Can I override decision of my POA in instances where I am unhappy with decisions?

Yes, you can.

Have you ever been told that you have "lost mental capacity" or are "no longer competent to make decisions"? As you say you have good mental faculties I assume not; and in that case the person with POA cannot override *your* decisions, is the point. The decisions are yours to make.

What kind of decision is causing trouble, if you don't mind my asking?

Until you are incompetent or unconscious, you are in complete control.

POAs are not intended to take away anyone's rights. It is about your wishes being honored when you can not articulate those wishes.

upset elder, would you like to share a bit more about your situation? Some of us might have idea on how to deal with heavy handed daughter.
As you have been told you are within your right to refuse anything daughter wants to do and if she makes you do it that can be seen as elder abuse.
The other thing is that once you have given someone POA you can take it away again and appoint someone else.
Seen from both angles what may seem to the elder to be heavy handed may appear to the daughter to be actions taken to ensure the elders comfort and safety.
Now the main thing I would be concerned about and always am is the daughter's control of my money especially if there is a significant sum involved. So often relatives misuse the elders money for their own gain. Now it is veryfair for a caregiver to be compensated for things they purchase for the elders use and even have them pay a share of household expenses but they must not use it for their own pleasure.
You are clearly capable of using a computer and posting on this forum so your view of your mental faculties is probably correct.
Please stay with us this is a great place for support and information, everyone has their own story and people really care about each others welfare.
I too am an elder and have just been downsized by my daughter. I was certainly ready to do it and she has provided a beautiful home for us to live in and all the support we need but it was still hard to agree to getting rid of "my" stuff and some things decisions were made about things I probably would not or should not use again but were still nice to keep "just in case" it was a case of "Mum does not need 3 of X" In the end I feel truly blessed that I have such a generous and caring daughter.
I hope you can make peace with your daughter's decisions if on reflection you can see why she is making certain decisions and what other things she has going on in her life.

Veronica, you responded to my POA question, and I thank you for that. Sample of what I think is heavy-handed conduct: My oldest daughter called me two days ago and surprised me with the information that she and her family (live in Arizona) are coming to visit me the end of May. I am sooooo excited, and told her I would make reservations for them close by (no room to stay with me) and would be pleased to pay for their accommodations.

Next day my "POA" daughter casually mentioned to me that she had made reservations for her sister's visit. I just about fell off my rocker!(just kidding; no rocker for me). She also announced that she is coming over the end of this week to pay bills (we have done this together because my doctor opened his trap in her presence) and now she is flying high! If you know what I mean. Seems to think she should take over everything, no discussion or anything. She just TELLS ME "I AM GOING TO........." Hey! I don't need all of that "help" yet. She has even told me I am not to spend any more money! "We need all we have to take care of you properly!" I returned some things I had bought, but I have a feeling we are going to butt heads over this one!

Help!
Upset Elder

This is for countrymouse, is this reallyreal, and Veronica: I just want to thank all 3 of you for responding to my "upset elder" note. This is a very good forum, I believe, and should be a wonderful for senior seniors. I discovered the site by accident yesterday, but maybe a little angel gave me a small push in this direction. Wonderful! Wonderful!
Upset Elder

Upset, first, did you execute a DPOA, or a POA contingent on declaration of incompetency or other physical situation that would prevent you from making decisions? (I.e., I made decisions as proxy when my father was intubated and induced into a coma b/c of a multitude of co-morbidities that had compromised his ability to breathe).

I think your daughter could be very sincere but not really cognizant of how to manage the authority GRANTED to her, but she can't just take over and plan your life for you.

You might need to have a serious come to reality talk with her, very quickly, and make it clear that she can only do what you authorize her to do.

Obviously she seems to have her own interpretation of her authority.

Upset, can you say more about what you mean when you say " my doctor opened his trap in her presence"? Did your doctor say that you shouldn't be handling your own finances, or words to that effect?

Upset, I'm sure with the best of intentions but perhaps your daughter is just jumping the gun a little.

So she made hotel reservations that you were perfectly capable of managing? But the upshot is, the reservations got made - no problem there. When you look at it, this is no more annoying than, say, somebody completing a sentence for you. I.e. it IS annoying! - but it wasn't meant to be.

The "coming over to pay bills" thing. I can quite see why you might be thinking 'oh-oh' but you can turn this to your advantage. It will be the IDEAL opportunity to set daughter on the right track for now and the future.

I am guessing that your doctor let slip the "D word", did he? What your daughter needs to understand, and take very seriously, is that a person's faculties do not have an on-off switch. For most things, for the foreseeable future, you will be fine but you will appreciate her support and advice. As time goes on, it will be helpful if she takes on more of the admin as you begin to find it a headache. But what you aren't happy with is her swooping in and taking over - this needs to be a gradual, proportionate process, not a coup d'état.

So, using your most tactful voice, lavish praise and appreciation on daughter when she comes over but also draw those lines. Very blackly.

I know it may cost money, but sitting down with your attorney with your daughter present can be very helpful. My parents and I sat down together with their attorney so that I could learn what I (the DPOA) might be responsible for once my parents were "incapacitated." Also, I wasn't the onr to determine when either parent reached that point. My mom had 2 doctors state this in writing, and at that time, my dad requested that I take on the role of her medical power of attorney. Her medical needs became heavy, and Dad didn't like making all the appointments, trying to wade through the medical tests, etc.

The earlier meeting with the lawyer, sharing copies of the legal documents with me (to show me my responsibilities), and my keeping connected with my parents and their attorney went a long way in guiding me and the decisions that eventually had to be made.

I had great parents who raeared me to be compassionate and wise as I made decisions. I am honored that they chose me out of their five children for what became an extremely difficult task.

A POA doesn't take away your power. Your life should continue as normal after a POA has been legally named. A POA should be in place when you can no longer manage on your own and your designated agent (via the POA) can step in legally and assist. You have ever right to hold your ground, speak your truth, and continue living in the way you always have prior to the signing of a POA. Just a side note, I thought my mother was able to take care of things at her house. She would tell me that she did this and that -- paid bills, contacted this service or that person, etc. She managed her dementia well, but not her life tasks. When she finally went to a care facility and I stepped in to take care of the finances, her HO insurance had lapsed, her taxes were 30 days overdue, she had notices that her utilities were going to be stopped...! She was incapable of doing the tasks, but she could certainly talk about how she did the tasks, so I would not be concerned. Upsetelder you seem very sound and rational. My only advice would be to allow loved ones into your world (as needed) and be honest about your capabilities. There's nothing wrong with saying "I need some help figuring our my home owner's insurance/taxes/paying bills..." it will take the mental pressure off of you so you can feel more secure about knowing these important things are taken care of.

my husband wound up in the hospital this week, he was bleeding profusely rectally. He has told people that what ever decisions to be made I do it. I do not have poa in writing and his dr. called me last night to discuss which procedure they wanted to do. After the discussion it was decided to do one over the other because of his condition. Hopefully they will not have to do the other procedure but I was wondering was it not the doctors that should have made the decision and not mine?

I’m in the middle of a court case, my ant who is the executor of my uncle will, took myself and my sister our uncle POA to court for spending to much of his money on his care. We have full financial as well as medical care decisions, no restrictions what so ever, gifts loans by sell house, pay ourself as his attorney a professional salary. My uncle passed 18 months ago myself and my sister kept ever receipt spent, we had to have his whole house renovated for him to return home, we had to by a car to take uncle out on trips, my sister was a second carer overseeing all the care of our uncle, my ant had a forensic accountant check all his accounts a building company check all t(e building works carried out, the forensic accountant found no holes in the accouting. This has been the most horrendous time for myself and my sister, we gave up our lives for over 2 years to love and care for a man we adored, we have now been subjected to 18 months of torture, endless lawyers bills defending ourselves, up to 16 thousand pounds so far, our lawyer agrees and so does our advocate that we have done nothing wrong and this is the most cruel thing they have ever came across. The court date is this coming Monday. I have already had to sell my home in Scotland to pay mine and my sisters legal bills. To stop this going to court and costing us another 30k we have offered 40k even though we know we have done nothing wrong. We are awaiting our ants decisions today if she will accept this. Our ant by the way who lives in America has racked up so much in legal cost here in Scotland that she is now fighting to get them now paid by us. As I said earlier, she if fighting us now cause she doesn’t agree as to how we spent “ her money that was actually my uncle money on him. We had no other choice that to offer a settlement, as we may well loose our homes if she wins in court. Our lawyer has said that there are no other cases ever were this has been done to attorneys, so she cannot campare what the outcome may be if it does go to court on money. Why is it that people with money always have to ge5 there own way, our aunt in America has co signed her daughters as exectors, they are over here now in Scotland and they have put on face book they are over here to fight for justice for our uncle. One of them met uncle 4 times and the other about 15 times in there life time, they can manage to get a flight over when it comes to fighting for money but neither of them ever came over to help us in 2 years of caring for uncle. Why has this happened. What ever anyone ever does never neve4 ever be a POA if you are not an executor or benifishary of a will. Myself and my sister were left nothing by my uncle, either was uncle other sister “ mother” who lived across from him for 36 years who loved and adored him along with ourselves. So things amiss.

If she wins even by a £1.00 we would have to pay her legal costs.

I beleive my aunt is an narcissist one of the most evil ones.

Most of the responses to this question do not ask what her dr said. Just because someone is competent to type doesn’t mean upset elder doesn’t have cognitive decline. Making a hotel reservation is a pretty petty thing to go off on, just my opinion. Btw, if you know how to deal with a heavy handed daughter, maybe it’d be a blessing to her if you did change POA.

Your POA should read that your agent only has authority when you are not capable of making decisions. We all claim to be of good mental faculties, but that is not always the case and best to own it when something is a little off. It has been difficult for my Mother to accept this, but as I repeatedly informed her, we don't have to do t his role reverse where I act like her Mom, BUT I will if I have to. Its not all about her anymore. Its about me maintaining my level of sanity and emotional stability being her caregiver. So my answer to you is to look behind your agent and see how many people are lined up to take his/her place. If you don't see anyone, be nice, grow old gracefully and thank God that you are blessed there is someone in your life to assist you.

AT1234, the D word was mentioned. But as said, in early stages you can still make your own decisions. I paid Moms bills but she was capable of living on her own. She even drove. The OP seems to still be of sound mind. The daughter is overstepping her power at this point. POA comes into effect when the person can no longer make informed decisions. I like the suggestion that an appointment be made with the lawyer that drew up the POAs. He can then explain to the daughter what her responsibilities are. What she can and can't do.

Where I worked had a patient who assigned her son POA. He immediately took over her finances. He called the office asking if his Mom gave one of the nurses a $50 check. He insinuated we stole from her. My boss told him his Mom was capable to have someone take her to the bank and withdrawl money. Which is what she had done. I have read here that some states make you prove incompetence before a POA takes effect. Didn't happen that way here in NJ but most Dr. I saw could tell Mom was far enough in her Dementia she needed a POA.

The fact that your daughter told you not to spend "any more" money tells me you did something really irresponsible concerning money. Also your comment about your doctor "opening his trap" to your daughter is an eye opener. I had to go through this with my mother when she paid some men who came to her door selling smoke detectors, $3,200 for 4 cheap detectors. She gave them her her banking information and signed paperwork to allow them to withdraw the amount from her bank account. I threatened them with police action and notified the bank. She also kept sending the amount of her "points" to the Discover card people. You need to accept the fact that your daughters and doctor are on your side and want to help and protect you.
And you guys telling her to go against her daughter's and doctor shouldn't be dispensing advice about that which you know not. This could cause something really bad to happen. Do you really believe we children WANT to disrupt our whole lives to help keep mom or dad safe?

Louise, you've rather hijacked this post but I would be interested to hear how you're getting on - would you like to start another thread?

GranJan, I have met a good handful of willing, helpful children who were itching to seize control, yes - it would have made their lives so much easier than the frustration of feeling responsible without being in charge. As I think I said, their intentions are excellent but their approach is that of a bull in a china shop - and could lead the principal to decide the whole idea of power of attorney isn't worthwhile.

I would have loved to stop my mother endlessly mail ordering shoes that didn't fit her and were never going to. But a) I didn't think it proved her incompetence and b) at least the charity shops got some brand new stock out of it.

I agree that it *could* be that the OP has been scammed or done something daft; but we don't know that either.

Upsetelder: As you still have your faculties, you are in control. Perhaps your daughter is overstepping a bit.

Upset one thing that really concerns me and always does is the question of the money being spent.
Do you really understand how much things cost as you get older. It is very easy to think "Well if i run out of money I will apply for medicaid and they can pay for my nursing home" Well fine and dandy if you really want to spend your last days in a third rate nursing home sharing a room with another elder who screams all night or has to go to the bathroom multiple times or someone who is very deaf and insists on keeping the TV on loud with a program you hate.
I am not suggesting you don't know about nursing home conditions but this could be something your daughter is concerned about.
My husband was treated in rehab recently to hours of "The price is right" while his room mate slept with the controller tightly grasped in his hand.
Now if you are lucky enough to have generous daughters with plenty of money who can assist financially or care for you in their homes that is the ideal solution.
As far as the hotel reservations are concerned I would just thank my daughter and be glad to have been spared the trouble.
Absolutely daughters can be high handed but they don't usually understand the thought processes and needs of their elders.. Years of experiences change your ways.
Perhaps you are now retired and currently have more disposable money and enjoy treating the family and yourself, the family feels you should be frugal and conserve the money for later.
Whatever happens enjoy your other daughter's visit and maybe discuss thigs with her.

If your adult child is misusing your money your state should have an agency to contact.
My daughter works for the agency that handles such situations.
Also contact an attorney that specializes in elder law. It was the best use of my money to do so

When I was made POA for my two long-time married friends, they checked the boxes that gave me immediate and complete authority over every aspect of their lives--financial and medical--even if my decisions disagreed with theirs. So the answer depends upon how the forms were filled out and the choices offered.

I knew nothing of this until after the fact. I had to sign the forms in front of a notary--we chose their bank to do this, so the bank was aware and on board. So far, there have been no disagreements. It took the help of an Adult Protective Services agent to get them to give me the car keys--both their licenses had been revoked but they forgot that and kept on driving. The husband would not give me the keys until confronted by the agent.

It took a 90 minute conversation with the husband to agree to go to a memory care apartment for better care for his wife, who had frontal temporal dementia. Then he forgot. We had that same conversation 3 more times, including the day of the move when he threatened to call his attorney (he didn't have one to call). Again he agreed, since it was for the better care of his wife and he wanted that. His memory issues kept getting in the way of understanding that she was changing and no longer capable. I am grateful that even though they gave me all this authority, I didn't have to strong arm these important decisions. That authority enabled me to decide what to do with all their belongings and furniture and to sell their townhouse. I made decisions in a way that I knew they would agree with, selling their antiques to a mutually known antique buyer, donating much of their furniture to the Native American community and giving the rest to Bridging. The husband never asked anything about their belongings or townhouse once I got them to the memory care apartment, which I had arranged to look just like their bedroom and TV room at home with the same furniture arranged the same way.

They used the POA forms that the state of Minnesota uses and that had all the options about just how much authority the POA would have and when it would take effect. I have no idea what the forms of other states look like. Once they gave me this authority, there were no further questions about anything. I just had to figure out what was the best thing for them and act on it. Fortunately, I got a lot of good advice from people trained to deal with dementia issues to help in my decisions. It's been a lot of work but has been conflict free. They knew I cared, and the husband, a black man, refers to us as brothers of another color. He will be 92 this summer and I will soon turn 75. I tell him this is a path we get to walk on together. I would gladly go to the same facility he is in, should I need such. I get all his mail and pay all his bills. They were wise and saved and invested a lot, which has made things easier for me in managing their finances. I have made no changes to their investments other than to access the IRAs for the RMD. The husband has an MBA and had figured things out pretty well. This care is not cheap at some $8600 a month now, but we are good for another 18 months or so and then the facility will accept whatever public financing is available.

I am very thankful for the guidance given to me and the help just when I needed it. I make sure none of their money comes to me for anything--that's not why I am doing this. I have time as a retired person and figure what I am learning now may be useful to help my wife and me or someone else facing the same conditions. There may be a purpose for my learning all this stuff beyond what I see today.

Question? What is a DPOA? I have POA in my 94 year old dad. He didnt really want to give any of his kids POA, but I guess he trusted me the most. He has been diagnosed with Dementia, and has good days where you would not think there’s anything going wrong, and other days where he has bad days, his short term memory is gone. Therefore, I pay all his bills and take care of all of his finances. I reading all the other posts, now I’m scared because can he really take away POA? What do I do to protect him and me?

Please know ma'am that my brother came down and took over my mom's house and POA after I had taken care of her and my dad by myself.Anyway she ended up losing her home and it being sold.. Please if I may suggest.. Don't let anyone take over your power cause it is not in your favor. Make sure all your deeds, beneficiary,will etc.. are as you want them..In all the years that I took care of my mom and dad I never did what my brother did in a day.. And that action cost my mom her home that my dad worked for, not anyone else .... Don't ever let anyone that wants It so bad to have it.Leave it on paper not in anyone's ✋..

The OP could have been written by mthr when she was in stage 5 dementia, pooping in the driveway because she'd locked herself out of her hoarded house. I found letters she'd written to the person who was financially abusing her with these same words. She was completely believable unless you spoke to her at length and she let down her show-timing. She was absolutely incompetent even when she could write, read her scientific journals, and test gifted on IQ tests by her neuropsych. I'm not assuming competence by the OP, but I will support any daughter who is willing to tell mom to quit spending $.

I hope your daughter isn't going overboard, but having her pay bills with you could be a good transition for when you really need that. My mother was an accountant so her financial capabilities exceeded mine. I sat with her while she paid bills, organized for taxes and became familiar with her finances. It also let me know when she was slipping. I did suggest that she get some bills on auto pay so she didn't miss important bills. Eventually I took over the whole shebang but by that time, she just couldn't do it. I continued to consult her for some time as to her wishes. Why don't you ask your daughter why she is jumping the gun. Is she worried that you are spending unwisely and will run out of money?

Forgive me if I missed something here (I forget the earlier posts when I'm reading the later ones LOL) but I believe the question was whether the OP could override her POA daughter's decisions if she didn't agree with them. The answer is yes. POA is, or should be written, to describe & clarify the specific powers being granted to the agent. If OP has not been declared incapacitated, typically she can not only override decisions made by her agent, she can appoint a different agent whenever she likes (with that person's agreement, of course). And if OP HAS been declared incapacitated, the original POA is no longer in effect. However, if the POA is a DURABLE power of attorney, it continues to be in effect upon declaration of incapacity of the person who granted it. And at that point it can't be changed. Period. The POA can't appoint somebody else; that's why its advised to have an agent and a successor agent on board when originally granting a durable POA. Also, re your doctor "opening his trap": her doctor is not allowed (legally) to tell her ANYTHING about your medical situation unless you have specifically granted him/her permission to do so with the appropriate documentation. Busymom said "my dad requested that I take on the role of her medical power of attorney" but unless her mom had already appointed her as successor DPOA when she was still competent it couldn't have been done. Lisaromair says "my brother came down and took over my mom's house and POA". He couldn't have "taken over" POA. If Lisaromair was POA, her mother would have had to change POA to the brother. And if Lisa was DPOA, the only way the brother could have become DPOA would be if he was already named as successor DPOA in the document and Lisaromair stepped down or couldn't do it anymore. Perhaps Lisaromair means that there was no POA and brother came and asked mother to appoint him and she did. But if she was competent, she can certainly do that. Of course, all this is not to say that bad things don't happen! Just to encourage everybody to have a GOOD LAWYER draw up these documents and get them recorded so as much as possible all foreseeables are in BLACK AND WHITE.

This kind of makes me think of my mother. She insists that she can manage her own finances, drive a car and take care of her own medications. About 8 years ago I noticed she was making unusual purchases and double paying bills. Her bank account was way out of wack and was a nightmare to balance her checkbook. She was also paying people that were clearly scams. Like the granddaughter being held in a foreign jail and needing help type of thing. I tried at first to work with her but finally had to take over the finances and remove all checkbooks and cards from her. When it got so I couldn't pour her meds for the day and count on her to take them we decided that she would need assisted living. She still contends she can do all this for herself but is now having a hard time just walking. I would have had her move in with us but have my own physical disabilities, so this is the best I can do for her. She has gotten so I'm the only phone number she can remember, so calls all times of day and night. I'm thinking about "the phone suddenly breaking". Upsetelder, I hope you are not heading down this path, but if things are getting hard to handle please don't fight those who are trying to help. It really feels awful to have to be the bad guy.