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I am a caregiver for my husband who has dementia. He works in the yard and enjoys it very much. Over the past years he has immaculately cared for our lawn. Now he sees things differently. He wants to remove a beautiful landscaping and put in ugly rock that matches noting. How do I handle this. I have tried telling him that it will look bad but that makes him angry. The other problem is I have to do the heavy work for him

You need to talk to his doctor about maybe some meds to calm him. Do you have POA? Do you have plans for what will happen when he gets worse?
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Reply to JustAnon
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I'm sorry, I know this isn't a laughing matter, but your last line made me laugh.

The "obvious" answer is to stop doing the heavy work for him!

Have you tried talking with him to understand why he wants to make this change?
It could be he's thinking of a drought friendly yard.
Or, he may understand that he's not going to be able to keep this up much longer, but doesn't really want to acknowledge that he's slowing down.

By all means, stop doing the heavy work, which neither one of you should do. Hire a Good, qualified landscaper, with references, and take a look at yards they have worked on to find someone who will take care of your yard as immaculately as your husband has for all these years.

You can't really win an argument with someone with dementia. I think in this case, you just have to take over the decision, which he may object to, but in time he may come around and see that you lovingly chose to give him the yard he loves, without the burden of doing the upkeep.
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Reply to CaringWifeAZ
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My dad’s behaviors leading up to when he was diagnosed with frontotemporal dementia included suddenly spending huge amounts on a contractor who put “improvements” in the yard that my mom did not agree with, and a lot of shenanigans with disconnecting and tangling hoses, watering the driveway but ignoring the plants, or pulling up a whole lot of newly planted flowers and vegetables that my mom had put in. He also became obsessed with pulling vines off trees and fences, it only in their yard, but he would go into neighbors yards to do that too. By the time he was diagnosed, he was digging holes all over the yard in the middle of the night for no reason, climbing on the roof wearing next to nothing in the middle of the night, and spending 8 hours at a time on his hands and knees, arranging pine needles into straight rows. He did a lot of other crazy and dangerous things not yard-related as well, including crazy stuff with money and wrecking the car after a lifetime perfect driving record.

I agree with other advice given. Find an external authority who forbids whatever the problem behavior is. Take control of your finances and cut off his access to them if this is an issue. Lock up the yard tools, ladders, etc. And definitely report it to his neurologist as he probably needs calming meds. If he’s anything like my dad, these irrational behaviors, obsessions, and anger are going to get worse before they get better. Sorry to be so blunt about it. But you need to take charge — but not by confronting him or arguing with him or saying no.

When they moved near me I hired a lawn service for them and he would go running out to tell them to leave. It can be really difficult living with someone with dementia. Best wishes to you.
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Reply to Suzy23
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MG8522 Jun 21, 2026
FTD is just horrendous. The behavior can be just shocking because it's so reckless and irrational.
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Tell him the new HOA that just came on board forbids any changes to the current landscape. That you'll be fined $1000 if you replace anything. Period.

Best of luck to you.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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Just refuse to do the heavy work, so that it won’t be done. Also, since he is developing anger issues, ask his doctor right away for medication to calm him down. Unfortunately this can escalate with dementia, but medications can be very effective. You need to protect both him and yourself.
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Reply to MG8522
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Don’t tell him anything. He’s sadly lost the ability to reason and can’t make good decisions anymore. Arguing with him will only frustrate you both. Talk to his doctor about his need for medicine to calm his agitation. Hire a lawn service company for the yard work and get rid of your lawn care equipment. You’re in a new place now, you’ll have to make decisions in both of your best interests without discussion or explanation. Check into adult day programs for people with dementia to keep him busy and give you some time to yourself. Get him used to accepting care and help from others. I wish you both peace
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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CaringWifeAZ Jun 20, 2026
Daughter, I like the way you explain the wife having to make decisions now in their best interest without discussion or explanation. That's exactly right.
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Have a relative friend or caregiver take her away for a day and do whatever yard work needs done. Cut down trees, shrubs, haul away junk, whatever. Stop being held hostage by an emotionally immature parent or one with dementia. Make sure all the stuff gets done. Don’t ask permission, just Do. Permission will never come. You just lobbed the grenade You feared and it’s okay. You are asserting your independence and it will be hard and exhilarating. When she comes back and tries to pitch some fit, you say, I’m doing what I think is best for all of us. I think it looks nice. That’s it. Stand up. Don’t discuss. Next step, I think it will be much less stressful for you to live in assisted living or hire Jane as caregiver because that will help me and you. Never back down, never discuss. Just do what you know needs doing. It will be hard enough.
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Reply to Beethoven13
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Simple! Refuse to do the heavy work. You're his wife and caregiver, not a heavy laborer.

Never argue with a person who has dementia. He's lost the ability to reason, and it won't do any good. You're accustomed to following his orders, but you don't have to. Time for adopting a new outlook and setting new boundaries for your new situation. You can do it! I wish you luck.

Ask his doctor for meds to calm him down. He doesn't have to know what they're for.
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Reply to Fawnby
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I am 60, I am the sole family caregiver for my 88 year old mom. We need yard work I cannot do myself. We have a lawn guy who can do it, and mom has some money we can do a little at a time. But mom refuses to cut down trees that grow from nothing on their own and interfere in other landscaping, and make the property look bad. I beg her to have stuff done, and mom refuses. She says when she dies I can do whatever I want.
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Reply to JamesG4Justice
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