my mom is in assisted living but is in bad shape and is experiencing scary hallucinations and paranoia . She is 95. I have zero interest in lasting that long. Everytime I call her or take her to her appointments, visits , pick up and deliver her laundry , etc I feel so depressed. I have no relationship with her like most mother daughters because she was a very unkind parent . I never bonded with her , but I still feel bad for her because she is so stubborn and is refusing to see a doctor for medication for her hallucinations and paranoid delusions . She is bent over , can’t hear unless I get right in her good ear , and has lost most of her vision. No thank you
. She refused mental health help. She complains bitterly about her situation and tells me I will end up like that one day. Well, no. I take care of myself far more than my mother did. I also am saving for my future, something mom bragged about far more than she actually did. Yes, we may go deaf and blind, but we don't have to end up bitter and miserable. That's a choice. I've known people in bad health to be happy and content until the end. I hope to live to 100.
The best one was when she was hours away from passing when I came to see her for the last time. She knew what was happening, was at peace and welcomed it. Maybe she was on some "happy" drug, but I know she never had a fear of death. To her it was more like another adventure.
What I have done, is I have made sure, to the best of my ability, that I will not have to depend on any family member to care for me.
I purchased Long Term Care Insurance while I was caring for my Husband because I did not want to expect the same from family.
I am in a Handicap Assessable house that I purchased after my Husband was diagnosed knowing that I would need it for him eventually. I can age into this home and if needed there is plenty of room for a Live in Caregiver.
I have pre paid for my Funeral and made the arrangements that I want. (I do have to get a refund, they charged me for "hair and make up but it will be closed casket so I see no need for either🤣)
I recently made changes to my Will and changed my POA's and updated the Trust.
I have told my POA for Health that I want no extraordinary measures and I will have a POLST signed next time I am at my Dr.
I am not anxious at all.
Mother was physically good until she was 100. She had life long Borderline Personality Disorder and then developed dementia. She declined and lost mobility as the vascular dementia progressed. The BPD was the worst. Mother did not want drugs for her hallucinations either. She was about 101 then. A psychiatrist put her into a geriatric/ psychiatric hospital, and it took 9 months for them to get her to take the drugs, which helped a lot. She lived to 106.
I don't have that and am good to my family, but who knows what lies ahead. I can only hope that if I develop dementia I don't get too difficult and my kids have some understanding. They know I will go into a facility when I need to.
Geaton, I agree -as long as we have our minds to some degree we can pray even if we can't do much else.
My Mom is 96 and still in denial about the fact that no one gets to stay here forever. The other day she was lamenting her condition so I asked her if she was ready to go. She said yes, then I said, "So, you are a DNR then?" and she got all flustered and said well she wasn't ready *just* yet. Oy vey. How much readier does one need to be? Her sister just passed last year at 105 with all her mind. She kept saying she was beyond ready to go but after her stroke and while she was receiving the morphine and Ativan, I could see what I think was fear in her eyes. She may not have been spiritually ready. This is the prep I need for myself. We all talk a big line about "just take me out back and shoot me if I ever get that bad" but that's not how it ever goes down.
I work on having acceptance about my physical abilities (the decline thereof), my perforating memory, etc. I have to remind myself of what I believe is my Christian mission no matter how old I am. Having this sense of purpose will always be critical to me at any age. If I can't do anything else, if I become blind, deaf and bedridden I can still pray if I have my mind. If I don't -- then it is what it is.
I agree with the fear of treating my children poorly. I tell them all the time that if I get mean they should put me in a facility and not feel guilty about it.
Sorrynotsorry, I wish you wisdom and peace in your heart on this journey with your Mom, and yourself.
I’m hoping not to be . I don’t treat my children badly now . So I have hope of being cooperative . My Mom was a lifelong difficult narcissist then developed dementia .
My grandmother got dementia but was very cooperative .
Let her facility take her to her appointments and do her laundry, as you now have to take care of yourself. And only call her once a week as well if that will help you. Her facility will call you if there is a true emergency.
We're all going to get old if that is God's will for us, but there's no need to be anxious about it, as every day the Good Lord gives us is a gift and is meant to be enjoyed, best we can, so get out there and start enjoying your life as we only get one go round in this world.
For example there are medications that could help your mother so much with the hallucinations and delusions. If she was in memory care, a doctor or nurse practitioner could see her there and prescribe them for her, and the staff would bring them to her instead of her managing them herself. Can the assisted living do her laundry, and take the extra work off your list?
This does sound stressful and depressing. I'm sorry you're dealing with it.