My Dad was diagnosed with Lewy Body Dementia about 2 years ago. He divorced my stepmom and moved back home with me. My mom passed 10 yrs ago and we bought my childhood home. So coming back was a comfort to him in a lot of ways.
My honest and transparent intention is to have him home with us until a facility is necessary. He agreed at the onset because he didn’t want us to go through caregiving hardships like we did with Mom. He experienced that as the caregiver.
Since my husband and I now own the family home, I had taken steps to help make sure he will qualify for Medicaid when the time comes. He appointed me POA.
Unfortunately my sister seized the opportunity to manipulate his vulnerability and financially abuse him. She has been using his debit card spending most of his monthly income. She convinced him to co-sign on a home with her boyfriend, which took a chunk of his savings as a down payment. I have been trying to build a savings account to pay for in home supports / funeral prepayment, etc.
I am furious. It cost him/us $2,350 for an elder law attorney to write a plan for us to get my dad off that property without a Medicaid denial or penalty. (By the way they are so worth the cost!)
As part of her abuse she spent months trying to convince him that I am stealing his money, and he should move in with her and boyfriend instead. That I was lying, his private insurance will pay for in home health care and he can stay home with her or us until he dies. Memory care is not going to be needed. I am just too lazy to wipe his butt and bathe him.
My Dad has now realized that he was being abused, and is feeling so much shame and deep depression. My sister has really done a number on him including blocking access to his grandchildren. Even though he sees she lied there is now a big amount of anxiety around future planning.
I'd like to clarify that future planning for him is just explaining why I needed to prepare properly so he will be eligible for Medicaid. Explaining the cost of that care, and that his income would still leave thousands of dollars each month. I’m not stressing him out with dwelling on prognosis, what symptoms will be, or touring facilities where he would get a harsh dose of reality.
Any advice on what might help in the immediate to put his mind at ease? How to try and unravel the damage my sister did to his perception of caregiving once things start progressing rapidly? I just want to make sure I do everything possible to minimize the trauma to him and us from making the move down the road to a facility.
Your dad appointed YOU as his POA, so he obviously trusted you and your judgement, so quit trying to explain to a man whose brain is now permanently broken anything about his financial situation and future, as you're only causing him unnecessary stress. Plus he probably doesn't truly understand any of it any more anyway.
So again...just continue to reassure your dad that he is loved and will be taken care of until the end whether at home or in a facility.
Don't talk smack about your sister - it probably only leads him to feel more shame and hurt.
You do not need to explain anything to someone with dementia. There is no benefit from explaining or trying to get them on board with your decisions. You have POA. It is up to you to make all the hard decisions. Trust yourself. He did.