Hi everyone, new to forum 😀how do you handle the constant complaints??? My 83 yo mother has always had victim syndrome, but now as her Parkinson’s disease progresses (16 years) and everything is much more difficult it is so much worse? I try to set some boundaries as much as possible, but it’s exhausting. I try to distract, but her anxiety and ocd keeps her in this loop. Here is what I do all day besides her care: prayer, refocus, distract. I even ignore most of the time, but inside my head I don’t want to hear it. She’s got nothing positive to say. She was kind of negative before the decline, but now so much worse. Very weepy, cranky, dramatic. I try to stay calm, hopeful and refocus on positives and gratitude. Walk away at tines, She listens, but an hour later back at it. I just got some temporary help, but not permanent during weekdays. I love it, Any tips appreciated.
You are negating all she thinks and feels and I cannot imagine her frustration in this.
You are acting as though prayer and distraction is going to change the fact that her life has now descended into a torturous crucible of misery, pain and loss.
Hopeful? Positive? Hopeful for WHAT? Because her only deliverance now comes from death. Positive about WHAT? The fact that she has lost everything and there's no upside coming but death?
I have twice in my life had cancer. Once about 38 years ago and once about 10 months ago. And when you are victimized by becoming ill you have this merry little band who comes around with "thoughts and prayers and a "positive attitude". If there is one thing WORSE than the cancer that merry little band is it. Even doctors partake in this. Once a doc said "So how are you doing" and I replied with a giggle "Pretty good, SO FAR" and he said "Don't you ever let those negative thoughts creep in; you have to stay positive". And I told him that I have cancer and am doing my best, and that I will THINK AND SAY WHATEVER I WANT".
I am sorry to be so rough with you but
PLEASE. Can you just take her hand and listen to her losses and tell her your are sorry, you grieve for her?
PLEASE. Can you not just tell her you HEAR HER and ask her what you can do for her?
Some day sooner than you want it there is going to come the time of loss upon loss for you. I am 82. I guarantee it. It came in the blink of an eye. And you are going to want to share your pain with some kind soul. And god forbid that person try to jolly you out of it. You will be VERY angry.
I would seek help for yourself in dealing with what your mom is currently going through, and what you are sadly standing witness to. You cannot shove this stuff under a carpet big enough to hide it.
I wish you the very best, I truly do, and my heart goes out to your mom.
No matter how rough life is, chronic complaining wears thin in very short order, especially if you live together. Some elders have the character to deal with whatever life throws at them and appreciate every day nevertheless. Others feel victimized since the day they were born, and every day is the end of the world. Happiness is a choice regardless of circumstance, and your mom has chosen misery. That's too bad for YOU, in reality. I'd use her money to hire help daily so your exposure to her is reduced. No, you're not going to change her or her outlook on life, but the meds could help a lot, as they did with my mother, the queen of misery. She was miserable when times were good and even more miserable when she got old and sickly. It was exhausting to be in her presence. So I limited my time with her for that reason. I suggest you do the same.
Good luck to you.
Currently, trying to setup more respite!!
As well as practice compassion for how she feels physically and mentally. Do you pray with her? Does that bring her comfort? Some folks like my dad are simply hardwired to be negative. And he is currently healthy!! Some days I just say over and over "hmmm that's too bad, yeah that sucks, oh yeah ok dad". Since he started caregiving for mom it's amplified.
My mom who has a lot more reasons to be miserable sees a psych nurse practitioner who has helped redirect anxiety somewhat with cbt. But I am generally greeted everyday with whatever ailment is bothering her (my dad's daily briefing for me).
Myself I pretend I have a shield around me or wonder woman bracelets to deflect the negative energy. It's hard. Meditation and Journaling help as, well as, seeing your own therapist who can validate YOU! Some days are easier than others.
When you live with chronic discomfort, pain, or any other issue it's going to be hard to be positive. Personality plays a large role in this. Some people are the stoics who you never hear from and others will tell you a million times over what's wrong.
My situation is different, but my husband with dementia yells out a lot - for hours at a time! I get so frustrated and stressed!
I have two tips - 1) Get away for a while. Even if it's just outside. Or go for a walk, or go out for a coffee or to talk with a neighbor. When I feel I am at my wit's end, I will google how to handle the situation, and find some behavioral specialist explain the reasoning behind the behavior and ways a professional might handle it. Somehow, this helps me get a more patient perspective, which then helps me to keep a calmer attitude.
2) Medication! Talk to the doctor about possible medications which may help to calm her. You may have to try more than one. I have tried many for my husband over the years before settling on the drug combination that works for him.
I steered away from habit-forming (addictive) meds, because over the long term, the user will start to get agitated when they need their medication, and will require more dosage to keep them at the same level, and at some point, will reach the maximum safe dose, with no benefit. Just something you want to be aware of.
And some people become more agitated by medications that are supposed to induce calm. My husband is one such person, so we tried a lot of medications which were not helpful!
Ok, I just thought of a 3rd tip: Keep a journal to track what happens throughout the day. Note the time of everything: waking time, food, drinks, bathroom habits, visitors, and make a note of her behavior or reaction to various stimulation.
Even better, if she is able to, let her write her own journal entries - perhaps allow for a little self-reflection :)
You can go back and look for patterns. What sets her off in a good or bad mood? If you try a medication, note the effects. If she has dementia, a consistent routine is key! The same thing at the same time every day, so she can anticipate what to expect will happen next.
My husband can get so agitated by the smallest disruption in routine - even a good thing, like an unexpected visit from a friend, can throw him off!
Find some time for yourself, and I'll be thinking of you!
I have definitely started to keep track and log everything as she is taking psychotic meds and it seems to agitate her even more. Cons and pros for sure
Glad you found a good mix of meds. It’s such a challenge!!
I totally get it. My 91 yr old mother in law has advanced dementia. She was the sweetest most gracious woman I have ever met. Her dementia changed all that. She very rarely sees anything as positive. She can take a simple statement like “Your Great Granddaughter just took her first steps it’s so exciting !” and respond with “are they watching her closely to make sure she doesn’t get hurt?” Or “Mom, your Grandson. Is flying in from Seattle”…. Her answer..”Oh Mercy that’s so dangerous. I hope the plane makes it.” 🙄🙄🙄🙄
Things have gotten so challenging. I have sought the help is a Psychologist. I have been diagnosed with Caregiver Burnout. The therapy has helped me A Lot. We have been caring for Mom for 9 years and have watched the dementia destroy her mind and the person she used to be. Her cruel remarks and hateful treatment , mainly to me, have taken their toll. Just remember, this has nothing to do with you. This is her and her now worsening view on the world. I don’t know if you are a person of Faith, but I read the Bible every night. On really bad, days, I find passages dealing with anger, frustration, patience, kindness or forgiveness. If you Read the Torah, (I read that as well). Lots to find there too. It’s the same as the Old Testament. Or if you read the Quran, whatever your faith. Turn to it.
I wish you all the best
Many Blessings and prayers for you coming your way
I do love to Read Scripture to give me the hope, courage and resilience.
The last couple of days have been better. It seems the psychotic meds are really rough, but the dosage is being lowered.
I currently have a spiritual advisor but thinking it can’t hurt to add more support.
It could help anxiety, weepiness, crankiness etc.
Thank you !
sorry to hear about this situation.
Alva's advice, as per usual, is very enlightening.
I have found that, there is no easy solution for this type of scenario. Perhaps others have had dramatic response with medication. I suppose depending on the scenario antidepressants or anxiety meds could help a bit to reverse that. But as you mention, she was negative even before her dementia and decline, so that seems to be ingrained in how she has always been, correct? . Has anxiety and OCD always been there to a degree ? My dad is like that, and while he's only one example, I have found that medication, even if he did agree to take it for a while , did not make that much difference in what becomes a very ingrained pattern of negativity.
So, I think what Alva is saying may be the most actionable thing. Your mom is negative, has always been negative, and has reasons to be negative. All you can do is try to change your own frame of mind towards it. At the same time, you are human and its hard to just solve all frustrations and be immune to the negativity. So that is where consistent boundaries come in, and trying to get as much free time to yourself as you can. Caregiving is a full time job and then some. Just like any super stressful job, breaks are needed. And this is way more stressful than "just a job", its working with your parent who is declining and inevitably one day will die. It is one of the most stressful things a person can go through.
In spite of your Mom's awful journey with Parkinsons, she is living with and being cared for by her loving, supportive and helpful daughter. She's not lonely or forgotten. She gets fed good food, clothed, bathed, protected. Does she know how many elders don't have that?? Maybe this fact won't have any impact on her outlook, but it should on you. Perspective is everything.
There are people who are Debbie Downers. Dementia will worsen this.