Hi, I am new here but I felt the need to search for possible solutions to my situation or, maybe not solutions but people who have experienced such circumstances as I am currently experiencing & I just happened to come across this website and am so glad that I did. My mother is currently on hospice and she suffers from COPD and she smoked cigarettes up and until about a week or so ago and now she is declining in health pretty rapidly. She is also hunch back and she stayed in her recliner until about a month or so ago and then she was moved into a hospital bed. It is just myself and my twin brother here with her and he is constantly upset about everything when it comes to her health and the people who work for the hospice company. I probably should back up and let it be known that he is a manipulative narcissistic sociopath who knows everything, is always right & he has an excuse for everything if and when you take issue with him. Growing up I always knew that both of my brothers could be very judgmental of others and they never held back when it came to criticizing anything for which I did but, it wasn’t until I had been gone for 15 years and after getting out of a relationship I was in I came back to my mothers house(which was a huge mistake) that I realized the depths of his ways and ever since it has been a nightmare for me while trying to keep my sanity, work a full time job and, take care of my mother too but, my twin brother has just become so hard to deal with that it is unreal. I know that he is not ready for what’s coming when our mother passes because she has babied him his entire life and he has hardly worked a day in his life. He’s been a victim for so long that it’s made my mother think that he cannot take up for himself so she has always taken up for him and defended him on everything. It was probably about 10 years ago that my mother, who is a neat freak, attempted to climb up on the toilet in the bathroom so she could dust the top of the valance on the curtains and she fell and broke her leg real bad and had to have 2 surgeries. Afterward she went in the swing bed and I and my brothers made the agreement that seeing as I was working a full time job and my twin brother wasn’t working at all, that he would be tasked with taking care of our mother. So, now that she is rapidly declining and hospice has came in he is just unhappy with the entire situation and keeps saying that she needs to go to the hospital and get a drip put in her. She has lost so much weight, won’t eat anymore and drinks very little liquid which is to just swallow medication or to get the taste of the morphine from her mouth. She has bedsores on her and it’s gotten to where it’s more than we can handle to get her moved around in order to clean her and bathe her and the hospice people had said that they were going to start coming daily but no one has showed up over this weekend and he is just coming unglued. I am not happy that they told us that they would come daily and haven’t showed up either but, I am more laid back about it and I am not wanting to make things more complicated than they already are. An on-call nurse contacted me and said they would be by sometime this evening and now my brother is saying that he is going to give this guy a piece of his mind when he gets here and I am just tired of all the fussing. There is only our niece besides the two of us, my oldest brother, her dad, is in rehab and my twin brother has sent her all kinds of rude text messages about the situation yet, she has a new baby and is in nursing school and lives 2 hours away so, she can’t just come help all the time. Anyway, I’m just about at my wits end with his constantly being unhappy with everyone and I just want peace and for my mother to be as comfortable as possible. I thought that hospice was on call 24/7 yet they have been dismissive towards us but I’m sure it’s because he’s been ugly to them at some time or another. I’m just tired of all the fussing.
I just read your follow up.
I'm sorry this has been so hard on your and your family. It brings up so many emotions when a loved one, especially a parent, is dying.
For your brother, it brings the added stress of losing his financial support.
I hope you all find a way through this, with some counseling if you can.
I'm going to side with your brother on this - your mother should be in the hospital - or at lease a skilled nursing facility.
And your brother's mental health is not your problem to fix. You can not.
You put yourself in this position when you moved back in with your mother and brother, and you have been dealing with an unhealthy family dynamic for a long time. It's time to let go. Let go of your mother's care. She probably doesn't have much time left. Let her be cared for in a professional care setting, and just spend time with her as a (daughter/son?). Plan your next move - Out of your mother's house. Away from the brother. And allow your mother the peace and comfort she deserves and you want for her. All this fussing and fighting over her care is not making her feel any better.
Yikes you are in a difficult situation that you never thought would happen. It is understandable that you have reached your limit. Just acknowledging that is a start but now what?
You need to realize that you will not change your brother. So what to do? Not easy but you need to take care of yourself first. One thing is learning boundaries which is about what you will do or not do in terms of your brother. As hard as it is you need to response to him kindly but firmly in what you desire and need.
Who has POA (power of attorney) for your mother? If you do, it would be good if you are able to talk with your mother about what she wants or needs. Would your brother listen to her? From what I've read a narcissistic person can't hear and listen to another person as they are so wound up in what they think and want.
Do you have an objective person like a pastor/priest or therapist or coach that can help you work through this difficult situation? You need the support of others outside of the situation. You can't do this alone.
I'm sad that your hospice situation has not been good. I don't totally understand your mother's situation other than she just stopped smoking and isn't mobile. If she is bedridden it is so so important that she is turned every few hours and has medication for her bed sores. Can you get help from her doctor or maybe the agency the hospice nurse(s) are working with?
Hang in there! My prayer for you is that you find the way to care for yourself while caring for your mother and dealing with your brother.
I am so sorry that you are losing or have lost your Mom, and I am so sorry for your brothers too. Please try to heal these wounds with each other if possible. You are all feeling the same loss of the same mother. It is hardest on whoever was closest to her, so please have some compassion and patience with him. I am sorry if your mother played favorites, I am not sure if she did, but I am sure she lives all of her children. Please know that she loves you and appreciated all that you ever did for her! I know you don’t agree with her babying your brother, but sometimes that just happens. It feels to me like my twins were just in their strollers, now they are in their 20’s! Yes, I still baby them.
It is always a shame when families fall apart, and when family members treat each other badly. I know that sometimes it can be fixed, but usually too many things have been said or done to repair the damage.
just imagine how happy your Mom must have felt to know she was having or adopting twins! Twins should always have a special bond. Please try your best to fix it, if it does not work, at least you tried.
Best of luck to you and your family.
🙏❤️🍀
AJLZ88 you have to take care of yourself. I encourage you to seek out some counseling to help you through the grief of your mother’s passing, but also the grief over the breakup of your family group.
You have your hands full with brother. Please, do not feel you need to be responsible for him. After Moms passing, I would find another place to live. I will assume that older brother was made Executor. If so, just let him handle everything.
What I learned is that after my brother had been living with my parents for years, they sort of became entrenched (or perhaps enmeshed) and learned to live with his behavior.
Your brother might see your presence as a threat to his relationship with your mom--meaning that you might expose his behavior for what it really is.
Reach out to hospice and explain the situation. Let them know that you would like to speak to someone about your family. I hope this helps.
I was scared of my sister and the hospice workers were scared of my sister.
With the second enrollment 6 years later I eventually moved Mom to the hospice facility. The hospice facility had security.