Our family is navigating how to best supporting for my wife's parents along with her siblings. I've been frustrated by the lack of good tools/apps to help. I know how to build software, and keep thinking I should build something to help people in our position. I don't think we're alone! If this is you, could you help me understand your biggest pain-points?
There are some common problems I'm hearing... those are in CAPS below.
Below each problem are proposed solutions.
A few questions:
1. Are these problems that you have?
2. Am I on the right track with the proposed solutions?
3. If I have to start by only solving one of these, which one should it be?
MY SIBLINGS AND I ARE WILLING TO HELP MY PARENTS, BUT THERE’S NOT A SHARED UNDERSTANDING OF THE FINANCIAL NEED OR A SIMPLE WAY TO FEEL LIKE WE’RE ON THE SAME PAGE IN SOLVING IT.
Potential solutions:
- Online-banking-like platform gives everyone a financial dashboard with various levels of visibility customized to the parent and primary caregiver/POA’s preferences
- Family members can see upcoming expenses, contribute to the cushion for day-to-day expenses and/or longer term savings goals.
I’M STRUGGLING TO GET MY SIBLINGS TO TAKE MY PARENT'S FINANCIAL SHORTCOMINGS SERIOUSLY AND CONTRIBUTE TO COVER THE NEEDS.
Potential solutions:
- Easy way to set up matching contributions—You’ll contribute more if your siblings contribute more to living costs or future savings.
- Bill forecasting for all siblings to understand when expenses are about to exceed balance in accounts.
I DON'T KNOW IF MY PARENT'S BILLS ARE GETTING PAID.
Potential solution:
- Bank transaction monitoring to alert you when a regular monthly expense hasn’t posted by the expected date.
I WANT TO CONTRIBUTE WITHOUT ENCOURAGING UNWISE SPENDING
Potential solutions:
- Separate account specific to bills, managed by caregiving children—easy contribution mechanism for anyone in the family who wants to help with living expenses.
- Ability to designate that funds contributed can only be spent on designated merchant categories (groceries, gas, etc.)
MY PARENT'S ARE SUSCEPTIBLE TO FRAUD.
Potential solutions:
- Active fraud monitoring on account, with push notifications to caregiving children when there’s suspicious activity.
- Credit monitoring with push notifications to caregiving children if there are any drops in score.
- Limited debit card for elderly parent—certain merchant categories restricted (sweepstakes, telemarketers, online gambling, etc.)
I’M THE LOCAL CAREGIVER AND MY SIBLINGS DON’T REALIZE HOW MANY EXPENSES I’M COVERING.
Potential solutions:
- Special debit card for local caregiver—linked to the account into which siblings can contribute.
- Local caregiver receipt capture tool for increased accountability
- Option for uploaded expense to trigger auto-contribute from other siblings to help cover a percentage according to rules customized by each sibling.
AS AN EXTENDED FAMILY, WE DON’T HAVE A GOOD WAY TO ANTICIPATE AND WORK TOWARD SHARED SAVINGS GOALS LIKE PARENT’S END-OF-LIFE OR MOVING COSTS.
Potential solutions:
- Shared “Savings Goal” accounts with customizable target amount and purpose. For example, the whole family can see the status of the goal “Travel for next Christmas” or “Move Mom to Condo” and chip in to help reach the goal.
- Elderly parents wouldn’t have access to withdraw from shared goals directly, but maybe certain goals could be set to automatically cover specific types of expenses.
I CAN’T FIND A DEFINITIVE ROADMAP TO HELP ME NAVIGATE BEST PRACTICES IN FINANCIAL AND ESTATE PLANNING.
Potential solutions:
- Interactive, data-driven platform walks you through a personalized checklist tailored to your situation—establishing POA, adding account beneficiaries, probate avoidance measures, and everything in between.
- On demand, in-app, video-conferencing consultation with licensed legal/financial planning professionals is available along the way.
Thanks again in advance for your insights!
1. First, I think you and your wife need to assess who REALLY will help; it's not a criticism of members, just know who you're dealing with. If the in-laws need emergency medical assistance, which ones are more likely to drop what they're doing and go to the ER? You need to factor in who can be relied on and who can't, especially before sharing financial data.
2. In my situation, I anticipated that reluctance, and it occurred. Help was only nominally, unavailable when I needed it the most. That attitude was indicative of future nonparticipation, but demands.
3. I knew that death would prompt this individual to become active and "involved." So I planned answers and actions to conform enough to meet my legal obligations as Successor Trustee, but nothing more. What I got was prying, manipulation, totally unreasonable suggestions, and a clearer indication of the fact that $$$$ were the only thing this person saw.
4. At one point I had to make it clear that this person would NOT be involved in any post-death activity, decisions and certain financial aspects.
This is something to consider now. Who can you rely on now and in the future? And what are the downfalls of providing financial information to that individual?
I would suggest a private assessment of your relatives, who you think will participate and who won't, and plan accordingly, relying primarily on yourself and/or your wife. You might also search here for similar situations; others have gone through hell with demanding but uncooperative relatives.
You have a very proactive, contemporary approach. I took an old fashioned one, not using any tech devices to share information. In retrospect it was a fortuitous decision. Given the status of online security, the last thing I would put online is personal and/or financial information, especially an older person, and make it available to multiple people.
I see the value of software for sharing; that assumes though that the information won't be used to further someone else's agenda. I think you need to personally address your first two categories, and determine who REALLY is going to help and who is just going to review the data and offer suggestions, or criticisms.
It's not my intent to infer negative attitudes in your family, but caregiving, especially the hands-on and financial aspects, tends to bring out unforeseen characteristics. Many others here have experienced similar situations. How will you handle any sibling's refusal to participate?
I would also focus NOW on legal issues: complete estate planning. You'll need this one way or the other; best to do it sooner than later.
That may bring out characteristics of the family members so you can better address how much info should be shared with them.
W/o sounding critical, I would think whether or not others will understand your level of technological approach. E.g.,
"Interactive, data-driven platform walks you through a personalized checklist tailored to your situation—establishing POA, adding account beneficiaries, probate avoidance measures, and everything in between." and
"Active fraud monitoring on account, with push notifications to caregiving children when there’s suspicious activity." I had to Google "push notifications" to figure out what you're referring to. Would other family members need to do the same?
I think you singularly could create a CPM for a nuclear power plant, but dealing with family, especially during emotional situations, benefits from a KISS approach.
I am impressed, though, very much so, and am also interested in what you finally decide.
Some ideas:
-set utilities and recurring expenses up for auto debit - this way, you know the bills are paid each monthly without any need to monitor
-a friend of mine and her siblings made payments on account to the gas company during the winter when they knew the parents' bill would be high
-sign them up for Life Lock or similar credit monitoring service
-software like Quicken and YNAB is already set up for things like savings goals. The bank info can be automatically downloaded, you set up categories, can print reports.
-a lot can be done with simple spreadsheets that can be sent to siblings.
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In some families, everyone is nice and gets along and will help each other. In some, a child might try to steal from the parent. And in others, a parent might try to take advantage of a child.
When you are dealing with a family things are very complicated. For starters, I know of very few families today who have any slight ability to spare financially and time wise enough to put aside for the know or unknown needs of elderly parents.
They are in all individuals or units with their OWN distinct needs. Some are married. Have families and want a spouse at home. Have children. Need to save for college and their own retirement. Want vacations. Like clothes. Some are young and are finishing school. Want a year in Europe. And on and on. Some are nice and giving. Some are selfish and uncaring.
There is almost no way on this good earth to get an amount of even cash agreed to and contributed without one being resentful of another, without one wanting to control when and how and how much is spent.
Families are not a business. When you have a business you have a corporate structure so that there is someone in charge saying what will be done, how it will be done and when. Or, you know. You're fired. Then someone new is hired. That works. This doesn't.
Let's start backwards, just so we get even MORE confused.
INVESTMENT? There IS NO ROADMAP. If there were, we would have found it and we would ALL be rich. There is guessing. That's what we all do.
ANTICIPATED COSTS? Impossible. You cannot know when and what you will need, nor for what. Who will get sick. When. How sick. What will it cost?
YOU ARE THE LOCAL CAREGIVER? Then I wish you luck, because they will LET you be and they won't be interested in what it does to your life. You will be lucky to get a respite. Have you been long on this forum? Because take a look at what people are going through just to try to get an hour off. And yeah, lots of them have families. So far as I can see the families often add more in complications than they do in helping.
PARENTS SUSCEPTIBLE TO FRAUD? Without POA and your handling ALL the finances (I am doing that for my bro. No easy task) there is no way to prevent them being frauded.
WISE AND UNWISE SPENDING? NO ONE will allow you to be the judge of what is wise and what is unwise spending. You will not be allowed to make the decision of what is wise and unwise, not by your parents or your siblings.
BILLS GETTING PAID? Unless you handle the bills, trying to find out any other way whether they were paid or unpaid is a full time job.
SHARED UNDERSTANDING? Won't happen. EVER. It is perhaps the most unrealistic goal here. Again, have you not read anything on this forum? Because if you have not, please stick around and see just a few of the problems.
You remind me a little of me, so I can't help but love you. I am a bit OCD. Can't stand that picture that hangs crooked on the wall, that bedskirt that isn't perfectly straight. Drives me nuts. I want to think that if I can think of it, and if I can think of all the solutions to it, I can make it safe for me and for my brother. But you know, just when you think you have a few ideas and a couple of things settled into place, the last batches of hospitalization bills figured out, and you are about to take a rest with a good mystery, you get a call that the hot water tank exploded at his empty trailer. And it's 400 miles away.
I appreciate and admire that you are wanting to be proactive with this issue. I agree with KISS (keep it simple sweetheart!) and others who have already given you great ideas.
The most important caveat in contributing to your parents’ finances is that I would make no monetary contributions unless your parents had no access to their money. Your parents could sabotage the entire wonderfully thought out plan with one money scam or loan. My sister, a CPA, almost had a nervous breakdown trying to handle my parents’ finances for those reasons. My brother took over with similar results until we somehow were able to block their ability to access their money. This, of course, had to be done with their permission, but by this time it was evident even to them that they were going to lose everything unless we could make sure that they couldn’t squander their money. Prior to this point, my sister had to walk them through a bankruptcy in order to save their home, my father’s account had been repeatedly hacked, he bought a truck he could not pay for, and took out a home equity loan (we still don’t know how he did this and where the money went). All of this was done during a time in which one of my siblings was working diligently to provide good financial care. All the spreadsheets in the world will not help if you have someone on the backend sabotaging all your hard work. We did not start contributing financially to their household budget and care until we knew they couldn’t squander it. Neither you nor your siblings should volunteer to fill up a leaky bucket.
Two, not all families are in agreement about supporting parents, nor are all members of a family equally able if willing to contribute.
Three, 'credit' must be given to those who contribute their time. Not just the hands on work, but the planning, appointment booking, follow up etc.
Four, this is an international forum, and even if it was just in the US state laws vary. As well there are professional guidelines for offering financial services. You would have to be very careful with your last point.