So here goes, my 88 yo MIL broke her hip in November 17, we moved in with her as she had been told several times before break she could not live alone. She has been in mental decline now for about 6 years, she stopped going to church, stopped all outside activities, stopped crafting etc, insurance stopped insuring due to multiple accidents. Has not been able to drive for a very long time, last time I rode with her was about 7 years ago and she wouldn’t recognize stop lights etc. but just has stopped driving when insurance refused to insure. Now she is letting her homeowners laps, she can not distinguish bills from ads thinks she has 7 different insurance companies, and it’s all just ads and didn’t and refuses to pay the one she has. She does not understand her bank statements, she thinks she’s broke, and she is trying to cause some serious financial harm to herself due to fees and taxes.
Her geriatric put her on aricept, but says she does not have Dementia or Alzheimer’s???? But ordered hospice??? Sadly she has always been Narcissistic and she is absolutely mean and horrible to my husband and I, constantly lies says we neglect her we don’t feed her we are stealing from and the list goes on and on. Any excuse she can come with to try to have us removed. She has so many signs of mixed Dementia but no diagnosis, my husband does have a DPOA but it’s useless on stopping her from financial harm in AL (Alabama), we have learned it’s a very expensive useless piece of paper. What makes this situation worse is doctor basically refuses to diagnose her and we are not getting much help from hospice either with it, because she passes the minis and is fine in front of health care.
The financial harm I’m talking about is not going to cost her a few bucks it’s going to cost her 100s of thousands, she doesn’t need the money but if she makes this mistake because she does not understand her money it is going to put her in a bad financial situation, is there anyway we can get help or advice on how to stop her? Or what can we do to prove she is no longer competent in handling her affairs? She refuses all doctors but the one she has. He will not listen to our concerns or even send her for further evaluation. Between all of this it is seriously taking a toll on my husband and I mentally, physically and emotionally... any advice is greatly appreciated...
Some of the responses to your questions are accurate, but not all of them. It is not true that hospice is not concerned with your loved one and will not write a letter of incompetency. I am a Social Worker for hospice and I have had several letters written for incompetency. I am writing one tomorrow, wrote one last week. Our medical director signs the letter. The letter is written based on the RN Case Manager’s assessment of the patient and the patient’s decline.
It is a myth that all people who come on service for hospice...die. I have had several patients discharged for what is called extended prognosis..they get better. However, the criteria for hospice is that, if the disease is to run its normal course, the patient will pass within six months. This does not always happen. Often times I have seen patients that needed the care hospice provides, regular meals and medical treatment and they get better. Not always. When i speak of regular meals, I mean when they are moved to a skilled nursing facility and they are fed regularly. Sometimes they improve. I have one such patient now who may be coming off service for that reason.
Hope this is helpful.
Although she is on hospice, some hospice will not cover certain curative medications. The fact that she is taking aricept is good. But, it has been my experience that she needs to take namenda along with aricept to get results.
Hope this was hopeful. Write me directly if you need further assistance.
Sounds like MIL has a large estate? What does the will look like? What I'm getting at is if there are other heirs (or does your H inherit all?), then they should also be involved. Or are they waiting around to just pounce once she's died?
MIL ought to be paying the both of you for your caregiving, also.
Is she by herself during the day? Do you both work?
They should be able to help you out with a lot of these questions
Dementia does not affect all abilities all at once, and is different for every person.
And most doctors do not know how to deal with dementia!
Why would you even consider spending your retirement money for her care? Whose idea was that? File for Medicaid. I don’t remember if Hubby has POA, but if he does, find yourselves a nice apartment, move out and sell her house. She can be Self-pay/Medicaid pending until then. She is paying you. You have the privilege of living with her and of taking her abuse. You collect your wages in misery.
Why have you both not insisted on being told why she is in hospice? Why has your husband not stepped up and demonstrated who (should be) in charge here? Why is he more loyal to a dead man than to his living wife? Why does it look as if you are willingly taking on the management of this situation with someone else's mother and then tolerate being insulted? Are you an eldest child who always has been the one to look out for others in the family? Why do you feel the need/obligation to cater to a mean narcissist?
Why have you both not just found another doctor for MIL? I would choose a female doctor, one who is taller than mil, very self-assured, and who really understands dementia. ( Or a good looking large gentle male--but he needs plenty of diplomas on his wall) Take mil to see this new doc. You don't have to tell her where you are taking her and since she doesnt have her own wheels she will just have to deal with it all. When she shows her condition by her behaviour, you should get the evals you want.
(You might also tell mommy dearest that you are keeping notes and plan to write a book about her--- and see what changes that brings about).
(I'd like to know how the dishonest people manage to scam old folks and walk away, while the responsible family members are stopped from doing the right thing by legislators who are either ignorant -- or complicit in the frauds-- and by the various parts of the medical/human services community not communicating with each other. {You see what I did with words there! } But I'm too tired myself to really investigate these issues).
At some point, your husband has to take control, IMO. What can she do, disown him? As it's going he will be the same as disowned, anyway. And your own relationship will suffer, as well as your financials. You need to care yourselves or both of you will break.
I have a situation of my own to deal with and every friend tells me to take care of myself first. I finally decided that they are right, that the pain I'm going through is just hurting me and not helping solve the issues with my loved one. So the first step has been making up my mind to save my own life. Think about that, will you. (Of course this person I love is not a member of my or my late husband's family).
My wish for you is that you put your own sanity and health above the need to care for someone who doesn't like you and thinks she doesn't want your help. Demented or not, that should tell you how she feels about the woman who married her husband. This is a bag of wiggling worms and a short vacation at a nice spa (with hubby taking over all your chores for a few days) should give you a chance to put it all in perspective and come up with a plan to deal with the chaos.
Wishing you a new saner life with a husband who appreciates all you've done to keep HIS promise.
You don't care about the will, don't care about being paid, yet you are concerned with eventually having to pay for a nursing home?
What's going to happen is that as MIL needs more and more help, you will be expected to provide more and more help. Are you up to that? Do you realize that up to 40% of caregivers die before their charges?
Does your husband care? Or is he going to step up and wipe MIL's butt, get up with her throughout the night, tolerate the UTTER CHAOS that could easily become your life with an elder with dementia? All because of a promise made to an old man on his deathbed?
Hmmm...
You cannot be held responsible for payment of Moms care in a NH.
My mom’s also narcissist, controlling, 97-years-old, very similar to yours. Could not do banking, understand her mail, saved every piece because it might be important (ads, etc.), wanted to donate to all these money-grabbing organizations, etc. All these people who say “find another doc” don’t know how hard that can be when your mother has been seeing the same two docs for 30 years and are the only docs in her little town. I finally made an appointment w/ her doc to see if she had a UTI. In her office, she went to pee in the cup and missed so there wasn’t enough for them to test. Doc then sent her to ER to have urinalysis done. THERE, I got to talk to different docs and tell them she needs a dementia workup, and gave them examples of her most frightening behaviors. She’s one of those who always pulls it together in front of “new” people, so she was sitting in the bed chatting away, asking why they weren’t sending her home yet, etc., and I told the docs in front of her that she has gone outside in the dark 3 or 4 times looking for me because she’s convinced that I’m laying in the street, and I don’t even live in that town. She got angry, called me a liar, told the docs I’ve been lying for years, etc. She was all jazzed up about it in defense of herself, so I threw in another one that I had not mentioned before: “what about the secret door in your closet that other tenants can use to get into your apartment?” She got madder and said, “You have not seen my closet or that door!” I looked at the doc and said, “I’ve been hanging up her clothes in that closet for 10 years, there is no door.” That’s when they ordered the workup. Eventual diagnosis, Moderate Neurocognitive Disorder (dementia).
There are multiple levels of financial control and powers if decision making beyond declaring "this person is a vegetable." In most states you just petition a local judge who takes one look at MIL and shakes their head then grants you what you need. Doctors are typically scared of everythong because they live their whole lives in the shadow of malpractice, even putting their houses in a spouse's name to avoid losing their home in a suit so they will hem and haw about big decisions.
Lawyers just do their thing. Find a family law lawyer right away.
Rresearch State Law!
Go to Court. You can represent yourself, but a Fiduciary will be appointed for Mom.
Get all of your ducks in a row and GO FOR IT
The word salad, the obstinance, the meanness, etc.
Narcissistic personality disorder does not render someone incapable of making competent well informed decisions in the eyes of the law.
If she does not show true signs of dementia or Alzheimers, the doctor will be risking his license by claiming she does have those disorders, if she does not.
He/she also is open to being sued.
Many doctors have witnessed family members who attempt to deem a parent incompetent as a way to get control of their finances and engage in financial fraud.
Often these people want POA so they can put bank accounts and other funds in joint name as a way to shut out siblings.
If their is later a will contest the doctor will be liable if he claims your mother is incompetent without proof positive.
You will need to get several other opinions.
Still, judge may not declare her incompetent, if only some doctors claim she is incompetent and others do not.
So unless you can get all the doctors to agree she is incompetent, you may have an uphill battle.
2. Have an advocate come to the house to assess her condition(s). If you don't do it and someone in the family or friend sees what is going on....they can report you to APS
3. CHANGE HER DOCTOR! Take her to a specialist. My Mom's former doctor specialized in Diabete Alzheimer's 3. I never heard about this form of Alzheimer's until this past April!
4. "TALK" with an attorney who also specializes with issues like this so you can go to Court and your husband can become her guardian/conservator.
MAKE SURE THAT THE ATTORNEY'S PRACTICE DOES AT LEAST 75% OF ELDER LAW...NOT FAMILY....ELDER!
5. Once the appointment is made, your husband will have the power to do what needs to be done
6. CAUTION...YOU WILL RESPONSIBLE TO THE COURT FOR EVERY DECISION MADE AND THAT INCLUDES ANY ADVICE THE ATTORNEY GIVES. YES, THEY CAN BE SHADY TOO
7. IF the DPOA STATES your husband has the ability to act in her stead, he has been given permission from his Mother to do so and it should be recognized as such.
8. Get to the bank, get the DPOA on file, have the account changed over to a POA which will have her name as owner, but husband as POA. That gives him the right to do everything necessary regarding her finances.