Hi everyone, long time lurker first time poster. My dad is about to move his mother with dementia in with him so he can take care of her. The problem is that she's a narcissistic and emotionally abusive. I'm absolutely terrified for him and have tried discussing all the other options available until I'm blue in the face, but he's not having any of it. He's such a wonderful son with a generous, kind heart, and although we have some incredible memory care facilities out here (I'm ready to pack my bags and move in if they'd let me!) I think he's convinced himself he's the worst son in the world if he doesn't bring her into his home first. She's never been cruel to me, but I can't forgive what she's done to him, so this is absolutely tearing me apart. Has anyone had any experience with situations like this where a family member with dementia moves in with a caregiver and the relationship between the two improves? Any advice on what I can do to help once she's out here? My other big struggle is that I can't stomach the thought of seeing her, so although we'll always be there for my dad and he can come to our house or we go out with him, I will not go to his house or anywhere she may be. Should I force myself to suck it up for the sake of my dad? Thank you all for your objective opinions, I'm so desperately lost and destroyed right now.
"Any advice on what I can do to help once she's out here? "
DO NOT get involved. Your family seems to have problems with having healthy boundaries and defending them. You tell your Dad that you will absolutely not help out in any way shape or form, period.
You participating in the care will result in 3 sick people. If you help you will delude your Dad into thinking it's "working". Don't get involved and don't feel bad or guilty to tell him NO. You've been warned.
Plus once dad gets his mom moved in and later decides he's got to get her out of his home because his own health is suffering, he may not be able to get her out. She's a tenant, claims to be an abused elder, calls adult protective services, she's nuts but he has to prove it to get her into another place, hopefully a facility. He's too sick by then to do anything, but there she is, holding court in the front parlor and rallying forces to oppose her cruel son and diabolical grandchild (you). This is not an exaggeration. Check the legal advice on this as well as various posts on this site.
My advice on helping once dad does this foolish thing is not to help at all. Make that clear to him at the beginning. If you do get involved in helping, it will suck you in like a leech at the bottom of quicksand. You will empathetically want to help dad more and more. You will not be able to do so because nothing helps this sorry situation. You won't be able to unstick yourself from it. Then your dad will resent you for not helping.
Considering your strong feelings, do not be where she is at all. I've had a relative who was so repeatedly cruel and hurtful that even after she died, I would not have my name associated with hers and refused to have my name in her obit! There is nothing to be gained by being nice to bad people. I learned it too late; don't be like me.
Advise dad right now that you won't be helping around the house, filling in when he can't leave her alone, bringing food, taking her to appointments, or anything else. He's on his own. Please come back and let us know how things are going. We care.
I hope he's ready and willing to bathe his mother, clean up blowouts and toilet her many times a day. This is something most of us are not prepared for, nevermind a male caring for his mother. Dementia is an other worldly condition as it is, which dad is fully inexperienced with. Then throw narcissistic personality disorder on TOP of it and oh boy. He's in for a world of hurt. My mother was always nasty, but she became truly monstrous once dementia settled into her already sick brain. It was very ugly and I never visited her (in Memory Care AL) alone. I needed a buffer to keep her acting somewhat civil.
As far as you're concerned, you can offer to take dad OUT once in awhile, away from the bedlam inside his home, and have a calm meal together at a restaurant. Dad can hire in home help on HER dime to get respite for himself, and get her into Memory Care where she belongs when he cries Uncle. Make CERTAIN he has medical AND financial POA for the woman or else his hands will be tied forever and he'll always be a caregiver slave, God forbid.
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.
The only thing I can think of to recommend to you is to work on thinking about and then accepting that your dad is choosing this. Whether or not it’s a good idea at all, which it’s not, for whatever complicated mix of thoughts, emotions, and fears he’s bound and determined apparently.
Do shore up your own boundaries by thinking ahead of time what you will or will not do for him. You’ve made a great start with the visiting rules but it’s going to get really hard when he’s suffering. Think now about how you can show him love and support without getting sucked in to “just one thing” or “just for one afternoon”. I’m sorry your dad is putting himself in this position and he’s lucky to have you on his side, even if he can’t say no to her right now.
Let him do what he feels compelled to do. If you don't want to visit him there, invite him to see you at your home, and be supportive of him. If and when he decides that the situation is unhealthy, you can help him find alternatives. I'm sorry you aren't able to change his current plan, but it's not a permanent situation, so you can help him bail out later if necessary.
Ask Dad if this does not work for him, he will place her. He is important here too.
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