So, a couple of weeks ago I suggested to my mother that she might actually like assisted living. It wasn't supposed to be hateful or uncaring, just an observation that she seems lonely and it's getting hard for her to drive. Enter my daughter-in-law that I can't stand and that gossips about me nonstop behind my back. My mother is 78 now and one year ago when she had knee replacement, this daughter-in-law told me that my mom should be in a nursing home; that she can afford it because my son and she needed a babysitter and I couldn't do that while I was taking care of my mother for a month. Now, my mom ran to her with the news that I suggested assisted living. My daughter-in-law offered to take her in(along with her money) and let her live with them. My mother is an instigator and a master of triangulation. She admitted to me this morning that she told them and my daughter-in-law went on for two hours about how terrible I am. I am her power of attorney and the trustee of her trust and I told her this morning that I will do what's best for her. She says I hurt her feelings suggesting assisted living but since I have severe degenerative disc disease I won't be doing any heavy lifting when it comes to her. As a matter of fact I am resentful of her and told her that if I couldn't take care of myself, I'd find a nice place to go stay so that I didn't burden my kids! Did she agree? Hell no. How do I keep these "well meaning" rotten relatives and grandkids from swooping in? So far, they didn't help me one day when she had a knee replacement nor do they help mow her yard or clean her house. This particular daughter-in-law was just pissed because I couldn't babysit and take care of a 76-year-old at the same time. I'm only child and was mentally abused by this woman since I can remember. She still does it, running her mouth to anyone that will listen. What is a common sense solution that will give me piece of mind?
1- I'd resign my POA immediately and tell everyone in the family that you're too ill to handle these responsibilities currently. Ditto resign as Trustee of trust.
2- Totally back off with any decision making - remove yourself from the equation as quickly as possible to avoid arguments with family members. STOP QUIBBLING with everyone in your family - minimize contact and do not engage. The ongoing family tempests in a teapot don't help anyone - this only escalates mutual resentments and stress.
3- Let your mother move in with DIL, PERFECT! Let DIL deal with mother and all aspects of caregiving. Do NOT make dire warning comments to family about how this would never work. (This is a win-win for you. Either everyone will be happy with the new arrangement and you will be treated with more respect by offering no resistance, or mother and DIL will be very unhappy with the new arrangement and you will be treated with more respect. And you will have more easily constructed boundaries in place by then and more power because they will need you. You can help them or not - your choice if this happens.)
4- these suggestions should improve your relationship with family, lessen your stress, and protect your inheritance as much as possible.
Good luck with this and I consider your situation fortunate because you have some good options.
Common Sense solution is to get into therapy to try to get skills to release the hate you have for your family as it seems to make you unhappy and stressed.
The second your mom gets good and offended over nothing, or when your DIL talks her into it, you're not getting that land. She'll hang it over your head the rest of her days making sure when she says jump you say how high and then she'll leave it to your SIL anyway.
There is no such thing as inheritance until someone dies , and wills can be changed without OP knowing it . Happens all the time .
If the trust is irrevocable Mom can't change it. She could make DIL POA and revoke yours. How much do you want to inherit anything? How close do you want to stay with your son? How much do you want to have your life back without people telling you what to do? Let Mom move in with DIL, probably two of a kind. Then you back off. Start being too busy to help with Mom. "You asked Mom to live with you". Maybe even move away.
No one has the right to demand your time. If Mom moves in with them, if not already working, get a job. Make friends by volunteering. Be busy.
I did watch my 2 grandsons till they were 2 and 3 and ready for daycare. But, I was not told I would be doing it, I was asked. You owe your son and DIL nothing. You don't owe your abusive Mom anything. Me, I would get away and let the chips fall where they may. You have sacrificed enough you need to get your own life.
The misery could kill you . You will have no “ piece of mind “ while staying in this situation because your mother will make sure she says things to try to make you do things she wants and feel guilty .
Your mother feels entitled as well as your daughter in law . The triangulation won’t change either.
Do you have POA for your mom? Is it active or still just waiting to be used? You can resign it or let her know she may as well pick someone else to designate because you will be declining to take it. Don't do things for either of them unless you want to. You're not the center of the universe, they will figure their crap out without you. Go have a nice life with people who appreciate you.
Money is not worth this aggravation . She’s only 76, this will get worse and could last 20 years .
Back out now before Mom gets dementia and can not assign a new POA .
(Signed) Caregiver of my beloved husband, dementia, 3 years; and of both parents, cancer and dementia, 5 years; and of another relative, 2 years. I'm through.