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To will executors, has anyone had a major blowup after the death of the elderly parent, due to disputes about estate distribution, even though a legal will is in place? What was it about and how did you handle it?
I'm currently the Personal Representative for my late Aunt's humble estate. I have been working with her original elder law attorney while things go through probate because it is out of state for me and I have no experience with this process. There are some heirs (nieces, nephew), me, my Mom (her sister) and her church. The only bitter person in this group is my 96-yr old Mom who has moderate dementia and doesn't like one of the niece/inheritors and is wondering why her sister didn't leave my Mom everything. It's not a rational conversation when I discuss it with her, and it's none of her business, anyway. Who is blowing up and why? If you are going by the rules and laws of your county and state, the "exploders" can go off all they want but it won't change anything unless they decide to contest the Will. And if they lose, they will still have to pay their attorney and maybe even yours. You handle it by making sure you are legally crossing all the T's and dotting all the I's. Also, if it involves people who were expecting an inheritance and it didn't happen, it's none of their business so don't discuss it with them. Again, make sure you are doing everything legally correctly and then they won't be able to say or do anything to you.
Hi Geaton777, I am executor for my Mom who passed in January and POA for my bonus Dad. They wrote their Will 8 years ago and were married 38 years. My brother and I will be the beneficiaries. Our step-sister has been estranged for several years due to poor life choices and only since the passing of our Mom has been resurfacing. While she is noted as his child in the Will, she is not a beneficiary. I do suspect this will cause us some issues and likely be contested by her.
I am still in the process of taking my Mom's name off of accounts and putting them in our bonus Dad's name. This includes our Mom's Retirement account, IRA's, CD's and their house. I find this very intimidating that her name is being taken off of her assets etc...
Should we be worried if this is contested by step-sister? We are working with an elder law lawyer but have not met with her for a few months. I do have a phone conference set up but was not able to get time with her for 2 weeks.
Also, if all goes smooth, my brother and I are not opposed to giving her some inheritance. What is the best way to do this?
This is a really personal question the answer to which is likely irrelevant to your own case.
There are state laws that are in place that dictate how an estate MUST be distributed. It gives the executor a lot of power in most states, but it DOES dictate the time limits in which the executor must let all beneficiaries of the will know that they ARE beneficiaries. Said notification doesn't say what amounts or items are, simply that the person is a beneficiary. It doesn't say much more.
If you have concerns about a beneficiary in a particular will that you believe you are a beneficiary of, then you should contact a probate or a Trust and Estate attorney to represent your interests in a particular will or trust. All wills are filed and open records to the public. Trusts are not and need not be.
If you are collecting info for a research paper of some type, this isn't really the place to do that without clearing it first with admins. If you have a problem you think we might give you info or help on please state what that problem is. Welcome to the Forum.
Why are you always so cruel in your responses? I stopped visiting this forum because of folks like you. You and Margaret seem to be hell bent on hurting others...wondering if you are the same account/person- or if there are two equally miserable women who have nothing better to do than hurt others who are genuinely looking for advice during the hardest chapter of their lives. Your passive aggressive shtick is probably from years of pain that you suffered. Hurt people, hurt other people.
Executor & more than 1 time. Each one was different and each was a learning opportunity. My big takeaway is IF there are challenges aka “contested” from others as to the will entered into probate court being valid, that is 100&1% work for a probate attorney who does litigation.
Most probate guys do NOT do litigation, they are more about following the path that is well establish for your State laws for just how probate and its many filings and forms just flat have to be done according to your State laws. It’s pretty routine but precise stuff, even if there are Claims against the Estate, even if you do in-chambers meeting(s), even if a heir dies while probate is simmering along.
But if the will is actually being contested, actually being challenged- not just family complaining and whining stuff - that needs to have an attorney who is experienced in litigation. Probate guys who do litigation are different level of expertise and will take time and have co$t$. If this is what’s happening, I’d suggest you have an upfront conversation with your current probate atty as to their ability to do litigation and its negotiating skill set. They resign or do a cocounsel with new litigation savvy probate atty.
& also - not to be harsh - some folks are not suited to be an Executor. They take criticism too personally or don’t have the ability to ignore pests. Often it’s that the now deceased named their favorite to be their Executor without realizing they were not the best choice to do the organization and timeline for the chessboard that is probate. And as they were the favorite, there are existing resentments from the rest of the family. Sigh! If that’s kinda what’s happening to you, talk with your attorney about having an inchambers done and maybe you can get your Independent administration Executor changed to be a dependent administration (so court oversight). That will probably shut down complaints and whining as now it’s before a judge or their legal staff.
Also your attorney should be deflecting complaints. If they are not doing their job, that’s a whole other type of conversation.
As Executor you follow the Will. You honor the persons wishes. First all debts and leins have to be met. So lets say a house is left to someone, if the debts and leins are more than than the assets are worth, then the house needs to be sold to cover them the beneficiary does not get the house. With me my brother inherited the house liens and all. He was not going to be able to cover those liens so the house went back into the estate. It was sold, the liens paid and the money left was slit between the siblings. When all is said and done, an accting is done which all beneficiaries need to sign to get their inheritance. Thats when they contest.
As an Executor you cannot change what is in a Will. You would need to go to court and have a judge rule.
I was executor of my dad’s estate. He didn’t have a load of money as a retired teacher. I knew there was big potential for issues with one sibling who has lifelong undiagnosed mental illness. When the time came for distributions, I hired an estate lawyer to handle it. He went over the assets and settlements and wrote letters to each sibling. I mailed them with cashiers checks enclosed from his office. It took my fingerprints off of it in a great way. It showed I’d hidden nothing and someone independent checked my work. It was a step I didn’t have to take, but it cost little and was well worth doing. Difficult sibling still grumbled but knew there was nowhere to go with the complaints
I assume that there are several mentioned for equal shares. Has the will been sent to probate? If there is no will, then probate has state laws on distribution. The executor can hold distribution until all final expeses are paid including taxes next year. The process can take over a year and if there is contesting, may go longer, especially if lawyers are needed. As an executor , I would hear sob stories to distribute early. I could allow small distributions but the final had to be closed in probate. So the executor has to express that legsl fees will eat away $
The will needs to be specific. A friend's will says that all assets should be split equally. This is worthless as it puts no value on the items. To the extent possible, all accounts should have a POD or designated beneficiary. All personal items should be spelled out with a good description (maybe a picture or label item) to identify the object. If there is a potential that someone would like to keep real estate and it is being split over sever heirs, something should be included facilitate that or take it into consider and leave real estate to one and money to another. Care should be taken if leaving specific stock/mutual. One stock /mutual fund may have increased and another decreased which could lead to problems. There is no way to ensure there are not going to be problems.
My husband is an attorney and handles disputes like this. You are so smart to ask what people can do to make the process go smoothly. The single best thing people can do to prevent disputes is to communicate clearly to everyone what the will says and how things will be divided before they die! Also, divided equally doesn’t always mean equal monetary value. For example, a son and daughter may each inherit property but it could have different monetary value.
Rude Aunt was the only beneficiary of my dad's will. The rest went into a trust to support mom, who had dementia. There was very little cash due to Rude Aunt's mismanagement of my parents' businesses. At 88, she was the bookkeeper and no longer doing a decent job, if she ever did. My dad had said she was getting "senile," which was my cautious observation as well. It was clear that she was no longer as cognitively sharp as she used to be, though she, as always, thought she was smarter than everyone on the planet.
According to state law, beneficiaries have to be paid first, and she wanted her money immediately though my mom's dementia care was gobbling up all available cash.
Rude Aunt sued my co-executor and me because she wasn't getting her $100,000 fast enough. (Rude Aunt was very wealthy due to having been a rich man's mistress for 35 years; she didn't need the money.) Rude Aunt was angry that dad had not made her executor, and she hated my mom. The first time she sued, judge threw it out of court. It cost $6000 of dad's estate to defend against her suit. The second time she sued, in order to pay Rude Aunt, we harvested the timber on a pristine property that dad owned. Now, Rude Aunt was an outspoken environmentalist who only lived (according to her) to save wildlife who so cruelly were being forced out of their homes by developers. Cutting the timber destroyed 66 acres of habitat for the animals Rude Aunt claimed to love, but it was the only way to get the money and get her off our backs. I cried as I watched the timber company clear-cut and remove many trailers of logs from that beautiful place.
Because of this and the way she treated family during dad's final illness, I never spoke to Rude Aunt again.
I’m concerned because my mother has me as the POA and the Executor and Trustee of her Will dated 2017. In 2023 after her second fall, I began to use my POA status to care for her as she was diagnosed with dementia. I believe my youngest brother and his girlfriend called her lawyer and changed her WILL. I contacted the lawyer and he was now reluctant to speak to me, since I asked about probate and that my mother has dementia, and all he said was, “get yourself a lawyer”. Another time I called him again in 2025 after I sold my mother’s house to move her into Assisted Living 24/7 care. Once he found out it was me on the phone, he hung up. So, something is not right and I’m not sure where to go from here. I thought of leaving it all until she passes because my brother is mentally abusive to my mother and has lived off her all his life, the stress he puts on her will shorten her life. We’ll have to see what happens, but if he did make that change. I want to charge him criminally, because I’m just following what her wishes are in the WILL. My mother discussed the WILL with me before she fell that second time.
No will gets changed by anyone except by Mother. It's stated in the contract by State Law..
Your nasty, selfish brother should be ashamed of himself for his disrespect for your mom plus other family and needs to talk with His Own Professional to straighten out his mind.
And please fire that Lawyer!! His license should be revoked. I would report him or her to the lawyer's board ASAP!!
So sorry that I have tough opinions, but I want see some justice for very some expensive, selfish unprofessional-type of work damaged by unprofessional people.
Executors must comply in all respects with the will. There is no discretion to change the distribution. If they are not confident to explain this to beneficiaries and inform them their only recourse is to contest the will (at their own expense), hiring a good estate attorney is very helpful. They will supervise the executor's work, do all the legal and tax filings, and facilitate the distribution. They charge a fee for this, of course. I wouldn't recommend going it alone without an attorney for a situation where a beneficiary is disputing the distribution. You want to make sure everything is done correctly in case they decide to take legal action.
I think our own personal experiences (I have none, being the only beneficiary of my brother's Trust) in the realm wouldn't be relevant and likely would be quite personal to discuss on an open Forum, JR.
The executor is in charge of the will. That person doesn't discuss distribution with ANYONE and shouldn't. The will will be filed and is an open document. If the beneficiaries believe they aren't being notified timely (and there is GREAT latitude given in court for the settling of an estate; it often takes more than a year) then they can hire an attorney to check on and represent their interests.
According to law of your state the Executor has a given time limit in which they must notify all beneficiaries of a will that they ARE a beneficiary. They do not however discuss amounts or anything else, and should not. They simply get on with paying all bills, gathering and selling assets, paying taxes, and THEN distributing the remainder of the state as dictated in the will. They then file closing on the Estate EIN taxes and the work is done. I acted as Trustee on my brother's Trust. Trusts, you should understand, don't get filed in open public records.
Agree on @mikeindc's mention of the import of valuation. There are a lot of folks who are under the impression that the various collectibles and furniture and whatnot that they spent thousands on over the years has either grown in value or at least retained its original retail value. Not at all true for so much stuff.
A product's value is what you can get for it at the time after you've subtracted the time, expenses, and headache of reselling it. I'm working through my in-laws' decades of buying and buying, and 95% is headed for thrift stores or landfills.
In an ideal situation, you would discuss prior to death who in the family has emotional attachments to which set of china or antique toys or whatever. Then take a critical look at realistic and attainable value of noncash bequests to either distribute them or figure out a person/process for cashing them in, before creating an itemized addendum to a will.
My husband was executor for his grandmother and also for his mother. Both times, there were parties who didn’t like the outcome and tried to blame him and tried to insist that the will was “wrong” but he followed the wills both times. It can get ugly, especially with today’s complex families. People stop talking to one another for decades or maybe forever over small amounts of money. It’s sad. I don’t know anything that can be done to prevent it no matter how fair or equal or prudent anyone tries to make their will. Ancient hurt feelings and grudges come to the surface and can tear families apart.
This is private information you are asking for, and it isn't relevant to your own situation. What happens in one instance will not apply in any way to your individual situation.
If you are executor and there are disputes they will be handled with the estate's money by an attorney hired by executor. Sadly, these disputes will eat up a whole lot of money in the estate, and that should be made clear to those hiring their own attorneys to dispute the distribution.
Any will or Trust can be disputed. It is however costly to those disputing distribution to hire attorneys to dispute the estate. Leave it up to them, and the attorney you hire in the event of a legally filed challenge to the will or trust.
I hired an estate attorney to assist me as executor of my mother’s will. It was pricey, but worth it to me as I was so burned out from the caregiving, hospice and death.
Everything was done to the letter of the law. After I filed the initial accounting of mom’s assets the beneficiaries were given a copy by the attorney. I opened an estate account in which all mom’s assets were deposited, I paid outstanding debts, sold the house and filed all relevant paperwork as required by the court.
I have now filed the final accounting. The beneficiaries received the final accounting and had 10 days to request a hearing if they objected to it. The court will now issue a certificate of devise telling the beneficiaries how much they will receive.
I DID have people asking me for money but I said it was my legal obligation to follow the will as written.
@shellan - if you are the executor and you and brother are the beneficiaries you should NOT be moving your mom’s money into bonus dads name without speaking to an attorney first. If he has control of the money you may not be able to distribute it as stated in the will.
The first duty of the executor is to take control of the deceased assets. This is in MY state. Your state laws may vary, which is why I suggest an attorney.
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I am executor for my Mom who passed in January and POA for my bonus Dad. They wrote their Will 8 years ago and were married 38 years. My brother and I will be the beneficiaries. Our step-sister has been estranged for several years due to poor life choices and only since the passing of our Mom has been resurfacing. While she is noted as his child in the Will, she is not a beneficiary. I do suspect this will cause us some issues and likely be contested by her.
I am still in the process of taking my Mom's name off of accounts and putting them in our bonus Dad's name. This includes our Mom's Retirement account, IRA's, CD's and their house. I find this very intimidating that her name is being taken off of her assets etc...
Should we be worried if this is contested by step-sister? We are working with an elder law lawyer but have not met with her for a few months. I do have a phone conference set up but was not able to get time with her for 2 weeks.
Also, if all goes smooth, my brother and I are not opposed to giving her some inheritance. What is the best way to do this?
Thank you for your thoughts and advice.
There are state laws that are in place that dictate how an estate MUST be distributed. It gives the executor a lot of power in most states, but it DOES dictate the time limits in which the executor must let all beneficiaries of the will know that they ARE beneficiaries. Said notification doesn't say what amounts or items are, simply that the person is a beneficiary. It doesn't say much more.
If you have concerns about a beneficiary in a particular will that you believe you are a beneficiary of, then you should contact a probate or a Trust and Estate attorney to represent your interests in a particular will or trust. All wills are filed and open records to the public. Trusts are not and need not be.
If you are collecting info for a research paper of some type, this isn't really the place to do that without clearing it first with admins. If you have a problem you think we might give you info or help on please state what that problem is. Welcome to the Forum.
Your passive aggressive shtick is probably from years of pain that you suffered.
Hurt people, hurt other people.
Most probate guys do NOT do litigation, they are more about following the path that is well establish for your State laws for just how probate and its many filings and forms just flat have to be done according to your State laws. It’s pretty routine but precise stuff, even if there are Claims against the Estate, even if you do in-chambers meeting(s), even if a heir dies while probate is simmering along.
But if the will is actually being contested, actually being challenged- not just family complaining and whining stuff - that needs to have an attorney who is experienced in litigation. Probate guys who do litigation are different level of expertise and will take time and have co$t$. If this is what’s happening, I’d suggest you have an upfront conversation with your current probate atty as to their ability to do litigation and its negotiating skill set. They resign or do a cocounsel with new litigation savvy probate atty.
& also - not to be harsh - some folks are not suited to be an Executor. They take criticism too personally or don’t have the ability to ignore pests. Often it’s that the now deceased named their favorite to be their Executor without realizing they were not the best choice to do the organization and timeline for the chessboard that is probate. And as they were the favorite, there are existing resentments from the rest of the family. Sigh! If that’s kinda what’s happening to you, talk with your attorney about having an inchambers done and maybe you can get your Independent administration Executor changed to be a dependent administration (so court oversight). That will probably shut down complaints and whining as now it’s before a judge or their legal staff.
Also your attorney should be deflecting complaints. If they are not doing their job, that’s a whole other type of conversation.
As an Executor you cannot change what is in a Will. You would need to go to court and have a judge rule.
If there is no will, then probate has state laws on distribution.
The executor can hold distribution until all final expeses are paid including taxes next year. The process can take over a year and if there is contesting, may go longer, especially if lawyers are needed. As an executor , I would hear sob stories to distribute early. I could allow small distributions but the final had to be closed in probate.
So the executor has to express that legsl fees will eat away $
To the extent possible, all accounts should have a POD or designated beneficiary. All personal items should be spelled out with a good description (maybe a picture or label item) to identify the object. If there is a potential that someone would like to keep real estate and it is being split over sever heirs, something should be included facilitate that or take it into consider and leave real estate to one and money to another. Care should be taken if leaving specific stock/mutual. One stock /mutual fund may have increased and another decreased which could lead to problems.
There is no way to ensure there are not going to be problems.
and how things will be divided before they die! Also, divided equally doesn’t always mean equal monetary value. For example, a son and daughter may each inherit property but it could have different monetary value.
According to state law, beneficiaries have to be paid first, and she wanted her money immediately though my mom's dementia care was gobbling up all available cash.
Rude Aunt sued my co-executor and me because she wasn't getting her $100,000 fast enough. (Rude Aunt was very wealthy due to having been a rich man's mistress for 35 years; she didn't need the money.) Rude Aunt was angry that dad had not made her executor, and she hated my mom. The first time she sued, judge threw it out of court. It cost $6000 of dad's estate to defend against her suit. The second time she sued, in order to pay Rude Aunt, we harvested the timber on a pristine property that dad owned. Now, Rude Aunt was an outspoken environmentalist who only lived (according to her) to save wildlife who so cruelly were being forced out of their homes by developers. Cutting the timber destroyed 66 acres of habitat for the animals Rude Aunt claimed to love, but it was the only way to get the money and get her off our backs. I cried as I watched the timber company clear-cut and remove many trailers of logs from that beautiful place.
Because of this and the way she treated family during dad's final illness, I never spoke to Rude Aunt again.
Your nasty, selfish brother should be ashamed of himself for his disrespect for your mom plus other family and needs to talk with His Own Professional to straighten out his mind.
And please fire that Lawyer!! His license should be revoked. I would report him or her to the lawyer's board ASAP!!
So sorry that I have tough opinions, but I want see some justice for very some expensive, selfish unprofessional-type of work damaged by unprofessional people.
The executor is in charge of the will. That person doesn't discuss distribution with ANYONE and shouldn't. The will will be filed and is an open document. If the beneficiaries believe they aren't being notified timely (and there is GREAT latitude given in court for the settling of an estate; it often takes more than a year) then they can hire an attorney to check on and represent their interests.
According to law of your state the Executor has a given time limit in which they must notify all beneficiaries of a will that they ARE a beneficiary. They do not however discuss amounts or anything else, and should not. They simply get on with paying all bills, gathering and selling assets, paying taxes, and THEN distributing the remainder of the state as dictated in the will. They then file closing on the Estate EIN taxes and the work is done. I acted as Trustee on my brother's Trust. Trusts, you should understand, don't get filed in open public records.
A product's value is what you can get for it at the time after you've subtracted the time, expenses, and headache of reselling it. I'm working through my in-laws' decades of buying and buying, and 95% is headed for thrift stores or landfills.
In an ideal situation, you would discuss prior to death who in the family has emotional attachments to which set of china or antique toys or whatever. Then take a critical look at realistic and attainable value of noncash bequests to either distribute them or figure out a person/process for cashing them in, before creating an itemized addendum to a will.
The minute my mom's gone, I'm walking away, they can all have there blood money, I don't want any part of it!!
If you are executor and there are disputes they will be handled with the estate's money by an attorney hired by executor. Sadly, these disputes will eat up a whole lot of money in the estate, and that should be made clear to those hiring their own attorneys to dispute the distribution.
Any will or Trust can be disputed. It is however costly to those disputing distribution to hire attorneys to dispute the estate. Leave it up to them, and the attorney you hire in the event of a legally filed challenge to the will or trust.
Everything was done to the letter of the law. After I filed the initial accounting of mom’s assets the beneficiaries were given a copy by the attorney. I opened an estate account in which all mom’s assets were deposited, I paid outstanding debts, sold the house and filed all relevant paperwork as required by the court.
I have now filed the final accounting. The beneficiaries received the final accounting and had 10 days to request a hearing if they objected to it. The court will now issue a certificate of devise telling the beneficiaries how much they will receive.
I DID have people asking me for money but I said it was my legal obligation to follow the will as written.
@shellan - if you are the executor and you and brother are the beneficiaries you should NOT be moving your mom’s money into bonus dads name without speaking to an attorney first. If he has control of the money you may not be able to distribute it as stated in the will.
The first duty of the executor is to take control of the deceased assets. This is in MY state. Your state laws may vary, which is why I suggest an attorney.