My mother is 83 and in good health. Mild cognitive decline but still pretty sharp. She and her husband are constantly talking about how I should move in or have them move in with me whenever they get to the age that they’re not able to care for themselves in their home. I have told them I have no intention of doing either. Then they say “well please promise to never put us in a nursing home”. That’s not a promise I can make. I cannot predict the future and their health. I hope they can live their lives independently right up until the end but things happen and circumstances change. How can I make this clear to them without sounding harsh or uncaring?My husband and I plan to retire in 4 years (we’ll be 62) and hope to travel and enjoy our retirement not become full time caregivers. My mom and her husband have already enjoyed their retirement and traveling when they were my age. I think it’s unfair of them to expect this from me.
They could go to a continuum of care facility now. These retirement places are wonderful; friends of mine were grateful that this opportunity exists, and they benefitted from it. They bought a house/villa at the facility where they lived independently and loved the neighborhood where everyone was of a similar age. They could cook at home or eat in the restaurant-style dining room 3 meals a day. All handyman and yard services were provided as well as weekly housekeeping and laundry. The next step up would have been assisted living together in their own apartment in the main building, but he became ill and went to memory care in that building. She was able to stay in their villa after he passed, but then when she needed more care, she went into assisted living. That's only one example of several that I know. Their only huge decision was to move there in the first place. The rest all came about naturally in a familiar place with familiar help and their dear friends from the community nearby.
I'm generally for honesty in all things, but in the case of demanding parents (and mine were), I'm not.
Also nursing homes today are not what your parents may remember from visiting old Aunt Gussie long ago. I fear you would never convince them of that, so silently you plan what you will really do, and then when the time comes, you do it.
"I can promise to help make sure you get the appropriate care" which can mean a facility at some point, and "I will need you to do all of the necessary paperwork and other things to make that an option. Let's talk about what you want for the future."
I wouldn't get into the DNR stuff at that moment, either, although they often go hand in hand. For some parents that's a deal breaker that kills any further conversation.
You'll have to decide if you want to have this conversation when they bring up this promise or not. I might, now that it's been brought up, wait for a time when everyone is fed, rested and not upset about anything else, and then bring it up myself. You also have to decide what you do want to handle for them and what you don't. Maybe you don't want to be POA or handle anything at all. It's best they know this now.
Tell them that you'll promise to never put them in a facility if they promise to pay whatever it takes to keep them in their home: aids, maintenance, labor, medical transport, etc and a person to do all this management (not you). FYI this can eventually cost more than a good facility. They must show you they have the funds to pull this off.
They must also have all their legal ducks in a row, and assign you (or someone) as their DPoA and cooperate with the management of such an arrangement. This is what I remind my Mom (96) is the condition of her staying outside of a facility. The other condition is that I'm not overwhelmed by the management of her living in her home (I live next door to her) or that keeping her home becomes unsafe.
Not once did my parents say that I was going to be caring for them in their old age. They allowed their children to leave the nest and live their lives. Mom took care of Dad till his death at 79 she was 78. Her living with me was a last minute decision that lasted 20 months. When the money was available, she went into AL. When she ran out, she went to a nice LTC. By that time her Dementia was going into the last stage. She passed at 89. I have cared for 2 children and helped with 2 grandchildren and then my Mom. The only other person I will care for is my husband and I have not promised him that I won't place him. We r 79 and 76 and I will do my best to keep him home but no guarentee.
Not promises. Follow with, “But if it is necessary, which nursing homes do you like the best?”
Thankfully, my mom only made me “promise” in regard to one specific nursing home. Of course, she was still furious at me when I moved her into the lovely assisted living *she had chosen*.
And to answer your question , my mother tried to get me to leave my family , move in with her and promise never to put her in a nursing home. Mom went to Assisted Living beyond angry . It was the right decision . I could never have lived with my mother.
BTW my parents didn’t take care of their parents either , so I really don’t get why they get this idea in their heads .
I remember telling my Dad that when his own mother needed help, she had two sons living in her area, plus their wives, and a gaggle of grandchildren most of driving age. My Mom's parents had five children who lived near by them, plus grandchildren. For me, I was an only child, so it fell on my shoulders alone. Thus, no vacations, no movies, not even dining out never knowing when the phone would ring. Both were fall risks.
Later a serious fall had placed my Mom (late 90's) in a nursing home. There was no way she could have lived at home as she needed professional care, she didn't know where she was, she though she was on vacation and staying in a hotel. Dad eventually went into Independent Living at a senior facility and loved his apartment, especially since he no longer needed to worry about maintaining their house (he sold it).
Eventually Dad transferred to Memory Care in the same complex due to dementia. Oh, when Dad was still living at his house, he had around the clock caregivers, which he really liked. And hubby and I were relieved. If only my Mom would have accepted them, but she didn't want strangers in HER house, touching HER things or cooking for HER husband.
It was not well received but it had to be said. And the two of them going into a nursing home is what happened.
It's just best to be upfront and honest with your parents letting them know that while you love them both very much that you will not be their caregiving plan in the future, but that you will be happy to come visit them if they should end up in a care facility.
I find it so incredibly selfish of any parent that expects their children to give up their lives to care for them as they age. If they truly loved their children they would never want that for them. I'm just saying.