My short story:Mom is 86, has advanced dementia, got a UTI, got pneumonia, hospitalized for a week, is home now with 24/7 care (she's had for 6 months), and is now receiving hospice benefits. She went from climbing stairs one month ago to now cannot walk, and has good and bad days. We are glad she's home, and it's a roller coaster - lots of grieving and caregiving, and doing all I can to support her wellbeing in all the ways.
My brother (3 years older) is fixated on her assets and in addition to all the other ways he makes an already difficult situation harder, he recently said he demanded he be made co-executor of her will (Mom named me in documents dating 15 years ago, after changing it from her sister to me), he demands to be added to a joint bank account (Mom added me to hers so that I could manage her expense "when the time comes and I need help" she would say), and makes statements about refusing to "be subservient to his little sister".
Now, we are both co-trustees on her big assets and he threatens things like challenging probate (not sure why this comes up). And it's maddening to me b/c it seems so irrelevant during these probably last months-year of Mom's life with me taking FMLA to be here, etc. to care for and keep her comfortable and enriched as much as possible) and 2) he stands to inherit her half assets since he is a co-trustee.
Anyone else have to navigate greedy selfish siblings during a sad difficult time on the dementia journey with Mom?
Is it even legal to make him co-executor at this point given she is not able to?
Does anyone have any advice for how to manage this?Thank you for any insights!
And this a large estate.
YOU ARE IN TROUBLE. And this is quite dire.
You need now an attorney to represent you and your wishes. Co-Trustees is ALWAY NIGHTMARE.
And when things are this divided in what is wanted, what is proposed?
Again I say to you, get thee to a GOOD solid and hard-fighting Trust and Estate Attorney at once, because you are in the middle of an absolute nightmare any way you look at it.
There is a lot of money at stake here.
One of you is interested in the person.
One of you cares only about money.
And to think that this carriage can be pulled by two horses in harness with the scenario is ludicrous.
GET GOOD LEGAL HELP-- as in VERY good, right away.
My sister had us meeting and talking to realtors when Mom was moved to physical hospice and on morphine. There was absolutely no urgency to meet with realtors.
One Executor is enough. You just carry out the previsions of the Will. Making sure all bills are paid. Executor has no right to change anything in the Will. You can get a lawyer to help you with the Will and keep brother in check. There will be an accting before Probate can be closed. Thats when brother can contest. Hopefully, Moms Will is ironclad.
e that she and my dad who has passed, but 20 years ah
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e is still the same as he left iit. She is not letting go
My parent has also stopped answering the phone so I can only rely on my visits to find out if they are doing ok.
My sibling has taken my parent’s will and won’t return it after several requests.
I’ve just given up because it weighs too heavily. We are both named executors on the will.
is an official copy of the will?
Trustees are for a Trust. The Trust document states who the Trustees are. A Trust does not go through probate. The Trustee(s) are legally required to do what the Trust documents says. He does NOT inherit half her assets just because he is a co-trustee. If the trust gives him half of the assets that are in the trust, then yes. If not, then no.
Executors are for a Will. He cannot make himself co-executor of the Will. If your mother made you the executor, you alone are the executor. Only she can change that, and only if she chooses to and if she in competent to go through the legal process now. You cannot make him co-executor, so ignore his demands.
As executor, you are required to do exactly what the will says. If the will gives him half of her assets that are covered by the will, then you need to give them to him. However, if the will leaves them to other people, he does not get them, and you can't give them to him. He can challenge the will in probate court, but it will be up to the probate judge to make those decisions, not you and not him. And it will cost him money for the court case. (Some wills have a clause saying that anyone who challenges the will in court will not receive anything.)
As for retirement accounts, life insurance policies, etc., some of those will have beneficiaries named, and as executor you will be responsible for ensuring that those assets go to the named beneficiaries.
Again, your brother does not inherit half her assets just because he is a co-trustee. And, is he even really a co-trustee? Only if there is a trust that names him as one.
You will need an estate attorney to get you through this process. If the lawyer who wrote your mother's will is still in practice and available, you can use him or her. Otherwise you'll need to find someone else. Get someone who is highly-rated. You might want to have an initial meeting now, so that you will be informed of what your brother can or cannot do, and any recommendations of what to say or not to say to him during this time. Then follow his or her guidance through the process, rather than your brother's bullying. The legal fees will be paid for by the estate, not out of your own pocket.
I'm sorry he is trying to bully you while you are trying to focus on your caring for your mother. Very shameful. But it happens, unfortunately.
, acceptance, cycle loss of death-the emotions a grieving process, helping others , their emotions and feelings are valid, every everyone’s way of coping is never the same as others, but everyone’s emotions are no less than valid. With all the type I have worked at hospitals and nursing homes and seen family members lose love ones., I have learned that this is nature taking its course. Loss and witnessing declining changes is hard. You do the best you can and cherish memories. The feeling of loss, depression and devastation never comes to mind till the end. I think that is where value to life becomes more meaningful. Since I have seen my mother‘s dementia has progressed all I think about is when She was the mother that I know that has taught and raised me to be the person that I am. I know if I did not care for her, I wouldn’t have been raised right.
i feel so helplessz. She is becoming very forgetful and unsafe.. I’m online for a caregiver but weary and don’t trust easily