I need help communicating better with my Gram. We live together. When we have a disagreement I end up being accused of picking a fight/starting it. I get accused of making her sick (she has A-Fib). I am not trying to attack her but I get those accusations almost all the time. To be fair I'm sure I could have used a better tone or words. Sometimes she takes what I say the wrong way. When I try to explain my side I get accused of defending myself. Idk! 🤦♀️
Does she have a diagnosis of dementia, or signs of memory impairment?
I'm asking because often (but not always) dementia comes on very gradually and the changes in behavior and personality can make them seem like they're just "old and cranky" when in reality they may be losing their abillities of reason and logic, empathy, memory, or even their actual hearing. People with dementia can often be angry and negative, extremely stubborn, paranoid, depressed, etc.
Do you have parents that you can discuss her health issues with, if she has any? It is difficult to know what guidance to give you if she is unreasonable -- in which case no strategy is going to work with her. Maybe when you sense a disagreement brewing you use a trick called "redirection/distraction" meaning you abruptly change the subject or call their attention to something that has nothing to do with the conversation: "Oh look! What was that out the window? I thought I saw a deer...!) etc. Keep to topics that are not sensitive. Don't feel like you have to "win" any disagreement with her. She will only get worse over time.
You have moved from being a darling granddaughter to being a caregiver. No one likes caregivers. Everyone wants to make the caregiver responsible for everything that goes wrong at the end of life (which is to say everything).
Tell your grandmother and pull on the big girl pants, head out to your own life and your own job and apartment. Return to being the loving granddaughter who visits and brings flowers.
If on the other hand you stay, understand that you yourself are now a grownup and responsible for your own decisions. You are not a victim here. You have the power over your own life right now. And remember, if you stay, it takes two to argue, so learn the phrase "I am so sorry you feel that way". With people like your granny it is about all the response you need for anything and everything.
Is there some reason why you can't be an independent adult? Like she stuck your feet to the floor with stupid glue? If the reason is that Gram needs you, that's no reason. She's had a lifetime to come up with her own eldercare plan, and you don't have to be it. You should be growing up, going out and having fun, and not worrying about someone's A-Fib. Go to school. Get a college degree. Get a fine job and a home of your own where your greatest worry is where to meet your friends before having a night out doing whatever is age appropriate for you.
Also, if you are defending yourself, that is a healthy behavior, not something to be accused of by a sick old woman who may have cognitive issues. She will only get worse, not better. Run while you can, and run fast. I wish you luck in reclaiming what's supposed to be your life, not hers to command as she wishes.
Keep the tone of your voice lower pitched, higher pitch seems like yelling to some.
When you find that you are getting into an argument you need to walk away. Say excuse me and leave the situation.
Now a few questions.
Are you a caregiver for your grandmother?
if not why are you living with her?
Is that necessary?
If not maybe start thinking of moving out.
If you are a caregiver you need to learn when to continue a "discussion" and when to end it. Once ended do not revisit it, why beat a dead horse.
Sometimes simply leaving a room for a bit will change the dynamics.
you have received good advice so far. I would add:
I hope you have a plan for supporting yourself when she passes away as it will likely be in the next few years.
I agree with others that it may be best for you to live apart from her and to stop having her as the center of your life. She will most definitely decline and become more difficult to care for.
All or almost all the people I have known who reach their 90s become easily confused, irritable and very inward focused on today’s physical pains, tiredness, complaints. Even my mom at 80 is getting like this.
Even if no dementia diagnosis has been given, she could have it, or Mild Cognitive Impairment. And she most likely is becoming hard of hearing. These things make communication more challenging. While you still live with her, I would concentrate on short phrases, said slowly, while looking her directly face to face. Do not attempt to explain yourself or your side of the story. Just simple phrases like “time to get ready for bed” or very short, easy questions like “do you want a turkey sandwich or soup for lunch?”
good luck.
I should have added this.
No one can be a caregiver for someone 24/7 and NOT get angry at some point.
I am sure you have had arguments with friends and other family members and those are people that you are not with 24/7.
It is how you recognize that you are getting to the breaking point.
It is what you do when you get to that point.
It is how you cope and deal with it.
You learn to
Walk away (as long as it is safe to do so)
Let it go. (difficult to do)
Get help. Lots of options here. there are Volunteer groups in some areas that will come in and stay with the person you are caring for so you can get a break. If the person you are caring for can be left alone you SCHEDULE a day each week where you are "off duty" could be a whole day or 6 or 7 hours. That break can make a big difference. If there is a Senior Center drop your grandma off for some activities she gets a break and is active and you get a break. Or use grandma's assets to hire a caregiver that will come a few hours a few days a week.