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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
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III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
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V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
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An aide in a SNF suggested to respond to this with “tell me about your home.” Because the problem is the person feels confused, ill at ease, and out of place. They are likely remembering or hoping to get to something more like how they felt in their childhood home or some aspect of it, when things were calm and happy and familiar.
I've been caring for my 63 yr old husband for 10 years, after he suffered a massive stroke which caused traumatic brain injury, and a form of dementia. My aunt, who has worked as a hospice caregiver for over 30 years told me "They all want to go home". Home is a place of comfort for us all. What exactly it means, though, is not as clear. You probably will get nowhere pointing out to him that he is "home", or if he is in a care facility, that he can't go home. With dementia, the best course of action is to Re-Direct. Listen, don't argue, and ask what the person is thinking of, or what they miss. Try and engage in deeper conversation, if they are able. For my husband, "home" is his bed. For some, it may be a memory of their childhood home. If you do find yourself having to correct them, or disagree, I find it is best to frame your answer as a positive rather than a negative. For instance, instead of saying, "No, You can't go home." Try, "Tell me about your home." Or, "You are here until,....." Doctor's orders or rehabilitation, whatever it might be. My husband will ask me to get him up. Instead of saying No, I say, "Yes, we will get you up later" Or "in a bit", Or "when it is daylight". I try and find a positive way of telling him it's not going to happen now. Then, see if you can find another topic to shift their focus to. It could be as simple as offering a treat, or changing the channel on the TV, or bringing up another topic of interest to them.
Your experience is exactly what I have experienced. Now my mom is nonverbal but sometimes I feel like she looks at me with the eyes that she wants to go home. It’s probably me overthinking
My mom wants to go home. She is in memory care and I believe she still means her home where she lived with my dad until dementia took everything from her. She has started using a wheelchair recently so I tell her she can go home after she gets some physical therapy and back on her feet because the wheelchair is too wide for her doors at home. She agrees she needs to work on that and it is over...for 3-5 minutes.
I'm very sorry this is happening to you. For me, it got easier over time but it is never not on my mind.
There is something called "therapeutic lies" where you tell them what they need to hear to calm down. I prefer to use what I call "strategic truth", where I don't lie, but I don't address things directly. For example. The truth is that the wheelchair is too wide for her doors at home and if she was to get up and start walking, I would deal with that then with some other reason. I never tell her she is not going home or that she hasn't been home for over 2 years. She thinks she was just there and must spend a night or two in the 'hospital' she is in. I always just say, it'll be a day or two. I have a much easier time with her caregiving than many people do, she is usually pretty pleasant...for now.
My sister Carol had early onset Alzheimers and would tell us she wanted to go home while sitting in her own living room. It occurred to my husband to ask her what it would be like. She replied that her mom and dad and I would all be there. That could then easily lead to conversation about good times shared in that place and with our parents
Distracting him with a physical activity (like playing a card or board game, and it doesn't matter if he follows the rules); sorting & pairing a laundry basket of colorful socks (bought just for this purpose) or folding a stack of kitchen towels; asking him to read aloud to you from a book with pictures (my Aunt had a bird book that she loved).
Start putting daylight-brightness lights on in the areas where he is sitting early in the day to prevent shadows and dusk in the house (main room, hallway, bathroom, kitchen).
Going outside for a brief walk.
Talking to his primary doctor about meds for anxiety (very common need among elders with dementia).
I'm so sorry your family has to deal with dementia. May you all receive peace in your hearts.
Wanting to “go home” is usually a request for a feeling of comfort or familiar environment. The key is to try to uncover what discomfort they are experiencing. Then try to meet the need and redirect.
My 97 year old Mom - no dementia - said the same thing to me. I replied with a perky and confident "You are home, Mom!" She died within a few days. I often feel that she knew she was dying and I missed an opportunity to have some meaningful last words with her before she flew up to heaven.
@sandrabilly, please don't feel guilty. Unless you've experienced a loved one transition before, you had no way of knowing. You were with her even without the conversation, so that's most important. I'm so sorry for your loss. Your dear mum is at Home now and we can rejoice in knowing we'll see our loved ones again!
I’ve heard this a lot from families — it’s actually very common with dementia. Often when a loved one says “I want to go home,” they aren’t talking about the house they live in now, but a place of safety, comfort, or even their childhood home. It’s not about geography as much as the feeling of being secure.
Sometimes gentle reassurance helps — sitting with him, holding his hand, saying something like “You’re safe here, we’re together” can ease the anxiety. Others have found redirecting helps, like offering tea, looking at photos, or going for a little walk around the house and then “arriving back home” together.
It’s so hard on the heart, but you’re not alone — many caregivers have faced the same words and feelings. You’re doing your best in a very tough situation.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
To my own warm bed
Why am I here?
No-one has said
I need to go home
Where people care
I don't know the address
But they loved me there
I must go home
I must leave this place
I want a hug & a touch
From a friendly face
(I wrote that a while ago, just for people in the soup of all this like me 🤗)
My aunt, who has worked as a hospice caregiver for over 30 years told me
"They all want to go home".
Home is a place of comfort for us all. What exactly it means, though, is not as clear.
You probably will get nowhere pointing out to him that he is "home", or if he is in a care facility, that he can't go home.
With dementia, the best course of action is to Re-Direct. Listen, don't argue, and ask what the person is thinking of, or what they miss. Try and engage in deeper conversation, if they are able. For my husband, "home" is his bed. For some, it may be a memory of their childhood home.
If you do find yourself having to correct them, or disagree, I find it is best to frame your answer as a positive rather than a negative.
For instance, instead of saying, "No, You can't go home." Try, "Tell me about your home." Or, "You are here until,....." Doctor's orders or rehabilitation, whatever it might be.
My husband will ask me to get him up. Instead of saying No, I say, "Yes, we will get you up later" Or "in a bit", Or "when it is daylight". I try and find a positive way of telling him it's not going to happen now.
Then, see if you can find another topic to shift their focus to. It could be as simple as offering a treat, or changing the channel on the TV, or bringing up another topic of interest to them.
I'm very sorry this is happening to you. For me, it got easier over time but it is never not on my mind.
There is something called "therapeutic lies" where you tell them what they need to hear to calm down. I prefer to use what I call "strategic truth", where I don't lie, but I don't address things directly. For example. The truth is that the wheelchair is too wide for her doors at home and if she was to get up and start walking, I would deal with that then with some other reason. I never tell her she is not going home or that she hasn't been home for over 2 years. She thinks she was just there and must spend a night or two in the 'hospital' she is in. I always just say, it'll be a day or two. I have a much easier time with her caregiving than many people do, she is usually pretty pleasant...for now.
Or, you could play along and ask him 'what do want to do when you get there?'
That could then easily lead to conversation about good times shared in that place and with our parents
Things you can do to lessen it:
Distracting him with a physical activity (like playing a card or board game, and it doesn't matter if he follows the rules); sorting & pairing a laundry basket of colorful socks (bought just for this purpose) or folding a stack of kitchen towels; asking him to read aloud to you from a book with pictures (my Aunt had a bird book that she loved).
Start putting daylight-brightness lights on in the areas where he is sitting early in the day to prevent shadows and dusk in the house (main room, hallway, bathroom, kitchen).
Going outside for a brief walk.
Talking to his primary doctor about meds for anxiety (very common need among elders with dementia).
I'm so sorry your family has to deal with dementia. May you all receive peace in your hearts.
Sometimes gentle reassurance helps — sitting with him, holding his hand, saying something like “You’re safe here, we’re together” can ease the anxiety. Others have found redirecting helps, like offering tea, looking at photos, or going for a little walk around the house and then “arriving back home” together.
It’s so hard on the heart, but you’re not alone — many caregivers have faced the same words and feelings. You’re doing your best in a very tough situation.
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