Is anyone dealing with a person taking advantage of their mother?

I wish I knew the answer to that, for the last 7 years my sister has done that to my Mom right after her husband died from pancreatic cancer my Mom has paid all of her bills, rent,elec, gas, cell phone, car insurance, makeup etc. I told my Mom that my sister needs to go to work and pay her own bills, what's she gonna do when my Moms not here she is going to be 90 in September. Besides the fact she raises her voice at my Mom & my 2 handicap sisters. If I figure it out I'll let you know. Gail

My niece didn't have POA and "borrowed" money from my mother but of course, never paid it back. That was before we knew my mother had Alzheimer's. Now, that my cause her to be ineligible for Medicaid for the nursing home because they assume it is a "gift" and you have to prove it wasn't given away to hide it.
Can you go to her lawyer and tell them what the granddaughter is doing?
It probably wouldn't hurt. They may be able to advise you as to what you can do.
Good luck.

I suggest seeing a lawyer. If your mom has dementia that plays a big part in the final decision. My mom did not have dementia and my lawyer said she could do anything she wanted, it was her money.
In hindsight, there are so many people who selected the wrong person to be their POA. They thought with their heart instead of a logical mind. So many people end up with drained bank accounts, and then become burdens on their families because they have no other place to turn or they can't get benefits. For that reason alone, you should seek legal advice.
In a perfect world, anyone who is POA should keep squeaky clean financial records if for no other reason but to protect themselves if any of the family questions or accuses them. The POA may not be doing anything wrong but if lawyers are brought in, then they'll have to fork over some cash to defend themselves.
Good luck!

AlwaysMyDuty hit it on the head saying that parents often pick with their heart instead of their head. My sister has POA and is doing the same sorts of things. We have talked to my mother but she doesn't want to "hurt her feelings" by changing POA from her to one of my brothers. My sister feels that everything that was my mom's is now hers and she lays claim to things without consideration for any of us. I've come to the conclusion that there is nothing I can do; my mom seems to want things as they are even though she gripes to me constantly about my sister. I'm distancing myself from the whole thing and letting it play out. When mom runs out of money my sister will have to take care of her.

The running out of money part is always the key. And when this question is raised by an outsider, it always seems to be, why is the questioner concerned about running out of money? Is it a self-interested question? That's an easy allegation to make against any non-POA family member who wants to blow the whistle on a POA who is taking advantage. The problem is, if the POA does not have the financial wherewithal or willingness to take care of their charge when the money runs out, the dependent person may be out of luck. There are many gaps in our legal system that allow things like this to play out among the many, many people who do not have the will or the way to plan out estate issues ahead of time. One alternative is to petition for guardianship, which is often resisted strongly by the person who should be coming under guardianship. Which is to say, don't be surprised if a challenge to an abusive POA is an uphill battle.

If mom has "decisional capacity", technically its her call on who gets to serve as POA. However, my question is, if she doesn't have any major cognitive impairment/dementia, then why is the POA allowed to act on her behalf right now? Like mentioned above, if she has dementia, make sure its documented somewhere by a physician. And then contact an attorney or eldercare advocate. Adult Protective Services could possibly get involved if need be under the parameters of financial abuse. Also, is there an alternate POA appointed? If so and mom doesn't have capacity, perhaps the granddaughter serving as primary POA could be revoked and the alternate agent could take over.

This is where I want to come in and play devil's advocate: I myself AM that DPOA who has been accused of 'spending every dime' and 'blowing' mom money. In fact, I have another thread on here about this very matter, and about how my sisters have accused me of doing the things you are stating in your article. So please, if I may, let you see a little light from the 'other side of the fence". Now mind you, I understand there is some real serious situations going on out there that warrant such accusations, and those are certainly justified. And I am certainly not saying yours is not! But some...are absolutely..not. And those are the ones where siblings want to call all the game shots from the sidelines, but wont step a foot onto the field.

Mom has lived with me for 3 years, has a nice light and bright room with her own bath, a bird feeder and a view to the vegetable garden and lots of Flowers. She is cooked for, cleaned for and everything is done for her here. All she has to do is whatever she wants. When she first moved in, 500.00 a month went to her portion of everything, and the rest of her ss check went for whatever she wanted. She only got about 1186.00 a month back then. So if she wanted clothes or whatever, fine. If she wanted to give her grandsons something, she could...oh wait!............ no she couldn't! In fact, the 500.00 a month that I got for Moms portion of everything here---I was accused of 'blowing" that. I "spent every dime of moms money"---at least according to my sister. There was no POA at the time, just sissy handling Moms bank account while I had the physical care of her. Yep, that is all sissy did, and take Mom to her doc appointment every month, sometimes few months, cos I cannot drive for lack of good vision.

Okay back to my thing: Mom never wanted or needed for anything. Hubby and I both work--in fact, we do customer service for a large company and have the liberty to work from home taking calls and doing what we do. So Mom is never alone. Never has to make her breakfast, never has to make her lunch, or dinner for that matter. She is incontinent, and she has extra laundry I really do NOT mind doing for her. In fact I do not mind doing ANYTHING for her.

My sons were here for some of the last three years and two have moved on. One remains. She loves her grandsons and gives them money. Heck, I'm going to be a gramma soon, and nobody better not ever tell me I can't give my grandkids money!!! or gifts! And If I want to give my sons money, I will. And I do.

Well my mom feels the same way. Mom lives with us. We are a family unit under one roof. Happy, content and stable.

Sissy didn't think so, and had other ideas. She took mom out and talked to her about moving in to a nursing home..how she'd get socialization and games and better care there. Mom thought that might be fun. Mom came home one day with a beautiful brochure and all the paperwork in her hand to get in one of the local homes. She was beaming! She was on the waiting list. I was dumbstruck and hurt to the core...one more jab by sissy. I could have beat the living **** outta her for doing that. But I had to keep quiet, not say a word cos Mom was excited she was going to a new place where she would have all sorts of great adventures to look forward to.

BTW, I had stopped taking Moms 500.00 a month a little over a year earlier..Sissy didn't like the way I spent it on whatever. I wonder if she likes the way her bank spends her mortgage payments. I wonder if she likes the way MY landlord spends MY rent money I happily give him each month... but you get what I mean. We stopped taking it, and took good care of Mom all on our own. In the meantime, Sissy banked that money and a whole lot more. She had placed it in her own account. That way she got Mom qualified for Medicaid for the nursing home.

Mom was in the nursing home exactly 1 month. One. Sissy called me crying cos she just couldn't handle all the running back and forth to the nursing home for Mom. Mom wanted this, Mom wanted that, and Mom was only allowed 35.00 a month while in the home, so Sissy was having to pay out of her own pocket, AND do all the running. She was literally having a nervous breakdown. I got hubby on the other phone to overhear her sobbing about how hard it was and she just couldn't take it anymore (as a witness and that I wasn't hearing things), and that afternoon I went and started the paperwork to get Mom back home--where she belonged.

Once Mom was back home a few weeks,, Sissy turned everything over to me to handle, all moms paperwork, all moms banking info and everything. DPOA was obtained as well, to make things right. Now where was this money Sissy had been putting back? Well, that is a long story, and it took six months and Community Legal Services of Central Florida to straighten her up and make her return it. That is what my thread from back in September on here is all about. I had to get them involved since I could not reason or rationalize with her without getting decked in the jaw, which happened. I have a restraining order of sorts on her now. (Officer made her sign a statement that she'd stay away).
I have another sister who is too wrapped up in her world to come see mom either. But she does not try to run my life or Moms. She is more appreciative that I am taking care of mom so she does not have to, or even worry about her. That sister has not seen mom in 5 years. She is 80 miles away. Sissy is 1 mile away. Or less.

If either sister ever tries to start something with me about Mom's money, I will counter with them being liable for all my attorney fees upon final outcome. And I know, without a doubt, that outcome will be
in favor of the current situation Mom is in.

So what if I buy a washing machine? Mom is incontinent! So what if I bought a freezer, I don't have time to cook three meals a day and Moms special meals take up space I don't have in the refrigerators freezer. So what I make flower beds outside her window? So what I buy extra food stock some back..food prices are rising and I bulk when on sale. So what I do what I do..this is MY life and since Mom is here and neither sis can handle her care, I will.
Bottom line to understand: If Mom is happy, mom is fed, Mom is cared for and not neglected, and things are peaceful in the situation involving the POA or caregiver and the parent, then let them be.

If on the other hand mom is abused and neglected, then there is something to get involved in.

These types of situations are really no different than sickening child custody cases which burn me up! Fighting over who is the better caretaker.....trying to justify their hatred toward the other parent by making up lies or exaggerating facts.... it's usually about money. Truth is: A court or judge should NEVER EVER have to be a part of your life when it comes to custody or care unless there is real neglect or irresponsibility. Two or more adults should be settling between themselves for the betterment of any given situation, doing what is the highest choice of all concerned. And get their selfish selves out of the way.
My sisters would be a joy to me if they would stop accusing me and start helping me. I have not had a day free to pursue anything I want--a long walk, a lovely weekend, or anything for me, nor my hubby, all this time. Yet they can go and come as they please. And I would never ask them for help. They would turn that around and make it "see, she can't handle it after all....".

Go ahead and say what you will...I can hear it coming.....This is just my side, one side, the opposite side of the story.

Shamir, wow, you've been through it all! I just do not understand siblings throwing all the responsibilities of taking care of their parents on one kid and then griping about every little thing. It's just hard to wrap my head around it but I lived it, so I know it exists.
One comment I'd like to make...yes, I fully agree a court or judge should not be involved in your life when it should be something handled by the siblings. At this time, my sister, because she couldn't be a big girl, and I are involved in a mess over our late mom's estate. I'm sick to death with embarrassment that as two sane adults she couldn't put differences aside and buck up to get this solved. It is one of the most hurtful and costly, unnecessarily I might add, events of my life. This will take the rest of my life to get over.
There are always at least 2 sides to every situation. Thanks for sharing yours.

Shamir: cheers to you! This is a difficult subject, and unless someone has lived it, they will not know how it feels to be the caregiver with ungrateful siblings.

I am in a simlar situation with some of the dynamics a bit different. I do not have POA, but should as my mother has dementia and is getting worse by the day. My alcoholic sister and one of her children come around like clockwork at the first part of every month to visit mom...payday. The story is long and horrific (i.e. mom taking cash from life insurance policies and credit cards to give to my sister, and many other monetary situations) and many times I am at the brunt of it. I can't do anything about mom's dementia as she refuses to go to a doctor (I've spoken to our family doctor). Long story about the doctor subject also. I know I will have to seek legal action one of these days, and have been making some calls to appropriate agencies and attorneys.

It is a slippery slope that honest and loving caregivers travel on. It does seem at times that the non-caregivers who complain do not have the character or ethics to see all of the love and dynamics that goes with taking care of a beloved family member.

I wish you well.

I would speak to your mother about this and if she will not authorize removing the grandaughter as POA, see a lawyer to see how to get her removed.

However, the grandaughter has probably been milking your mother for years. We have generations of children and grandchildren who expect the elderly to impoverish themselves so they can have "Things" which they can't afford, don't need and will never work to provide for themselves. It is so much easier to manipulate the elderly parent or grandparent. They are USERS and will never amount to a damn.

Meanwhile a smaller and smaller part of the family members (children and grand children) will take care of poor, disabled parents and grandparents. These people spend their money on the elderly to make their last years more meaningful and comfortable. These people use family leave and leave jobs to care for their elderly parent. These people are caring children grandchildren and in laws too.

A cautionary story, don't give everything to the ungrateful children and grandchildren or they will continue to prey on you in your "golden yrs" and they will never be self supporting.

Good luck and stop your mother from being played. She deserves more respect than that in old age.

Elizabeth

@Shamir, Thank you so much for sharing your story here. In situations like yours, I don't think anyone (from a legal standpoint) could or should be scrutinizing how the dependent parent's money is being managed, if in fact, the parent's funds are being utilized for their care and well being. What you provided for your mom at home was justifiable as it enhanced her quality of life and eased some of your caregiving financial burden. As you said, if the care recipient is being neglected, then the use of their finances to aid in the caregiving situation is definitely questionable. But I don't think you did anything wrong. And I'm sorry to e hear you're the one being saddled with all the responsibility for your mom's care; that's unfortunate and unfair as you have siblings who could help out. My father used to say, " one parent can take care of six children, but six children can't even begin to take care of just one parent".

" one parent can take care of six children, but six children can't even begin to take care of just one parent".


Wow. That is a potent statement.

Shamir, I had to do a double take to see if I wrote your story! Except for the in and out of a nursing home part, its my story too! Its so amazing that its so similar to my situation. My Mom has a wonderful sunny room with a birdfeeder outside her window, music, tv, and everything she needs. She is incontinent and cannot walk or talk, or barely see but my husband and I also are keeping her in our home. I know the feeling of just wanting a walk, or to get away, but I am following my heart and what would I want? What does Mom deserve? Sometimes I sit outside on the ramp when she naps and just breathe in the fresh air and pretend I am on vacation! Mom deserves the best and we can hire someone to get out if we want to, shes never alone or afraid and thats all that matters. My siblings accused me also and I got a lawyer. I had not taken any money from her and was told by the lawyer I should be taking compensation for the 24 hour care, what a surprise, my siblings accusations back fired on her, lol. Long story short, Moms money is gone now and she is still here and still gets her monthly checks which go to her clothes, diapers, bedpads, food, oil heat, etc, and respite for us when we need a break.Cheers Shamir, keep up the great work. I agree the siblings who are worried about "moms" money really are worried about "their" inheritence. I too do everything squeaky clean including paying taxes and keeping a spread sheet on every penny spent, just in case.

Interesting that this thread took a slightly different direction. While I sympathize with anyone who feels their loved one is being taken advantage of I also understand family members who have no idea of what it takes to be a full time caregiver. Caregivers have every right to be reimbursed for taking care of their loved ones if the loved ones are able to pay. By living in my Mothers house with her I save her over $3500 a month - that is what assisted living costs in this area. She has a lovely room that overlooks the garden that I take care of. She gets balanced meals and has a personal driver. On top of all that I am a Registered Nurse who could easily charge $40 an hour for my services. Of course I do not charge that. In fact I buy most of the groceries and do all of the cooking. I make way less than minimum wage. There is no way that I am emptying my Mothers coffers. If anything I am saving her money so the sibs will be sure to get their share even though they hardly ever help.

legally, the POA is obligated to act in the interest of the person for whom they have POA ... there are probably free services if you cannot afford an attorney -

Yes, Hadenough, you are right! I never ever meant to steer this thread away from its original topic. And Reverseroles, thank you! :) This subject deserves its own thread, and my subject does too. I might make a thread just for it later, right now I gotta get to work! :) Thanks for allowing me to speak with bashing me. I was expecting the opposite. More accusations to justify attack. I need to get passed that, it's just been ingrained in me for the last few years.

Shamir, I know this is not your point, but when you state: "A court or judge should NEVER EVER have to be a part of your life when it comes to custody or care unless there is real neglect or irresponsibility," that is not always the case. My mother has dementia and had no POA in place, so after my father passed away we had to have her declared a ward so I (or someone) could become her legal guardian. Fortunately, there was no fighting among my sisters and I was named guardian without any problem. This is why I am begging all my friends to talk with their parents now about POAs and to get them in place. Having to go the guardianship route is a huge pain and is very constricting, but sometimes it's an imperative route to take in order to properly care for our elder or incapacitated loved ones!

It's so very hard and I know I will never be the same again because I am forever broken for the sad heartbreak and how my mom suffered the last year of her precious life..she was the most wonderful mom in the world with such a loving heart and so giving sweet and more...my mom was taken by a stranger a guardian corrupt along with a team of attorneys corupt judge and more
We had a 2nd home in Florida where all happened and my only asking for help from 911 and APS caused a nightmare when I was just reaching out for help...my husband very close to my mom never dreamed this was going on in our country and state being an honest lawyer in Florida for over 30 years...I fought a corupt legal system for almost 5 years along with other families loving hurt by the same ...mom only wanted to come home to her home of 35 years in S Florida ...the guardian appointed through the court with her a and and APS fabricating lies so untruthful and unbelievable anyone could do this which hurt my mom breaking bones and drugging her to cause hypothermia and more all for the love of money..exploitation elder abuse and guardianship abuse my sweet innocent so loving mom who was my world never got to come home again to her childhood friend, grandson, and family...The people especially the guardian, her sick lawyer and a one sided judge who knew her never thought maybe my mom was a person with a family instead just went along to make her suffer in dumpy nursing homes alone frightened to abused...I even told them please take the money just give my mom back,,,I miss her so very much ,,,it seems like a nightmare every morning I wake up. I found 5 other families hurt and lost their loved ones by the same corrupt team..Nobody should have to go through this heartache
Please everyone love your mom and dad everyday every waking moment try to protect them from court appointed guardians and stranger being guardians coming off as being nice and stabbing and hurting us and our parents behind our backs...I'm here for anyone that needs support and help to guide in the safer direction because their our evil people in this world who don't care about the love a parent deserves with the highest respect in their golden years.....heartbroken forever for my mom Jill

Maria17, yes, you are correct in that sense. I meant regarding senseless bickering. You are quite fortunate to have sensible cooperation from your siblings. I wish it were so for all of us! :) You are blessed indeed!

Jillsmom, so very, very sorry you had to go through that.

siblings that do not get along can cause unfortunate heartbreak since many times court appointed guardians are ordered by a judge giving the guardian control of money medical decisions and dictate where your mother should live...filing court motions to give the guardian the right to sell homes property and valuables of you mothers plus taking her fees and her attorneys fees out of your mothers finances along with other fraudulent charges and fees.then the heartbreak nightmare of this guardian to state how the family doesn't get along causing such heartbreak plus...if you google "how a fraudulent guardianship commences" read all fir yourself plus google "guardianship abuse" read the stories for unfortunately and sadly they are real..a lot of us are not aware to these happenings until after the fact then its sadly too late.
bless all for nobody should have to go through this.
take care and give your mom and dad a hug
Jill

Thank you Shamir
I'm just reaching out to all to love and keep your mom and dads close in the loving arms of their families..it's real as to what happens and so many of us meet and became close forever friends supporting each other since we are so heartbroken as to something we never dreamed happens by people who lie and are heartless with no soul.
Jill

Being your from Connecticut there's a story online about Dee King's father Daniel Grossman which tells about guardianship and what sadly happen to a caring loving daughter father...

Jillsmom, I'm so sorry all this happened to your mom and you. I can tell you are heartbroken. It makes me so sad. Unfortunately I didn't have a sweet mother like yours but I would've never wanted any of that to happen to her. Fighting between sibs often has gone on for years and was caused by their hateful mother or father which applies to me. Our dysfunction ran deep and is still going on thanks to moms and sister mistakes and a less than ethical atty. God bless you and bring you comfort. Thanks for sharing your story because it just might prevent someone else from going thru your nightmare.

Shamir, you keep on sharing and venting on AC. There are so many wonderful caring people on here who support one another, need to vent and offer great advice. I've only encountered a couple of people who thought I was awful because I didn't care for my mom but ya know, they were entitled to have their say. I know the truth about my story, they didn't. Otherwise everyone else has been fantastic, people I'd pick as friends if I met them.

Jillsmom, you sound like you could be one of my sisters. Although the recent guardianship hearing we went through for my mom (in which I became her guardian) was not contested and went smoothly, one of my sisters is not happy about our mother living in a memory-care residence. My sister lives 3,500 miles away (a 6-hour plane ride). She wants my other sister and I, who live nearby, to send mom to live with her and her husband/son. Our mother would love to visit with Far Away Daughter, but has stated numerous times she does not want to live with her (it's a state far, far, north). Nevertheless, my sister is angry with us about the situation and feels that mom should only be living with a family member. As legal guardian, I believe that even though we all love our mom dearly, not one of her daughters could provide the safety, security, entertainment, companionship, and freedom that the memory-care residence provides. She is free to roam the secured household at any time of the day or night, which she does; there is an RN on duty 24/7; there are people to listen to her and take care of her needs; there is always something going on and activities that are appropriate for her; she has 15 other housemates who provide peer interaction, plus she interacts with staff. When I visit with her (4-5 times a week), my time is spent chatting with her or participating in activities with her. It's a calm, peaceful visit. Clearly I believe this is a better situation than if she were to live with any one of us with our husbands and kids in 2-story houses with no full baths on the first floor. Not only is it unsafe for her, her needs would destroy our families. She wanders, is incontinent, etc.; you all know the drill. As it is, I work full-time on her finances, cleaning out her house, which needs to be sold to pay for her care, and personal care needs (doctor appointments, supplies) plus have kids and my own household.... Where I am going with this, Jillsmom, is that we all have our lenses that we view things. I truly believe I am a good daughter doing the right thing for my mom and my sisters, yet I have a sister who disagrees with the path we've taken. I completely understand where my Far Away Sister is coming from, but I disagree with her. I pray my sister is not in as much psychic pain as you are in. But I know how we are handling things does pain her. Anyway, I want you to know that not all guardianship cases are abusive, even when siblings do not agree! Peace to you, Jillsmom.

Hey Shamir! Same situation here. I wish I had more time to write, but I have to go give mom a bath, get her lunch, give her pills, freshen her ice water, rub her back, try to play a card game ALL before I have to go to a meeting at work in less than 2 hours. Oh, and yes, I have a POA sissy just like yours and a brother who is less than 15 min. away who has not been here or called in two months.

Oh, by the way, I bought pizza last night using my mom's debit card and I am just waiting to hear from sissy about spending mom's money.

been there Inthestorm! Way too much!

Shamir. I feel like I'm reading my own story. You explained it so well and thanks for sharing. Anyone needing help with their parents or you want to know where the money is, call your local area on aging. Tell them you suspecit elder fiduciary abuse and they will investigate every penny free of charge. My family member had to give it all back what he could come up with. He did have some money that was missing. All those other people want to do is bark orders and make sure they get their "Fair Share" even though we do all the day to day work of cooking, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, sorting meds, giving meds, hair and nails, bills and are the other 9000 little things that come up all the time. God forbid they would say "I will take mom for a couple days, go enjoy time with your family" and don't worry.