He will not listen to anyone. Although he feels like he can drive a car, he can't seem to bring his dirty laundry downstairs, change his diaper, nor bring his soiled diapers downstairs and out to the trash. His room smells like urine and when he leaves his bedroom door open the stench travels down the hallway. He sits in soiled clothes. Yesterday, my brother was in the house and my father asked him to go get his cell phone he left in his room, in his chair. This is the chair he sleeps in and watches TV in because his bed is filled with junk. My brother went upstairs, put his knee in the "seat" part of the chair in order to bend down between the arm rest and cushion. Immediately he felt something wet. The chair pad was soaked with urine. My dad sits in this everyday and just doesn't care. We have tried and tried to get him to shower, change, etc. To no avail. He comes down for dinner and if they don't actually "fix" him a plate, he starts eating out of the serving dishes with his fingers. My mom and sister, who live in the home with him, believe he knows what he is doing and just does it out of spite. I want peace and harmony. My dad needs help and frankly...I don't know what to do.
It sounds like he cannot think clearly. He may have beginning stage of Alzheimer or Dementia
I cannot imagine not just doing what needs to be done for my parent. Please hire someone to come in and help. Call his doctor, make an appointment, get him in for a check up. The doctors can get Home Health care nurse out there, and a social worker to help you find the help you need for him.
Wash his bedding, put plastic backed pads under the sheet, put pads on the chair.
Start reading and sending to your family members articles on Alzheimer and Dementia and learn that these actions are not preplanned. This disease is new to him and to all of you. GET EDUCATED ON IT, please!
Than you can understand and relax a bit, and start to help.
With the issues that DAG is dealing with, I would also recommend getting OUTSIDE HELP to come in and evaluate "Dad"
Cleaning up the house is very important. Making sure you are doing this will prevent anyone from thinking there is elder abuse. "Austin" you are right.... even social workers don't always know the difference between 'obstinance' and 'Alzheimer's' and the FAMILY could ultimately be held responsible.
If Dad won't "go" to the doctors.. get the doctor to come to him! Yep.. there are still doctors out there that WILL come to your home. Trick him if you have to, but get him assessed for UTI or other medical conditions that are affecting his health.
It does sound like you have enough family around to SHARE the responsibilities of caring for Dad, so you need to get started. Have a family meeting and TRY to include Dad... if he is unwilling to discuss and plan, then go on without him. Don't make the issues be JUST about Dad, get help for Mom too regarding financial planning, care and even respite for her and other family members.
Get started... get organized and of course get educated!
God Bless
1) Was your father always self-centered and sometimes mean or is this a recent development?
2) Since he is still driving, has he had any near misses or minor fender-benders that you are aware of?
3) You said he refuses to even change his diaper? That means he is aware that he has a leakage problem and accepts the use of a diaper but just doesn't change it when needed. How long has this been the case...recently or from the time he started wearing them?
4) When was his last check-up with his regular doctor? Is he being treated for/ taking medication for any problems that cause incontinence?
Get the answers to these questions, then have an outside the house without dad family meeting. Include other siblings not living at home and aunts/uncles if any are nearby. Discuss the problems you describe here and prepare a plan to deal with it. Then present that plan to your father. Make him understand that this is not optional--you will go ahead with it but would rather have his cooperation so that it is a win-win solution. Then just do it because this will get a lot worse if you just go into denial and don't act. He is putting the health of all of you at risk in the house and if he drives with impaired capacity, he may injure or kill innocent people as well.
Get all the help you can. His stubbornness will get you in trouble if anything. call senior centers for referrals, his doctors office aging care centers anything to give you leads out of this miserable situation....