Due to family riff 6 months ago I left my position taking care of my elderly mom and stepfather 80 and 86 they had every phone number to home health etc. I left making sure they had all the contacts they needed. My stepfather made it impossible for me to help my mom he guarded her like a hawk and I had limited access to help her in home, although I worked around it it was hard getting past him. I was turned into a care slave, actually they are both narcissistic and selfish, entitled lazy, well I got a call last week, my mom said stepfather in hospital with dementia delirium and she has a sprained wrist from trying to run down the driveway to yell at someone, without her walker, my brother took her out of the hospital with sprained wrist and convinced her to call me for help I reluctantly did to my error, because my brother wouldn't stay with her after 5 days of me being there it was back to toxicity with them, all brother cared about was taking their car, borrowing some money because he is in trouble, and entertaining my stepfathers kids at the nursing home, he told me he is moving in to the house his behavior was so off and quite scary I told my mom she said she doesn't care she will never turn her back on him I understand that, I could never live near them or with them, and I had a panic attack and left, now she is back in the hospital her husband is lost to dementia, I just can't however I'm power of atty what do I do?
Nothing gets a senior a one-way ticket to a nursing home faster than being stubborn.
Tell your mother this. In fact, show her this response. Let her know exactly what will happen if she moves your brother in and lets him burn through her assets. She will be left with no care in a bad situation and the state will put her in a nursing home against her will and against the will of her son. That is what will happen. It always does in situations like this. Her son is not going to take care of her and her husband is going to most likely be put into memory care by his adult children if he is so far gone with dementia.
Try to talk to your brother and let him know that unless he is able to take full responsibility for your mother's needs and care, he's not moving in. You're the POA, so you control the money and the assets. Let him use your mother's car if he's going to be the one bringing her to appointments and running errands, but don't let him have it in his name. You have all the bills sent to you and set up payment. Have the groceries delivered or allow a certain amount per week or month that is for food and other necessities.
Everyone here has a choice. You offer what your terms are and if your mother and brother don't accept them, your mother can change her POA to your brother and you wash your hands of the whole situation.
Release yourself of the burden of POA. Let them become wards of the state unless someone decides to step in, and then it becomes their problem.
I have several years of experience as a home care worker and have seen and dealt with all types of situations.
I've been there myself, and believe it when I say, I still have feelings about that situation and that happened years ago. I stayed and made sure my sister was in good hands before moving on. I could not believe how nasty family could become once someone passes and their is a disabled person involved.
It sounds like you have left everything well set up for your parents, but they decided to go in another direction. I know that this is frustrating for you, but remember, you have choices too.
From my experience a POA has serious responsibilities that can have legal ramifications if ignored or mismanaged. It also is dependent on state law and if it is a "Springing POA".
Here is a good website for a general legal description. I think it may help you to read this article.
Link:
What Are the Responsibilities of a Power of Attorney? - LegalClarity
Tell the hospital that there is no one at home to care for her! She will be unsafe!
They need to transfer her to a skilled nursing facility. As POA, you can choose a facility and work with the hospital social worker, as well as her doctor, to get her transferred there directly.
Stop allowing all the family drama and dysfunction to guide your decisions. It is up to you to take charge and make decisions which are in your mother's best interest. That does not mean you need to come running every time she calls. It does mean you are obligated to find the best care for her. Sell the house, if you have the power to do so, and use the funds to pay for her care in a nursing home.
If she is fully cognizant and wants to live in her home, fine. Let her. Stay away and let her fail. You can not fix a narcissistic or stubborn parent. Many stubborn elders die in their home, without help, or wait until a major emergency sends them to the hospital. From there, they don't go home again.
I suggest you get some counseling with a geriatric manager or good therapist who knows about aging how to decide.
I feel for you as I've been in a somewhat similar situation though my brother convinced my mother that he needs to have POA since he is with her and that happened. Would your mother give your brother POA if you let it go?
I know since it's your mother things are not as clear or easy as we do have emotional ties to our mothers. As many others have said Take care of yourself.
Take your time and seek advice before you decide what to do!
Please seek additional advice from your lawyer. They've definitely had other clients with same family dynamics.
As POA I've called Mom's PCP and asked them to order the home care for your Mom. Then you can choose a local home care agency or the PCP can recommend one. The Doctor's office will fax or send the order. Agency Nurse will come do an initial assessment and set Mom up with caregivers, such as PT, OT, etc. This may make to feel more comfortable with parents care and you don't have to be there to make the decisions in person near toxic family members.
With your Stepfather, I agree with other answers, he may be ready for Memory Care or at minimum Assisted Living.
We didn't want to separate our parents after 56 years of marriage so in order to stay together they both moved into Assisted Living.
Best wishes as you navigate this situation!
I wish you all the best in this situation.
However, it seems your brother will be moving in and he will create further conflict for you, so I would think very hard about what you want to do here. Your mom's needs will only increase with time. I don't know if she is currently competent or not. She may well need to be placed as well, but if she is of sound mind, you have no legal say in the matter.
You can resign POA and step way back and let the cards fall where they may. If they can't manage on their own, you call APS as you've been advised below. Under the circumstances as described, I don't think I would keep POA and become a hands-on caregiver. It sounds like you've got 2 uncooperative seniors and 1 brother who will create chaos. Those are two problems you don't need.
You do a certified letter to both mom and stepdad at whatever address they each are located, that states you are resigning as POA. Also send it to the law firm that did their POA and will.
involved with my toxic, mentally ill son who keeps trying to turn me into his fixer for all the problems and drama he stirs up for himself.
Good luck to you.