Caregiving when you have mental illness. How do you cope?

Caregiving is an extremely physical and emotionally demanding position. Having a mental illness is difficult enough with everyday life. Meeting the challenges of both takes a strong support team and individual diligence. You cannot take care of an elderly person if you are having difficulty taking care of yourself.

Ferris1, your comments on the stigma on mental illness are right on the money! "Know your enemy," it has been written. I'd like to popularize the term "somatic illness" (from the Greek word soma for body) as a catch-all for all illnesses and disorders that do not involve or originate from the mind (from the common cold to sickle-cell anemia to most cancers and AIDS). The idea is to imply equal status between mental and somatic illnesses and their effect on the whole person.
Long story short, as a child I was on the receiving end of a lot of armchair psychology (with some incompetent professionals thrown in) that had me tagged as "hyper active," "hypersensitive," odd, weird, et cetera. I still don't fully understand what about me triggered these reactions and it could have been many things. My self-concept eroded to self-hate by my early 20's, to the point that I thought of suicide so the world wouldn't have to put up with me anymore (and I'd never receive any more abuse, nightmares, etc.) I also thought a diagnosis of mental illness (especially one requiring institutionalization) was a fate worse than death.
Education and enlightment changed my attitude and made me feel better about myself - a good thing because several years ago workplace stress interacted with my mental illnesses that I was starting to "lock up" like when your computer won't respond to keystrokes or mouse clicks. With my remaining faculties I got in to see a psychiatrist who got me on proper meds and helped me "reboot the system."
Of course, one must resist the temptation of saying, "I have xyz disorder so I can't [insert task one wants to avoid]. However, it is OK to say, "I can't..." and go about finding those who can help. That's what I'm scrambling to do now, bring in reinforcements.
Bless you all

Remember folks, in every family there has to be a "sick person" with whom other siblings and parents focus their energies, but taking focus OFF themselves. If they can blame one person for their problems, then they will. Having a diagnosis does not a person make. At least if you have a disorder, then you can treat it and move forward. I feel sorry for those who are undiagnosed and still want to blame those who are. No one with a mental illness is "to blame" for their illness and the sooner the stigma is erased the better and more informed people will be.

@HowDidIGetHere. I suspect my Mom suffers from BPD too. And my brother keeps calling Adult Protective Services and playing the "bipolar" card. I'm lucky. My bipolar has no mania, but depression and problems sleeping. I found an attorney that though expensive, he is looking out for my Mom and me. So I will be making some adjustments re the POA. I also think I've acted very controlling with my Mom, and that is something I am stopping NOW! What I need to do is be more loving, and walk away when she gets in my face. I'm lucky I've found some support, and I am going to take complete advantage of classes, support groups. I feel stronger after speaking with an attorney. I will not be a victim for my brother again.

I don't envy you folks with bipolar disorder. The armchair psychologist in me knows how difficult that can be to manage and here you have caregiver stress on top of it. Beyond that I can't pretend to know what you're going through.
I have chronic depression and generalized anxiety disorder. I may also have PTSD stemming from a traumatic experience on the job that threw my life into a tailspin that cost me my home; living with the person for whom I'm caring is the alternative to homelessness at present. It doesn't help that I think my loved one has borderline personality disorder (can't tell her that: she'd get angry and defensive). I may have to be extracted from the living environment in the near future, not only for my own health and safety, but for the fact that my diminished capacity isn't good for my loved one either. Best thing is that I have connected with resources that may help us. And my city has several hospitals and dozens of psychiatrists.
Hugs to all of you.

Yes, I agree jinx.
Anyone ever heard of an empath? It is someone who is extraordinarily in tune with other peoples emotions. It doesn't necessarily mean they are really good or nice people just really effected by others' emotions. some can be very good and kind. I sometimes wonder if that is what is going on with some mental illnesses. There are even some studies that say autism is not , in fact, characterized by a lack of empathy but the reverse-too much empathy that leads to becoming disabled from it.
Campyone, I know. It is like -"just tell me I am pretty" . I am sorry you get depressed. I have had depression from my OCD and the meds I take and it is horrible. I tell my husband I never knew how bad depression is. It is not about being sad (though you can be) but more about being -flat. Like all of a sudden your favorite things don't mean a thing to you. And just showering takes so much effort. I hate OCD. Truly I hate it but depression , man, it was rough. Blessings to you. To all of you guys who suffer.

I think we emotionally vulnerable ones relate to others' suffering, and want to help, in addition to all the reasons you have mentioned.

Mishka, That is so hitting the nail on the head for me. Just want approval from her. But don't think that's going to happen, which just ends up sending me into a deep depression.

Campyone- I ,for one , do tend to want to fix other people's problems -I thinks it is because I cannot fix my own soooo ..(I think I do that here!!!---shhhh, don't tell anyone)
. But with my Mom IDK. Sometimes I think I take care of my Mom ,though detrimental to my health , because I still crave her approval. I am still that little girl who wants her Mama's unconditional love.

Great Question!!!
Now for another.
Why does it seem that those of us with depression,Bipolar and many more mental issues, always seem to put ourselves in the postion of taking care of someone eles? are we trying to escape or own problems and hide behind someones else.
I so feel for you I am going thru a MAJOR bout of depression a the moment, and like you have no health insurance.
Waiting for the walls to close in,
Stay strong

I have OCD. Had it since I can remember. It is ,er, nice,-no not nice, but good to hear you guys' stories. I am only prat time care giver to my Mom right now. But for probably about a week before I am scheduled to take care of her-be it a week or a long weekend-I worry myself sick about dealing with her and my OCD. She hates my OCD. I think she hates it because it reminds her of when I was young and she had to deal with a very very stressed it out dysfunctional little girl and she chose to ignore that said girl instead and now she needs same girl. I think when she also hates it because it reminds her of her own untreated OCD ( though milder).. She is pretty with it mentally BTW. Sooo before I care for her I start to panic because I do not want to act OCD in front of her -my psychiatrist says This is anticipatory panic . I worry that when I am watching her I will need to do a compulsion -like ask for reassurance from a doctor or an expert about my fear of the day, or pray ritualistically( say certain prayers in a certain way) or just curl up by myself and let the worry wash over me like fire and I won't be able to then do any of these things for fear of her anger so then I worry I will have a panic attack that results in me pacing in circles, throwing up, wringing my hands and saying "I gotta get out of here, I gotta get out of here..." over and over again.

But then she gets here or I go there and I AM SUPER DAUGHTER!!! My OCD is just fine and I am so good and sweet and caring and I do all the care for her with smiles and love and I actually feel good.

Then I get home. And I am SUPER OCD GIRL And I am a complete b* t* h to my husband and I ignore my daughter's needs . I then curl up and stay in bed for about a week and my poor poor husband just takes over and lets me sleep it off.

And this is on meds. Though, quite frankly probably not a high enough dosage.

I know my pattern. I know my down falls I just am not sure , yet, how to change them. I try to build up my chances of success by eating better before my time with my Mom and gettting my exercise but it is hard to do. Usually before my time with my Mom is when I start carb craving!!!

Anyway, that is my story. Thank you everyone for sharing theirs'.!! And thanks to dinagray for starting the thread.

((((hugs))))

I'm BPII and on medication. there are times when mom pushes the right (wrong?) buttons and I have to just get out and breathe. She thinks she can do things when in reality she can't. I have to keep reminding myself that it is her illness talking and not her. Lots of times I have to just get away. Take the day.

I think most of us, whether we want to admit it or not, suffer from varying degrees of depression. Being Bi-Polar only adds to the difficulties we all face caring for aging parents. I have suffered from cyclic massive depressive disorder for most of my life. I am living with both parents, Mom with ALZ, and my Dad being in relatively good health for being in his 80s. I've been here (mostly) since 2006 in the beginning because my Doctor's told me that I could not live alone. I lost my husband of 32 yrs in 2005 that put me at the bottom of the barrel, but I have recovered mentally anyway. You MUST take care of yourself FIRST. If you don't, you won't be any help to anyone, including yourself. If necessary find respite care for your Mom/Dad and take some time to heal yourself. We have a difficult road to walk and our mental illnesses do not make it any easier. Speaking for myself, I let myself get completely run down and ended up in a coma on a ventilator for 9 days. My heart stopped 5 times and they had to shock me to get me back. They implanted a pacemaker/defibrillator before I was discharged from the hospital and I am still trying to get back to "normal". So believe me when I tell you, pay attention to your body and what it is telling you. Go to counseling, find the right drug regimen and stay on it, take care of yourself so you can continue to take care of others. Your parent(s) may not tell you, but they appreciate what you do. Where would they be without you? God Bless. I've said a prayer for you.
Sue

ukto bobo jeepy tu - tu la gooey poo..

I had to learn lots of "micro-lifelines" to use while caring for dysfunctional others.
Basics look like this:
1. Stretch well, and breath deep a few times, before getting out of bed, then get out of bed and MAKE that bed--less apt to get back into it; breathing is often compromised when a person is feeling depressed, and circulation decreases--stretching and breathing help.
2. Get cleaned up, even a little bit, and get dressed--it does not matter if it is yesterday's clothes at that point, but that you have clothes you can leave the house in, if you discover you even want to stand on the porch staring at the world.
3. Drink a glass or 2 of fresh, cool water, and eat something nutritious--even a little bit. Maybe have a cup of tea. Something pleasant--make it kind of a personal ceremony that even a little, takes you mentally away from the troubles at hand.
4. Post little 'love notes" of encouragement on the bathroom mirror, and anywhere else so you see them several times a day.
Like: "Eat, pray, Love"; "I am so thankful to have all my needs met"; "I am so thankful for being generously paid for being me"; etc.
5. Seek and read books on self-help that feel right to you, free, from the public library. Go online and seek same. LOADS of these are FREE--highly recommended are so many, too many to list. Just avoid getting taken to the cleaners financially--you can find LOADS of these FREE. Even community colleges or organizations may have classes in therapeutic communication, living with mental illness, or caring for elders, that might help.

When people around you are looking to take-down whoever is in their path, using their own personal anger and old baggage, you COULD leave the room, go for a walk, etc.
I found that it was fairly useless to try using ANY of the very good "therapeutic communication skills" taught me in nursing school, with my Mom; she simply was beyond responding to them appropriately--she used ANY attempt to identify her behaviors to her, as an op for turning those back onto the speaker, no matter who it was....she simply denied she ever did anything out of line, and considered it her right to spew whatever, do whatever she could, to get her own unrealistic expectations met, no matter who it hurt or what damage it did.
SOME kinds of unbalanced persons simply cannot respond in a rational manner.
THAT is when you need to take a break, and somehow "get away", even if it amounts to 'hiding' from them while still in the house.

Sometimes it can be crazy-making while living with folks who cannot turn off the TV or turn down the volume....or who have very different standards for "living" than you do. FIND a corner you can have your own "self-ness" expressed.
Even a tiny island of peace and tranquility is a touchstone, lifeline, to keep yourself going.
It is also important to reassess circumstances to learn if it is really appropriate for you to be the one taking care of the folks, or, is the "risk or cost: benefit ratio more harmful than good? IF it is causing more harm than good to live there to help them out, to you or to them, it is too much.
At that point, one needs to start looking for other options--either for you, or them. THAT could look like anything, depending on circumstances.

There are loads of great responses in this list, I pray you get the good of them all!

I have Fibromyalgia (which can cause depression), COPD (which can be depressing just because it's really nice to breathe well and I can't...). I've also been diagnosed as bi-polar (Type 2? the "mild" form...) and am currently on medication. I have been depressed on & off for years, and in the past was treated, unsuccessfully, with the typical antidepressants, i.e., Prozac, Wellbutrin, etc. - They don't work for bi-polar! It can be really hard some days to be "there" for my 93 yr old Mom -- steady, rational, organized, and calm. I don't know the answer except to just keep moving... I love my Mom, who is mentally bright but physically challenged. (We have an appt. next week with a Vascular Surgeon to plan arterial bypass surgeries in both of Mom's thighs - pretty scary!) I was diagnosed Bi-Polar when I sought counseling to deal with my phobic fears of losing Mom (I ran crying out of an attorney's office where we'd gone to do wills when he got to the part on 'final arrangements and wishes"), and for years had been unable to even think of or discuss the inevitable... About six months into my counseling my doc told me he had the Bi-Polar diagnosis. I think the meds do help, although it's still hard some days to maintain middle-ground (and I have to watch my spending, because that's how my "manic" state plays out - I buy! buy! buy! stuff).When it gets really tough with Mom, sometimes I just have to melt down and tell her she's pushing too hard, or expecting too much - I have to have some life for myself! I guess I'd have to say take the time or opportunity whenever possible to be kind to yourself and take care of you - even if it's just a few minutes sitting outside and enjoying the weather. BREATHE!

I too am bipolar. Add to that an extremely dysfunctional family (though my Dad has passed), and I'm considering extricating myself from it all. I have been trying to care for my Mom, (who has Alzheimer's and has always been very angry). My brother assaulted me for looking at his email. (He hates our Mom, but has no problem mooching off her). She is going to testify for HIM at the Temporary Restraining Order Hearing! How it is okay for me to have over $10K in medical bills, plus who knows how much an ambulance cost? I also had to have someone here to care for our Mom while I recovered (another $1-2,000).

If things don't change, I will take my name off the POAs and walk. If it's a choice between my Mom's health or mine, I'm going to choose me.

After a lifetime of chronic mild to moderate depression, I challenged my therapist to "cure" me. She started teaching me about Tibetan Buddhism, compassion, and choosing happiness. I am surprised to admit that I am "cured!" This doesn't mean an end to struggle or bad days, but I now have a safety net that keeps me from going down too far.
My explanation of the cure is to start to love myself the same way that the Dalai Lama or Jesus would love me, faults and all. When I screw up, or when I'm disappointed, I know that I should comfort myself, rather than kicking myself. Being loving to myself makes me more loving to everyone in my life.
Try to love yourself.

hadenough,
"they" say there are some programs for uninsured people for medications. Maybe your doctor can set you up with a program?

Great answer by Daddydaycare, with much helpful advice. Dingaray, your topic of mental illness is really a good one. I have an adult daughter with an (undiagnosed) borderline personality disorder. Therapists that she's seen now and then can never finger it, but having been her Mom for 44 years, I know exactly what it is. I love her dearly, and she has helped me with her Grandmother (my 87 yr old Mom w/ dementia). She is the most loving and caring of all the other four kids we have, but her personality can fire off unexpectedly in an instant. She would love to spend a week taking care of Grandma while my husband and I get a break, but I'm afraid it would be filled w/ ups and downs, and although I know for sure she would never be physically abusive to Grandma, I'm thinking at times it could turn into verbal abuse, and then forgotten about a short time later. I agree w/ ThirdCoastGirl about mental health and no insurance. It's a travesty. There are no pills for borderline personality disorder, and dialectical behavioral therapy, the only known help for such a disorder, is outrageously expensive. Out-of-pocket it would cost $800.00 a month! Physiciatrists are ridiculously expensive. The uninsured mentally ill often end up in so much trouble, as many times they turn to drugs or alcohol to make themselves feel more normal. I didn't mean to get off of topic, but the lack of treatment opportunities for the mentally ill is one of my pet peeves. Caring for a person w/ dementia is a huge trial for people who don't even have a diagnosed mental illness. When you add Bipolar, Depression, Borderline, etc to the mix the stress is magnified. Actually, I think caring for my Mom w/ dementia, as well as trying to help my daughter w/ borderline as much as I possibly can, has caused depression for me!! I will take some of the above advice from the comments, and I offer my prayers and best wishes to you all!!

I struggle with depression and am my Mothers caregiver. The one thing that I pray is that the depression does not take over because then I will not get out of bed. I do not have medical insurance but have found a way to get my anti-depressants by asking the doctor to write a years prescription so I will have refills when needed. I do pray a lot that I will not sink into the pit of depression while taking care of my Mother. I also realize that I have to get away a couple of times a month. This has been very challenging as no one really wants to hang out with Mom for a full day! Too bad, they can deal with one day while I deal with it 24/7. I also keep in mind that everything is temporary (even when it feels permanent) because everything in life in temporary- even our own lives. Take time for yourself, dump the guilt. My prayers are with you in this difficult time.

Hi ThirdCoastGirl, I really feel for you. This may apply to you too, dinagrey. You both, are in very difficult situations. I don't have a mental illness, but some of the difficult, and trying days I have with my parents 1) w/Dementia, 1) w/Alzheimer's, can drive me " plum loco ". I don't have any medical insurance either. But I know a few things that keeps me strong, helps guide me through the day, helps keep me sane, and positive. And that's daily prayers to God, reading the Bible, watching Joel Osteen on Sunday mornings. My home exercise, my art, and my music. I even involve my parents, they surprisingly, enjoy it. I get out once in awhile. There's no better feeling then the relief of stress, and the guidance of God's presents to help me make it through my day. I am thankful, and I am grateful, for my good days, and great days to come. So stay in peace, don't let anger steal your joy, and leave it in God's hands he will guide you. He always guides me. Wish you 2 the best. Take care of yourselves, and take care of your loved ones. Sincerely Daddydaycare.

Stay on your meds. As one with the same diagnosis it doesn't matter whether you have been diagnosed, caregiving is still difficult. Have you and your husband tried counseling? This area opens up discussions you probably haven't heard him say before. He could probably help more and give you a respite. Just try the best you can and that is all that anyone can do. Best of health to you!

I don't know and often struggle with what the right thing is to do.

One thing to do is to stay and confront it when people are fighting or just being ugly... To me that is just too hard and draining to stay. I just can't be there...

Another choice is to walk out the door. Dress well for the weather, put on headphones with music and go for a walk, a long beautiful walk, until you feel better. Endorphins kick in. Most of the time it works for me. I feel much, much better after a long walk.

Scientists say exercise is good for our brains. It supposedly helps us to make better decisions...

Could be that your parents will notice that you leave when they bicker. They might realize you stay around when they are nice. It's a long shot, but maybe they will modify their behavior if they want you to stay instead of leave.

Just a hopefully harmless thought...

I don't know and I'd love to find a little insight. I've suffered from depression for years. Meds never seemed to be very helpful. Now that I'm unemployed and moved 850 miles from my old life to live with my parents, I'm not on anything. My parents are the most trying people I've ever met and always have been. Think about two people bickering 24/7 but the bickering can turn into giant fights at random times. You never know what's going to set one of them off - well, mom is always yelling. I've been out of this environment for 20 years. Twenty years of sweet silence minus the occasional screech of my female cat going head to head with a stray at the bedroom window. Being around them is making me so depressed and angry. I hate it. The only thing I want to do is sleep. I know I'm sinking into an episode (if I'm not already in one) but I'm feeling helpless to do anything about it. Fighting mental illness without insurance isn't an easy thing to do. I know I need to figure out a way to be okay with everything but it's so very difficult.

When you are a caregiver and live with the challenges of being bi-polar, you have an even greater imperative to take care of yourself first. Most caregivers feel guilty when they consider taking time for themselves. However you know too well that if you ignore the emotional and behavioral signs that you need to take a "time-out," you mental status will only spiral downward way to quickly. So take it from a 37 year veteran and doctor who has treated mental illness, take the time you need to stabilize your mood, music works great for many of my patients.

I also live with bi-polar and thankful I am on the correct medicines to keep myself calmed down. I still have those days I just need to get away and be by myself so I put the alert bracelet on my Mother and take a walk, go to the store, go into the bedroom and take a rest, anything to get ME time to think through my situation. Hope this helped.