My 83 year old mother shows overwhelming favortism to my youngest brother, she screams at me when he is around and he screams at me as well. We grew up in a dysfunctional home and it is still dysfunctional. I recently moved back in my Mom's home but it only lasted a couple of weeks. My Mom still takes care of herself and my brother as well. I'm having a mental issue with the favortism, I do not know how to deal with the issue and it makes my heart bleed that I can not communicate my feelings with her or my brother. This has been going on every since I can remember I do not remember my childhood around 12 years old until now at 59 years old it has always been this way however now she and my brother has become violent and My mother says it's my fault. I need advise and help I don't know what to do.
Why you would have moved back in with your mother to begin with is beyond me.
For your own mental health's sake, please stay away from both of them and get yourself into some much needed therapy.
You at this point in your life owe your mother and brother NOTHING, and neither will ever change, so quit holding out hope. Time to be realistic and know that the only person you can change is yourself, so start today by cutting your ties from your dysfunctional family and move forward towards a more healthy you and life.
I will leave you with one of my very favorite sayings....."Never be a prisoner of your past. It was just a lesson, not a life sentence."
This is what worked for me:
1) Put a lot of distance between you and your Mom and brother. Physical distance. Make a life of your own, be financially stable and proud of it, and don't seek affirmation from them. Don't request or expect financial or emotional assistance from them, now or in the future.
2) When they want you to see you or you see them, thoroughly vet out the reasons before agreeing to anything they say. If you have to hang up on them, do. If your instincts say "no" then believe your instincts. Don't offer your home if they come to visit. Don't let them manipulate you into providing them anything.
3) Seek help of a therapist.
My Mom used to pit my brother and sister against me. She threatened to dis-inherit me. I said "please do." She did, and I didn't care. I went "no contact" for awhile with her and visited my Dad separately from her.
After my Dad died, I later went to "limited contact." When she came to see me, we couldn't be in the same room for more than 2 hours without her irritating me. My brother kept on telling her to stop being such a bully. She denied being a bully. When I was in her city, I never stayed at her house, never took anything she offered, always paid for my own meals, as everything she provided had "strings attached". I never knew when or in what form, the payment would be. I made sure she never used the guilt trip on me. I couldn't even throw trash away in her trash can, as she would dig it out and try to use it against me.
My brother did his time with her during her retirement years. He watched over her, took her places, fixed things around the house, etc. I kept in touch with my mother via my brother. In the meantime, I've built up my finances and my education and totally could give a damn less about her. Whenever she visited, I was always anxious around her and couldn't wait for her to leave.
Yes, my brother got numerous things from my mother. She paid for his car insurance, down payments on real estate, gas money, monthly allowance (yes, he was married), etc. She would throw it in my face. I did not react positively or negatively.
In her early 90s, we had a big "blowup" and I told her that if she didn't respect my rules while she was in my house, then she was no longer welcome. She called my brother and got no sympathy from him. However, her behavior did change toward me to be more respectful.
In her late 90s, beginning of dementia (although we didn't know it at the time), I'm the only one she trusts with her health and finances. I ended up being her primary caregiver for the last 5 years of her life.
So, my advice to you is to quit trying to get affirmation from your Mom or your brother. Do what you can do to become completely independent from them. Be an upstanding member of the community.
You can do it!
Your profile says you care for 92 yo Elbie. ???
You say Mom is 83 and takes care of herself and the family is dysfuctional , she shows favoritism for your brother since you were a child and now she and your brother are violent .
I am happy that you left her home .
Stay away and seek help from a therapist for your mental health. You can start by getting a check up from your PCP . Maybe they can recommend a therapist .
Favortism can happen at any age .
Stay away from abusive family . You can learn to live a better life without them.
Good luck .
Read melody Beatties books, about codependency
It may be 2 steps forward and one step back, but continue to move forward.
Letting go of old habits is so hard, letting go of people you care about is even harder, just remember as much as you care about them, they can't care about you. It's just not in there DNA, I guess you could say. Most of the time there is no good reason and you did nothing wrong. The only thing you did wrong was being there for people that will never be there for you. Blood or no blood
You have years of brain washing to over come. You can't just over come it with our help. Today you made the first step in getting that help. So keep stepping forward.
One of the things that was hard for me when I started therapy was admitting I was mentally abused. I don't know why, because it shouldn't be, but you can't turn your life around without admitting it . The other thing that's been hard for me was asking for help. Admitting you need help, because so many times in my life I was disappointed because the people I thought cared where not the ones that would help me. So I learned not to ask for help, I didn't feel like anyone would be there for me.
But we are here for you. Take the suggestion that people have given you that you like and ask more anytime.
Best of luck to you my friend
See All Answers