Completely OT - How to deal with close friends/family member's significant others butting in?
I assume that most of us have relationships with people in couples where our relationship is mainly or exclusively with one of them. How do you feel when the third party (sig other) seems to encroach on the relationship with your main friend? Is there any way to draw a boundary there, and is it okay to do so?
I'll give two examples. My mother's younger brother (my only uncle) spent quite a bit of time with me when my older sister died and when my mother was sick. I became his main connection to the family and facilitator of his visits, etc. When I called him to tell him my mother had died, his wife got on the phone and insisted on inserting her views, experiences etc. into what for me was a very private conversation with my uncle. I was surprised and not pleased, but I had no idea how to deal with it.
The most recent was when I was having a skype call with a friend from out of town whom I've become quite close to over the last year. We were deep in a typical (for us) conversation about our family relationships and how they affect us, and my friend's partner came in and sat down to join the conversation. I immediately felt awkward and moved the subject to something less personal at the first opportunity.
I realize I have an agenda when I disclose private information to particular individuals. It's not to get advice or even to compare experiences necessarily. It's to nurture the particular relationship, to build intimacy and trust. No matter how magnificent a third person's insights may be, I'm not interested in them. I'm interested in placing certain information in the space between me and my friend, and that is it.
Anyone experience this kind of thing, and have any thoughts/reactions?
But most partnerships or marriages share details of those friendships which are outside the marriage with their significant other.
Often the 3rd party feels very much part of the “group” as they have heard so much about the topic from their spouse/partner.
I think it is up to your friend (uncle) to manage if he wants to.
If I were uncomfortable, I would just stop talking when the other person comes on the phone or change the convo all together. “oh, hello, auntie, how are you? I hope you are having a good day. I’m sorry if I interrupted your day there with uncle. Well, I will say goodbye for now, is uncle still there?” When he comes back to the phone you can tell him how much you appreciate his input but you will let him go for now. Hopefully he will begin to get the message.
That’s basically what you are already doing but if they aren’t “getting it” then you may have to speak more directly.
Realize that if you are on the phone, you are secondary to being in person. You might learn over time when the spouse is routinely away as in when they go to the salon or walking the dog, etc.
You could set the stage by asking uncle at the beginning of the call if he is alone, that you don’t want to interrupt any plans and that you would like a private convo with him and ask if now is a good time.
If he says “oh it’s just auntie here with me” then you will know she will most likely be listening in.
Good insights and advice.
I understand the controlling part, but what man wants to sit with a bunch of woman.
I do have a friend who brings her DH occasionally. But, he went to school with us and he is legally blind. It gets him out of the house. We say whatever we want.
Although your relationship is only with your uncle, not your aunt, his primary relationship is with his wife. He may have handed her the phone or asked he to join in as he needed support as he had just learned his sister had died. She was physically there to provide it. She may have been caught off guard and had to quickly think of what to say and rambled on about her own experiences with the death of a close family member.
I use speaker phone, as I am getting to be hard of hearing. I live alone and family and friends know I use a speaker phone. However if someone calls when I am driving, don't worry I have hands free, I always immediately tell them if there is someone in the car with me. I am the confidante of two people going through very challenging situations and I am very mindful of where I am and who is around if I am speaking with them on the phone.
Do you have any relationships where you are friends with both people in a couple? I know that anything I say to one member of a couple likely will be shared with the other. I never ask a spouse to keep a secret from their partner.
And it depends on the third person's personality and inclinations, which sometimes are helpful and at other times, meddling and controlling.
Whether it's that some people feel an innate need to be involved and offer advice, or hopefully to just be sympathetic and helpful, it seems as though people become involved by segueing into conversations that weren't intended to be trilateral.
I've tended to either divert the conversation with comments to the effect that the advice is good, I'll think about it, and perhaps discuss it later. That ends the unwanted party's involvement tactfully and w/o rancor, and avoids having to address the unwanted comments. Then I'll later contact my friend and ask if third party is out of range, and/or when's a good time for us to continue the discussion, alone, w/o intervention.
Perhaps the best way to avoid this is go meet someplace away from home, and avoid phone conversations, although I prefer not to do that b/c it requires both of us to get out and go somewhere, away from the comfort of our homes and costs money for either food or gas (thinking of energy conversation here).
I think a corollary of this third party involvement is when either party 2 or 3 make totally inappropriate observations and suggestions. Then I just change the topic and don't raise the issue with them again.
Even though others have gone through deaths, illness and parent care, every situation is different, as are each of the parties, and what worked for them may not work for someone else. Yet they feel it will and don't hesitate to push their own ideas. That's when I just cut them off. Some suggestions are just not realistic.
Not sure how I would handle your problem. It's actually rude of the person who in interjecting themselves into the conversation.