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My father-in-law has been a widow for 2 years now. He is 81. Am I the a****le for not wanting him to bring woman to our home? If he has relationships that’s his buisiness. But I don’t really want to have a relationship with these woman or hear about it. Especially when 1 week in he brings her over for a sleepover.
suggestions??

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Why is he living with you? Is he unable to take care of himself? Unwilling? Lonely is not enough of a reason. I would start the process of talking to your husband about him moving out. His "dating" is the least that may happen under your roof if he develops cognitive problems over time. If your husband is not his PoA then FIL living in your home and you being "assumed" as his future caregivers will become more and more of a problem. Better to help him transition out now, like to a 55+ community, or CCC where he can start in IL and move up as needed. Many have very good social activities and conveniences. As a "lonely old man" your FIL is ripe for financial abuse by a predator. Your husband needs to talk to him to make sure he has himself protected against this. If you look on this forum you will see a vast number of posts related to romance scams and elder financial abuse, online and in person. If she is significantly younger than him, this is a definite red flag. If he starts talking marriage, or her moving in, that would be a definite no for me. Is he paying rent and other living expenses? Is his part of the house separate and secure from the rest? If he were not a family member would this be acceptable? Having experience with a financial predator (and ruination) of an elder I have a very cautious perspective on this situation. There is nothing wrong with you wanting privacy and security in your own home. For security purposes I wouldn't want strangers brought to my home if all of it was accessible to visitors. If he wants an active dating life, he can have it in his own apartment, taking his own risks, taking care of his own self. You're not responsible for his happiness.
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Issue some ground rules pronto. No sleepovers in your home, they go to a hotel or her place. I wouldn't like it at all. I may rent my spare room out and that will be on the rental agreement. No overnights in my home, period.

As a widow myself, I will admit the second year was harder than the first. I assumed I'd have a new relationship by then, and never did. Not for 23 years now.

I'm older and don't put up with anything I don't like. I live alone and do just fine.
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Scampie1 Apr 7, 2025
@Dawn88

I second that. I'm a widow with eight years in.

People out here are scary. My question is this: What would a man want with a woman my age. I'm way past child bearing age and I'm not looking for marriage.

I'm okay. I need my peace at my golden years.

The only thing I can see coming out of this is a nurse with a purse scenario. This happened to someone I know. She was with a guy for thirty years and decided to get married on year twenty eight. It has been a rocky road for her ever since. He now has dementia and deliberately makes messes, yells at her and generally makes her life miserable. I saw her the other day and she is just scary looking at this point.
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Since your father in-law is into sleaze ball women, tell him a flat out no to bringing strange women into your home.

Tell him to spend $20.00 dollars and take his women to a hot pillow joint. That way, he won't have to worry about paying for the amenties that are stolen out of the hotel rooms.

Your house, your rules.

Don't open your home up to strangers.
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BurntCaregiver Apr 7, 2025
A 'hot pillow joint'. That's a new one for me LOL. If the FIL is bringing home nasty skanks then of course the OP has to draw the line in the home.
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How many FB friends does it take to meet your threshold?
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notgoodenough Apr 8, 2025
What would they think of me? I'm not even on Facebook.

I mean, seriously? That's what this world is coming to, that we judge a person based on how many Facebook "friends" they have?
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“ Especially when 1 week in he brings her over for a sleepover.” OP’s words.

Could you and your spouse tell FIL that you are not comfortable with the sleepovers and they would need to stay in a hotel ?

It can be tough to totally exclude someone . You do run the risk of harming the relationship between FIL and your spouse . You haven’t said how your spouse feels about the woman coming over .
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waytomisery Apr 7, 2025
OP. You kept using the word “ woman “, I thought he was only bringing over the same one , as his girlfriend .

But if he’s bringing multiple women , perhaps it’s time he moved out .
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So you are not wrong for not wanting him to bring them to your home. You are entitled to your feelings.

But if he lives with you, that is his home too - and he should be allowed to have guests over just like anyone else that lives there.

I'm curious - is there a reason why you are so against hearing about the friends or relationships in his life? He is probably very lonely and it has been 2 years now since MIL passed. As callous as this sounds, especially men at that age - often move on what feels like very quickly to their families because they miss that companionship and in many cases, they miss the person who took care of them. This is of course not always the case, but it does happen frequently. And 2 years is not really that quickly, especially the older we get.

Now...if it is your home - it is your house rules. If you have impressionable children or teenagers that you don't want exposed to certain relationship aspects, I honestly don't see anything wrong with setting those expectations. You don't want your children introduced to every single woman that passes through his life, and you certainly don't want them exposed to the "overnight sleepovers" especially if that doesn't gel with your family values.

If there aren't any children - it changes the dynamics a bit - but still - you don't want a bunch of random women passing through your home on a regular basis, when you know nothing about them and what they may do while in your home. So I can understand some level of caution both in protecting yourselves and your home, as well as protecting him from scammers and predatory people.

But that being said, having companionship is important, so you will have to balance it with the questions - why does this bother me? (as his DIL). How does my DH feel? Is this a good distraction for him? Is he lonely? Is he being safe? If he making dangerous choices?

As difficult as it is, especially if he lives with you, you will at some point have to come to terms with the fact that he is seeking out relationships now, and if he is competent, his choices are his to make.
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MiaMoor Apr 8, 2025
If he's competent to make such decisions and physically able, then there's no need for him to be in the OP's home. He needs his independence as much as they need their privacy.
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Is "our" home only yours and your husbands? Or is this his house and you are living in that home.

I can see your point. Where does this woman live? Perhaps you should tell your father this is a very uncomfortable situation for you and he should conduct overnights at her place. This may be the time to severe living arrangements together and live separately from father.

Did a living arrangement/rental aggreement take place? Is he paying for any portion of mortgage and has his name on the deed? This is one of the prime reasons contracts should be done before any living arrangements between two generations.
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I am confused.

Is he bringing people to HIS home or you YOUR home?

I am certain you must know the difference.
As long as Dad is competent he gets to bring whomever he wants to his own home either permanently or temporarily.
Dad doesn't get to bring ANYONE ever to YOUR home, that you don't wish to accommodate.
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You say our home, if FIL lives with you and others in the house, that is correct, our home, yours, his, your husband and children.

However, depending on who's house it is makes a load of difference whether you are the ah or not.

If it is FILs house, he has every right to have guests, when and how he chooses. If you don't like it, you need to move out of his house.

If it is your house, you get to set ground rules and he can live by them or live elsewhere.
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You say 'our' home. Am I correct in assuming that this applies to your FIL? He is an adult. He is an adult and has a right to have "adult" sleepovers if he wants to.

If you do not see him as an equal resident in your household, he should move out and get his own place.

I fully support you in not wanting to have a relationship with these women. Also for not wanting to hear about it. It's innappropriate for him to be discussing his private life with you anyway.
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