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After managing my father for all those years, I made it clear to my husband that he needed a plan for when his older brother could no longer live on his own. I was told "they don't talk about that kind of stuff". Now that is coming back to bite him.

BIL is 87 and lives on his own in a 55+ community 2 hours from us. DH is 76 (I'm 58). They have a niece (70) who keeps in touch but is also 2 hours away. BIL had to have emergency hernia surgery last month and ever since then has had cognitive decline. He basically believes a dead relative is now living with him and he is cooking for them and leaving them notes.

He has another upcoming surgery than DH is concerned about. He is worried going under so soon after the last operation will cause even more decline. He is trying to get in touch with the doctor on this with his concerns.

The big issue right now is the distance. The drive is too long and hard for DH to be making often. Driving his brother to the hospital one day and returning the next to pick him up and bring him home would be a lot on him. I suggested a taxi to take him to the hospital, but I get told that is too expensive and I am not sure BIL would be able to manage that.

My husband is in no way prepared to be dealing with this. Every suggestion is met with a reason why it would not work so I stopped making suggestions. I got burned out dealing with my father. I don't want to have to do this again, but I assume at some time I will be with my husband, and I am willing to do that. However, I am not taking the lead on this with BIL because every decision with be a drama fest and I have no patience for that. Husband did help a bit with my father, and I am willing to help him some too however he has no idea how much I really went through with my father. I was trying to save him that grief by preplanning with his brother, but he refused to listen.

Niece may try and convince BIL to move closer to her and my husband insisted that his brother would never agree to that. Pointing out that his brother may not have a choice if he needs help did no good. I don't know what he expects other than his brother get treated and get better. I have told him that might not be an option.

So I guess my first of many questions will be...how do people with no nearby relatives/friends get to and from the hospital for surgery?

Second question...when cognitive decline comes on this quickly, what type of doctor should this person see to be tested? I suggested a full physical with his GP but he doesn't have one.
I am sure there will be a lot more posts in the near future.

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From your description no suggestion or answer will be good enough. I’d develop selective hearing loss to the situation when nothing is received as even a possibility.
My city has people who provide rides to and from medical appointments, outpatient surgeries, therapies, etc. including staying with the person and taking notes for interested family. I’ve seen it on NextDoor.
Testing for dementia can be done by a GP or often more thoroughly by a neurologist
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In my community, there’s an organization that provides rides for seniors to doctors, surgery, shopping or whatever. Start by finding out if something like that is an available near BIL. You have to register several weeks before a ride is necessary, but after that you can call anytime and well in advance to schedule. They’ll stay with the patient and take them home.

Next option is Visiting Angels or similar in-home health care. They’ll drive their clients and stay with them in the home after surgery.
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If your husband has no POA, he cannot decide what BIL needs. BIL has a daughter and she should be making the decisions. She should be finding a way to get her Dad to appts. I really doubt my brothers are going to worry about me when I have 2 daughters. And I'm the oldest by 7 and 11 yrs.

I would be talking to the daughter. Its good that you don't get involved.
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lkdrymom Jul 9, 2025
My husband has POA, there is no daughter...just the niece.
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Can’t your husband stay overnight at his brother’s house to cut down his driving ?

You had the right idea about starting with his primary doctor ( GP) as it would take some time to get into see a neurologist.

How about calling your BIL’s Agency of Aging and see if they can help in any way . Check the county website where he lives under services for aging or somethlng similar . Get a social worker involved . I’m jumping ahead but it can’t hurt to get him on their radar, especially since without POA , no family has any power .

Any way the Agency of Aging is how I got my mother out of her house and placed when she had dementia and was stubborn . I had picked out assisted living but could not physically get her there myself. She refused to leave the house . I also could not get Mom to allow cognitive testing . A social worker came to the house and deemed her not safe to live alone. They were willing to return with help and take Mom to assisted living . While in AL , Mom eventually gave in to cognitive testing to “ test out “ of AL , she wanted to prove she could go home . Of course she could not.

It didn’t sound to me like this niece was your BIL’s daughter either , not a large age gap.
Does not seem as anyone truly is prepared to take this on for the long haul . Get a social worker to help .
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lkdrymom Jul 9, 2025
I am dealing with two very difficult people, my husband and his brother. As we have all seen before with seniors they have in their mind how they want things and nothing else is good enough.

Yes sleeping at BIL's place would be the easy answer but husband is uncomfortable sleeping at other people's homes.

I've already looked up taxi services in the area and what care.com offers. I am not even sure why I am wasting my time because my husband doesn't seem too interested in any solution I have come up with.

He has a conference call with the surgeon on the upcoming surgery. He wants to postpone it. Niece is visiting with BIL today to assess things. Even if my husband gets the surgery postponed, I don't think he knows what his next step is. I think it should be with the GP but he thinks his brother won't do that.

I knew this was going to be a poop show which is why I wanted a game plan. I am going to have to learn to sit back and watch the drama unfold.
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1. Uber, Lynx, taxi, or the hospital social worker can arrange a medical transport. Uncle would need to tell doctor he has no way to get to the surgery to connect with the social worker. Uncle will probably need a driver to be released by the hospital.

2. If your husband drives his brother to surgery can he simply stay overnight in town at uncle's place then pick him up the next day? Or can your husband get a motel room?

Uncle should may get improved cognition after surgery but it could take 30-45 days for the brain fog to clear.

If you don't want to be involved then step back and let uncle and your husband figure things out.
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lkdrymom Jul 7, 2025
Brain fog can last that long? Had no idea.

I suggested the taxi and it was shot down. This is one of the reasons I don’t want to get too involved because my husband his brother are both big pain in the butts. No answer is good enough. My husband complains about the cost of gas driving down there so paying for a hotel would not be received well.

my husband mentioned to doctors office that transportation was an issue and they suggested uber also. BIL doesn’t have a smart phone or computer.
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IK, sadly this is really between your hubby and his brother. They are the two involved. I would stay out of the middle of it. Your BIL doesn't even have a doctor, so it was real poor decision making for your hubby to agree to act as POA for such a person. It is an impossible job with an uncooperative person.

If hubby asks your help I would tell him you are not willing to intervene with someone without even a doctor and medical checkups-checkins once a year, and for someone uncooperative, and that you will not be partaking in any caregiving here. I would advise him to resign his POA in the case of a person who will not even agree to see a doctor for a yearly checkup.

Not everything can be fixed and sounds to me like BIL is one of those things. It is up to hubby now. But if he takes this on and insists that you do as well, then there will be no solutions; you two will BE ALL of the solutions.
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lkdrymom Jul 9, 2025
He had no idea he was POA...or at least he didn't remember he was. BIL had all his documents done a year or so ago and I swore my husband said he was POA. Never saw any paperwork. Last month when BIL needed the emergency surgery they called my husband and asked his permission. I told him it was because he was POA and he insisted he wasn't...completely forgot what he told me last year. Probably not the best idea to make someone in their mid 70s a POA.
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He has declined since the last surgery? May be even worse with this upcoming one. Doctor needs to be informed. Is this surgery a have to thing? Will this man be able to live alone if he declines even more? Will it be unsafe for him to go back home without someone there to care for him? Will he allow a CNA to come in and care for him? Does he have the money to pay for someone. It may be time to place him. Do not allow BIL to be brought into your home. You will then be his caregiver.
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lkdrymom Jul 9, 2025
Trust me he will not be brought here. It is to upgrade his pacemaker. Other than his delusion of having a new roommate he is a fully functioning adult that lives on his own. He did not have this "roommate" prior to surgery so that is why we are thinking the anesthesia was the catalyst for this change.

Husband has a call with the doctor later today to alert him to these developments. Niece is making the trip to see BIL to assess the situation. I pointed out to my husband that if he does get the doctor to postpone, what is his next step? He truly thought the cardiologist would set up testing on his brother and I just don't think that is going to happen.
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