I cared for my terminal mother in my home before she passed, a little over 5 years ago. This was one of the best experiences I've ever had, and am grateful to have had the opportunity to provide comfort. My dad was not helpful, and was downright selfish by leaving all the care to me, while he stayed in their home. He even had me make all the arrangements. After her passing, I would pick him up and he would spend the day with me. After dinner I would bring him home. If my husband and I went away, I pre made his meals. Last year he became very sick, and was hospitalized for many months. I was on an emotional rollercoaster, practically living at the hospital and having mini meltdowns. It is a miracle he is alive, and our faith tells us that God has plans. Dad now lives with us, and I find myself very depressed. He is negative, does not try to improve as he should and is a downer. I feel trapped, but remind myself that I prayed for him to be ok......... My husband is wonderful to have no objection with his being here. I have a sister out of state, and of course she is no help. I am always reminding myself that I chose this! I feel so guilty, he is a person for heavens sake.
You can be grateful that somebody did not die before his time and still find his care more than you are able to manage in your own home, you know.
If I ever felt "guilty for feeling bitter," as you put it, I don't recall. I recall feeling bitter. I recall feeling guilty.
It's hard, if not impossible, to not feel one, the other, or both. It's natural, comes with the territory.
You did what you felt was right. If you decide at some point to place him b/c the stress is taking too much of a toll, I'd bet you'd feel guilty about that, too. Also natural.
"...he is a person for heaven's sake...." and we all know people can be a PITA, even our LOs, and we all know caregiver's are humans and subject to real, undesirable yet understandable reactions and feelings.
You are expounding your natural feelings by questioning them, by wondering what kind of person this makes you. Try to give yourself a break.
Concentrate on all you've done, all you're doing, These are good things, compassionate and caring things.
Again, there is nothing wrong, should the time come, to admit your mental and emotional health is in jeopardy, and other arrangements need to be made. You will be less of the caregiver you desire to be if you are not healthy. We can't take care of others, even those in AL or NH, if we aren't taking care of own basic needs.
Hugs.
Think about it. You didn't make a decision that's set in stone for life! Everything is subject to change, including dad's living arrangements.
Good luck!
However, regardless of reasons, do not let him descend further into Senior Brat behaviors, like insulting you, ordering you around, disrupting your plans or playing the tyrant to test your love.
I am very bitter and feel slightly guilty.. I keep telling myself it is due to age..and she is miserable.. hell I am miserable..