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You could but it’s not recommended to break them out of their routines and travel can be very stressful even under normal circumstances. And you’ll be more stressed, too. It’s risky. Why take the chance of ruining the trip, stressing your LO, and potentially causing a decline in cognition from the disruption?
Yes you can. Before you do, consider the amount of strain on her being in unfamiliar places, with unfamiliar people, and out of her known routine. Consider how you will handle her possible behaviors in this. Read up on Alzheimer’s patients and how they best manage. It’s usually with a familiar place and routine. I’m sorry you’re in this sad place and wish you well in finding the best plan
Ask yourself, "What will she get out of this trip?" and "Do I need this break without her?"
Is it the wedding of a close family member? Will she remember any of the other people there or the event itself? Am I ready to be her minder the entire time so that I'm never really in the moment? What if she has an incontinence issue during any of that event? Can she keep quiet during the event? What if the change in route throws her off a lot?
My very elderly Aunt with dementia was brought to her brother's funeral in a packed funeral hall. She didn't understand what was going on (she also couldn't hear well) and she loudly asked me questions the entire time. I eventually had to take her out of the room. So, 2 people missed the event: she and I.
Maybe the answer to your question depends on how advanced her ALZ is? Maybe it's a "last trip" for her -- and even if it was, what is the real benefit if she doesn't remember any of it or it causes her distress during and after as she readjusts?
You are really the only person who is able to answer this question because you're the only one who will bear the brunt of negative reactions and fallout. I think YOU should go, for sure. Bring lots of pictures to show others. Maybe set up a FaceTime with her for anyone who wishes to see and speak with her. Also, don't let anyone else pressure you to bring her.
Another important question is how she will do on the flight there and back? My Mom, now 97, turns into a giant toddler on the plane: insisting on drinking an entire can of Coke and then freaking out that she has to pee even though she's wearing protection. One flight she of course needed to go right when the seat belt light went on and we weren't allowed to get up. I couldn't reason with her at all and she loudly threatened to poop in the seat if I didn't let her up, creating quite a scene. I knew she didn't need to even poop, just pee. I didn't let her out, and she didn't do anything, but traveling with her has become too stressful for me with not enough benefit for her. I decided it was her last trip.
I wish you wisdom as you decide and peace in your heart no matter what you decide.
Q. Will you be expecting others at the wedding to "babysit" your spouse while you socialize with people that you have not seen in years? A. If so this is unfair to other guests and family members, and to him/her. S/He will want to be with you as you are the one person he will know and trust. or Q. Will you hire a caregiver to stay with him/her while you attend events? A. Good solution. It would be nice to have a caregiver start with you and your spouse a while before you go so he/she gets used to them. And this will be expensive as you will be paying for another person. Flight, room, food and 24/7 caregiving. Q. Who is it that is getting married? A friend? Family? Does your spouse know them well? A. If this is friend or family I am sure they are fully aware of the dementia and that taking a person with dementia on even a short trip can be problematic taking them on a long trip I am sure they will understand if your spouse can not attend.
I have to ask...do you want to take them because you feel guilt placing them in a facility for Respite while you are gone? Your life has to continue. there is no need to feel guilty placing them where they will be safe and cared for. (Trust me I went through all the emotions when I had to place my Husband in Respite. Every worst case scenario played out in my mind)
I can tell you that your spouse will not enjoy being around lots of people, lots of noise, lots of conversation. And in a strange place to boot. What happens when they decide to go to the other side of the room and just happen to leave the room, and get lost. will they know who to call, who to ask for, where they are staying, how to get back?????
Please do the kind thing for everyone. Either hire a caregiver to stay with them at home or place them in a facility that will meet the care needs while you are gone. Your spouse will probably get nothing from this trip or the wedding other than frightened, angry anxious.
Well you can if you're prepared for a trip from hell. Taking a loved one with dementia out of their daily routine is very upsetting for them and they will often act out making it very difficult for those around them. As long as you're prepared to deal with your spouse acting out and wanting to go home before you even get there, by all means knock yourself out and go. Otherwise I would hire some in-home help or put her in a respite facility so you can actually go and enjoy yourself. It's up to you. Just make sure that you go into this with eyes WIDE open.
You can do whatever you want but I sure wouldn't recommend that. I'm stressed enough for myself and other able bodied companions when I travel, I could not imagine doing what you are suggesting.
Agree. Many years ago I was the assigned chaperone for elderly grandmother dying of heart failure who was taken or insisted on being taken to my cousin’s wedding several states away. She was in a wheelchair, miserable with symptoms and I took her back to the townhouse and had ice cream with her. My aunt, groom’s mother was just burdened with caring for her and detracted from her enjoyment of son’s wedding. Old grandmother was miserable and in wheelchair and didn’t enjoy either.
I live in the Northeast and my brother lives in NC where my niece had a resort wedding. My Mom was maybe 5 or 6th stage of Dementia. Its an 8 hr drive where the wedding was and no way was I taking Mom. She was already overwhelmed at Church and I stopped taking her. She last maybe an hr when we went out. She would have to share a room with us in a strange place. And the Wedding and reception! Nope. I wanted to enjoy myself not be a babysitter. I placed in an AL for respite care. She adjusted so well, I placed her.
Sorry, I don't think taking her on a plane is a good idea. Everything that leads up to getting on the plane is overwhelming and out of her comfort zone. What if she has a melt down on the plane. If incontinent, you have a bathroom your lucky if one person fits in it. Four days is a long time to care for someone far from home. Go alone. Place her in an AL for respite care. Or, bow out.
My daughter is having a "destination" wedding (in a different country) in July. Neither her grandma nor her fiance's was invited. Both are around 97 years old and have some dementia. I feel zero regrets about their inability to attend this wedding.
All family is invited out of etiquette and sharing the joy and announcement. Persons not attending may want to send gifts to the couple. The invitation can become a keepsake.
Not only would the travelling part be miserable for everyone, but the patient has the potential to RUIN the actual wedding. Feeding, bathrooms, wandering, inappropriate behavior, sundowning, etc, etc, etc. Please don't do this to anyone. Your spouse can watch a video later.
my MIL was in late stage Parkinson’s disease. She was living in SNF and FIL at home. She was fully incontinent with a Supra pubic catheter. My husbands niece was getting married at a lovely countryside event center. Not wheelchair friendly. Stone steps and no dedicated handicapped or family bathrooms to facilitate changing. I told my husband I was not going to attend because MIL and FIL wanted to attend. FIL did not plan to hire a contract caregiver to go with them. I knew that the man who could not care for his wife at home any longer did not plan to take care of wife alone on trip. My husband offered to drive them if FIL took sole caregiver responsibility. Oh, no, that would not work! Who would help with hygiene? …… so FIL and MIL ended up deciding not to go. I did attend at the last minute with my husband and son once the final decision was made and hotel fully booked. There were no ramps at the venue and several of the groom’s aged relatives complained about small stalls. So you may be volunteering others to assist without considering their needs or your spouse. Please don’t. It is not your day or your spouse’s. It’s the bride and groom. Congrats to them!
The way traveling by plane is now, I would not even attempt taking a person with Dementia on one. I don't know many that don't have a stop over. You have to go thru security. Because you have to be there 2 hrs before the flight, you have to wait to board. Then...the flight maybe canceled. Just happened to a cousin of my husband's and she couldn't get another flight till the next day. Do you have your real IDs, need them to travel domestically or your passport.
Really, this could end up being a long trip. Do you have the patience and the stamina. I know at 76 I don't.
Your question in this post and the other two you have started indicate that you are very new to dementia and Alzheimer's and how it progresses. Can you give more information on the stage, your involvement with her care and how much help you have with her caregiving.
So there are many variables that you will need to consider. Is she exit seeking when she wants to go home? What is the stage of her diagnosis? Is she able to independently do her DLA's? Your questions is very vague and indicate you want to very much remain active regardless of the diagnosis. Please do not create a life of denial with your wife's diagnosis. It is not healthy for you or her to create a faux normal life when a progressive disease is diagnosed.
My mother with mild dementia was unable to visit my house for more than two hours without becoming anxiety ridden and asking to leave every 15 minutes. Then she became exit seeking and very upset because she was unable to recognize anything even though we reassured. It was an endless loop. It progressed to where she couldn't leave the house to bedridden over a long period of time. It is a heartbreaking situation and I am sorry you and your wife have to go through it.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Is it the wedding of a close family member? Will she remember any of the other people there or the event itself? Am I ready to be her minder the entire time so that I'm never really in the moment? What if she has an incontinence issue during any of that event? Can she keep quiet during the event? What if the change in route throws her off a lot?
My very elderly Aunt with dementia was brought to her brother's funeral in a packed funeral hall. She didn't understand what was going on (she also couldn't hear well) and she loudly asked me questions the entire time. I eventually had to take her out of the room. So, 2 people missed the event: she and I.
Maybe the answer to your question depends on how advanced her ALZ is? Maybe it's a "last trip" for her -- and even if it was, what is the real benefit if she doesn't remember any of it or it causes her distress during and after as she readjusts?
You are really the only person who is able to answer this question because you're the only one who will bear the brunt of negative reactions and fallout. I think YOU should go, for sure. Bring lots of pictures to show others. Maybe set up a FaceTime with her for anyone who wishes to see and speak with her. Also, don't let anyone else pressure you to bring her.
Another important question is how she will do on the flight there and back? My Mom, now 97, turns into a giant toddler on the plane: insisting on drinking an entire can of Coke and then freaking out that she has to pee even though she's wearing protection. One flight she of course needed to go right when the seat belt light went on and we weren't allowed to get up. I couldn't reason with her at all and she loudly threatened to poop in the seat if I didn't let her up, creating quite a scene. I knew she didn't need to even poop, just pee. I didn't let her out, and she didn't do anything, but traveling with her has become too stressful for me with not enough benefit for her. I decided it was her last trip.
I wish you wisdom as you decide and peace in your heart no matter what you decide.
Q. Will you be expecting others at the wedding to "babysit" your spouse while you socialize with people that you have not seen in years?
A. If so this is unfair to other guests and family members, and to him/her. S/He will want to be with you as you are the one person he will know and trust.
or
Q. Will you hire a caregiver to stay with him/her while you attend events?
A. Good solution. It would be nice to have a caregiver start with you and your spouse a while before you go so he/she gets used to them. And this will be expensive as you will be paying for another person. Flight, room, food and 24/7 caregiving.
Q. Who is it that is getting married? A friend? Family? Does your spouse know them well?
A. If this is friend or family I am sure they are fully aware of the dementia and that taking a person with dementia on even a short trip can be problematic taking them on a long trip I am sure they will understand if your spouse can not attend.
I have to ask...do you want to take them because you feel guilt placing them in a facility for Respite while you are gone? Your life has to continue. there is no need to feel guilty placing them where they will be safe and cared for. (Trust me I went through all the emotions when I had to place my Husband in Respite. Every worst case scenario played out in my mind)
I can tell you that your spouse will not enjoy being around lots of people, lots of noise, lots of conversation. And in a strange place to boot. What happens when they decide to go to the other side of the room and just happen to leave the room, and get lost. will they know who to call, who to ask for, where they are staying, how to get back?????
Please do the kind thing for everyone. Either hire a caregiver to stay with them at home or place them in a facility that will meet the care needs while you are gone. Your spouse will probably get nothing from this trip or the wedding other than frightened, angry anxious.
As long as you're prepared to deal with your spouse acting out and wanting to go home before you even get there, by all means knock yourself out and go.
Otherwise I would hire some in-home help or put her in a respite facility so you can actually go and enjoy yourself.
It's up to you. Just make sure that you go into this with eyes WIDE open.
Sorry, I don't think taking her on a plane is a good idea. Everything that leads up to getting on the plane is overwhelming and out of her comfort zone. What if she has a melt down on the plane. If incontinent, you have a bathroom your lucky if one person fits in it. Four days is a long time to care for someone far from home. Go alone. Place her in an AL for respite care. Or, bow out.
Persons not attending may want to send gifts to the couple. The invitation can become a keepsake.
Not everyone should attend.
patient has the potential to RUIN the actual wedding. Feeding, bathrooms, wandering, inappropriate behavior, sundowning, etc, etc, etc. Please don't do this to anyone. Your spouse can watch a video later.
Really, this could end up being a long trip. Do you have the patience and the stamina. I know at 76 I don't.
So there are many variables that you will need to consider. Is she exit seeking when she wants to go home? What is the stage of her diagnosis? Is she able to independently do her DLA's? Your questions is very vague and indicate you want to very much remain active regardless of the diagnosis. Please do not create a life of denial with your wife's diagnosis. It is not healthy for you or her to create a faux normal life when a progressive disease is diagnosed.
My mother with mild dementia was unable to visit my house for more than two hours without becoming anxiety ridden and asking to leave every 15 minutes. Then she became exit seeking and very upset because she was unable to recognize anything even though we reassured. It was an endless loop. It progressed to where she couldn't leave the house to bedridden over a long period of time. It is a heartbreaking situation and I am sorry you and your wife have to go through it.