Mom passed away, now my sister is living with us. I don't want to be another caregiver. How do I tell her?
I went through H*LL caring for my mother. I was not working at the time, and in the beginning it wasn't bad...but of course got worse as time went on. I had no help whatsoever from my siblings. Mom passed in August, 2013. I started working full-time again in November of that year, and feel like i FINALLY have my own life back.
2 months ago, my sister (the one who lived 2 hours away, yet it was "too far" for her to come visit Mom, let alone volunteer to help care for her) has come to stay with us. She is going through a divorce & had nowhere else to go. Oh - and she was diagnosed with MS last year. Apparently her husband couldn't handle the prospect of caring for her and filed divorce papers...he essentially threw her out & things are getting ugly. I probably can't repeat the names I have called him.
I was asked if she could stay here until things got settled, and until she found a place of her own - I didn't really "want" to, but couldn't have her on the streets, so my husband and I agreed. I had NO IDEA her condition was as bad as it is until she arrived (because, as previously stated, I didn't see her much at all in the past several years). She can't walk without support - she has actually fallen several times since she got here, so I told her to use mom's walker, but she still insists that a cane is "fine" (eyeroll). She cant work. She has no income at the moment, but has filed for Social Security Disability (and as you know that is a process & could take forever). She does NOTHING but sit on the couch and watch TV literally all. day. long. I feel like I have been dumped in the middle of yet another caregiving h*ll, and I just can't do it again.
There is a LOT of anger and resentment leftover from the past, and I just don't know how to get out of this one. I told my husband that once she gets SSDI & I am hoping she will get it sooner rather than later (I believe MS is one of the conditions that qualifies fairly easily...I could be wrong?) we will help her find her own place but I do NOT want her staying here any longer than she has to. Am I a horrible person? I just feel like I'm being taken advantage of, for granted, whatever you want to call it. I told her she needs to file for spousal support - that's the least that SOB can do if he's essentially walking away from her, and that will help pay for her own essentials in the meantime, but so far she hasn't done so because he is still in possession of all of her stuff and she's afraid he won't let her come get it if she files that paperwork. I told her she needs to figure out what she's going to do with it - either retrieve it & put it in storage or whatever, but we don't have room to store it here. Of course then it doesn't get mentioned again...thinking I need to give her a deadline to do so. It'll be 3 months in February since she's come here and I think that's more than enough time to figure things out & get over the shock.
Sorry for rambling..I just feel like I'm between yet another rock & a hard spot. The thought of having to care for another family member (especially one that has burned me so many times in the past) is bringing back all that stress and junk that I finally got over. I need ideas on how to handle this one....
Trying to help her with the divorce as well as maybe some sort of retraining would be valuable. It's quite probable that she was unable to assist you due to her own situation. I agree that playing games all day on Facebook isn't right. Once on SSDI there is some sort of return to work plan where they allow you to try to work. But you have to report earnings to them. It's Kind of like unemployment. Her husband should be forced to pay Alimony yo her as well as provide health insurance while she is still waiting to qualify and probably a good attorney is the best thing you could help with at this time. Also giving her jobs to do around the house, helping her get volunteer work someplace where maybe she could learn a skill but if she can't drive that's another problem. There are all different degrees of MS too. Not everyone can work.
The problem with SSDI is that in order to qualify you can't work. Also if you qualify you aren't eligible for healthcare for two years (Medicare).
I take care of my mom but also helped take care of my dad who had cancer and then moved in with my mom. Now I am extremely prone to depression and anxiety myself.
I lost my job due to neurological problems and what wasn't diagnosed as fibromyalgia until much later on. During my illness my husband threatened to divorce me repeatedly because of this.
He also refused to support me.
Stick with her. Hold her hand. Help her with paperwork, SSDI, her divorce, finding an affordable place to live, finding out what community resources are available to help her, etc etc etc. and through it all, March inexorably toward the goal of her independence. You are not wrong.
So, following that to its logical conclusion, your continuing to support her is actually bad for *her.*
Which means you would not be the cold-hearted one if you showed her the door (having checked first of all, of course, that she has somewhere safe to go). You would simply be the one with your head screwed on straight, and a clear-eyed view of what is likely to be better for her in the long run.
To be her advocate for a second:
she clearly had a lousy marriage, whoever the fault mainly lay with
she has physical ailments, and it would be surprising if they were not aggravated by her mental state
she must feel like crap about herself
she is now engaged in pursuing the self-fulfilling prophesy that nobody, not even her own sister, can stand her; therefore she must be a hopeless case; therefore there is no point in trying; therefore she withdraws into time-wasting diversions/sublimation/whatever you want to call it - and round and round you go.
In your place I'd want to hand this over to professionals. It sounds to me as if the sort of help she needs, perhaps has needed for really an awfully long time, goes much deeper than the generous practical support you have been giving her. I don't think you *can* help her, least of all by enabling. Nothing cold-hearted or selfish about it, she's just too much for family alone.
Caring is not Caregiving please let's not intermingle the two. Those who care give dont ALWAYS care and certainly those who care very often don't caregive.
If you can't, won't don't want to caregive THEN THAT IS FINE - NO JUSTIFICATION NEEDED as for the sibling well in Christian parlance as ye sow so shall ye reap and if her sibling doesnt want to care for her she has only herself to blame
And while we are on the subject to criticse people who come here to vent because they have noone else to vent to is actually unhelpful. Perhaps instead of castigation for our sins (sorry if that sounded tongue in cheek it was meant to - I am not a believer and it is my given right to be that way before someone saysd thats wrong too) it would be more helpful to guide people towards the right path
I learned some years ago that In Michigan, someone can change an address by filing a notice with the Michigan Secretary of State. It was considered a permanent address change, and eviction proceedings were required to get the person out of the house.
Do your homework and get any eviction notice ready if necessary while securing anything that your sister might want if she gets mad when she's either told to leave or served with notice.
I didn't read all the posts but skimmed over them, and it seems to me that she's been given a fair chance but has exploited your generosity without reciprocating. I think you're justified in forcing her to grow up and take charge of her life.
Some people persevere regardless of disabilities; others use them as an excuse to exploit others. I recall a young woman who clearly had cerebral palsy who got on the bus to Detroit at the same station where I boarded. It wasn't easy for her but she struggled through.
I also a nurse with MS who struggled through progressive debilitation yet still continued to work.
And yes, definitely password protect your computer, or remove the electrical cords or disable it somehow so she can't waste time on it.
I too was going to recommend Goodwill for assistance in finding a job. I'm not very familiar with SSDI but I believe that it does allow for a certain level of income even if someone qualifies for it. I recall reading that one of the goals was to assist a disabled person to live a productive life and work, not to penalize them for working.
It is probably going to take a neutral outsider to help you & your sister come up with an exit plan. If it comes from you, it's going to feel like pressure to get out in addition to everything else.
She is in a fragile state of mind (if I had to guess). SO ARE YOU!
It's time for some real honesty to come out, and you deserve to feel your feelings. You deserve some time and space to recover your lost self and life.
Sis, I love you but this isn't going to work indefinitely. I can't live like this.
I want to help you because I love you, but this current rut we're all in is not healthy for any of us.
Good luck out there & come back to tell us how it's going. Even if you need to vent. That is good for the soul. ::hugs::
Now, my oldest brother of next door was suppose to take over in the caring of our aging parents. Dad Gave him the land next door so that he would be able to live close by. When mom got dementia and her doctor had a meeting with us, oldest bro and I were there. The doctor told us that mom's dementia is going to be a long hard road. That this is a time that Everyone must help with her care. Well, let's just say that for the past 23/24 years, it was just me and dad. I have asked over and over for their help. Nothing. Not just with mom's care, but even with maintenance. Nothing. So, we had to pay for an electrician, a plumber, etc... Yet one of mom's sister needs their house re-wired, bro was there to rewire it. For free. This brother was going through some health issues. He was having problem with his children helping him. About 3 years ago, he asked me if I can take care of him. I flat out said, "NO."
What I'm trying to say is that if you truly do not want to caregive your sister, I would stand at that mirror and practice, practice my words. Then, I would tell sister that I have suffered so much caregiving mom, not getting any help from any of you guys, and I almost had a nervous breakdown. I swore to myself that I will never ever go through this again. Never. {Look in her in the eyes when you say this.}
Because you are my sister, I'm willing to help you find housing by helping you to apply for the gov't housing program, etc.... You WILL need another income, therefore, I'd darn well find a divorce lawyer and get alimony. Because I will not be supporting you. You decide what you want in life. But know this, it does not include living here in mine and MY HUSBAND's home. Etc......
FYI, I have problem confronting my elders. But, when oldest bro asked me to take care of him, I had No Problem at all telling him No. I kept wishing for Karma on my siblings. I'm not about to try to stop it. What goes around, comes around....And you know what, mom has passed away 2 years ago. And I'm still struggling to 'forgive' them. Like you said, it's going to be a looooooong time for that to happen.
I'm not surprised your sister is being an ice-cream eating couch potato. I'm not sure I could even summon the energy and motivation to watch t.v. in her position. I feel incredibly sorry for her and I don't even know her. I'm not surprised that you have a sense of growing doom about being stuck with her. BUT.
It's very early days, for one thing. Two months is long enough for the novelty to wear off, granted, but it's not long for her to get straight after her recent separation, face up to her prognosis, and make some extremely important decisions. Play your cards right by actively helping her to make good ones. Good decisions would, by the way, NOT include becoming helplessly dependent on you and your husband.
MS is a horrible disease. That's why there are so many support groups and organisations for people and their families who are affected by it. Get some contacts together for your sister.
Her husband owes her, substantially. He can walk away, if he doesn't mind the world considering him the ultimate low-life, but he can't do it with impunity. Support your sister in getting a fair settlement at the end of this awful process.
There will be lots of things you can do to help. But throughout, not one of them should include the premise that she will be living with you indefinitely. Talk to her, and keep talking. Be gentle, and give it time, and I suspect you'll find that she doesn't want to become a fixture in your home any more than you want her to.
Meanwhile, go out to a forest somewhere, dig a hole, and whisper into it "what goes around comes around." Then fill in the hole. That way you will never be driven to say those words to your sister, no matter how stressful life gets.
Yes, I am sure my sister is depressed - she has been to a doctor (had to apply for Medi-Cal & wait for that, which came through a couple of weeks ago) and that doctor told her all her symptoms are related to the MS & referred her to a neurologist. Waiting for that referral to be approved.
It appears my words were not typed very accurately - I am not saying that I refuse to help her out and get her on her feet, I just CAN NOT and WILL NOT become her caregiver. I will help her get her own place, as mentioned, and get settled, get IHSS, whatever we need to do so she is taken care of. That does NOT translate to abandonment, and that comment was completely uncalled for! Forgiveness, on the other hand, is a long time away - the wounds are too fresh - but obviously I am working on that or she wouldn't be living in my home, right? Am I resentful of the fact that I'm being asked to help her out when she basically flipped me the bird while our mother was alive? YOU BETCHA! But I'm working on that...
In my opinion there is NOTHING wrong with not wanting to be a caregiver - especially when a person has been through it once already and came "this close" to having a nervous breakdown because of it. It was not a good experience, to put it bluntly. If that makes me "selfish" then so be it. I have my children & my grandchildren (another of which is due in March) that I want to spend time with and I should be ABLE to spend time with and enjoy on my days off. To the posters who posted encouraging and helpful responses, thank you.
Purplesushi - your sister is probably depressed. Anybody would be depressed to have their health decline so radically and their spouse dump them at the same time. That's probably why she's sitting around doing nothing all day. Just like you, she needs to rest for a while. She also probably also needs some antidepressants and some supportive counseling. Does she have health insurance, through her husband or otherwise? If so, she should use it now, and not just for her MS. As she starts to feel a little better, she should be able to focus on getting her stuff, getting her benefits, and finding employment and a place to live. If there's anywhere else she can go in the meantime, explore that with her. You shouldn't be stuck with this, and you're not horrible for not wanting to be, but maybe you can help her find her way back to a little stability and better functioning. Good luck.
'
Tough love is going to be your job. You get to be the cheerleader, not the caregiver. Sorry sis, it's not good for your health to sit around like this. Let's get moving!
One of my friends has had MS since the 1970's, and she was able to work 25 years walking with crutches [instead of a cane] and using hand-controls on her car to get to and from work. Of course she had the personality that MS wasn't going to stop her, and has a hubby who supports whatever she does 100%. Since retirement, both her and hubby do volunteer work for their church. Now with her MS her secret was exercise, exercise, and more exercise. That might not be the case with your sister, her MS could be different. But I would go with her to her next doctor appointment to hear the facts.
Life isn’t fair and just that fact alone should answer your question. Abandon your sister and let her fend for herself and pray to God that she finds some help. We all are forced into situation we hate, but you have to deal with them in a humane matter and not let your own selfishness get in the way. If you have any Religious values at all, you should know that your religion does not allow for such behavior. If you’re not, then I cannot begin to get inside your head and think like you.
I know this sounds rather blunt, but life sucks period and what you make of it is up to you and you alone. Don’t expect others to give you an answer you want to hear by saying its ok to feel this way. I call that a load of bullcrap. Like I said it sickens me the amount of people on here that are so selfish. I’m sorry your life is the way it is, but we all have the same opportunities and chances in life and if life gives you lemons then you make lemonade or come on hear and b*tch.
Your sister’s husband is pure scum and he will get what’s coming to him in the end when he meets his maker. The wedding vowels clearly state through sickness or through health. GOD knows that people are selfish by nature so he implemented that cause as a means to not abandon someone because of an inconvenience. I realize my opinion will not be generally shared by other because they need to have their guilt forgiven also.
Whatever decision you come too, I will pray for you and your sister, that God will guide you and give you the strength to do the right thing. People have to realize that this time on earth is a testing ground for your next journey and if you fail this test you should not expect to be rewarded in the end. I’m not saying people will go to h*ll for these things, but you will not be truly sharing the Kingdom of God if your own matters come before others. I am not preaching to you, merely stating my feelings about the subject at hand. I am far from perfect myself and I EFF up every day and have my moments, but I continue on and hope and pray for the best. I truly do wish you the best and meant know personal attack on you, this is just how I feel about the whole care giving thing. It’s a tough road to hoe for sure.