Does a dementia sufferer recognize that they have a problem?

dsl7334: "She gets angry with me" can be rephrased to "she gets angry with herself" because that is what is happening.

My grandmother is 92 and says that she remembers everything but when asked a simple question she can't remember. I feel for you. I often sit and wonder what I can do to help her simply understand that I am there to help her and not hurt her. She gets so angry with me as if I am saying and doing things on purpose to make her feel bad. I leave feeling so frustrated (most of the time crying all the way home) She won't leave her home. All I ever hear is she wants to die there. She has no way of getting extra help in the home so all the pressure is on me to help her. My father has suggested me and my daughter move in with her but I don't know if that is the best solution to this long term problem. She isn't eating correctly and has stopped cleaning her house. All the people who have responded to your post completely understand that this is a heartbreaking, painstaking, costly, stressful situation. Stay on board with this site - it is a blessing!

NYDaughterInLaw: You are spot on about elders not being able to handle the truth! About 7 years ago I was having ear surgery. My mother actually had to call my daughter on the phone, saying to her "I can't handle it (my surgery)." My daughter had to calm her down by saying "my mother (me) is a strong woman; please do not worry Grammy."

My dad was fine up to a point but then it progressed to the point where my sister and I could no longer cope. He needed constant care. It is hard moving them to facility, but we did. The meds he was asked to take at the facility, made things worse for him, He deteriorated very fast there, much to our ignorance. He passed in August of last year, and I wish I could have done it differently, but it was very difficult both ways. Good luck with your decision. It is never easy.

Actually, the answer is yes, that they do know it. Realizing that every elder is different and this story does not apply to all elders, my 101 y.o. friend said to me about 2 years ago, when I called her on the phone, she actually said to me "you know, you'll have to retell me of all of what you just said the next time we talk because I won't recall any of it."

Worry, please consider the moving in with you idea. Consult with her physicians regarding her diagnosis & prognosis. Seek out legal advisement & get things in order. This will be a roller coaster ride for you. Behavior is an old memory & a difficult one may get worse with memory impairments. I know you love & care, this is your mom, but investigate options, discuss them & take some time in making a decision. Stay strong & focused. Blessings🌸

In the beginning stage I believe they know, are even overwhelmed by the way they are feeling, a mess. I do think my brother knew something was drastically wrong, he seemed anxious & stressed, needy & scared, his emotions out of control. He was trying to hold onto his normal, same old routine. Now some old memories are there. Conversations are difficult. He can get frustrated & agitated easily. He needs help most of the time. I see more blankness, sleeping & solitude. ALZ & most memory impairments are progressive. Areas of a working brain are dying, that's never good. Consult with your mom's doctors, ask questions. Seek out experienced & knowledgeable people to aid you. This forum is great; the ALZ Association is available 24/7 to ask, vent, cry. It's sad to watch, it's ok to need help & support. Blessings 🌸

My mother is "losing it" and is aware at this point. We don't call it dementia, she has not been dxed formally with it. But she cannot recall events of last week, but remembers her childhood as if were yesterday.
She's actually MUCH nicer this way, kind of having forgotten how much she dislikes me, so we are getting along better. Trying to see the positive in a difficult time. She won't "get better", but I do enjoy the woman who she is right now.
A dementia patient is likely to not even realize nor care they have dementia--if they are "lucky" then they won't, ever.

Bbtwinks,

My mom was the same way before she passed. Now, I'm dealing with Dad at home. I don't think he wants to admit that he has a problem with his memory. He doesn't realize that he has dementia. He keeps saying "what the h*ll wrong with me?" I can't really reason with him because every day he can't do anything about and he forgets the reason. So, accept who ”the new mother" she is. It's not easy, but it'll be easier on your heart and mind.

For @Bbtwinks: Yes it's very common for people like your mom to have very poor insight into their condition. But it sounds like the main problem is that your mother is in assisted-living, keeps asking to go home, and this is stressful for you.

This is also common. Don't try to reason with her, you will just both end up frustrated. There are better approaches to take, and you can learn them from Teepa Snow or someone else who is a dementia behavior management expert. (you can find Teepa's videos online.) The overall idea is to address the underlying emotion, provide reassurance and love, and redirect the person's attention and thinking to something else.

Of course, it's easier said than done, but if you can find a video or article by a dementia behavior expert, they should be able to demonstrate some specific things to say. Good luck!

Sandra316, in your shoes, I would not tell your sister anything about her house. Keep saying "I don't know" or "I'll have to check" until the questions stop. This worked for my elderly friend. Luckily, because her care home is literally two streets away from where she lived for four decades.

Contrary to other answers, my 89 yr old mom had to be placed in AL facility 7 mo ago. She absolutely knows her mind is going and mentions it all the time to me. It is the worst thing to hear, she doesn't say "dementia" but says if your body is falling apart at 89, why wouldn't your brain do the same thing?

I have just placed my 82 year old sister into Assisted living. She has a dementia and is aware that she has some memory issues but for the most part she is in denial about it. Early on she was crying one morning and told me that she felt that she was losing herself...I felt terrible and just told her that I was here for her and that she should just try to remember the things from the past and that I would help her with the present. I had taken her from her home and she had been living with me at the time. Her home is in NY and I live in NC... After caring for her for 6 months I realize that I couldn't help her anymore because she doesn't remember anything that we talked about and it was driving me crazy... The one thing that she keeps repeating is that she wants to go home and that she feels that she can take care of herself. On top of her having Dementia she was a hoarder and the house she owns is filled with stuff and is not fit for anyone to live there. So it has only been less than 2 weeks that she is living in the AL but I am told that she continues to tell and ask everyone about her house and that she has to get back to it. It doesn't look like she will try to leave but it is something I worry about. The house is being sold and I was hoping to tell her afterwards but this may upset her and beside she probably won't remember. I really don't know what to tell her.

bbtwinks, yes, dementia sufferers do know when their brains are "not quite right" but they will do everything possible to cover this up, and hide their memory failings from their nearest and dearest. They also start not wanting to go out or not to see old friends, in case the friends notice the difference.

It is very upsetting for all family members to have to put a relative into Memory Care housing or Assisted Care, but really it is the only way to preserve your sanity and your health. You will have many many conversations about "when do I get out of here?" and "I want to go home", but you must keep repeating the same reasons and then talk about something else - do not continue to reason with the Alz patient. One day, these 2 questions will become automatic, not expecting answers, and one day they will not be asked at all. Be patient, and stick to the same answers every time, don't elaborate, and move the conversation on to something else. Time heals all.

There is a name for not recognizing one's deficits. It's anasognosia and a reflection of cognitive decline in the area of the brain that allows that discernment. My mother has dementia and anasognosia. I'd never heard of it until I read an article about it. Here's one from this website: https://www.agingcare.com/articles/anosognosia-and-dementia-top-tips-from-caregivers-210090.htm

As many have said, there's no standard answer that works for everyone. We each have to do what we have to do. In my case, I took Mom out of a good and caring AL because she was sleeping all the time and because it was a long ways away from me. Sure enough, when I brought her to live with us, she perked up quite a bit. That's the good news. The frustrating news: that was 8 years ago, she still lives with my husband and me and guess what? For about the last 2 years, she sleeps all the time. Can't win for losing. But I have to think 6 more years of reasonable alertness in an environment where she feels safe and loved has been a good thing. And now snoozing in her recliner in an environment where she feels safe and loved seems to suit her well. So overall, I'm glad I brought her here. That said, my children were already grown and long-gone, and all my grandchildren are scattered through the country, so they only interact with "GG" very occasionally. With 11-year-old twins, you may find their level of activity helps your Mom engage. However, you will definitely also find that the further dementia progresses, the more it resembles having one very large infant/toddler who, instead of learning new things to delight you with all day has the unfortunate experience of forgetting new things that require watchful vigilance all day. Before you move her to your home, take a good honest look at the kind of relationship she and your twins can have -- if she's part of their everyday versus if she's a very special-occasion weekly visit. Both have lots of virtues, but you and your twins are top priority. Also do not underestimate the amount of time it takes to give supervisory attention without over-controlling. Can you afford that time when your twins are about to enter the height of extracurricular activities? I believe Mom would have adjusted to the AL had I been close enough to visit regularly. As it was, I was 3 states away and only able to visit every few months. Local family had busy schedules and pretty much avoided visiting. Had Mom had more funds, I think an AL closer to us could have worked fine. If i were starting again, that's what I would try for. That said, there have been some very special moments and experiences that I would not trade for. In fact, recently we came home from a long weekend trip together where she had asked repeatedly what happened to her house (which she sold almost 20 years ago). We parked the car and brought Mom inside. She looked around our living room and said, "This room is decorated EXACTLY like my living room!" She was gleeful. We said, "That must mean you're home!" and for whatever reason, we have not had the 'home' questions since. What a weird disease! Has it been a challenge for my independence and my marriage? Sure! Would it be easier if we had enough money to pay for frequent respite care? Absolutely! But my mantra is "Face Reality: Do What Works". For now, this is working for us. Plan carefully for what will work for you; not what you think is expected of you. Choose your plan, commit to it, and make it work as well as it can -- and know that no matter what you do, you will probably second guess it down the road. There's no perfect answer, but keep in mind that your mother is not the only one who needs your time and your love, and choose accordingly.

My Mom has been told she has alz but insisted it was the Drs who tested her that had it ( there were 4 because of a move) Sometimes in a lucid moment she will say she can't remember things but most of the time she tells the Drs that even though they tell her she has alz she doesn't agree and doesn't want to then gets angry. She's on seroquel and just started depakote for her aggression. Moving her in with you is a personal decision it can be extremely hard. Talk to a social worker through the hospital or department of aging they can help you with a facility and financial information if needed. Prayers for you

Bella7, boy your comment sounds like something I said. My husband has Alzheimer's for about 3 years now and this past year has gone down hill a lot because of two cataract operations, prostate operation, and now recently he fell and broke his hip. Before he broke his hip, I prayed that the placing of my husband be taken out of MY hands, and two days later, he fell and broke the hip. I felt guilty then. But I know he needs to be someplace where they help him better than I can. He's 81 and I'm 75. I'm worn out and I really don't think I should bring him back home after his rehab in the NH. But he thinks he's coming back home when he can walk again on his own. I don't see that happening. But if he does regain his ability after the 21 days at NH, I dread having to have him transferred to a memory care place.

As the saying goes, "if you have met one person with Alzheimer's, you have met one person with Alzheimer's".... They are all so different. My mom had been having issues for a few years and I think finding out what the cause was, helped her. She would tell people, "can you help me find my daughter, I have Alzheimer's." She has always seemed to be aware of why she is having issues.

There comes a point when our elders cannot handle the truth. My FIL has something wrong with his brain - he's easily confused, doesn't remember current events but remembers the past, asks questions over and over, doesn't retain information, showtimes etc. - and yet nothing shows up on any tests.

All that to say, I don't always answer his questions truthfully and I will change the subject when it's something I just don't want to talk about again and again. When changing the subject doesn't work, I make up an excuse as to why I have get going and I leave. I limit the amount of time I spend if I see he's particularly tired, anxious, or "off".

Change the subject. Leave. Fib about the house. Answering the same question over and over again is doing neither of you any good.

My dad thinks he's moving out of assisted-living this weekend and going back home, he has told everyone but my husband and I who are his main source of help.
Been told here to disappear for the weekend...which sounds like a good idea since there's just so many places I can hide in my garden!
Is it awful of me to wish a small health problem would arise that would keep him there longer and help me stall the situation ?

BB and CR
My near 94 year old mom has been in memory care for about 15 months - we run out of money in 24 months

Last year was awful, she escaped and they threatened to take her out on psych hold - she was intent on walking home - drew a map of how to get there even and yes she she knew the way

There are no magic words to make them stop asking to go home -she still references rooms in the house and knows the address

If you can't fib and say she's there for rehab or while the house is having repairs or let's wait and see what the doctor says then you have to just change the subject - I always bring treats and you may find they dole out cookies and ice cream a lot for a distraction

Dementia is a long tiring journey for everyone

Bbtwinks, right now my mother is in a nice AL but your situation is my biggest fear. Mom has mild dementia and her AL doesn't have a memory care option. I worry about the day that she won't be able to live there any longer. On the other hand, with mom's funds forecast stating she will run out in 4 years (she is 87), I secretly hope by that point her dementia is advanced enough that she will not even be aware of the move to a nursing home, as awful as it seems to have that line of thought. This caring for our parents is a no-win situation, agreed?? I too, get that "run & hide" urge!! Sorry I couldn't come up with any suggestions for you. Maybe I need sleep first! Lol. Hang in there..someone here will have ideas.

Thanks everyone for your input. I was just curious what everyone's experiences were. My mom is currently living in a memory care assisted living unit. She thinks that she is fine and can't understand why she can't go home. (My dad is 85 and can not see to her care any longer.) We have explained to her that she has a sickness in her brain and is in the facility to get extra care but this doesn't stick, of course, and we have to keep going over the whole situation. It is frustrating for me and heartbreaking, too. I know that you can't reason with dementia but what are we supposed to say when she keeps asking about going home? Sometimes I want to run and hide!

Worry, you and your mom would be so much better off if you do NOT move her into your home. If you have the time to read posts here from those who have done so, you'll quickly see that it is NEVER a good idea when dementia is in the equation. I hope you will check all possible options of ways to pay for assisted living for your mom. I am so very glad that I did!

My little 90 yr old aunt was discussing her aid's absence one day this week. I was telling her that the aid missed another day once before and I complained to the aid that she didn't call me and let me know that she was sick. She promptly replied that she had called my aunt. At this point in my story, my aunt interjected, "what good would that do?!, I can't remember anything!" So she is aware on some levels but in the same conversation she will tell me she doesn't need help. So it can be hit and miss even with the same person on the same day.

In the beginning mom knew she had dementia, about four years later as she kept declining, she thought she was perfectly fine. Isn't that better than the constant worry that something is wrong?

Wow, well my wife was diagnosed 6 years ago. To this day she has no sense that anything is wrong. Has almost no memory, no judgment, thinks she can still do everything (she is quite agile and active physically). Gets very upset when I happen to have to correct whatever she was working on, because she tries so hard to be useful, and 'thought she was doing such a good job, and just what I wanted'. So Alzheimer's patients are quite varied in how much they recognize their limitations, etc.

It depends on the person, in my opinion. When the dementia is advanced, I don't think they have any idea that there's a problem, because they honestly don't remember from one minute to the next what someone has told them, what questions they've asked of someone (so they ask them repeatedly), etc. It's kind of a win-lose situation for them - they don't remember things or people, and when they are told, for example, that the person in front of them is their daughter, they get confused, which is upsetting for them - but 5 minutes later, they forget all about it. So I think it causes them concern and confusion for a few brief moments, and then even *that* is forgotten.

With my mother, she had dementia, but remembered people and places. Not always, but most of the time. She never forgot her kids, but did forget her grandkids. Couldn't remember what she had for breakfast, but could tell me what she had at a special dinner 40 years ago.

Mom has no "real" financial resources other than her home. She was diagnosed when she was in rehab with dementia. Her anger issues are tolerable...she just chooses to ignore me and is currently on seroquel which has helped with the sundowning and lashing out.