My 74 year old mother showed up on my doorstep 2 years ago, homeless, after my only sibling, kicked her out of her house. Literally, clothes in bags.
Because my sister’s husband demanded it (for very troubling and selfish reasons, not because mom is awful). Mom is sweet and easy to be around.
However, I’m a single mom, for the last 28 years. My eldest is in his senior of high school.
I don’t like living with mom. She’s got poor hygiene, a hoarder, and has no personal life. She put a lot of pressure on me to be her whole entire world.
She never paid rent or helped with the bills. It’s a small house - just two bedrooms, so I had to share my bed with her.
I never consented to give up my personal life or home to her. We began to battle over her hoarding and excessive needs for attention. I had a rich and full life before she arrived on my doorstep.
I had an opportunity to move away - and I did! Leaving her in my house, rent free. I’ve been carrying two rents for the last two years to give her freedom and me space.
But she got sick…. Her chronic COPD from 50 years of smoking finally caught up with her. Hospitalized - I jumped on a flight to be with her. Now, she’s released to me. I bring her meds, assay her to the toilet, wipe and powder her bum, make her low salt meals and hourly tea, take her vitals, monitor her oxygen use, oversee her medical visits.
Meanwhile; I remote work as an independent contractor. That means no PTO, no FMLA. It’s the most incredibly intense, demanding time of my entire career! I’ve really done so well for myself with this move!
Mom’s care is crashing that all down. I’ve been living out of hospital rooms, or being full time nurse. My son is remote schooling - missing out on his senior year. My work pressure is unreal. I’m getting full blown panic attacks, the first one almost put me in the ER! I’ve been threatened with being fired for being so absent.
I am stretched so thin. My jaw is permanent tight from gritting my teeth. I feel nauseous, I can’t eat. I’ve lost 10 pounds in the last week. I’m sleeping in my son’s bed and he’s taken the couch because I can’t rest next to Mom with her oxygen compressor and sleep apnea.
I was so close to tasting freedom… now I am saddled with an adult dependent. It’s not fair. I resent her. She did not plan or prepare for old age and dumped herself on me. I love her, but I never consented to any of this.
Is it cruel of me to want to put her in an AL? Am I being selfish? Some people tell me I should quit my job to take care of her and just live off my savings… That doesn’t see fair. I’m 46, it’s not like these kinds of career opportunities are going to be bountiful much longer. I’m aging out the workforce. I don’t want to have to take a menial job again just so I can be mom’s nurse. Thinking about being in poverty, working full time and a son’s college to pay for puts me in terror.
It seems the whole world is telling me to sacrifice my dreams and ambitions to care for her. I ran away from home at 17 and chose to sleep in abandoned houses and beg for people’s leftovers on the street corner, 6 months pregnant - to get away from the violent abusive man she chose to marry. I worked so hard to claw myself out of the hole my childhood put me in.
I’m pissed, sad, exhausted, resentful, developing panic disorder, sacrificing my career momentum and my son’s education/college ambitions. My house is sitting empty and my gardens untended 3,000 miles away. I feel trapped. And - I love her, and want her to be well.
She’s acting like a helpless child. Maybe it’s disorientation from her illnesses. Am I forced to wipe her ass and make her tea and never leave my house for more than 2 hours until she dies? That could be decades from now, or 6 months. I just dunno.
Sorry so long!!! Help! Eldest daughter suffocating under the weight of Mom’s poor life decisions….
There's nothing wrong with Assisted Living, it's not an asylum or prison. Mom gets a room of her own, with housekeeping, food and laundry services. No work for Mom at all, just how she likes it. She clearly enjoys using you as an unpaid (and overly generous) care slave the last 2 years. She can suck the blood out of the AL staff who provide her services. I do believe in AL they will not be wiping any behinds, so that means Mom needs a higher level of care, like Memory Care or Skilled Nursing, due to her "helplessness."
Time to get Mom OUT. If you die from the stress of work and dealing with helpless Mom 24/7, she will have to go to a facility anyway. Your son isn't going to house Mom, pay her way, or provide her toileting, is he? Would you even expect him to be an unpaid 24/7 slave himself?
Mom will need much more care, as she continues to suck the blood out of you and destroy your happiness. You continue to spoil her daily, with tea and toileting. Why should she even TRY to do anything? "Sweet and easy to be around?" No wonder your sister got her out. Mom is a total parasite at this point, especially with no income.
Get Mom placed in a facility (on Medicaid) and stop suffocating under the stress of your career, combined with 24/7 unpaid slavery. If you don't, figure this ridiculous situation of treating Mom like a newborn baby could easily go on another 10 years.
Find an Elder lawyer to help you make the arrangements to place Mom and do the Medi-Cal application. It will be money well spent, and you obviously can afford it.
Remember, if you die first, Mom goes into a facility anyway. Stop the madness, get her into a SNF and start focusing on your own life, before "helpless Mom" takes another day away from you. You've wasted enough time and money the last 2 years.
Would you expect your son to be your unpaid 24/7 caregiver down the road?Who gets your "sweet" Mom next if you don't survive her??
See an Elder lawyer pronto.
What is wrong with assisted living?! A place where she would get the care she needs, be clean and safe, get help with toileting and bathing and medication is amazing. It's a long way better than what you got as a pregnant teenager.
I'm not asking you to hate your mom. She's got mental illness (hoarding at least) and didn't have the backbone to put her own daughter before an abusive man. She's not perfect. You can love her anyway. But the real question is why are you allowing her to abuse you to this day? And why are you passing this cycle on to your own child. Because you're letting her mental illness and medical needs take you away from your own child. You're doing exactly what she did, putting someone above the needs of your child and allowing your child to be harmed emotionally because of it.
Forgive your sister for putting her own family's needs first. Forgive your mom for failing to do that. And then maybe you can forgive yourself for breaking this awful cycle and putting your needs and your child's needs first.
However, I’m a single mom, for the last 28 years.
I don’t like living with mom. She’s got poor hygiene, a hoarder, and has no personal life. She put a lot of pressure on me to be her whole entire world.
She never paid rent or helped with the bills."
Your mom doesn't sound all that sweet or easy to be around.
Just because somebody wants you to pay for their stupid life decisions doesn't mean you have to do it. Especially when she exposed you to a horrid stepdad who abused you.
Take the advice others have given you and get her out of your bed (truly weird!) and your house. You deserve your dreams and ambitions, and I believe you can get back to them once you get this albatross off your neck and into a facility. Do whatever you have to do to make that happen, which shouldn't be all that complicated. Don't concern yourself with the details, just get her out of your house and let her or sis call APS. Everyone on this forum will be pulling for you - including me.
And if mom doesn't have any money she'll have to apply for Medicaid and move into a Medicaid facility.
You say at the beginning of your post that your "mom is sweet and easy to be around" yet a few sentences down you say that she's a hoarder, has poor hygiene, has no personal life and wants you to be her everything. That doesn't sound all that sweet or easy to be around to me, does it you?
You are going to have to be the "bad guy" here and get the ball rolling to get your mom placed in the appropriate facility, if you're not wanting to be the one who dies before your mom does from stress related issues. You deserve so much better as do your children and your job.
Call your area agency on aging or senior services in your area to see if they can assist you getting the ball rolling.
I wish you well in finding the right Medicaid facility for your mom, and getting on with living and enjoying your life.
I also find it questionable that you are aging out of the workforce at 46.
You say you feel “the world” is telling you that you have to make these sacrifices? No. Maybe some part of you, or your mom, or your sibling are saying it out of misplaced guilt or misplaced sense of responsibility or lack of boundaries, or fear, but not the world.
You have already given way more than you should have in my view and let it go on for far too long. But it’s not too late to get your life back!
The majority of your time, attention, and care should be channeled to yourself and your son. Make a plan and extricate yourself from all direct care of your mother. There are dozens or hundreds of posts explaining the practical steps of how to do this.
You do NOT have to sacrifice yourself, your plans, your own mental health, etc for her. Nor should she want you to do so if she were a good mother with all her faculties.
You had the courage to escape what seemed like a trap caused by her once before. You can do it again.
But you are the only one who can rescue yourself and you child.
Your mom has to go to assisted living or section 8 housing or council flat or whatever it is in your area.
Now you can see why your sister had enough. A needy elder will suck you dry and spit out your bones.
She is not a sweet person. She is a horrible person. You should not be caring for her at all. Put her in a care home and visit as little as you want to. The reason that sibling kicked her out was because she is impossible to live with. That was a good decision. Time to do the right thing and get her placed before the week is out. Also, get therapy and look into journaling. Your mom was not a good mom and didn't protect you as a kid. Time to start self parenting.
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