I moved to Toronto from California five years ago to take care of my grandfather, who was all alone at the time. I spent the last of my twenties in this role, assuming my mother would eventually move back from abroad (Nairobi, Kenya) to help me take care of her aging dad (he's now 96). I was wrong. After years of my (extremely unreliable) mother promising to move back to help me take care of him, I have given up on believing her. Instead, I think the only way that I can get help caring for my grandfather is if I move back to California with him. Is this an unreasonable ask of my grandfather to have him move to California with me? He doesn't have much of a life here outside of living in the same condo for 20+ years. He would be happier to be around my siblings, his grandchildren, I just don't know if this is a selfish ask on my part... it's just that I can't stay in Toronto any longer. I'm all alone here and I feel I've sacrificed so much. I just want to be back home where I can depend on my dad and my siblings. Please help!
I think whatever country he has citizenship , you should place him in a care home there if possible . It’s not fair for you to give up your life .
What kind of care does he need ? You should tell grandpa you can not do this anymore . Does he have money or a home to sell to go into assisted living ?
Does he walk ? Could he go to assisted living , or does he need SNF for more care ?
To be honest, the outcome for granddad, at age 96 is of little import to me. Let your mother know you will be leaving in (a month, two months, whatever you decide) and tell her he will be alone then with access to the other family members in the area.
Tell him you are moving and he is welcome to come with you.
Otherwise he will have the family there where he is.
Whether he goes into care or stays to die in his home at this point, unless you are seeing specific instances of abuse, doesn't seem especially relevant to me.
Not everything has a perfect answer. Not everything can be just "so". You have a right to your own life. Please claim it. Your grandfather has HAD his life, and a good long one as well. He can make his own decision now what to do about the fact you are going home.
I believe the answer is to resume touring ALF's here in Toronto for him. I am just dreading having to "put him in a home"
And thank you so much for your empathy. I really appreciate it. trying hard to avoid having serious resentment towards my mom.
I have some thinking to do, it's hard for me to let go. I love him so dearly
Thanks for your kind words!
You have done all you can, time for you to start living your life, not his.
Best of luck!
What exactly did he need a caregiver for? Just because a person is in their 90's (he was 91 when you moved to help him) does not mean they need a caregiver.
So to get to your question....
What does grandpa want to do?
If he wants to move then make the move.
If grandpa does not want to move what are your plans? Are you going to give up the rest of your life and stay with him until he dies?
Do you have the "authority" to force him to move? If he is cognizant he can refuse to move.
If he does not want to move then enable him to remain by setting up a way that he will be safe on his own. There are devices like Alexa, cameras that can help you monitor him.
This will be real simple if you ask grandpa if he wants to move and be closer to family and he agrees. Better to ask him than "us" here on AgingCare.
If he wants to stay in Toronto, let him. He'll have no one and will probably have to go into assisted living or a nursing home. Moving to California sounds like a win-win for everyone especially you. California means family and you won't have to assume all the responsibility of meeting his needs.
Move to California. Line up some senior housing or AL for your grandfather to go to.
They will provide free of charge services up to 35 maybe 40 hours per week. Contact Social Worker. They will also help you with finding facility and help you with other issues if you decide to look for AL in Toronto.
Also, be aware as Canadian if he is out of the country for more than six months he will lose his residency status.
That means if he wants to come back he will have to reestablish that and would not qualify for any benefits i.e. medical or GIS.
Also, if he is resident or dual citizen of USA and Canada he will have to pay taxes in both countries if applicable.
There are many complications.
On the other hand it is really not that difficult as my son lives in USA and he has triple citizenship and I know I could easily live in USA. Canadians can obtain special residency.
The age of your grandfather is a big factor here.
At the same time being around family and in California could be beneficial.
Do they let anyone in ... I mean, what is the criteria?
I surely LOVE Canadians based on my one experience there for two days (waiting for the cruise ship). The people are different. Kind, aware, easy going. I need to check this out. Now in my early 70s ... I need to think ahead a bit / or a lot more. Thanks.
Good luck & hugs 🤗
She needs to get a medical assessment.
Questions:
1) Does he want to move back?
2) How is his health in general?
3) Would the amount of time he has left, if moving to US, outweigh the stress of the transition, and staying where he is?
4) Weigh the pros and cons, which I know you are wanting / trying / doing.
5) Would you be traveling with him? If not, who would be. Certainly do not allow him to travel alone.
6) Is he incontinent? On medications?
I would encourage you to let go of 'selfish' intentions (internal dialogue/ self discussion) - and focus on what is best for him. And, what he wants. If he isn't motivated to leave / move, I think that needs to be considered - although I generally tell people to 'do what is the loved one's best interest, not consider what they (say they) want. Sometimes they do not know ... if not most of the time. "Decisions" / thoughts are made in present time and often based on fear(s) and changing the status quo (hard to do, not wanting to upset the routine).
Plus, his mental state needs to be considered, i.e., is he depressed, bored, aware ? Does he has dementia?
Gena / Touch Matters
One big item if he comes to CA with you.... will he live with you and/or family members or will he live independently, which mean locating independent living in a state with very high rental rates.
He may be healthy as a young horse today but as we age illness can come upon us in the blink of an eye so the other big thing you want to consider is healthcare. Canada has a great healthcare system although I'm told that the wait for placement into a facility can be rather long if you need the healthcare system to pay for it. The system is the US is not bad but is very different. If he is recing us social security that will follow him anywhere in the world but make sure that he is eligible for Medicare (check out their site at www.medicare.gov). In case he should run out of funds to pay for independent living, please check now to see if or when he might be eligible for Medicaid.
Grandpa is truly blessed to have such a kind and caring granddaughter. I hope you (and grandpa) can get your lives on track. Please keep us updated on your journey in which we wish you peace, joy and love.
You need to make the move for you. You are too young to give up your life.
If you want your life back then leave him in Toronto with the best available resources available that he can afford. Even managing this is complicated and time consuming, but the process of getting grandpa safely settled in Toronto will be like meditating on a mountain compared with moving him to California.
It could take literally years of frustrating, confusing, time consuming attempts to get grandpa safely and comfortably settled in California - as you try to navigate all the US health care loopholes that are daunting (even for a US citizen to manage) - you would likely become more and more exhausted and desperate to find workable solutions for his care as nobody else steps up to the plate to do this for you. Don't assume that social workers or physicians or non-profit organizations or community/governmental agencies will help - because likely they won't. Will family help you? Maybe, but you can't count on it.
So what I'm saying is that very realistically moving your grandpa to California will not free you from caregiving, it will make your life so much harder as you attempt to manage and set everything up for him. Your caregiving role will become more demanding and time consuming for you if you move him to California.
I say all this as the sole caregiver for my (now deceased) mother. I managed her moves over a 10 year period to 3 different assisted living facilities in 3 different states. The process was a nightmare that never ended. Nothing went smoothly. And my mother was a US citizen, already set up with Medicare and long term care insurance.
Keep your grandpa in Toronto at the best facility you can find - and even this won't be a piece of cake. Good luck.
If he can sell his condo, average condo in Toronto is $600,000, he will definitely be able to afford better AL.
There is innovative concept of AL combined with condos for over 55 living in good community with private lake, pools, clubs, good restaurants and shops located on main floor of several buildings.
One can buy condo or lease, staff ratio is 5-1.
Price for decent size apartment 12,000 per month.
I can see for grandfather at his age life could be lonely.
On the other hand, if in California your family is close to him and he has dual citizenship then his quality of life would improve.
The most important thing is you have to make decision for yourself, you cannot stay in Toronto and continue taking care of him. Maybe ask your mother one more time?
I have decided to set up grandpa at the nicest assisted living home I can find here in Toronto. Then, after getting him settled, I will move back to California, where I have a job, family and friends waiting for me.
It is what makes the most sense -- and I'll come visit him every few months / whenever I can make the trip to Toronto.
I have so much relief that he will be some place where he is safe at all times and looked after. Thank goodness.
My mom remains unconvinced this is the best decision, but she is not here. She has not been his caregiver, I have done that. She can't want him to stay at home and age in place when she's not the one here... I am posting separately about that.
Thank you again everyone for the feedback - it has helped tremendously!
I hope that everyone is doing well and taking good care of themselves!!