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Hi, first time using this forum. I've been really stressed and worried about my boyfriend- We're both living in different states, right now, and we're both trying to get out of difficult family situations. I've been able to find some resources on my end to help me be more independent from my family, but I don't know what to do for him. He's 27, now, lives in Las Vegas, and pretty much is at home 24/7 because his mom needs someone on call to take care of her in case something happens. I do not recall her specific health problem, but she doesn't take it well, and he's often put in mentally stressful situations around the house, and gets blamed for things.
He doesn't have much money to his name, and he can't really go out to work because he has to be at home. (He's afraid that if he does get a job, they'll make him use all the money towards rent. He's worried that he won't have enough money to pay the bus for work travel.) He also does not have a driver's license for similar reasons. Also, his parents haven't ever gotten someone to help his mother, because they both avoid paying taxes. Which also means he doesn't have insurance.
So, I don't know what to do to help him become independent, at all. He's gotten very depressed, lately.
I'm hoping we can one day live together, but I don't know how.

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I need to point out that your BF is not "stuck" because of other people. He is stuck because he doesn't want to suffer the consequences of doing the one thing that will save him: leaving that crappy family.

Your BF needs to get out of that house, even if it's to couch surf at another relative or friend's house. He gets out and ends contact and relations with that dysfuctional tribe and starts building up his life. This is the advice you give him because it's the only thing that will save him.

Here is advice you didn't ask for but I'm going to offer it up to you anyway, since you are young: this is not the man for you. Everything about him and that family is broke, not just their bank account.

He seemingly cannot solve any problems which means he is not BF, husband or father material. He's helpless like a baby. He's some other enabler's project -- not yours. Are you are Rescuer? Think about it. Find someone local who has more of their act together and won't drain you with their endless drama and neediness.

May you receive clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart as you move on.
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Reply to Geaton777
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Oh girrrrrl.

The mother is only a part of the problem. He would be a hot mess even if his mother wasn’t in the picture.

You need to go on with rebuilding your life and not assuming he’ll be part of it in the future. It sounds like you both are trauma bonded. Put simply… you’ve both been dealing with dysfunction, and those issues are what drew you to each other. This type of bonding is not something to build a relationship on. Both of you will keep spiraling even if you lived together.

Tell him you love him, but you cannot be a couple for now to in these circumstances.

Not saying to dump him. You can be encouraging and a listening ear when he needs it. Just keep it at that.

Once he gets his license, a stable job, and is no longer caring for mother… then you can move this relationship forward.
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Reply to LoopyLoo
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Wow .
This is going to sound harsh.
Boyfriend leaves this situation at his parent’s and the two of you build a life together, which includes getting a job and/or going to school , learning to drive, therapy to become independent .

If boyfriend doesn’t leave Las Vegas , you have to move on without him , you can’t let this nightmare drag you down too.
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Reply to waytomisery
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He's not a grownup yet. He's the size to throw back into the pond rather than hope for a relationship. His family life has been designed to keep him with them as an ever-juvenile caregiver forever! If you join him, you'll be a caregiver for them as well. I'm pretty sure that isn't in your list of preferred life jobs. And it shouldn't be.

Lose his phone number, block him from yours, and find a guy with a job, no dependent family, a car, a driver's license, insurance, money in the bank, and a healthy mental state. It is possible, I promise. Good luck in staging and achieving the life you want. He isn't it.

BTW, what are you doing for yourself? The life you want starts with you.
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Reply to Fawnby
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Judas priest on a pony, that whole family sounds like a bunch of grifters. You may want to extract yourself from this situation pronto, before you end up in jail.
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Reply to olddude
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Your boyfriend doesn’t “have to” provide anything for his mother or both his parents. He’s been manipulated into believing this and the power is with him to change it. Normal parents raise their children to become independent and successful, not to be chained to them, certainly not to be a caregiver in their 20’s. He’s being used. He needs counseling to learn boundaries and how to change this dynamic. He needs to live elsewhere and get a job. He’s in his prime earning years to provide for his own future. His mother can be cared for by others, and should be. I’m sorry he’s being treated this way and hope he will gather the courage to walk away and change the situation
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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You cannot change other people.
At 27 your boyfriend is now accepted "as is".
It sounds as though he is making choices for his life.
If they are not choices you can live with happily I would say that this is the time to assess all that.
Love isn't enough; you already know that.
Your job is to look, assess, make decisions for your OWN life using your OWN brain and projection skills.

If you find you are unable to do this, get a good cognitive therapist and run past him/her your goals for your own life, your immediate plans, and your current situation.
And a PS here. Please be certain that you don't bring a child into what is an unhappy and an unstable situation with a dim future. What you do with your life is your choice, but a little one is dependent on good stable and thriving parents ready to nurture them and protect them. It would be a tragedy to subject them to what you're looking at.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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Your key statement is “I don’t know what to do for him”. Probably nothing. He doesn’t know what to do for himself. You can’t fix his life for him. Don’t let him mess up your life too.
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Reply to MargaretMcKen
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There is nothing YOU can do. This is on him to make changes. He wasn't forced into this situation, he chose to stay in it.
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Reply to lkdrymom
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It sounds like he is convinced he is helpless, which is not true. At 27 he is well past the time where he should be supporting himself or moving in that direction through training or school. He is also responsible for his own medical insurance after 26. This is all a disaster waiting to happen and it doesn't look good for his future unless he can break these ties, move out, hustle to get some work and experience that will lead to a self-sustaining future. If his parents are tax dodges, they are paying the consequences now not being eligible for govt services. He needs to start working (and paying taxes) so that he has more for himself in the future. If he can't make these changes, please think of yourself and your future first. Don't tie yourself to a sinking ship.
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Reply to ShirleyDot
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