What do I do???
My mom is usually a pretty sweet quiet person but lately she has been VERY mean and saying things that are bad. Before my mom started dementia & getting sick she and I were very close and when I got married my mom started resenting my new husband. I had been a widow for 7yrs. prior to this marriage. And I seen the jealousy through the years but this time she is crossing the line and I do not know what to do AGAIN. That is why I am here. My mom told me the other day that my husband was touching her breasts. I asked my husband and he said he would never do that. I believe him but I dont know why my mom would say these things. I started back to work and hes been the one caring for her now dr app, changing, bathing, pills, etc. because I work 10-12 hr days (I think to get away emotionally). So now I pay my niece to come and shower my mom and my mom told my niece that I was gonna kick my husband out cuz he was touching her and that is why she had to come and start showering her. I'm scared of the things that she can say to people and get him in trouble when all he's done is be there for her when I cannot. He can't work because he was diagnosed with advanced liver disease and he's working on getting his disability. We both quit our jobs to take care of my parents so we lost his life ins. and mine and I don't think that he can get any life ins with his diagnosis now. I'm just angry because now I've lost so much time with him for her and I know she doesn't understand but I'm so resentful toward the whole situation. I'm scared to death of losing him and at the same time have to work so much to at least pay for his burial. I have so much on my plate that I feel like I can't take no more. I don't know what to do. PLEASE HELP.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
When my Mom was here for a week and I was watching her she would get kind of crabby when my own daughter's needs interfered with her's so one time when my daughter was needing me I said to her for my mom to hear "Daughter, Grandma knows your needs come first , you do not have to worry about me not taking care of you. " I said this more so my Mom would realize that my daughter's needs do, in deed, come before hers--sorry-- but it is true. Not that I would neglect her but when I have to make a choice my daughter gets first pick. My Mom kinda sat back looking a little perplexed but it shut her up. It is my intention, that , if I do indeed take my Mom on full time, she understands that, while her needs will be met she is not the center of attention. She will need to make sacrifices just like the rest of us and my daughter and my husband's needs come first. She is very impatient but will have to learn to wait her turn!
Maybe you need to say that to your husband in front of your Mom-for both of them to hear. Just say " Husband -er, his name- you are my first priority. Before all eles. My Mom knows that when we got married you and I pledged to take care of each other. I trust you and I thank you for all the time you have given in helping my Mom. " and then let it sink in.
Just a thought. I have no idea if this will help but it sure made my Mom sit quiet for a bit.
God bless. Hang in there (((( hugs))))
I do think you need to defend your husband, because he is important. Chances are your mother feels that if he weren't available and your niece wasn't available, you would have to be there more. Let your husband knows that lies about him will not be ignored. I know it is important to him -- it would be to me.
I know that you have to do what you feel is right. I hope that everyone can live together in such a way that there are no uncomfortable feelings. What has worked with me on a couple of occasions was to put my foot down and tell my mother that she would NOT question my character. Maybe that would work for her with your husband. She will NOT question his character -- you know him, so you know he is a good man.
Suggestion: Safeguard your marriage. Being a caregiver is stressful enough but you work and you have a husband. Make sure your marriage outlives your mother. Make your husband a bigger priority than your mom. I'm not saying neglect your mom but let your husband know he comes first. You are lucky to have eachother.
Do you believe your husband molested your mom? Of course not! Make it a non-issue and don't give your mom's allegations too much time and energy. You know it didn't happen. Your husband knows it didn't happen and that's all that matters.
Getting your niece to help your mom with her hygeine was a good decision. I know you have a lot on your plate but deal with one thing at a time. You don't have to solve all the issues and problems today. Deal with them as they come up.
I think you're doing a great job!
Does you mother receive social security or pension payments? Paying your niece should definitely come out of her money. You have way too much on your plate to take on her financial needs, too.
In fact, I suggest that you call Social Services in your county and ask for a needs assessment. You might as well take advantage of every benefit she is entitled to.
You have responsibilities to yourself, your marriage, your children, and your mother. Your mother cannot come consistently first, at the expense of your other responsibilities. Her dementia may or may not let her understand that, but you know it and must act accordingly.
I would ask her doctor about what you can give her. I think some medications will give them more delusions. But for what its worth...your mom is young. And if you cannot do it and need to work on whats in front of you...that's your future. I know it was hard for me to even consider. But I did because I was thinking of how things affected my family at home. However...my mom was 91. I knew her time was limited...and the nurses saw all the signs that she was close to the end. I think you really need to step back and see what's important to you. Good Luck..and God Bless.