I ask this question with great need of direction. I moved in with both my elderly parents after my divorce. My mother was diagnosed with COPD and I became her primary caregiver as well as my father's confidant. I work full time and worked around my mother's needs. After her death, my father had a stroke. I retired my position from work to help him recover in the safety of his home. Both my sisters only participated in the decisions of care when hospitalizations were required. They both insisted that dad go to an assisted living so that they could continue his therapy and care. After a month in the hospital, dad wanted to come home. I let my sister's know of his wants and they rejected stating that he needed the care and he has the money. I felt it was my job to do what dad wanted. I took him home and my sisters would not help because of it. They also blamed me when dad was not advancing like he should. He soon fell and broke his bones and again was hospitalized then followed up with rehabilitation center for 1 month. When it was time for out of pocket expense, dad wanted to come home. At that time, I found full time work and needed other committed people to help dad achieve this goal. My sisters again wanted him in a facility telling him that they did not need his money and that he was to spend his savings. I had my support and a care plan in progress. We built him a ramp and took him home. He needed 24 hour care. I planned on staying home, but requested to be paid. My sisters objected to this request wanting again assistant living. Dad said no. He was willing to pay me. My sisters feel that I am not involving them when it comes to big decisions. Through out the years, I had little contact with them and they only invited my parents to family events. Now I am called the employee and that I should have a list of my duties and what I am not to do. The POA is my little sister, and through our dad's care (and some of mom's when she was alive) does not agree with my plan. So, I am afraid that if dad does not change the POA to my authority then he has a high chance of beong placed in a home. When this was shared with my sister, she started yelling and accusing dad of changing the will. She was crying over an hour and dad finally told her he will not change the will. Even though she does not offer financial help, emotional support, nor any care for dad, she feels entitled to being the POA. She does not have dad's best interest in mind, and finds fault with everything I do. I am worried that she will abuse her power, and put her own feelings first. It will be difficult to be the primary caregiver with a toxic sister as the POA. I am constantly working full time and taking care of dad when I am not working. I have become resentful of my sisters and feel that they are always looking for something that I am doing wrong. I do not get compliments or positive reinforcment. I feel I am constantly defending myself with the decisions that dad makes. They both want to be put on the bank accounts to keep track of dad's money. I am not even on them nor have I requested to be. I feel I am not trusted and that they put a bug in dad's ear. Dad has not requested for a change of the will. At this point I am burnt out. The POA has given me disrespect and our relationship has turned toxic. She now spends her energy trying to prove that I am neglecting dads needs or taking advantage of him. I am not worried because there is nothing there. I do not know what to do at this point. Do I stay home to take full-time care of him and demand he changes his POA? Or do I continue to work full-time and go home?
It sounds from what you’ve said, as though your younger sister may, FROM HER PERSPECTIVE, have your father’s interests at heart, just as from YOUR PERSPECTIVE, you do as well.
The split among the three of you is in and of itself, an intense stress for the three of you AND FOR YOUR FATHER.
Because of your father’s many needs, he may well be served in a residential care setting, whether he wants to be there or not. He may be attempting to “save the inheritance” at the expense of his own welfare.
Will it make your father’s life better or more comfortable if you “demand” what you want? If your sisters become alienated from him, how will that help him to be more contented.
There are situations in geriatric care that have no good solutions and no happy endings.
You are offended by being considered “the employee”, but that was the arrangement you’d wanted. You are burnt out, your sisters thought your father would do better in residential care, you listened to your father’s request without really resolving the question of whether he’d be best served at home, or his reasons for his own request, and you’ve
None of you, not even your father, seem to be looking at the whole situation with fully objective eyes.
Would an impartial mediator be a any possibility?
"I work full-time, and I give dad another full-time for his care: burnt out. I have 2 siblings who have limited contact with help. I am a mother of three beautiful children who are living adult lives. I can't wait for grandchildren."
- you are already burnt out
- if you are his sole 24/7 caregiver when do you think you'll have time to spend with any future grandchildren or will be able to "be there" for your own children?
Have either you or he visited a good, reputable care community lately? My MIL is in a lovely place and gets great care, and she is on Medicaid. Keeping Dad at home means you're his only source of social interaction: he's basically cloistered. My MIL's facility takes residents out on field trips and hosts visiting musicians, pets and speakers, has daily activities and exercise classes, puts on concerts, etc. Your Dad would be more independent and you'd have your life back, and you could visit him as much as you wished, plus there'd hopefully be more family harmony.
Your sisters are under no moral or ethical obligation to provide his hands-on care themselves. I can't speak to the Will/inheritance thing since I'm an only child so can't relate. I wish you much clarity and wisdom and peace in your heart as you work towards a unified decision.
Coming home too soon might have been at least of the reason he soon fell and broke his bones?
How much are you paid now as an employee to take care of your father? Is it market rate? Are taxes taken out?
Yes, if you continue to care for Dad then you should hold both financial POA and Medical POA/Advance directive because you are the Caregiver. If Dad is competent explain to him why you should have POA. If he agrees and he is competent to make informed decisions, then take him to the lawyer, if possible, who drew up the original and revolk sisters and assign you. Since Dad has already had a stroke, I would ask that the POA be immediate otherwise you have to have one or two Doctors declare Dad incompetent before the POA is in effect. With immediate, its in effect when Dad signs it. Have lawyer right a letter to sister making her aware of the change.
You need to also explain to sister that being assigned POA does not give anyone the right to change existing Wills or beneficiaries. Its a tool not a power. Also explain, upon Dads passing, POA ends and the Executor of the Will takes over.
If Dad wants to pay you for your Caregiving, that needs to be stipulated in the POA and the amount maybe working in 3% a year increase for cost of living. If he wants to pay you for the time spent as POA, he can do that too but it needs to be in writing in case he ever needs Medicaid.
Also be aware, if you succeed in getting Dad to assign you, it may mean an estrangement from your siblings.
However, it seems you have several sisters who believe Dad should be in care. If Dad is not completely mentally capable at this time they may override a new POA designation to you with appication for guardianship. You can see the problems this would cause. Dad would undergo evaluation and diagnosis for competency. There may be a court action. And some judges, loathe to act as King Solomon, will take guardianship completely from a family squabbling situation, and appoint a fiduciary of the court to act as guardian under state auspices. This guardian would make all decisions regarding placement, including where it is, and would control all of Dad's finances.
I hope it isn't too late to work together. Get both sisters and Dad together and discuss the matter calmly.
Only you can decide how to move forward according to the wishes of your Dad and according to his competency to continue to act as he wishes and direct his own care himself on his own behalf.
I sure wish you good luck. Consider attending an hour with an Elder Law Attorney WITH DAD to discuss options.
I'm the younger of two siblings, but my parents gave POA to me, because my brother isn't too swift with money and they felt I was more attuned to their day-to-day lives as well. My parents were able to talk to me about anything, but my brother was often too busy to really sit down with them and have adult conversations. The official reason given to him as to why I was POA instead of him, was that he was still working full-time and I had the time. It prevented hurt feelings and that was a good thing for all concerned.
Fortunately, my brother has had my back the entire eight years I've been dealing with our parents and now with their estate. He trusted my decisions, I conferred with him on most of them and took his opinions into account, and we've had no conflict through this entire time.
I suggest you work toward that kind of cooperation with your sisters, too. Martyring yourself isn't going to win you any points, and your dad may very well not be the best person to make medical decisions for himself now. Try to have calm, adult conversations with your sisters instead of everyone getting riled up about wills and such. The common goal is to do what's best for your dad.
I remember after my own Mom had passed, Dad was finally able to sell their house and move into senior living. He couldn't believe such nice places existed. He was so happy to be around people of his own generation [he was in his 90's]. The Staff took wonderful care of him....
Thus, I could once again be Dad's daughter, instead of his "logistical caregiver". Oh, I still watched over him but I was able to continue working and sleeping comfortably at night. Plus knowing Dad loved where he was living :)
I will confess, I started to giggle at the idea of me going to heaven before him. Wouldnt that be something. However, I would embrace heaven all the same. I woudnt have to worry about a place to live. or worry about being alone or who woud take care of me when I am old. lol Dad did his rehabilitation at a brand new facility called St. Theres. It had all the levels of care for senior living that you could dream of. I talked dad into taking a tour and getting a feel for the place. However, when he found out the cost, he wanted to stay at home. At home, he gets my sister 3 times a week for about a half an hour each visit. He gets grand children, and neighbors who drop in frequently,. He gets to be with his dog who he adores. But, yes, I thought shoot I want to move in there. lol
Consider a Family Social Worker with experience in elder care to be a professional to facilitate a family meeting.
Where all the stakeholders can have their say & be heard.
Then a plan for your parents care can be formulated with transparency.
By refocussing on a Care Plan that works for everyone (with compromises) hopefuly, this will help maintain family relationships.
A family ripping itself apart won't help.
My fact pattern is a little different, but the moral of the story (and the morals of the siblings) are the same.
People on this forum are divided like the people in your family, so don’t be offended or discouraged if you find negative or cruel messages here.
Keep doing what your doing as long as it works for you. You are making your dad happy. That is clearly not a priority with all your family members and your family is no different from many.
Changing the will is not the same as changing the POA. As long as the other sister is POA, your Dad’s wishes may not be honored in the long run. That is important for him to consider.
My parents did change their will. They changed it drastically, starting with putting me in as executor (replacing a sibling that they justifiably decided to write out based on bad behavior). I knew about the executor, but not the other changes. It was better I didn’t know until I received the will along with all the other heirs. I could honestly say in court that I didn’t know.
My situation culminated in a lawsuit, and as you can already guess, I was accused of directing the will changes.
if your dad makes these changes, he should make them on his own without interference, direction (or even rides) from you.
My siblings would have sued me anyway. (I found out after our parents died that they were planning on suing me over expenses all along. (I took no pay for my caregiving))!
What would I have done differently? Nothing. I won the lawsuit 100%. I have peace of mind for following all my parents wishes.
Take care and private message me if you need support or someone to listen.
You are entering an unfamiliar boxing ring. Follow your heart and be strong.
“I felt it was my job to do what dad wanted.” You felt. It was your choice.
The second sentence that struck me
“He soon fell and broke his bones and again was hospitalized then followed up with rehabilitation center for 1 month”.
He won’t like it, however your Dad will be better cared for in a nursing home. You and your sisters will not have to worry about money since he has the funds. The nursing home will deplete his finds rather quickly and after that, Medicaid and be applied for. And there won’t be anything monetary or material left for you and your family to squabble over.
Your Dad need to be safe and cared for by professionals. He doesn’t need to be placed in the middle of sisters/family carrying on about who gets what and who does what.
Grow up and let money and material things go and get your Dad into a place where he’s safe. Visit all you can. Get back your own life.
Its not about the money as it was about keeping dad safe. He was discharged to go home by the facility he did rehab with. They even came out to the house to make sure it was safe place to be. I worked in a nursing home for a couple of years. I seen first hand how people can be neglegted do to shorstaffed and incompitent staff. I have seen elderely people fall, medicine errors, and residence sit in soil for hours before they got proper care. If at all possible, I do not want my loved one to go there unless there is no other choice for his care. You are missing the point of what is best or safe for our family. You focused on money when that will be spent on a homehealth aid. You focused on the money being spent towards a nursing home and there will be nothing left to fight over. The irony of the statment is that putting him in a nursing home would benifit me greatly. When it was time for Medicaid to take over, the house would be protected with the Child care excemption. Meaning I am the primary care taker for over 2 years I took care of him that prevented him from going into a nursing home, and I am a daughter of his. Even the Federal Government will give you the house because its that important to keep your loved one home. They will pay for a care giver too. The main focus is what dad wants, and what we can do to make that happen. After all, he is still sound of mind. Yes, of course we all want to have dad safe, live our own lives, and to not deal with family quarrels. Just becasue he fell when he was dizzy and broke bones should not be a reason to put him in a nursing home where his quality of life woujld just disinegrate. I am a mother , a caretaker, a manager, a devoted daughter, and a child of GOD! How much more can a person grow up? The reason I feel that I would want to be the POA, is so that I can still be in control of dads medical decisions, since I am the one who knows him best and my sister does not even visit him. Although, I like the part to get back my life. yes, I want my life baclk. But, not in the exspense of putting my father in a nursing home. Time will be soon enough for when I get it back.
If my brother and I didn’t get along then I would want to have POA as well as the health proxy since I know her needs and the day to day of her life better than he does. Since he needs it for most of the financial issues I don’t mind him being POA but mostly because I do not want to handle that as well as her well being! We have gone for periods of time when we did not get along and also for a while my mother did not trust him with knowing about her finances and only discussed it with me. That is not my strong suit at all and he’s good at it so basically I’m the one who first pushed her to let him do that. I was not comfortable with him having that knowledge and power but I also knew I couldn’t handle it on top of everything else. In a recent meeting with the lawyer I also requested he be the executor rather than both of us.
Anyway, I have felt the stress of not getting along with the sibling with POA while I was doing the regular care and I do believe that you should have it in that case. I am lucky that my brother and I have resolved our issues and respect what the other is doing. Good luck with it all!
Nursing home best bet. You will not be compensated for your sacrifices
I am actually surprised that with POA your sister did not insist on your dad moving to AL. With a discharge from the hospital then a fall while under your care she might have pushed it.
POA is not effective unless your dad is not competent or can not make decisions for himself.
At this point if he is competent he can make sure YOUR name is on all his medical paperwork so that the doctors can discuss information with you and as long as he wishes you can help make decisions with him (as long as he is competent) Your sister with POA would not be able to get information from medical staff UNLESS her name is on HIPAA forms as well (until the POA is active).
Do you continue to work or stay and care for dad?
How old are you? If you have a retirement fund that is sufficient and you can begin to take Social Security then the choice is yours. If you do not have a retirement nest egg, if you have no other means of income other than what dad will pay you then you are better off continuing to work. If you chose to remain at home I would make sure that taxes are being taken out of the pay you are getting and that you are credited for Social Security. You will need that eventually. If you do not have retirement income, no savings, not enough to draw Social Security later who will support you? Who will pay for your care when you need it?
I agree and yes, I have been taking him to all of his visits for over 4 years now. I am very close to his doctors. I am on all of his medical bills and even his insurance files to get information. Dad agreed to the change of fthe POA when she started to act really weird in the nursing home. But, once discussed with the POA, she totally got angry and hurt. She yelled and said that I am trying to get the house. After that dad feels that he was pressured and told her he wont change the will. I wanted to stay home with him and get paid what I make every 2 weeks. I make a little over a 1,000 every 2 weeks. It is a lot less that paying a facility to come to the house. But, my dad insisted that I keep working. I told him we need care for him when Iam at work if you do not want to pay me, you need to pay someone. I think he thought I was going to keep doing the same thing. Work , Work, and more work. I told him that he cant stay nome a lone anymore and that it could be considered neglect if I dont get him the proper care. I am 51 years old.
I am very sad! If fact, if they come over now, I do not go and visit like I used too. I feel very uncomfterable around my older sister. My younger sister comes once every 2 months.
yes! I was flabergased at her behavior. I asked her to stop yelling at him or leave. She said she dont have to leave. I felt so sad for dad. He said he wouldnt change the will. We will talk to a lawyer.
I do not hear this enough in my life. My dad would do the will change, however, when my sister found out she was very angry. Dad does not want to upset her, so it looks like Ill be kicked out , house sold, and bills paid to the nursing home.