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VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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This is such a heartbreaking part of the disease. I haven’t dealt with this myself but on this forum it’s been pointed out that the person is most likely thinking of their childhood home, and it’s been suggested to offer a low-key excuse about why they’re not at “home” yet (have to do this or that, waiting for someone, etc.).
Also, uneasiness starting in the late afternoon can be a part of “sundown syndrome.” There are things that can be done to address it. Here is a link with some info:
An aide in a SNF suggested to respond to this with “tell me about your home.” Because the problem is the person feels confused, ill at ease, and out of place. They are likely remembering or hoping to get to something more like how they felt in their childhood home or some aspect of it, when things were calm and happy and familiar.
Distracting him with a physical activity (like playing a card or board game, and it doesn't matter if he follows the rules); sorting & pairing a laundry basket of colorful socks (bought just for this purpose) or folding a stack of kitchen towels; asking him to read aloud to you from a book with pictures (my Aunt had a bird book that she loved).
Start putting daylight-brightness lights on in the areas where he is sitting early in the day to prevent shadows and dusk in the house (main room, hallway, bathroom, kitchen).
Going outside for a brief walk.
Talking to his primary doctor about meds for anxiety (very common need among elders with dementia).
I'm so sorry your family has to deal with dementia. May you all receive peace in your hearts.
This is the face of dementia, and I am certain that this litany of "wanting to go home" is not the only thing dad is saying that no longer makes any sense. You handle all these things as you would anything else repetitive and nonsensical. You could respond "You are home now Dad; this is where we live. What home are YOU remembering". Surprisingly you may get an answer! "I am remembering our home in Ohio when we had the farm" or somesuch. Or you may get "No, this isn't home".
As I said, the is the face of dementia. It cannot be understood; it can only be endured. I suggest watching a whole lot of Teepa Snow's videos about conversing with dementia, and would read a lot of Oliver Sack's book; sacks, a neurobiologist, was utterly fascinated with minds deset, and functioning "abnormally".
This is part of "sundowning" "Home" can be anything. It can be back at a time when he felt safe. Home = safe for many of us. It can mean a time when he felt "well and whole" Reassure him that he is safe. Give him something to do to occupy some time. If it is around dinner time give him a task, set the table, put glasses out, stir the soup anything to redirect his focus. Adjust the lighting so that it is brighter. Close blinds or drapes so that he does not see reflections.
My mom wants to go home. She is in memory care and I believe she still means her home where she lived with my dad until dementia took everything from her. She has started using a wheelchair recently so I tell her she can go home after she gets some physical therapy and back on her feet because the wheelchair is too wide for her doors at home. She agrees she needs to work on that and it is over...for 3-5 minutes.
I'm very sorry this is happening to you. For me, it got easier over time but it is never not on my mind.
There is something called "therapeutic lies" where you tell them what they need to hear to calm down. I prefer to use what I call "strategic truth", where I don't lie, but I don't address things directly. For example. The truth is that the wheelchair is too wide for her doors at home and if she was to get up and start walking, I would deal with that then with some other reason. I never tell her she is not going home or that she hasn't been home for over 2 years. She thinks she was just there and must spend a night or two in the 'hospital' she is in. I always just say, it'll be a day or two. I have a much easier time with her caregiving than many people do, she is usually pretty pleasant...for now.
I've been caring for my 63 yr old husband for 10 years, after he suffered a massive stroke which caused traumatic brain injury, and a form of dementia. My aunt, who has worked as a hospice caregiver for over 30 years told me "They all want to go home". Home is a place of comfort for us all. What exactly it means, though, is not as clear. You probably will get nowhere pointing out to him that he is "home", or if he is in a care facility, that he can't go home. With dementia, the best course of action is to Re-Direct. Listen, don't argue, and ask what the person is thinking of, or what they miss. Try and engage in deeper conversation, if they are able. For my husband, "home" is his bed. For some, it may be a memory of their childhood home. If you do find yourself having to correct them, or disagree, I find it is best to frame your answer as a positive rather than a negative. For instance, instead of saying, "No, You can't go home." Try, "Tell me about your home." Or, "You are here until,....." Doctor's orders or rehabilitation, whatever it might be. My husband will ask me to get him up. Instead of saying No, I say, "Yes, we will get you up later" Or "in a bit", Or "when it is daylight". I try and find a positive way of telling him it's not going to happen now. Then, see if you can find another topic to shift their focus to. It could be as simple as offering a treat, or changing the channel on the TV, or bringing up another topic of interest to them.
Your experience is exactly what I have experienced. Now my mom is nonverbal but sometimes I feel like she looks at me with the eyes that she wants to go home. It’s probably me overthinking
I live with this as I am caregiver for my MIL who lives with my husband and myself. Home is where her memory ends…ours is about 8 years old and home is the farm where she grew up. Every time (which is often) we kindly say, Bill and me and you all live together and we are home. Then you offer her a cookie and milk. Distract, pretend you don’t hear, or start a conversation like, “tell me how you rode that horse to school.” In her mind she is not in her home, her parents are not there, nor are her siblings. Our mother still asks if the toilet is outside….almost every time she has to go. Her mind remembers nothing after about one minute but it still recalls her very young years. Has she ask if her mother or dad have come yet? We just say not today and again, move her attention to something else. Sometimes she says her sisters are coming for dinner. It never really ends. Just make her feel safe and loved.
My mom with mid level Alzheimer’s lives with me and has for 9 years and also says she wants to go home just about every evening. Most of the time home is the house where she raised me. I think what she is really missing is my dad and the memories in that house. When she says it I try to, in a very light hearted way, say this is where we live. Our garden is out back and she picked out the green color for her bedroom. Then move on. Many times that works but sometimes she gets very angry saying it’s not her real home. When she’s angry I usually don’t say anything else but keep reminding myself that this mood will pass. It is heartbreaking. This disease is awful.
My husband and I kept my FIL with advanced Alzheimer’s. When he said he wanted to go home, we would answer things like, «We’ll do that a bit later, but for now let’s…», or «When your son gets home from work, we’ll ask him to bring you home, but for now…». This distraction worked 100% of the time, and within a few minutes he had totally forgotten he wanted to go home. At first I struggled with «lying» to him, but after a while I realized that it was better for all of us to just go with the flow, and not try to correct or contradict him.
Wanting to “go home” is usually a request for a feeling of comfort or familiar environment. The key is to try to uncover what discomfort they are experiencing. Then try to meet the need and redirect.
I would take my mom for a ride then when we pulled back she would realize that she was home. This was one of the hardest things when it was late at night and i would try to distract her.
Whenever my father said he wanted to go home even though he was in his own living room in Pennsylvania, I soon realized he was talking about his childhood home in South Carolina. This is common for someone with dementia. They have long term memory and often refer to childhood things. My husband, who also had dementia, thought his children were 10 or 11 years old, when in fact they were in their 40’s with kids of their own.
So touching. Having to answer that going home question is so haunting to me. I dealt with it for several years with my wife, who did go "home" last Christmas Eve...
He wants to go to the home he remembers he grew up in. If you have old photos and will talk about his growing up and his family that might help. Also, tey to get him involved in some type of activity before his sundowning starts and he may get past that. Foe women it's usually folding laundry, you might get him stacking things. Just be careful nothing turns into a weapon.
I have dealt with this question many times the last two years. In the past, I have said cheerfully, "this is your home now," but have found that doesn't really help. Recently, when Mom said I want to go home as soon as I arrived, I replied instead, "then let's go into your room and look at the beautiful view out your window at the birdfeeders, and talk about it." She immediately agreed. (She has to stay out in the common area during the day because she is a fall-risk but can go into her private room if someone is with her.) My husband keeps her birdfeeders filled up and she loves watching them. She forgot all about going home and felt secure surrounded by familiar photos and items in her room and watching the birds and the sky.
My 97 year old Mom - no dementia - said the same thing to me. I replied with a perky and confident "You are home, Mom!" She died within a few days. I often feel that she knew she was dying and I missed an opportunity to have some meaningful last words with her before she flew up to heaven.
@sandrabilly, please don't feel guilty. Unless you've experienced a loved one transition before, you had no way of knowing. You were with her even without the conversation, so that's most important. I'm so sorry for your loss. Your dear mum is at Home now and we can rejoice in knowing we'll see our loved ones again!
My sister Carol had early onset Alzheimers and would tell us she wanted to go home while sitting in her own living room. It occurred to my husband to ask her what it would be like. She replied that her mom and dad and I would all be there. That could then easily lead to conversation about good times shared in that place and with our parents
I’ve heard this a lot from families — it’s actually very common with dementia. Often when a loved one says “I want to go home,” they aren’t talking about the house they live in now, but a place of safety, comfort, or even their childhood home. It’s not about geography as much as the feeling of being secure.
Sometimes gentle reassurance helps — sitting with him, holding his hand, saying something like “You’re safe here, we’re together” can ease the anxiety. Others have found redirecting helps, like offering tea, looking at photos, or going for a little walk around the house and then “arriving back home” together.
It’s so hard on the heart, but you’re not alone — many caregivers have faced the same words and feelings. You’re doing your best in a very tough situation.
You never want to tell them that they home, as it can lead to agitation and combativeness, along with confusion. You might try walking into a different part of the house and point out different objects, pictures, or paintings that you can talk about.
Home is often a childhood home, but spouses cannot duplicate that and parents are long gone. (When my DH starts this it will mean on another continent.) I suggest going through old pictures of his home and family from childhood. Try to organize what you can into an album. Notate it with names and dates if you can. Get other family members to help. If they insist on physically going there, say that someone else bought that (home/apartment) and took it down, or that part of town was rebuilt, or some other reason why it is no longer there. It may make him sad but it is probably true and definitely more manageable than most other responses.
I feel immense compassion for you, being broken hearted. I can only imagine how this must feel to you and I give you a hug.
Dementia is cruel to all involved.
How to respond? I would say, 'we're getting your room ready. It was just painted." Or something like that. You 'go along' with what his mind is telling him. You do not speak or respond with logic (i.e., you are home ... this only hurts and confuses him / his changing brain more).
You learn moment by moment to 'be' with him where he is. Then you look in his eyes and tell him you love him. Then redirect his attention.
You could ask him what he likes / loves about his home. Get into his head / his fantasy. He feels safe at 'home' so explore this with him, if he's up to it. He may 'just' be feeling anxious and want to move - go out - see something different. Perhaps take him out for a walk.
I read something in Rosalyn Carter's Guide for Caregivers. It read " Your loved one is not trying to give you a hard time. They are having a hard time". It's part of a behavior called sundowning. It happens late in the afternoon around 4pm-6pm. My sister used to say the same thing when she was first diagnosed with Alzheimers. It's heartbreaking. It helps if you can redirect the conversation. There isn't one answer that will work. You can try saying things like " OK, we'll go soon" or " I need to take care of something before we go. Give me a minute". I tried different responses and even agreed to go with her right away. Our house is on the corner of two major streets. I would follow her out the front door and she would simply walk around the corner to the back door and say "I'm home". She might repeat that two or three times. Then I might say "it's time to eat" and ask what she wanted to eat to help divert her attention. I remember a few times telling her that she was already home, asking her to look at things that belonged to her. I would walk from room to room with her as I touched things. Sometimes she would be able to recognize her belongings and calm down. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't. Never respond by saying no. Never become confrontational. That was five years ago. Her symptoms have changed. She is no longer mentions going home. It's not easy to come up with an answer when you are emotinally affected. You must become creative with your responses. As your loved one's habits continue to change, you will have to adapt to things without preparation. You won't know until there's a shift in their behavior. How unfair is that? Extremely, but that's life. I'm now into year five of behavioral changes. The more information you read the better. It will feel like you're on a roller-coaster, so strap in, buckle up and get ready for the ride.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
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I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
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You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Also, uneasiness starting in the late afternoon can be a part of “sundown syndrome.” There are things that can be done to address it. Here is a link with some info:
https://www.aarp.org/caregiving/medical/ways-to-manage-sundown-syndrome/
Hopefully others who have been through this personally will chime in with good advice for you.
All the best to you and your family.
To my own warm bed
Why am I here?
No-one has said
I need to go home
Where people care
I don't know the address
But they loved me there
I must go home
I must leave this place
I want a hug & a touch
From a friendly face
(I wrote that a while ago, just for people in the soup of all this like me 🤗)
Or, you could play along and ask him 'what do want to do when you get there?'
Things you can do to lessen it:
Distracting him with a physical activity (like playing a card or board game, and it doesn't matter if he follows the rules); sorting & pairing a laundry basket of colorful socks (bought just for this purpose) or folding a stack of kitchen towels; asking him to read aloud to you from a book with pictures (my Aunt had a bird book that she loved).
Start putting daylight-brightness lights on in the areas where he is sitting early in the day to prevent shadows and dusk in the house (main room, hallway, bathroom, kitchen).
Going outside for a brief walk.
Talking to his primary doctor about meds for anxiety (very common need among elders with dementia).
I'm so sorry your family has to deal with dementia. May you all receive peace in your hearts.
As I said, the is the face of dementia. It cannot be understood; it can only be endured. I suggest watching a whole lot of Teepa Snow's videos about conversing with dementia, and would read a lot of Oliver Sack's book; sacks, a neurobiologist, was utterly fascinated with minds deset, and functioning "abnormally".
"Home" can be anything.
It can be back at a time when he felt safe. Home = safe for many of us.
It can mean a time when he felt "well and whole"
Reassure him that he is safe.
Give him something to do to occupy some time. If it is around dinner time give him a task, set the table, put glasses out, stir the soup anything to redirect his focus.
Adjust the lighting so that it is brighter.
Close blinds or drapes so that he does not see reflections.
I'm very sorry this is happening to you. For me, it got easier over time but it is never not on my mind.
There is something called "therapeutic lies" where you tell them what they need to hear to calm down. I prefer to use what I call "strategic truth", where I don't lie, but I don't address things directly. For example. The truth is that the wheelchair is too wide for her doors at home and if she was to get up and start walking, I would deal with that then with some other reason. I never tell her she is not going home or that she hasn't been home for over 2 years. She thinks she was just there and must spend a night or two in the 'hospital' she is in. I always just say, it'll be a day or two. I have a much easier time with her caregiving than many people do, she is usually pretty pleasant...for now.
My aunt, who has worked as a hospice caregiver for over 30 years told me
"They all want to go home".
Home is a place of comfort for us all. What exactly it means, though, is not as clear.
You probably will get nowhere pointing out to him that he is "home", or if he is in a care facility, that he can't go home.
With dementia, the best course of action is to Re-Direct. Listen, don't argue, and ask what the person is thinking of, or what they miss. Try and engage in deeper conversation, if they are able. For my husband, "home" is his bed. For some, it may be a memory of their childhood home.
If you do find yourself having to correct them, or disagree, I find it is best to frame your answer as a positive rather than a negative.
For instance, instead of saying, "No, You can't go home." Try, "Tell me about your home." Or, "You are here until,....." Doctor's orders or rehabilitation, whatever it might be.
My husband will ask me to get him up. Instead of saying No, I say, "Yes, we will get you up later" Or "in a bit", Or "when it is daylight". I try and find a positive way of telling him it's not going to happen now.
Then, see if you can find another topic to shift their focus to. It could be as simple as offering a treat, or changing the channel on the TV, or bringing up another topic of interest to them.
At first I struggled with «lying» to him, but after a while I realized that it was better for all of us to just go with the flow, and not try to correct or contradict him.
That could then easily lead to conversation about good times shared in that place and with our parents
Sometimes gentle reassurance helps — sitting with him, holding his hand, saying something like “You’re safe here, we’re together” can ease the anxiety. Others have found redirecting helps, like offering tea, looking at photos, or going for a little walk around the house and then “arriving back home” together.
It’s so hard on the heart, but you’re not alone — many caregivers have faced the same words and feelings. You’re doing your best in a very tough situation.
Dementia is cruel to all involved.
How to respond? I would say, 'we're getting your room ready. It was just painted." Or something like that. You 'go along' with what his mind is telling him. You do not speak or respond with logic (i.e., you are home ... this only hurts and confuses him / his changing brain more).
You learn moment by moment to 'be' with him where he is.
Then you look in his eyes and tell him you love him.
Then redirect his attention.
You could ask him what he likes / loves about his home.
Get into his head / his fantasy. He feels safe at 'home' so explore this with him, if he's up to it. He may 'just' be feeling anxious and want to move - go out - see something different. Perhaps take him out for a walk.
Gena / Touch Matters
It's part of a behavior called sundowning. It happens late in the afternoon around 4pm-6pm.
My sister used to say the same thing when she was first diagnosed with Alzheimers. It's heartbreaking. It helps if you can redirect the conversation. There isn't one answer that will work. You can try saying things like " OK, we'll go soon" or " I need to take care of something before we go. Give me a minute". I tried different responses and even agreed to go with her right away. Our house is on the corner of two major streets. I would follow her out the front door and she would simply walk around the corner to the back door and say "I'm home". She might repeat that two or three times. Then I might say "it's time to eat" and ask what she wanted to eat to help divert her attention. I remember a few times telling her that she was already home, asking her to look at things that belonged to her. I would walk from room to room with her as I touched things. Sometimes she would be able to recognize her belongings and calm down. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't. Never respond by saying no. Never become confrontational. That was five years ago. Her symptoms have changed. She is no longer mentions going home.
It's not easy to come up with an answer when you are emotinally affected. You must become creative with your responses. As your loved one's habits continue to change, you will have to adapt to things without preparation. You won't know until there's a shift in their behavior. How unfair is that? Extremely, but that's life. I'm now into year five of behavioral changes.
The more information you read the better. It will feel like you're on a roller-coaster, so strap in, buckle up and get ready for the ride.