As a caregiver, what are you telling your kids about their duties when you need care?

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As a caregiver, what are you telling your kids about their duties when you need care?

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My kids have had a front row seat to see how we and the in-laws have managed care for parents/grandparents with a host of mental and physical issues. I let my kids know that they never have to take us into their homes. I would appreciate a call each Christmas, but they don't have to structure their holidays around us. They have seen there are times when the parents no longer know what is good for them and have to give over decision making to the next generation. We also set an age when we will get our finances in order and sign over POA (durable medical and financial) and get a trust set up. I do not want them caught off guard the way our families were over the years. I also don't want them crippled with guilt over any decisions they have to make. What do you have to add about preparing your kids for your future?

Care Decisions Financial Planning Parents

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You can name a guardian for your children but it still takes a Judge to OK the guardianship. Anyone can contest your choice.

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Reply to JoAnn29

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My sister the doc has mpoa over my mom. There is no fpoa. My mom told me a couple months ago that she intended to sell her house to ys right now. I told mom I didn’t think that was fair and as extremely rarely as this happens, texted sister doc who immediately put an end to this. Ys was beyond pissed and took a month to text me.

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Reply to PeggySue2020

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Back in the early 2000s, my hubs and I went on a missions trip without our 3 minor kids. This caused us to get our legal ducks in a row, including naming a guardian of our children, creating a Will, and cleaning up our finances. We were (and still are) co-partners in our business, so had to think through worst-case scenarios for that as well (since we had several long-term employees).

Now we have created a trust, the purpose of which is to preserve our assets for our care by people other than our children, and to protect our assets from ourselves, should we become demented. I've have ongoing conversations with our sons, since aging is progressive and things change. They've had a front-row seat to managing their Grandparents (my hub's) and my 2 Aunts (passed) and now my Mom (96 and lives next door to me). I am doing a lot of "teaching" about cognitive decline and how sneaky it can be; and the physical limitations and needs as we age.

I also have conversations with them about family in-fighting over things and decisions, power struggles, greed, and how we came to make certain decisions and assigned certain kids to certain responsibilities (ie our youngest is out of state, travels a lot for his work, and not experienced as his brothers with complex finances but that we may change the arrangement in the future so that he shouldn't "read into" the current arrangement - and he seems to accept this reasoning).

I try to impress upon them to not "expect" to inherit anything but rather the gift is to not have to feel any obligation to provide hands-on caregiving for us. Therefore, they need to plan and save for their own future care. Forewarned is forearmed. Also, plan for the worst and hope for the best.

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Reply to Geaton777

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I have read all of the comments, and have one more thing to add. My parents passed away a couple of years ago. Dad, who passed away at in his late 90's, had always handled the finances. My parents had named my younger brother, who lived 1,200 miles away, as the one to have financial power of attorney. When Mom and Dad were in their 90's, they began having both physical and cognitive issues. Being the child who lived only a few miles away from them, I was the one who "wrote" checks, interacted with physicians, lawyers, etc, because I was there. I had no idea what, or where, their assets were (and neither did either of my brothers). Depending upon which parent was lucid and physically capable, I would get that parent to sign the checks. My mother even signed checks when she couldn't quite remember the spelling of her last name and dad was signing checks when he lost his vision. Trying to move money around, or close an account, became a major ordeal. My parents lived to an age where they were unable to physically go into the banks. With the help of my brother, a notary, and an attorney, we managed to get things straightened out, and I became the check signer. While my parents were still alive, it took at least 18 months to make the changes. Banks are extremely cautious about making any signatory changes. It is also much more difficult to do so when a trust is involved. Safeguarding your money can be a double-edged sword, but somehow we got through it all. (P.S. Between myself and my brothers, there was no question about reliability and trustworthiness, mainly distance was the factor.)

One other matter, my father got his first pace-maker at the age of 96. Even though he had stated that he would never want to be kept alive by having such a procedure done, and the doctor said it is highly unusual to get one at that age, he decided that he wanted to live a little longer. He outlived my mother by 5 months. I think that was his goal, to know that even though they were both in a nursing care facility, after 70 years of marriage he was there with her to the end.

All the best to all of you, as you plan your end-of-life.

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Reply to SuzySez

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What do you mean when you say you set an age when you "get our finances in order and sign over POA (durable medical and financial) and get a trust set up"?
Have you not already done this?
If so, that is great planning. If not, you are not planning well - what if something unexpected happens i.e. you die unexpectedly? Happens all the time.

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Reply to ML4444

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No, if we die, there is nothing to inherit or pass on. The trust is something our family is encouraging us to do since my FIL and MIL both were diagnosed with dementia and had to have their house sold. We have no assets, but we still want to get something in writing. The only things we have to give to the kids are family sentimental things like photos, and I have those divided up between the kids and put in a special closet where they both know they are. My mother wrote a will, but she has no assets either, so it really was pointless, but made her feel better. Our little savings account has our kids as survivorship probably.

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Our children don't have any duties, as far as I'm concerned. We should make arrangements for our own old age, end of life care, and death. We should make sure that someone has access to the relative paperwork regarding all of this.

My daughter helped me deal with my mum's cognitive decline and death by giving me moral support and sound advice, for which I'm grateful.
She already knows my opinion about end of life care - coming from a family of nurses, teachers and carers of the elderly, we're all pretty pragmatic about dealing with difficult situations and death.

I wouldn't have needed to do so much for my mum if her husband hadn't dealt with everything from an emotional response, instead of a practical but compassionate standpoint. He made everything more difficult.

I hope that my daughter will occasionally visit me, and I will let her know that I would like access to music and audio books if I can no longer read. But I don't think it's her duty to do that.

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Reply to MiaMoor

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JustAnon: It wasn't necessary tell my sole adult child anything when I was hospitalized and in sub acute care one year ago. Common sense prevailed.

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Reply to Llamalover47

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Edit: It wasn't necessary *to* tell ....

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I'm not telling my kids anything. I am not assuming anything. I have asked them with mixed results. They have seen me go through the process with my mother and, for the most part, are not anxious to take it on. I understand. My partner who is 13 years younger than me would take it on. He may be my best choice.
It's easier here in Canada in that costs are largely absorbed by the govt, and from what I saw, once you are "in the system" they do much of the work, There is a "prescribed route" to follow. However, you do have choices which is good.

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Reply to golden23

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My only son is in prison until 2030. My only concern is living long enough to be here for him then, as he will have nowhere else to go. I have told him to put me in a nursing home when I need cares.
Over the last 10 years I have been de-cluttering, getting rid of stuff that I no longer have a use for and no one else is going to want. My 9 yr old granddaughter has already asked if she can have my pretty glassware in my great grandmother's old hutch and cabinet. I told her she can have them when she has a place of her own to put them!
I still need to create an advanced directive or living will, but I trust my son as next of kin will make suitable decisions. I don't have any money or property to pass down, so no fear of being taken advantage of for financial gain.

I'm glad you brought this up. I've been so consumed with taking care of my husband the last 10 years, I don't give much thought to taking care of my needs.
I've been meaning to make a list of all my accounts and life insurance so that bills can be paid off, accounts closed and life insurance can be collected. I have started this task more than once, and it feels so overwhelming, I quickly lose interest in getting it completed. I will make a renewed effort to get this done, even if a little every day. I'm not afraid of death, but I'm scared as hell of not having everything in order before I go!

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Reply to CaringWifeAZ

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I hope that you can be there for your son and that he can pick himself up and make a fresh start. I hope that you will be there for your granddaughter as she grows up and that you see her get a place of her own. Most of all, I hope that you can be there for yourself, living without fear.

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The way you titled your post gave me pause since I do not consider it their”duty”. But, after reading your post I think you have a very reasonable and realistic approach. Like you, my husband and I are doing the work to get things in order and have legal authority set up in POAs etc. We don’t expect much, but we do need someone(s) to oversee our affairs if we become incapacitated. Our kids are willing to do that with the understanding that we will provide the resources and legal permissions they need. We don’t expect them to put their lives on hold or have us move in with them. That is good because it isn’t something they can or will do. They have seen what we have been through.

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Reply to jemfleming

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I have made it clear to my kids that I do not want any of them responsible for my care. My plan after I get everything in this house sorted (in-laws' stuff, my parents' stuff, and my own things -- I am actively working on it) is to move to a LifePlan community. If I don't get there before needing Assisted Living, so be it. There is nothing heroic about staying in your home and your children aren't heroes for taking you in. I want them to have their retirement years to live life to the fullest, whatever that may look like for them, rather becoming a slave to my needs. I just reviewed all my docs today from the lawyer and will be signing them next month.

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Reply to graygrammie

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I have made it clear to my kids that I do not want any of them responsible for my care. My plan after I get everything in this house sorted (in-laws' stuff, my parents' stuff, and my own things) is to move to a LifePlan community. If I don't get there before needing Assisted Living, so be it. There is nothing heroic about staying in your home and your children aren't heroes for taking you in. I want them to have their retirement years to live life to the fullest, whatever that may look like for them, rather becoming a slave to my needs. I just reviewed all my docs today from the lawyer and will be signing them next month.

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Reply to graygrammie

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I created a Google doc with all the pertinent info, which I can change to keep it up to date. I shared the doc with my children. Passwords are handled by Dashlane and my children have the password to get into that.

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Reply to Maurice53

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That’s a great setup!
After losing $2700 we found that the electronic contract had never been printed. Maybe print it out after significant changes or updates and keep it in a fire proof container.
I hate paperwork, but those Red Files are worth the hassle.

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I told my 2 children and so did my husband on where to find our passwords to the safe to find our passwords to last pass. My daughter knows that our online security bank will keep payments going for about a year but if there is a lapse, she still has our password accounts. My teen grandaughter found out our safe password and I let her know that only birth and death certificates of our parents, wills and our passwords were in there. There is no cash in the safe. Later I updated a paper to my daughter with copies of our current wills on the same info so she can easily get the same info at her home. basically all our funds can be found online but not easy to get to unless there is a beneficiery, a TOD or joint account with my spouse, document or the executor gets a letter of testimony. The closest and first POA is also a client of our lawyer. She also has a general idea of our assetts but I informed her that any 1099's will always appear at tax time via our mail. (this is one of the ways I found out about additional assetts when I was an executor with no advanced knowlege of how to find paperwork.)
I also mentioned to my daughter that she is not expected to do our care. I gave her a list of 3 multi level facilities that I liked based on my journey when I placed my mom.
I am very particular about passwords because as an executor of my brother, his pieces of paper with written passwords were not all up to date. The only dissappointment was not having access to his cell phone photos for friends and family.

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Reply to MACinCT

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I would hope that we are preparing them by our example. My husband and I are in our mid-60s. We helped his parents but they lived in their own home until the very end when we cared for his mom in our home. My mother is 87 and in an independent senior apartment. We helped her get her home ready for sale and helped her move. She no longer drives so I take her places when the facility transportation isn't available. (She insists on using it whenever possible as she pays for it as part of her rent,) We see her every couple of weeks, bring her little treats and vegetables from our garden, take her out to eat and bring her to our home for celebrations with our kids and grandkids. One of my brothers does the same, the other one is not as attentive but he is younger and still working.

We have made our wills and POA documents. One thing I haven't yet done but plan to do is create a document listing all of our assets, debts, passwords and other information that will be needed to administer our estate when the time comes. I would also like to downsize our home and possessions eventually although I expect some resistance from my pack-rat husband. We plan to leave decisions like funeral arrangements, burial or cremation, and the like up to them. I don't believe in imposing my wishes on them beyond the grave--those things will not impact me but could make a difference to them. My father is buried in a place that is very inaccessible to me, which probably influences my thinking on this. I'd like to be able to visit his grave like we do with my husband's family.

Perhaps most importantly, we saved as much as we could throughout our working lives and hopefully have enough to last through our retirement and cover whatever care we need in our final years.

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Reply to iameli

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You have a great plan! Inspires me to make sure mine is up to par.

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I will give you One word of advice declutter your Home . get rid of items you are no Longer using or Give away items you want people to Have . My Mom ended up in the Hospital then the Nursing Home . There was tons of art and jewelry . My sister got the Keys and took all the expensive jewelry , gold coins, Paintings and art work that was Not hers to have and emptied Out her bank account . It took me 2 weeks for me to empty her apartment - I filled up a whole dumpster, then had to Pay $650 to move furniture . I Donated her car . Next I did Not Have time to go back and my son hired a cleaning crew they came and threw out all the Photographs . So start Passing things On Now . I Donated Most of her clothes to a schizophrenic House . Please declutter your Home before you Pass . Or give away Heirlooms Now . I have already given My grand children items I want them to have .

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Reply to KNance72

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Absolutely agree with you. I am 57 in great health but have started the de-clutter and to my surprise, I'm enjoying it now I've started. A little every day and you begin see space and know where everything is. It's very freeing. Box and label if you are uncertain, and then gradually keep passing things on. It doesn't need to be so bad if you take your time. Also move furniture on if no longer essential as this is a larger job to expect someone else to do.

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I have made it very clear that I would never want, never allow my children to sacrifice their own one-and-only life/lives to throw themselves upon my burning funeral pyre. I have made it clear that I think the best place for our progeny, for their own well-being and protection, is about 1,000 miles minimal from their aging parent. I say this as an 83 year old with cancer, so you can assume I mean every single word of it.

The time to "set finances in order" is now.
Any parent should have hard and fast documents written from the second they have a child in the crib.
And the time to begin saving for an old age that will require you at minimum to be a millionaire is on day one; it will take a good career lifelong, a lot of savings and coupon clipping, good jobs and good luck to get there.

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Reply to AlvaDeer

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Amen

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When we were driving back from my mums (87) my son (24) said to me I don’t know how you do it, I couldn’t do what you do for her. I told him I don’t expect him too. I’ve previously said I will write a letter to my older self and give it to him to give to me if/when I’m a pain in the ass. He watched us care for my dad till he died and now for my mum he’s under no illusions. He is one of the loveliest guys in the world I’m bias I know, but he’s honest and I’ve always told him I don’t expect it from him
if I can live in my own home safely with some help great, if I can’t I’m hanging out for somewhere like the Thursday murder club residential living 😂
pierce brosnan optional 😂

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Reply to Moxy234

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Great ideas but I'm not so sure about the safety deposit box for important documents. When I was dad's POA and he was dying, his estate attorney told me to get everything out of the SD box. It seems as if there was a concern about getting into the box after dad died. Since I was also executor of dad's estate, I'd thought that wouldn't be a problem, but anyway, I followed the attorney's advice to access the box as POA. I had all the proper paperwork, but it took hours. The bank officer had to be sure I was who I said I was and that I was allowed to remove everything.

I did take all the things out and moved them to a safe at home. Then of course, Rude Aunt raised H— about I didn't have a right to take the things without dad's permission. He had dementia and didn't know squat anymore, much less about the safety deposit box. And his lawyer had been firm that I should do it.

So, be advised - do what you want, but it may not be as easy as it seems.

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Reply to Fawnby

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My dad put my name on the box and I was given a key by the bank at that time. When I needed to get into the box after his death, I had no problem at all since my name was on the box and I had the key.

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I have purchased Long Term Care Insurance so that I do not have to depend on ANY relative to help me when it comes to the time when I need care.
I have made it known that no one is expected to physically care for me.

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Reply to Grandma1954

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I would like help (if needed ) in navigating a place for me to live (not their homes) and then not feeling an obligation to be “all over me and my care.”. in fact, for their sakes, I would like to be housed at a physical distance, so they do not feel the burden that caregiving entails. if I am not mentally impaired, maybe a phone call once a week to check in so I can hear about their lives, but I do not expect them to be at my beck and call. I was with a group of elders who said to some of us younger people (60s), “we took care of you, now it’s time for you to take care of us.”. I disagree. In some way, I have taken care of my parent my entire life and definitely much longer than she ever took care of me. I want my kids to live their lives without the burden of me. Does that feel kind of scary? Sure. But I always say that I will just suck it up that I have had a great life and that these older years are going to be difficult, no matter what but I have been lucky up to that point

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Reply to Sleepingbear

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I recommend that everyone age 18 or older have health-care power of attorney and financial power-of-attorney documents and a will. Most important is the HCPOA. I think I asked my children to designate me as someone who can receive their health-care information when they turned 18. (Before then, their permission wasn't required.)

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Reply to Rosered6

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I set up a trust for my HWD with my son as executor. I have put him on our safety deposit box and my financial accounts. I started a NOK box (Next of Kin) with info on financials and bills. I’m 79 and who knows, I could go before my husband.

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Reply to Blsbirder

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We have our paperwork in order POA etc . We have a book with passwords to everything to pay bills etc .
We told the kids we do not expect them to be hands on caregivers or to be our housemates .
Will continue to downsize belongings and we plan to eventually move to a condo when we retire .
I have told my kids not to hesitate throwing out belongings , furniture .
I won’t be offended .
Some elderly act like their stuff is gold and want someone to take it.

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Reply to waytomisery

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I've left the phone number for "GOT JUNK?" (or a local equivalent) as part of my Final Letter. At 88 (me) and 95 (spouse), we try to declutter as we go, but it's hard now that we have lost a lot of our physical strength and mobility. I don't want our family to feel the obligation to sort through or keep anything.

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My husband and I plan to build a new small home with no stairs, no thresholds, that is accessible and easy to manage. We plan to have in home caregivers when needed. We have one son and I would do and will do anything necessary to prevent his life from being like mine and my sisters have been with our aging parents.

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Reply to Valentine15

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I don’t believe in an age to get finances planned for or in order, as none of us knows what the next day may bring. We all need to be prepared now. We have all the needed legal documents in place, will, POA, advance directives and the adult child over this knows where it all is. The others are fully informed as well.
After so many crying scenes over the years with my MIL about holidays “I just want everyone to be together” ugh, I’ve long told my children when they became adults, “I’d love to have you come for any holiday, but if you can’t make it, no worries, I’ll see a movie” They know I mean it, I don’t do the guilt trips.
I also believe in my dad’s firm rule of refusing to live with any adult child or him living with any of us. He said it’s ruins relationships, and one doesn’t have to be on AC Forum very long to attest to the frequency of that being true. None of that for me, if I can’t care for myself off to managed care. Maybe I’ll hate it, but that’s better than having my family hate me.
I’ve also pared down the belongings, but can admit that’s an ongoing process one is never quite finished with

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Reply to Daughterof1930

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The trouble is the cost of managed care and the fact that if you run out of private pay funds, even a moderate income from social security and a small pension can put you out of the qualification range for Medicaid, but be no where near enough to pay the monthly fees for a SNF or ALF. Then what?

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You don't wait for a certain age to do POA because you never know what tomorrow will bring. You do it now. If you don't want it immediate, then you stipulate that one or two doctors have to declare you incompetent.

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Reply to JoAnn29

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I think it is Important to let them Know what medicine you are allergic to and end of Life care . If I need Morphine give it to me , If I am brain dead shut off the machines , If I have a heart attack let me go , Please cremate and dump my ashes in the ocean . Make sure you Have a will and keep it secret . Watch who you give POA to - some take it as their Personal Bank account . Watch Out for people wanting gifts . Can you gift me $35.000 ? Once you start gifting people $10,000 - $35,000 they expect you to Pay for everything before you are dead . You Have to be very cautious the children you raised may not be the adults You know or think you can Trust . I Have seen too Much criminal activity and abuse In My Lifetime and am disgusted . Let them Know you do or don't want to be in a Home. You Can also decide about euthanasia . If you had a terminal Ilness would you want to be Put out of your Misery . Let your children Know your medical History and medications . If you have pets what will happen to them ? Things Like that . Declutter the House before you Pass so they don't find any surprises . Any Important documents Keep in a bank safety deposit box .

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Reply to KNance72

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Decluttering is a wonderful suggestion. I had to pack up my parents' home when they first showed signs of dementia.

What I plan to do for my kids is on Monday, for example, put a box out. Once a day, one item a day, put something in the box to donate.

At the end of the week, drop it off.

Likewise with discarding items, and items to keep to give to family, etc.

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As a caregiver, what are you telling your kids about their duties when you need care?

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