My husbands mother has heart problems and her 95 yr old husband has serious health issues plus Alzheimer’s. Her 57 year old son (also with serious health conditions) who lives with her say they are caring for the dad. But the dad almost died from CO2 build up in his body plus pneumonia. The mom argued against calling paramedics. But live in son called and dad went to hospital. He then went to nursing home for 2 weeks. Now the SNF wants to release him back to his wife. She snd son have demonstrated they are not capable of caring for the dad, yet his mom refuses to hire a caregiver for a few hrs a day. My husband has offered so many times to pay for a caregiver. Still mom refuses. So my husband is stuck in a city 400 miles away so he can oversee his dads care. He has gone down collectively for 5 weeks in the last 2 months. This situation cannot continue. He knows his dad will be not be cared for effectively upon his return home. Father says he wants to go home to his wife over snd over. What should my husband do? He has a job and family that he is neglecting because of this horrible situation. My husband is stressed to the max and miserable but he must be the one to decide how to handle his stubborn mom and brother.
I want my husband to get conservatorship over his dad and keep him in the SNF he is in now. It’s wonderful and the care is stellar. If my husband does this it’s clear his mom will never speak to him again. It will irrevocably split the family. My husband does not want to end his relationship with his mom. But she’s leaving him few choices. Plus my husband will pay thousands of dollars a month to keep his dad in this SNF. However, we will fully pay for his care even though it’s costly. My view, safety comes first beyond any professed care the mom argues she can provide, and the dads fervent desire to go home. It’s just heartbreaking. Please advise.
If DH gets conservatorship and keeps FIL in the SNF, you both think that it will ruin his relationship with his mother permanently. It will quite probably ruin his relationship with FIL too, because Dad says ‘over and over’ that he wants to go home to his wife. It is not likely to go down well with brother either. Why do you think that brother isn’t capable of managing things?
It’s clear that you think you know what is best for Dad, but this is one of those situations where you may be stuck with the ‘least worst’. Clearly DH cannot keep putting his life, job and own family on hold like this. Both of you need to find something you can live with. You also need to make sure that your own firm views are not putting extra pressure on the whole situation.
- Could you arrange a phone call with brother every night, or 3 times a week? Get a checklist of what you would like an update about – perhaps the SNF could help you work one out. At least the SNF should be able to tell you what are the most important things to check.
- Could you set up a video call, so that you can actually see FIL and talk to him.
- Could you find a family friend who would be willing to take on the ‘job’ of visiting once a week and letting you know how things are going? It would be totally reasonable to negotiate payment for this, even if the first reaction is ‘no’.
- Have you talked to their GP? Perhaps the GP could set up a weekly visit from the practice nurse. That might be acceptable to them, and provide a lot of reassurance to you and DH.
Try to think outside the square. Something has to give here!
You say that your husband MUST be the one to decide how to handle his mom and brother. Why?
The SNF has to determine that the situation dad is going to is a safe one. They should be sending an OT to the home to make certain of that. Your husband should take his concerns about the safety of the discharge to the Social Worker at the facility. S/HE should be the one looking into what care can be given at home and if it is adequate.
We have a longtime poster here, FrequentFlyer, who had a similar situation. She had to step back from providing driving, gardening, home repairs to try to get her parents to hire help. Nope, her mom wasn't having ANYONE in HER home caring for her husband who was failing. That was HER job.
Sadly, the mom fell, died from her head injury and THEN dad went happily to a nice facility.
You can't stop elders from making poor decisions. The bar for finding some incompetent to make their own decisions about where to live and what help to have is very high and rightly so.
Your husband should not spend his time and money trying to control this situation.
If not, is he in a state to ask?
Yes he says he wants to go home to his wife. But at 95, with a trifecta of Alz, heart disease & 'serious health conditions' what are his longer term prospects?
Please don't take offence, I am not talking about allowing neglect or restricting care. Being far away must be hard, but rather than rush over, could your DH get an informed medical update first?
It may be time to discuss Comfort Care vs Active Treatment - this will then shape the direction.
Hospice care to the home may be possible, which would be an excellent comprimise: at home but with professional input.
So, what's the worst that could happen at home?
Yes, he could die. but is that really the worst? He's 95 for goodness sake. Do you think if you, Empathy, were his age, you would want to spend the rest of your short remaining life away from your husband and child, and die a lonely death in a nursing home? I doubt it. There are worse things than death.
Yes, FIL is safer in the nursing home, but at what (emotional) cost to everyone? FIL is miserable and lonely until the day he dies. His wife is hurting from being separated from her life-long husband in his final years. That is emotional torture to both of them.
Let FIL go home. And look into hospice care for him at home. Have the doctor talk to MIL about it. She might listen to the doctor better and accept help coming into the house.
95 year olds get sick and the ones I know don't say a word. So you usually end up with a medical crisis and rinse and repeat.
It is heartbreaking to see our parents failing but, if they are managing, and the fact that he is 95 says they are, please do not charge in and do what you think is best. Let them live the best way they can and be a supportive family. What you want to do will steal ALL of their happiness and life away from all of them. They are doing okay and most importantly they are happy and content with their lives, that is the most any of us can hope for in the lives of our elderly loved ones.
Encourage your husband to come home and maybe send packages with tasty, healthy food, maybe he can engage a housekeeper that can keep an eye on how things are going and let him know that everyone is well. Maybe he just lives his life and loves them all right where they are and deals with each situation as needed. Running to the rescue is not needed for them, they have proven that they do have enough sense between them to seek medical attention when it is needed.
Backing off and letting go is terribly difficult but, it really sounds like it is the best in this situation. I think forcing him out of his home will irreparably damage 3 lives.
You said your husband was upset that MIL didn’t take FIL to see his doctor about a treatable condition. Even though FIL has dementia, he knows enough to insist on going home, is it possible that it was FIL who refused to see his doctor?
My mother has Alzheimer’s and she hates going to the doctor. I explained, coaxed, pleaded, threatened, and tricked, and nothing worked.
Several times, I made the appointments, drove her to the doctor, parked in front of the office, and she refused to get out of the car, even when the nurse came out to talk to her. Nope she wouldn’t budge. And a couple of times that I got her to walk into the waiting room, after a few minutes she walked out. Like your husband, I was angry and stressed out over her un-cooperation. But I have to let go of my need to fix things and only do what I can, not what I want.
So now, I just have phone consultations with her doctor. Her doctor only had her on 2 absolutely necessary meds. She used to take about 10 different meds. There’s no point at this stage of her Alz. to keep taking the other meds.
I wish it were so, but my MIL has cancelled many appts with the neurologist that diagnosed my FIL with Parkinson’s over an entire year ago actually. MIL also randomly takes my FIL off of prescribed medications bc she ‘determines’ they are not working, or cost too much. My husband did get medical records from one doctor for his mom and in the notes it said the mom and brother were non-compliant. That upset my husband.My FIL is sweet and flexible, non combative and he pretty much does exactly what his wife tells him to do. I didn’t write each and every reason my husband is upset. But I will say, it’s kind of like I’ve had an epiphany... this is not my problem to solve. I care deeply about FIL and of course, husband. But remembering the lifelong traits my MIL has exhibited towards her children, I shouldn’t be surprised. What I SHOULD prob be surprised at is my husbands attempts to get his mom to LISTEN to him or anyone else. As with all families, there are complicated dynamics. I am feeling less stressed, believe it or not, bc I have let go of a lot of the responsibility I WAS PLACING ON MYSELF to help solve this problem. I also realize I can’t fix this for husband but I will continue to listen and be supportive. That’s what I plan to do. Thanks to all for such caring, non judgmental advice. It is so important for a forum such as this to exist. Sometimes when we are in the thick of it, we don’t see the obvious. Thanks to all who offered wisdom and advice.