Dad went into NH for care with pneumonia 2 years ago. Physically well now want to go home now wife doesn't want him there. Help!

Dementia is a terrible disease and it is likely that his wife is right that she cannot care for him at home. Unfortunately it is the primary caretaker who gets the brunt of the dementia patient's anger, which can be fierce and frighteningly out of control and even put the lives of those around the patient in danger.

I am assuming that your father's wife is his medical and financial POA.

In this situation, about the only thing you could do is seek guardianship of your father. This is going to cost around $10,000 but if you are successful in achieving guardianship, you can be reimbursed from your father's estate. Once you become his guardian, then you will have a say as to where he lives, although, likely it won't be in his home with his wife. A lot will depend upon if your father owns his home or if his wife owns the home or if it is jointly owned. If your father is sole owner of the house, then as guardian, it may be possible to have the wife move out. Then the next issue is care for your father. At home care costs roughly twice what facility care costs. So, let's say you manage to bring your father to his home and his wife moves out, you will have to hire in caregivers for him 24x7 or move in with him and provide the care yourself. Remember it is 24 x7 care as dementia patients cannot be left alone at all as they are a danger to themselves and others. So, you won't be able to hold a job if you become your dad's primary caregiver. The other thing to know is that if you move a dementia patient, there is often a decline in mental functioning. Your father is likely not to even recognize his own home and may start demanding you take him "home" which is a place that no longer exists (most likely his childhood home.)

BEFORE you decide to act, there is a free book on the internet called "Understanding the Dementia Experience" by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller. Please google that book, print it out and read it thoroughly so you will understand everything that you will be faced with behaviorally if you decide to try to become your father's guardian. Caregiving for a dementia patient is EXTREMELY difficult. It requires the patience of a saint and the ability to recognize problems and advocate for the patient effectively. My own mother has dementia. I have her being cared for at home because my father is still alive and wants her there with him. He cannot care for her himself because there are times when she is awake 24x7. So we have 2 shifts of caregivers who come in every single day. This costs $19.50 per hour. Then I have a cleaning service and a laundry service for my parents as well as a yard and pool service. My dad had major surgery last summer and has still not recovered as much as he needs to, so I have a private trainer come to the house twice a week to make him exercise. ALL of this is very, very expensive but the ONLY possible way to keep my parents in their home for as long as possible. I do the majority of grocery shopping for my parents and provide items such as adult diapers and other necessities of caregiving. And I have to escort my parents to doctor's appointments, do their taxes and take care of all of their bills.

My mother is now moving into the final stage. In this stage, she is losing her ability to speak and walk. In a short amount of time, she will have to be fed all of her meals by her caregiver as right now she can only manage finger foods. She is doubly incontinent. All dementia patients wind up like this and end up bed bound if they don't die of something else first.

Wife may be being pragmatic and understand she truly cannot care for him, after all she is no spring chicken, or she may be getting payback for a bad marriage or she may be selfish. Whatever her motive it is irrelevant, she cannot be forced to care for him. If she is POA and she /they have assets she is moally obligled to see his is taken care of, by having him in a home, she has met that.

If you want him out of the home your only alternative is to take the responsibility on yourself. You have no legal way to force her to be the caregiver.

If his wife has declared that she can't care for him if he comes home from the NH then he can't be discharged to her. And if she says she can't care for him he shouldn't go back there anyway. Are steps being taken to keep him in the NH? That would be one option. There's a social worker at the NH. Get in touch with him/her (if a social worker isn't involved already) and discuss your dad's options.

Ismiami is totally correct. You cannot and should not interfere with the wife's decision. What looks like a "tad of dementia" on the outside, could be life-threatening, exhausting 24/7 care from the wife side.