Went from having a caregiver 4 hours a day to 24-hour private care which is a fortune, but she is home. She was walking with a walker and after a UTI and COVID, is now in bed with limited mobility. We just got a hoyer to help put her in a recliner. Not sure how to handle the mental health part of all this. She is given Xanax which helps a lot in those moments. We are very involved in her care, maybe to or fault, but we want to keep her at home in her own environment. She was on antidepressants and was having crazy dreams so we took her off. Anyone with similar situation?
If she has dementia, the only way to deal with her constant laments about dying will be to redirect the conversation, or ignore it (as in walking out of the room). Medication is the only other option if you can find the right one at the right dosage, which may take some experimenting as her body gets accustomed to it.
If she doesn't have a diagnosis of dementia, then there is still medication for depression, and giving her assurances and to help her count her blessings (she is at home with family receiving great care, etc.)
Please don't discount a good quality facility. This morning my 100-yr old Auntie (with whom I lived with the first 20 years of my life) passed away peacefully in her sleep at the rehab facility she was in after falling and breaking her hip in December. She had advanced dementia. She had never lived apart from her older sister except for 2 years, so we were very worried how she would fare. Well, she did just fine! And your Mom may benefit from the socialization and care given in a good place. It will actually cost less than 24/7 in-home care. Many people remember the "bad old" nursing homes, but they are much different today. Just saying to keep it tucked away as an option.
And back off a bit on being involved in her care "to a fault"..... she could be vying for your attention by dying 24/7 as my mother was. The woman was "dying" since I was 4 years old, and lived to be 95+. Too bad I had so many stomachaches as a result of her histrionics.
Best of luck.
She's also been on something since the 1970's. Been using the same benzo for about the last 15 years.
You did good getting her off the anti-depressants if they weren't agreeing with her and causing crazy dreams.
I'm going to level with you though. There's nothing that you or anyone else can do to help your mother's mental health if she isn't willing to try and help herself. For years I tried everything to help my mother. Took her every doctor and tied up my life with her drama. She never wanted her mental health to improve. She enjoys the negativity and misery. She likes to be "dying". I know this because she's been at it for over 40 years.
You say you're very involved in her care to a fault. Back off some. Don't jump through hoops for her and do not cater to demands. Even if she has dementia, do not wait on her hand and foot. When she's getting hysterical and working herself up, don't go running in to calm her down.
This might sound harsh to you, but believe me you'll be doing her a favor. Protect any level of independence even if it's the smallest of things like re-learning how to wait patiently for something. Or how to be alone in a room.
I was an in-home caregiver for almost 25 years as my profession and have been dealing with my mother's hysterics and semantics my entire life. Often it's a family member's first instinct to go right in and cater to their LO's wants and demands. Or that they must be right next to them 24 hours a day or hire someone to be.
No. Do not "baby" her either. She is not a baby and that's a disservice to her that will strip away whatever small independence she still has.
Be kind. Be compassionate. If she has dementia try to redirect her when the gloom and doom starts up. Or ignore her when it does and leave the room.
Your mother like mine must be forced to do for herself in whatever ways she can. Any level of independence must be encouraged and preseved.
She has to want to improve her own mental health. If she doesn't there's nothing anyone or any med can do.
My friend’s mom is this way. If I share good news with her, she will go out of her way to share horrible news with me.
They actually seem to enjoy misery!
Previously it would be:
They are making movies out of _____ book series. They won't get to them all before I'm dead/in my life time.
Ohhhh that's a new building. They won't ever finish it before I'm dead.
There's a quilt show in ____ town you better take me cause it won't come back to ____ town in my lifetime.
Currently
Ohhh they've closed part of this highway, they won't finish it before I'm in the ground.
They are supposed to have "new store" finished by March pity it isn't open now so you can take me..... I'll be dead before March.
Are you going to get new sheets with the money I gave you for birthday/Chirstmas or wait till I'm dead.
Check your watch
”I’m waiting…”
This is of course if she’s just being a drama queen and doesn’t have something like dementia.
Oh, the drama! The manipulation! I was very young when this started, and I didn't know anything other than my mother was going to die. Maybe soon, while I was at school. I wish I'd understood that she was unstable much earlier. It didn't occur to me until my late teens. I wish I'd worried a lot less and taken more time coming home from school every day.
In other words, don't give your mom so much attention over this. She may be dying for real, but she's also probably playing you. Mine was; she loved hearing that I didn't want her to die or seeing it in the expression on my face. Get less involved in the mind games. Joke your mom along. When she says she's dying, say, "I hope you're not planning that today because we have a date for Wheel of Fortune at xx o'clock." Or, "Not on my watch! I've got other things to do!" I told my mom one time, "Well, you've been saying that for 20 years, and you haven't done it yet." She was miffed but stopped dying for a while.
If your mom has dementia, accept that her brain is sick and she may be caught in a loop. Next week it could be something else, like, "When are we going to get a rabbit?"
Or maybe your mom is just a Gemini. Check her horoscope.
Antidepressants can cause crazy dreams, but they usually lessen with time. Also, she may just need a different one.
Any heart issues? That can bring panic & 'think they are dying' feeling.
You know her best - if long standing drama lover or not.
If new sudden symptoms, see the Doc.
The people that I have known who continually claimed to be dying were the people that are still living or lived a very long life!
My friend’s mother tells me that she is ‘dying’ every single time I see her. She’s in her late 80’s and going strong!
I am so tired of hearing her say this, so I respond with, “Are you kidding me? You will most likely outlive me!”
She absolutely hates my response. She wants someone to feel sorry for her for awhile. If she were truly dying I would have empathy. I know that she is only looking for sympathy.
I feel more sympathy for my friend who has to hear this ‘dying’ act from her mother on a regular basis. At least she lives next door and not in the same house with her mom.