Both of my elderly parents live with my husband and I, both fading (I like to call it) at different rates. It's been 6 years and over this span they've taken over slowly the home space without us realizing it until recently, because it was slow at first. Small things, little increments. over the past few months it's been small boxes (this is going to be for donating) yet sits there for weeks. We have 3 generations living in one home (I also have a mid-functioning autistic daughter). We do have separate spaces we can go to with enough area to not be too confined, we share the living area and the kitchen. It's been good with a few bumps (to be expected with 5 adults) and anyone in the situation would be the same old or young. My issue is the takeover part. I feel like I lost myself. I look around and I see nothing of my own anymore. 2 couches and a hutch. My dad sits there at night and watches the TV, they have their own den with a TV, but my mom complains that he does this or that or makes a mess, so its "her" den. Like she used to have at her house. He's this and that. We have 2 eating areas with tables and a counter to eat at. They have a dinette (they use that daily) and my dining table. She uses her computer and has a puzzle and donation boxes on the chairs (so unusable for a long time now) we eat at the counter (me and husband and daughter.) Also, took over the garage to the point I have to keep moving things back around so my car isn't closed in on. I feel like she hoards and he does also (but he has a storage unit). I've begged and helped donate things, only to see more things come in the home. I'm. at. a. loss, again. They're both 80, spend more time on the computers and screens than we do and they both drink (the 3 of us don't). Yet complain about the price of food and all the other items. I want to keep an open mind, I've tried all the "tricks and tips" I know of. Even offered to rent an RV and go visiting the family for a while, the rest of the siblings and anyone else they want, but they hem and haw about anything they can, especially my mom. My dad rolls his eyes when she's not looking and then wants to well, just not do anything and spend money. Besides pulling out my hair, going on vacation and trying to get one of the other siblings to step in; ANY IDEAS??? Believe me, I'm game for any at this point. I'm ready to sell y home, and move into rent stabilized home for them (oh, she freaks out with "anxiety" with the thought of moving again) once in 20 years and she "can't deal with that". OHHHH, this is a good laugh (not on my account) the "grandma burn" from the 70's show, yeah, that one, well she does that. Mostly to me, and sometimes my kids, I don't think she even realizes it anymore, because it's an automatic response. That backhanded compliment. But the "Are you sure you want to eat that?" or "Do you think you can really do that?" This part isn't new, that has been years. Thanks for listening and any advice will help, Thank you again!
Unless you want to, you that you don’t need to actually move.
Do this before they possibly go into full blown dementia , and this gets worse and you are stuck with them in your house.
Your home is their legal residence so long as they live there. This will make it infinately more difficult to get them out of your house should they need placement in a facility for care . Just read the many half dead caregivers on here stuck in the position of being a caregiver too long . Read other threads about caregivers under the Burn Out topic .
This will not get better , only worse I’m sorry to say . And btw , I would start secretly donating/throwing things out that she’s hoarding . You also need to learn the word “ No” . “ No Mom , you and Dad have your own den to share , your marital problems should not mean I have to give up my TV to Dad.” Get the picture ? Stop letting them rule your home . Don’t make it appealing to them to live with you anymore .
Did they help pay for the house? Are your parent's names on the deed? If so that's a bigger conversation.
Take a vacation with your husband and get a relative to come stay with your mom and dad for that time. When you come back start talking about "fall cleaning" and how things are going to change as the weather changes. Keep it upbeat without accusations. Explain that YOUR den is going to get a redo and their stuff won't be a part of it. Hide the remote where they can't find it and download a remote app on your phone so they can't use the TV. Dump all the donations. The puzzles and her computer go to her den before she gets up tomorrow morning. As others have said set a deadline for the junk to go so you get your garage back.
Do they drive? Who buys the booze? If they can't get to the store to buy booze, stop buying it for them. You can tell them you think it's a bad example for your kid and you have a dry house from now on. Who buys their "junk" they store around the house and in the storage unit? Might be time to chat with the siblings about getting a POA and setting a budget for them. Make sure someone OTHER THAN YOU is in charge of your parent's accounts. You are already the bad guy in dad's eyes. Let another sibling deal with the money and putting them on a budget and saying no to more needless junk being brought home. Wouldn't hurt to start visiting different old age communities and get a list together of possibilities for the time when they need to be moved into one. Also, read the book Boundaries.
You did not sign up for hoarding, complaining, drinking, and crap. Your parents are behaving like entitled senior-brats who think that because they are old they can simply take over their adult child's home and that adult child should be happy to have it.
Oh, hell no, It's time for you and your husband to lay dow the LAW in your home with those two. If they don't like it, you can tell your parents what parents have been telling their kids since man began living indoors.
MY HOUSE. MY RULES.
Your parents don't like it, they can go.
1) Write out your needs – NOT their failings. Their failings just leads to arguments.
2) Make a clear numbered list of options for the future. You’ve put some of them in your question, but it’s not clear enough. Certainly include selling the house, them renting separate accommodation, moving into AL, as well as sorting out the money, who is in charge of decisions like after-hours seating etc etc. The numbered list stops it all from being one huge mess of issues.
3) Agree your numbered list with your husband. He probably isn’t happy either, but it makes less impact on him.
4) Tell your parents that ‘this isn’t working’ the way you expected. Give the parents your list of options for the future. Be prepared for ‘freaking out with anxiety’, ‘can’t deal with that’, etc etc. Make a time for you all to discuss the options on your list, AFTER they have had a chance to think about it. Make sure you keep copies – lists can get torn up!
5) Have the meeting to discuss it all – probably more than one meeting. Make it clear that if you can’t all agree (or you all agree but it doesn’t work out) then YOU own the house and you will decide.
6) Think through the “boundaries you should have had from the beginning”. If they agree to change, you need to have clear boundaries ready to discuss.
I’d suggest that you don’t bring the other siblings into this. Don’t let them bring themselves in quickly, if your parents complain to them. They are sure to be involved eventually, but initially it needs to be between you and the parents. That’s complicated enough!
In the meantime, make it clear which is ‘their space’, which isn’t. Put a lock on the garage door. Take the stuff off your own dining table and chairs and put it on a table in ‘their side’. Consider installing some more doors between areas – and hook-and-eye catches on your side of the doors could be a useful extra!
Good luck!
People born in the 1940s generally feel that the world owes them for trauma that fairly they were too young to remember,
"In the end it is you or them."
Stand your ground. Take back your space.
Nope. Doesn't work that way, as you've sadly found out. And yes, you are being played.
Of course, you see many red flags for dementia. Alcohol use does not go well with dementia. Look it up. Dementia can even be caused by alcohol. Look that up too. And I would not EVER condone parents' drinking in my home when I don't drink myself. Which is the case. But now you're stuck, yuck.
You say, "It’s my parents and I was raised to respect and love and care for them no matter what." Well, they indoctrinated you and groomed you for this. Some parents do that. Here's the good news: Respecting them does not mean you put up with hoarding, drinking, cluttering and crop. Loving them does not mean you can't bring up uncomfortable topics such as "I'm miserable." (What parent would want their child to be miserable?) Caring for them does not mean it has to be in your house. It can be in a nice care facility where professional caregivers know how to handle their crop. Where they have their own apartment that is cleaned by the employees, and snacks and meals, none cooked by you or your parents. Your thinking is wrongthought due to your assuming that there's only their way to respect and love and care for them. There are many other ways.
Or you go on doing it their way and stay miserable! It is your choice.
It does not sound like they are hard core alcoholics but I can relate that the nightly drinking of 2 or 3 drinks gets old. You might go to one AlAnon meeting and pickup up the Courage to Change book. It costs around $8.00. The main AlAnon message is BOUNDARIES FOR YOU. You can only change you.
I'd verbally engage less with them.
Move the computer and the puzzle back into her bedroom or her den. Don't verbally tell her what you are doing, just do it. Put some placemats on your dining table and silverware on it. If Mom asks why the computer moved tell her it stays at the new location now.
Tell Dad he will need to watch tv in their den. Tell Dad you and your husband need your den for your private couple time. Hide the tv controller to your den so he does not have access to it.
Does the garage have "things" from them in it? Tell Dad winter is coming and you need the garage emptied of their things. Tell him he has 24 hours to haul his things to his storage unit or else you will haul the "things" to the donation point. After 24 hours haul their things to the donation point.
After the garage is cleared tell Dad "No things allowed in the garage other than the car."
Sit/conversational discussions are not going to be effective. Understand your parents are comfy with the status quo. Use short sentences when you talk to them. Don't babble on and try to be nice.
I like the idea of drawing up the poster and listing house rules.
You are not in charge of their happiness. You can only control your happiness.
(Another AlAnon message.)
I'd suggest a long vacation for you, your husband and your kids.
Good luck to you.
You need to sit them down and remind them the house is yours. They have been given their own space, thats where they need to stay. They seem to be trickling into your area. Sorry, computer goes back to your area. Packages for donation have to be out of the house in 3 days. This would bug me so much. Maybe time for them, if they can afford it, to go to a nice Assisted living. Some have small apts.