Hello, I am one of three siblings taking care of my father. He is at home and is in hospice care. We each take a week to care for him by moving in and being with him. This has been going on for almost a year. My two siblings live close (one 5 minutes away and the other 90 minutes away). I live 600 miles away and have been driving to and from at my own expense. Between gas and tolls I spend over $200 each trip. I feel like I should be reimbursed but my siblings feel that it was my choice to live so far away. Am I being unreasonable? Finances are not an issue for my father. I don't want to cause a family rift but feel like I'm being penalized. Any one else have a similar situation?
Tell your siblings that you can no longer participate in dad's care unless you are reimbursed for travel and lodging expenses.
Who has POA?
If he's more than covering your siblings' expenses then that's gravy for them, but it doesn't leave you out of pocket. I'm not sure what their justification for accepting the $300/week gift is but I certainly wouldn't lose any sleep over it. Are you also losing income doing your 1-in-3 care rota?
It sounds like father's little dig at you moving away from him TBH.
However family also know that the trips may not be as frequent as when they are just around the corner. There’s a compromise in there. How would your brothers feel about upping their visits while you drop down a bit? And how would F react if he thought they were only doing it for the money?
If you feel you deserve something for driving 600 miles, then the sibling who drives for 90 minutes should also receive something.
Another alternative might be for you to spend two weeks when you are there which would cut your expenses in half. The other two siblings could still do the one week rotation when you aren't there.
Tell siblings you will have to cut back on visits due to the increasing expenses.
My sister lives 45 minutes away from mom & I have offered her gas reimbursement especially with the cost increasing. Families are selfish. They could at least pay half.
These times are precious and worth every cent. Don’t miss your opportunity to be there because of money.
you ARE getting reimbursed for your expenses plus an extra $100 apparently . So likely you would be fine with this except that your siblings who live closer are getting the same amount despite lesser expenses. If you were getting 300, one 300 and other 100 would that make you feel better? Yes ? It never helps when we compare does it ? Just choose to be happy for what you have .
I moved four hours away and never got for anything and this included ( others are all less than 30 min) . My only regret is that when my parents passed I was not there . With my father it was not anticipated , though he was hospitalized and I had been there the day before . For my mother , she was on hospice and I still feel cheated out of being there to say goodbye.
I understand your feelings but just look at yourself and not what others are getting . Be glad also that all of you are doing equal parts of care.
Here's a question...has everything dealing with dad's care needs been divided up fairly BEFORE he was on hospice? Had he needed help previous to that? Running errands, doctor's appointments, cooking, cleaning, laundry and so forth? Did he undergo chemo and radiation and needed help then? And if so, did you and siblings equally split that between you? Or did "5 minute away" sib become the defacto caregiver, because you were too far? If that's the case, then I can well understand your siblings' position. You don't get to use distance from a parent as a convenient excuse, and then when it's no longer convenient, complain that you're being "punished " for living far away.
Dad is giving you money above your travel costs, and yet you're still complaining it's not "fair". Quite frankly, you sound like a petulant 5 year old who whines sibling got about bigger bowl of ice cream for dessert than they did.
Now if this is NOT a hardship for you, then I would not speak to anyone and would continue to pay these expenses on a monthly basis. When I helped my brother with selling, moving, becoming his bill payer by being his POA and Trustee I had fees for airlines, other expenses. I was well able to incur these costs, so it was one thing that didn't even need to be considered. This is not the case for everyone.
I think it is wonderful that the sibling and you are able to do this. It gives your Dad time with you all. You don't give us idea of prognosis and time this may go on, and that's often difficult to predict.
So again, I think that this all depends on your ability to absorb the cost. If you cannot, speak to your Dad. If he can't communicate, and you can't afford this, let the siblings know that you are so sorry, but you cannot do this anymore, or as often. Or that you can come and stay for several weeks, but cannot come monthly. There's a way to work this out if you all behave as the adults you are.
If your father is willing to pay for your gas and tolls, it should be between the two of you. There are so many issues that will come up both between now and your father's death and after his death that you really don't want to start sniping at each other over this. Your sisters should feel overjoyed that you are willing to make the trip at all. However, you cannot dictate to them how they should feel just as they should not dictate to you what you should do or feel. Your real consideration now is more about whether you want to have a relationship with your sisters after your father dies and what kind of relationship you might want.
You dont say if you are working or not but I can't imagine driving 600 miles every two weeks for over a year to care for dad who has been on hospice. It is unfair that all siblings are compensated equally when the distance for all three is so drastically different. Unfortunately if your father and other 2 siblings don't see this as unfair at this point they never will.
Oobviously hospice does not mean dying anytime soon as many posters have had a loved one on hospice for a really long time. You don't say what your father's illness is or the level of care required of you for the week you stay with him. Maybe the bigger issue is you are getting burnt out doing this as you never expected it to be ongoing for a year. How long can you continue this back and forth commuting is the bigger question.
In what world is that not fair? In fact, it seems to me that it's really the MOST equitable way of solving this.
OP's costs are being covered by this. Should his SIBLINGS be "punished" because they chose to live closer to dad?
if your dad can afford it he will pay just to have his daughter with him.
it’s a bit unfair for your sisters to expect you to travel over 600 miles every 3 weeks
Your dads assets should reimburse EACH person that is helping to care for him.
Mileage, check the IRS for current rates per mile for reimbursement.
You should each be paid for the care that you are giving. Check your local area for going rates that a caregiver would cost and his assets should be paying you for that as well.
If you happen to have to stay in a hotel during your travel from your home to your dads that should also be reimbursed as well.
And meals as well would be reimbursed.
This is not just for you but for your siblings as well.
OK...that is what I get for not reading all the other comments and posts.
You are being reimbursed. And your siblings are as well,.
I think that the $300 that is being given to each of you is fair. You can ask for a raise. Tell dad that gas used to be $2.29 a gallon it is now $4.20 and the other costs of the car have risen. But if dad does give you a "raise" in fairness he should give your siblings the same raise.
If you wish to reduce your cost rather than go as often as you do to help out take a "shift" from each of your siblings so you do an extra 2 weeks at once. That eliminates several trips for you and cuts costs.