Can I get an honest answer on how people feel about being a care giver to a parent? When? How? Who? How long? When to move to facility?

Justneed2talk...

Your turn.

I don't expect my kids to do hands on care for their grandparents. I was put in a bad position as a child and I don't want my kids dealing with that.

For me, I was not close with my mother or my father. They were very self-absorbed people, a little narcissistic, and had very little interaction with me growing up, and very little guidance. I did not/do not hate them or harbor any resentment, I just never felt a close bond. My mother died over 20 years ago.
I was 42 and had no idea how to handle it. She was Very IN-CHARGE, and continued to call the shots even as she was weakening from an aggressive cancer.
I did bring her to my home, but did not do a lot to care for her. It wasn't a burden for me. She only lasted two weeks at my home before she died. It happened so fast, I don't know what I might have done or felt had she required long term care. I think the wisest thing for me to do would have been to find a care home for the more difficult personal caregiving and medical care, if it had come to that. I was so unprepared!

My 85 yr old dad is still living. My parents had been divorced since I was 11, so he was on his 4th marriage by the time my mother died. He is still married to his wife who is 20 years younger than he is, and they live just a mile up the road from me. I give my father attention and spend time with him, because it seems to be important to him. I get nothing out of the relationship. He still is, as always, self absorbed, superficial, rude, and treats me as if I am a child. He never was there for me or raised me as a child, so I get the feeling he is trying to be a father figure to that child now. I am a responsible, 63 yr old grandmother.
I am much more responsible than my father or step-mother. I just found out this week that he has no life insurance, so his wife is now trying to save, and squirrel away money. They have been reckless spenders, self-indulgent, desperately concerned with upholding their image of wealth and fit in to the wealthy establishment, superficial, selfish, neither one of them would ever take care of another person, even their spouse. I have flat-out told him/them that I will not be their caregiver, if they need one. I don't think they believe me. They are so self-centered, they don't know what my life is like. They see me as a nurturing angel, self-sacrificing, my dad calls me a "saint" for taking care of my bed-ridden husband.
I am not a saint. I am not patient and self-sacrificing. I am frustrated, emotionally and physically drained, but I do love my husband very much. I did not expect to be in the position of caring for his every need, it just turned out that way, and I do my best every day to continue. If I had had a bad relationship with my husband, I may have left him in a nursing home and moved on with my life alone. I have met women who divorced horrible husbands, and couldn't understand WHY I would continue to stay with mine, changing his diapers, helping him out of bed, and spoon feeding him. I think our personal relationships with our family members determines our level of commitment to caring for them when they are in need.
I have told my 40 year old only son that I am fine with going to a nursing home if I cannot take care of myself. I don't want my son changing diapers and taking care of my household and feeding me and entertaining me. I asked him only to check on me and/or install a camera to ensure I am not being abused or horribly neglected. Good and bad people work in care homes. It's sad, but sometimes our elders are abused and treated horribly by the people who are paid to care for them! We owe it to our loved ones in a care home to be their advocate and make sure they are getting the best care they deserve.

Every situation is so unique! A lot depends on your relationship with your parent, how active/social/etc your parent is, or is not, gravity and level of health issues, their personal habits and how they mesh (or don’t) with yours, and care needs. Do they like a lot of activities? Do you have a lot going on in your home? Do they have other friends (or will they be completely dependent on you?)? Keep in mind all this is a fluid situation and can change drastically quickly, or gradually over time. For me, I didn't even ponder all this, as my dad needed support (mom died) just after COVID lockdown but before vaccines were available—facilities were all still locked down (and he had financial limitations). Then a cancer diagnosis. After that multiple health issues. But it hasn’t been easy for any of us. We are empty nesters, and what was once an active busy household with lots of people in and out, became quiet with the kids moving away and Covid aftermath. My dad feels isolated and bored, but his health and functional issues (and preferences—longer story), have been obstacles to him finding a niche and enjoying life, despite my finding a plethora of choices. He tries very hard to not be dependent, but he is 94 and can’t help that he can’t see well, hear (even with good hearing aids), walk stably, smell, or have fine motor dexterity. He is somewhat incontinent. He has multiple infections of the bathroom variety, making cleaning up extra. As a caretaker, I have allowed my whole existence to become about caring for him in every way (my fault), and it often is a full time 24/7/365 thing even though he is still pretty good with ADLs. A lot of stress, lack of freedom and exhaustion. As a caretaker, you can become responsible for making a lot of decisions about meds that aren’t taken regularly, but based on different benchmarks and health clues—it becomes a lot of responsibility. And in my case, juggling a number of chronic and serious health issues, two pages of specialists, nurses and PT in our house four to five days a week, etc. I am never off the clock. I do not go to bed at night when I want, sleep as late as I want, etc etc. And of course, all that you do you want to do it with kindness and lovingly and try to preserve their dignity as much as possible—even if cleaning up a bathroom mishap at three am. And it does put a strain on other relationships. I know for us, my father would have been much happier if it had been possible for him to be in a good assisted living facility with others to socialize with. I could have still been his caregiver, but in a different way. I feel that his personal dignity and sense of independence and autonomy would have benefited. (No man wants his daughter to have to do the things I have had to do for him.). And as he declines it is only going to get harder. Nursing home placement in a good place seems much more complicated and is something we are having to consider now/soon (after over five years of caring for him in our home, but his needs are beginning to become more than I can handle alone and some of his issues preclude in home care). I wish you the best in your decision making. There is a lot that goes into it and many find the experience hard but enjoyable and fulfilling. Most do not have all the issues my dad does, and in home help although expensive, is what makes it work for them. I love my dad, but it hasn’t been a scene from The Walton’s for us and I think he might have been happier (maybe not healthier—but happier with more varied people to interact with) someplace with me actively supporting him while he partakes in what a good Assisted Living could offer. We will never know….

The 2 yrs 9 months I spent caring for my lifelong mentally Ill, hoarder, undiagnosed dementia mother were the worst times of my life. And I didnt even live with her. I did have to take her in for 9 days during a hurricane power outage. The heat here plus her poor mobility would have been an unsafe situation that I couldn’t allow on my watch. Those 9 days were hell for my family. Her weirdness, her food issues, her cleaning her dentures at my kitchen table in spite of my asking her not to. Her night time hallucinations that were likely a combo of poly pharmacy and emerging dementia left me terrified she was going to become unmanageable. We could not wait for her to be back at her house. She passed this summer and I’m relieved. I realize my situation was more difficult challenging than some though.

Find other options before you agree to be an option.

Do not move parents in with you or you with them. Especially you with them. Why? Because you are still considered their child and its their home. In your home you can set boundaries. Always set boundaries. They need you more than you need them. You have a job and family, the trump Mom and Dad. There are options other than you becoming the physical caregiver.

I didn't know how to NOT be the answer to my mom's problems. Her (30 year younger) husband divorced her 4 years ago and she ended up in the psych ward. It was my house or the streets for her once they released her. This past four years has been a living hell for me (and frankly, probably not much fun for her) because of how I was treated by her my entire life. Talk about facing your demons.

It took four years, but we finally got her qualified for Medicaid and placed in memory care two days ago. The relief of not having her in my house 24/7 is astounding. On the flip side, I'm still really struggling mentally.

If I had to do it all over again... I have no idea what I could have done differently. :( Ideal world... she would have never stepped through my door. But with her income under $1,200 I couldn't let her go out on the streets.

I would have loved it if my daughters had offered to let her visit for a week once a year or so. Or my sister (long story why that wasn't a good idea). There was no respite, no escape.

I'm glad both my parents were gone by the time I was 40. I wouldn't have been a caregiver to them anyway.

I was Caregiver to my beloved second husband without hesitation.

Do not live with the parent. Do not have the parent live wth you. The reason being you become the default on-call, 24/7 caregiver and this leads to burnout.

Do not care for someone ongoing unless they assign you as their DPoA. Being someone's DPoA does not mean you are responsible to provide the actual hands-on care, it only means you oversee or manage the care, and make decisions about the care (medical & financial).

Once a parent is on a downward trajectory, if they don't have a PoA and do not have sufficient financial resources and cognitve powers to hire/manage care, then social services needs to be involved.

"Would u expect your kids or grandkids or significant other to help with your parents?" NO. It is immoral and unethical to assume or pressure others into a caregiving role. Each person decides for themselves if they do it or not. There's no wrong answer. A willing person does it for as long as they want and then they can stop, with no explanation needed to be given.

Most elders have had all their lives to prepare both mentally and financially for their sunset years of increasing need for help.

My 96-yr old Mother lives next door to me (she's always been single and I have no other siblings). This past year she fell and broker her pelvis. As she convalesced at home I made her pay for hired aids 8 hrs a day, 7 days a week because I did not want to have to live at her house while she healed and regained mobility. She screeched about the cost (but she had the funds). I still have a life (semi-retired, volunteer work, grandkids, etc). Then she fell again in November and wrecked her arm. Again I had her hire aids until she could function on her own again. She is 96. She will continue to fall with greater frequency. Yet she wants to stay in her own home. Fine, but I'm not going to be her on-site caregiver. I manage everything else for her, and make decisions in her best interests, but I'm not going to sit in her house and listen to her blast anger-tainment news at high volume all day long and help her with hygiene stuff. That's my boundary. I do lots of other things for her (food shop, bring meals over, take her to appointments). I've taken her to 3 dental appointments in 2 weeks. I've told her that the minute she is no longer safe in her house, loses her mobility permanently, or I'm overwhelmed by her care she will need to go into the very nice facility that is 3 miles away. She hates this thought.

The thing to NOT do is romanticize how it will go.

Just, you will find many many honest answers on this site, but they won’t tell you what it will be like for you. The needed care varies wildly, and people’s reactions also vary. For some, fecal incontinence is the last straw. For other’s being woken at night, or simply sharing the house with the parent or a string of carers, or not being able to keep up their own social life as it used to be. Or having to have the parent in a bed in the living room to access the downstairs rooms, or never having private time themselves, or just having the TV too loud or the room too hot.

You can find all of this by using the alphabet list on the site. Sorry, there are no short cuts just for you.