Hello all. My dad is 82 years old, in failing health and completely broke. He worked his whole life as a dentist, had his own practice in Manhattan, but was a horrible businessman, did not charge many patients and eventually ran his practice to the ground. Regardless of that, he was an excellent father to me, he helped me through my worst times, and celebrated with me at my best. Watching his health fail and seeing him decline in the past few years has been heartbreaking for me, it is a constant source of worry for me and I often cry myself to sleep at night thinking of where he is at at this time of his life. He lives in an assisted living facility near me, he is on Medicaid, and has literally no money at all. The facility is depressing for him and I wish I could help him. Unfortunately, I am a teacher and struggling as a single mother to raise my daughter and somehow take care of myself, which usually comes as a last priority. I am disappointed in the lack of care he gets at the facility, they do not care about the people, my dad is getting more and more depressed. I feel responsible for helping him improve his quality of life, since they are not doing anything there. But I do not have time or energy because my life is exhausting as it is. I am angry at the place he is in, I want them to bring people in to do programs with the people like yoga, games, cards, music, I want them to give him things to do rather than sit there and stare at the walls. I have reached out and made suggestions to the staff, but they say that the owners will not pay for services for the people. The staff is constantly changing, people are fired all the time, which also makes my dad feel insecure and sad. I want to help him but I don't know how and I am constantly beating myself up. Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated. He is a very bright man and we'll spoken, loves crossword puzzles, music, movies, ect..
You sound so sad and defeated! As Jeanne says, try to put the guilt aside and get some help for what sounds like YOUR depression! Put on your own oxygen mask first!
For me this is an absolutely necessity. If you don't have one I just wonder how many of these bloody places we could close down if we managed the audit system. The owners who take money and don't provide proper care should be in prison - it so incenses me that people who served and probably fought for their country are left to live the end of their lives in abject misery. OK so he didn't make the most of his money but that is still no reason to leave people in this state.
https://www.health.ny.gov/facilities/assisted_living/adopted_regulations/docs/assisted_living_residences_laws_and_regulations.pdf
There is another option. Assisted Living facilities in NC are pretty good. I know this due to the number of people who come down here from up north to get into Assisted Living, Memory Care and Nursing homes. Many are from NY, NJ, PA, etc.
They are also less expensive, though, that wouldn't matter since he is on Medicaid. You would have to apply in NC for Medicaid, but if you are considering a move, you might take a look at what states in the south have to offer. I doubt your dad would consider moving if you didn't move too.
The previous Assisted Living facility that my cousin resided sounds like something he would love.(I had to move her to Memory Care.) It had lots of activities, shopping, outings, movies, games, socials, Church service on the grounds every week, live singers every week, sometimes twice, RN on duty, a Social Director who was eager for ideas of interest to residents, 2 patios, Gazebo, activity room, living room, tv room, wonderful food and a 2 dining rooms.
Everybody's given great suggestions. Here are some tips for implementing them in the nursing home. Places like he is in, things tend to disappear. I wouldn't think that laptop would last long. Sorry to be so cynical.
Get a CD player at a thrift store. Even a cassette player and cassettes from Goodwill.
Get a plastic rolling set of drawers for the art supplies and games you will keep in his room, with each drawer labelled.
A big bulletin board for his room, colorful, for the photos of yourself and him as a younger man, and photos of your child. And a large area on the bulletin board for your messages to staff. There will be caring people there who will be glad that you posted "His snack is Yogurt and it is in the frig with his name on it." and "THANK YOU for giving him his playing cards after dinner" / "He likes a light on at night"/ "Thank YOU for your kind care of my father." "Here's my phone number, call any time"/ because, if there's lots of staff turnover, they need a quick way to get up-to-speed on him.
Give a thank-you card to a different staff person by name, each week, or each time you visit. They know you're noticing.
ALSO -- how about a Vitamin D3 deficiency? He may be low on his D3 and B vitamins.
And finally, I would go to local churches and ask or post a request for them to visit him. Maybe someone would adopt him as their compassionate service. You could make a nice flyer with his photo, and ask for someone to help by visiting him, in between your visits. Stress that he doesn't need "saved." You just want someone to visit him and be pleasant, and communicate with you about it.
You need help, and can't do this all yourself. You sound very tired and sad. I will pray that you find a good reliable volunteer who has a heart to help.
Alternately, you could see if any church would come and have singing programs there on a regular basis. I realize this is time and energy you don't have. But it is an investment n time, to save you energy and anguish going forward.
Bless you. This is a hard road. I was a single mom too. Set one priority at a time. Best Wishes.
One drawer of that rolling cabinet needs to be snacks for him. Depression and cognitive decline can be directly linked to just not eating enough. We thought my uncle had lost his mind forever, but he bounced back to normal after drinking Boost. Little packs of nuts. Granola bars. Sunflower seeds are very nutritious. Cheddar fish crackers. Pudding. A case of Boost. Get him a little refrigerator if you can.
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