Hi, my 96 year old mother is at the end of life. Hospice told me on Monday that she would be passing soon. They didn’t hear any movement in her stomach, so her organs are shutting down. Today is day 13 with no food. She is still taking sips of water throughout the day.
My question is, has anyone else experienced this? She is bed bound. She pees in a diaper and sleeps all day and night. How long did your loved one go with only drinking water and no eating?
I am using my FMLA from work to be with her at the end, but I’m just not sure that it’s coming any time soon even though she’s so frail and weak. I keep thinking every day that I wake up, she’ll be gone, but she just keeps going. I’m mentally and emotionally exhausted.
Those who don't consume food or water usually only live for another three to 10 days. Psychological and spiritual factors may also influence this timeframe. Some patients seem to hold on until they sense their family is ready to cope or a specific event happens, such as a loved one arriving to say goodbye.
I have heard this from several others / medical professionals. The person 'waits' to transition until their family member is ready. This transition is a spiritual realm.
Then I read:
How long can an elderly bedridden person live without food?
In my experience, the average time that a patient can survive without food or fluids is about two weeks, though I have seen patients survive days and even over a month.
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I understand you are mentally and emotionally exhausted.
Don't know if this helps ... 'try' to not focus on anything but in the moment. Anticipating and feeling you need to 'do something' while waiting may cause you undo stress.
I would try to relax into the flow of what is happening, appreciating the moments you have, reflecting on her life - the good times. And, not be 'too much' in your head. Although take care of yourself as you need to - take a warm bath ... go out for lunch or to the park. Do what feels good to you now to manage the mental and emotional exhaustion.
Or I wonder if your question reflects feelings of "I am so mentally and physically exhausted, I want this to be over." And, then how you feel about feeling or thinking this way?
I am grieving a huge loss now myself. I am flowing with whatever comes up and out, not analyzing it ... just being with it.
Being present and taking care of yourself is what I would recommend.
Gena / Touch Matters
My wife Nancy 79, passed , June 26, after 16 days of not eating or drinking anything. The first day she didn't wake, her eye's were glassed , barely open, wasn't eating or drinking the nurse said she won't make the weekend. this was Wed. June 11th ,well,16 days later she passed.
During the last two weeks or so, no food, or water, just morphine every hr. and anxiety med's to keep her as pain free as possible, she was in severe pain from arthritis , hips to her curled toes , & neck , head bent over so her chin was on her chest. Nancy was bed bound for over 10 months, bedridden for the last 5. She had a catheter, worked most of the time, had a few UTI's. Her bowels were lessening, but even though she wasn't awake, every time I or the nurse turned her on her side to clean & change her she would grimace.
This has been along, slow deterioration, started a year before the pandemic, with congestive heart failure, & pneumonia, I took 5months off FMLA 2019 & 20; In 2020 quit my primary job, to stay close to home & worked locally. 2020 into 2021 she was in intensive care for 6 days, with the virus & congestive heart failure. The first 9 months of 2022 she was in hospice & recovered, Praise God. 2023 Nancy went Into the hospital for 13 days , lost 3 1/2 units of blood, almost bled to death , from her blood thinning med's. Her hips were really starting to bother her , walking was painful , couldn't get in or out of the jeep, without much pain. The first first quarter 2024 was relatively calm, then she couldn't make her doctor appointments went on pallative care for a short while, THAT nurse saw things, highly suggested hospice again in September. That's when I stopped working altogether , and became a full time care giver, for the next ten month's. Like I said in my other post " It's my job, what I signed up for"
Our Hospice nurse , cut her water off when she couldn't take it in a straw. Said it will be a week or so. Like Your Mother , it could be three weeks or more, seeing she's taking a little H20. I do feel Your pain, watching a loved one passing slowly, it seems they keep going & going & going is extremely painful, Your a good Daughter, It won't be long, and you'll be glad you were there doing all you can. I could be wrong, but I think women have it a lot harder than men as a caregiver. Don't get me wrong it was tough, but women are more sensitive, nurturing , it's part of their DNA.As I was recently told, I'm proud of you, for hanging in there, MOM''s not quite ready to go' Gods Not ready to take Her. May The Lord Bless You & Fill You with His Peace
Work will work itself out & chip off some of your vacation time & or, personal days if you have to...but, you'll be happy always knowing you were there with your mom when she transitioned!
The same thing happened to my aunt, who was in hospice. Her son also assured her it was ok to let go if she wanted to do so, and she too passed the same night.
Our loved ones often hang on if they are concerned about those they are leaving behind.
My Dad was in that state for 3 weeks.. No agitation..Slept quietly, Cheyne-stokes breathing pattern at the end, morphine, then passed approx 2 hours latter..Mom slept for 4 weeks, no agitation, cheyne-stokes breathing at the end, then passed an hour later..
Hospice guided us with EOL journey..They were a Blessing for myself & the family..🙏🏽 🕊️ to all..Tough journey, we know😢💔
So, is there any "unfinished business" that you can think of that perhaps mom wants to know is resolved before she leaves this earth?
An MIL...her own bio family would have to come care for her..if her children aren't alive, her grandkids, her siblings' kids but, you can't think I'm going to take care of your mother or grandmother, or great-aunt... someone who's not even my mom, stop my life & you get to go live your best life. Not going to happen. Because I bet, a husband wouldn't do it..he'd place an ex or deceased wife's mother in a facility faster than you can blink!
He seemed to battle everything, once they came on board they were able to keep him calm. I also told him I would be OK, and he could go and be "home". The last words he spoke to me (it took him about 3 or 4 minutes to get it out) was he wanted to go home. He never spoke again.
Hospice told me when he was getting ready to pass. The facility that he was in had kept the bed in his room open because he was so agitated most of the time. I got to stay with him the last 2 nights. I'm so glad I got to be there for him. We had always been in together during our life and I wanted to be there for him at the end. I held his hand and told him I loved him, that I would be all right and that someday we would be together again, would he please wait for me.
I miss him every day, he's never far from my mind but I would not want him here with me. His last months were truly hell on earth, and I prayed that he could go peacefully. Because of Hospice and the outstanding care he received at the facility, my prayers came true.
It's very difficult, everyone is different I'm told. Just keep letting your Mom know you love her, that you will be ok. I wish you the best, may she go quietly and if you want to be there at the end, I hope that works out for you. My prayers go out to you.