Follow
Share

I’m her caregiver I’ve no siblings. I’ve always looked after her taking her with us in weekend breaks etc., she’s now 94 yrs old she had a stroke 5 yrs ago and now has vascular dementia mild/moderate debilitating arthritis in knees wrists etc., so mobility is limited. I’ve moved her in with me and my family she occupies the living room and I do her personal care. There are now 5 adults in our 3 bed semi my living room sofas are in my dining area so we had to get rid of the table. We are a little crowded. Question is can I charge her living expenses the heating is on constantly at the moment??

You are asking that your mother pay for what sounds an unsafe, unwholesome living situation for herself and for all involved.

So basically, yes, you can charge for shared living expenses, but the person must be competent enough to agree to pay them, and it must be legally done.
That will depend upon her ability to do so. You cannot simply confiscate her money and assets. So it is time for you both to see an elder law attorney about shared living expenses contract.
If you do not have this carefully and LEGALLY made out, then your getting money from her will look like "gifting" and she will be unable to get any governmental assistance with placement (if needed) or care because of that gifting.

This is a case, where you are so unknowing, and the LEGAL issues are so DIRE, that you need the help of a certified Elder Law Attorney. Your mother's funds pay for this consult.

I will add a "HOWEVER" to all this. If you cannot provide a safe and uncrowded place for your mother in your home she should not be there, and you are charging for something unsafe, unkind, and a burden to ALL involved. THAT won't work.
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to AlvaDeer
Report

Have you considered getting her assessed for LTC? This needs to be done by either her doctor or the LTC facility itself. LTC can be covered by Medicaid plus one's SS income, if the person qualifies.

My MIL was in an excellent LTC facility (faith-based). Her only income was SS (no savings, no assets, no properties) She had memory impairment and was bed bound due to chronic back pain and muscle atrophy. She was there for 7 years before she passed and got excellent care. I had an Aunt who started to display dementia in 1989 (which means she had it prior to that). She was in her late 80s at the time and lived to almost 101. Please consider that your Mom may be in your home for a long time if she doesn't have any other chronic medical conditions.

Please keep LTC option in your mind as a solution. You do not need to tell your Mom anything that would upset her. But, caregiver burnout is a real thing that your Mom would not want you to suffer. Your self-care is the priority.
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to Geaton777
Report

Lizzie, go to an Elder Law attorney. It will cost a few hundred dollars (paid for by your mother) but will be well worth it. He or she can tell you what is a reasonable amount to pay, based on your living expenses and your mother's income and assets. More importantly, he or she will help you draw up a contract that will avoid causing problems with the Medicaid look-back, should that become necessary, and also advise you on whether this affects your taxes or your mother's.

Does your mother have money that could be used for facility care, such as, did she have a house that she sold to move in with you?
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to MG8522
Report

A lawyer will help you with deciding on a reasonable amount . My nephew had the same concern . The lawyer came up with the amount .
Placement may become necessary some day . The lawyer can speak to you about what you need to do to not cause a problem with Medicaid look back ( if you are in the US) You should ask about that as well .
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to waytomisery
Report
Lizzyteardrop23 Jan 3, 2026
Thanks for your advice much appreciated! We are in UK so will have to look into that. Again thanks
(0)
Report
Call the local Assisted Living Facility and get the number they charge per month. Average about $6-10 thousand dollars per month, depending on care needs, for Assisted Living. It goes up if they need memory care or Skilled Nursing. We paid $200,000 dollars plus a year to keep my dad at home with 24/7 care, agency plus private care. With hospice support, who paid for the hospital bed, Hoyer lift, chux and wipes and diapers and twice a week bath aides who did bed baths and changed linens and did some grooming like nails trimmed. My elderly parents had very basic long term care insurance for 40 years they paid a premium. It has a 6 month ramp up where you have to pay out of pocket for 6 months and have to qualify for skilled nursing care and lifetime max of $175,000. Dollars. I used my dad’s hard earned and saved money to pay for his care at home. He never wanted to go to a nursing home and saved money to make sure he had funds. The responsibility of managing it all was all mine when he was unable at 92. My mother age 88 at the time was unwilling and/or unable to manage everything. LTC insurance is a racket and if you are willing to tangle, you might come out ahead. I was dropped into the middle of the fray when he was 92 and had a health crisis. My point, and dad’s, was Plan Ahead. Save. Quality private Care will cost more than you realize.and managing your parents caregiving, even if you are doing only limited hands on care, will consume your life and leisure time. Many people are doing the hands on caregiving of elderly parents with 24/7 supervision, toileting, bathing, hygiene, meals, laundry, housekeeping in addition to managing their Own lives. It’s not sustainable. I’m still managing caregivers for my 91 year old mother now who lives at home. My life was completely changed by this experience.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to Beethoven13
Report
Lizzyteardrop23 Jan 3, 2026
Gosh you’ve certainly dealt with and still dealing with alot. Caring absolutely consumes your life. My husband and I haven’t had a holiday in 13 yrs only an occasional weekend break when she’s been hospitalised. I certainly never envisaged this and don’t want this for who knows the next 5yrs when I’ll be 70yrs old myself. If returning home with care 4x daily and my input 3x daily I’d do it in a heartbeat but with her mobility issues I’m not sure at 94yrs old returning home would be possible.
(0)
Report
Yes , but you should go to an eldercare lawyer and have a legal paper drawn up for room and board . You would need this record for if your mother ever needs to apply for Medicaid .
Also does your mother have POA drawn up ? Have you considered placement for mom in a care facility ?
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to waytomisery
Report

Yes, and it’s a great idea to do so. Put the agreement in writing. Align everyone’s expectations for this living arrangement from the start.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to Slartibartfast
Report
Lizzyteardrop23 Jan 2, 2026
How do you know what is a reasonable amount?
(1)
Report
See 1 more reply
You need to think of the future and possible placement for her.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to LoopyLoo
Report
Lizzyteardrop23 Jan 2, 2026
So hard to do inviting her to live with me then tell her she’s going into care!
(0)
Report
See 1 more reply
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter