Hi, first time using this forum. I've been really stressed and worried about my boyfriend- We're both living in different states, right now, and we're both trying to get out of difficult family situations. I've been able to find some resources on my end to help me be more independent from my family, but I don't know what to do for him. He's 27, now, lives in Las Vegas, and pretty much is at home 24/7 because his mom needs someone on call to take care of her in case something happens. I do not recall her specific health problem, but she doesn't take it well, and he's often put in mentally stressful situations around the house, and gets blamed for things.
He doesn't have much money to his name, and he can't really go out to work because he has to be at home. (He's afraid that if he does get a job, they'll make him use all the money towards rent. He's worried that he won't have enough money to pay the bus for work travel.) He also does not have a driver's license for similar reasons. Also, his parents haven't ever gotten someone to help his mother, because they both avoid paying taxes. Which also means he doesn't have insurance.
So, I don't know what to do to help him become independent, at all. He's gotten very depressed, lately.
I'm hoping we can one day live together, but I don't know how.
However, your boyfriend is an adult and it's up to him to take initiative and behave like one. No one is going to rescue him from being stuck at home. He needs to do it. Providing care for his mother is his father's responsibility, not his, and he needs to tell his dad that.
Then he needs to get a job, even just an entry-level one. Using his parents' wanting him to pay rent to avoid working is just an excuse. He should be paying something for still living with his parents at his age. But not all of it. Save as much as possible and then move out as soon as possible.
His parents should not be avoiding paying their taxes, but since they do, that means they have more money with which to hire a caregiver for the mother. So that is just an excuse too.
I wish both of you well in successfully launching yourselves into adulthood. It's harder to do without family support, but it can be done.
Your BF needs to get out of that house, even if it's to couch surf at another relative or friend's house. He gets out and ends contact and relations with that dysfuctional tribe and starts building up his life. This is the advice you give him because it's the only thing that will save him.
Here is advice you didn't ask for but I'm going to offer it up to you anyway, since you are young: this is not the man for you. Everything about him and that family is broke, not just their bank account.
He seemingly cannot solve any problems which means he is not BF, husband or father material. He's helpless like a baby. He's some other enabler's project -- not yours. Are you are Rescuer? Think about it. Find someone local who has more of their act together and won't drain you with their endless drama and neediness.
May you receive clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart as you move on.
At 27 your boyfriend is now accepted "as is".
It sounds as though he is making choices for his life.
If they are not choices you can live with happily I would say that this is the time to assess all that.
Love isn't enough; you already know that.
Your job is to look, assess, make decisions for your OWN life using your OWN brain and projection skills.
If you find you are unable to do this, get a good cognitive therapist and run past him/her your goals for your own life, your immediate plans, and your current situation.
And a PS here. Please be certain that you don't bring a child into what is an unhappy and an unstable situation with a dim future. What you do with your life is your choice, but a little one is dependent on good stable and thriving parents ready to nurture them and protect them. It would be a tragedy to subject them to what you're looking at.
Lose his phone number, block him from yours, and find a guy with a job, no dependent family, a car, a driver's license, insurance, money in the bank, and a healthy mental state. It is possible, I promise. Good luck in staging and achieving the life you want. He isn't it.
BTW, what are you doing for yourself? The life you want starts with you.
The mother is only a part of the problem. He would be a hot mess even if his mother wasn’t in the picture.
You need to go on with rebuilding your life and not assuming he’ll be part of it in the future. It sounds like you both are trauma bonded. Put simply… you’ve both been dealing with dysfunction, and those issues are what drew you to each other. This type of bonding is not something to build a relationship on. Both of you will keep spiraling even if you lived together.
Tell him you love him, but you cannot be a couple for now to in these circumstances.
Not saying to dump him. You can be encouraging and a listening ear when he needs it. Just keep it at that.
Once he gets his license, a stable job, and is no longer caring for mother… then you can move this relationship forward.
You have some serious thinking to do and so does your boyfriend. The two of you have to be on the same page and be willing to put everyone else behind and work towards a life together. If neither of you are ready or willing to do that, break things off and part as friends.
This is going to sound harsh.
Boyfriend leaves this situation at his parent’s and the two of you build a life together, which includes getting a job and/or going to school , learning to drive, therapy to become independent .
If boyfriend doesn’t leave Las Vegas , you have to move on without him , you can’t let this nightmare drag you down too.