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So, a couple of weeks ago I suggested to my mother that she might actually like assisted living. It wasn't supposed to be hateful or uncaring, just an observation that she seems lonely and it's getting hard for her to drive. Enter my daughter-in-law that I can't stand and that gossips about me nonstop behind my back. My mother is 78 now and one year ago when she had knee replacement, this daughter-in-law told me that my mom should be in a nursing home; that she can afford it because my son and she needed a babysitter and I couldn't do that while I was taking care of my mother for a month. Now, my mom ran to her with the news that I suggested assisted living. My daughter-in-law offered to take her in(along with her money) and let her live with them. My mother is an instigator and a master of triangulation. She admitted to me this morning that she told them and my daughter-in-law went on for two hours about how terrible I am. I am her power of attorney and the trustee of her trust and I told her this morning that I will do what's best for her. She says I hurt her feelings suggesting assisted living but since I have severe degenerative disc disease I won't be doing any heavy lifting when it comes to her. As a matter of fact I am resentful of her and told her that if I couldn't take care of myself, I'd find a nice place to go stay so that I didn't burden my kids! Did she agree? Hell no. How do I keep these "well meaning" rotten relatives and grandkids from swooping in? So far, they didn't help me one day when she had a knee replacement nor do they help mow her yard or clean her house. This particular daughter-in-law was just pissed because I couldn't babysit and take care of a 76-year-old at the same time. I'm only child and was mentally abused by this woman since I can remember. She still does it, running her mouth to anyone that will listen. What is a common sense solution that will give me piece of mind?

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Tell DIL kindly that you will not be babysitting her children under any circumstances, ever. Also tell her that you'll never be burdening her with your care. This assumption that family members MUST take care of each other needs to be settled everywhere permanently for all time! If we want to do it, we do it, but if we don't, we need not let ourselves be railroaded into it.

(Signed) Caregiver of my beloved husband, dementia, 3 years; and of both parents, cancer and dementia, 5 years; and of another relative, 2 years. I'm through.
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Reply to Fawnby
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I would tell your mother she needs to assign a new POA. She would then probably choose a new trustee as well.

Money is not worth this aggravation . She’s only 76, this will get worse and could last 20 years .

Back out now before Mom gets dementia and can not assign a new POA .
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Lander22 10 hours ago
OK here's the problem. I'm supposed to inherit some of my grandparents land and that meant so much to me. I understand what you're saying but I don't think I can give this part of the estate up. It's where I grew up and my grandparents were wonderful.
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Distance yourself from the DIL. Don't engage with her.
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Lander22 10 hours ago
I'm pretending that I don't know what she says behind my back. I smile sweetly when I see her but my mind goes to dark places lol
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Move away at least 500 miles.
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Beethoven13 1 hour ago
Agreed. Stop taking care of your son and DIL lives. THEY have 2 children and They have 2 dogs and they chose this. Let them handle it. Don’t be their unpaid nanny and housekeeper and dog washer. If children or pets are being mistreated, call the authorities to investigate. Stop propping them up. Inform them of what you are willing to do. Where is DIL parents?
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I was going to say let Mom move in with DIL but keep that POA but I am changing my mind.

If the trust is irrevocable Mom can't change it. She could make DIL POA and revoke yours. How much do you want to inherit anything? How close do you want to stay with your son? How much do you want to have your life back without people telling you what to do? Let Mom move in with DIL, probably two of a kind. Then you back off. Start being too busy to help with Mom. "You asked Mom to live with you". Maybe even move away.

No one has the right to demand your time. If Mom moves in with them, if not already working, get a job. Make friends by volunteering. Be busy.

I did watch my 2 grandsons till they were 2 and 3 and ready for daycare. But, I was not told I would be doing it, I was asked. You owe your son and DIL nothing. You don't owe your abusive Mom anything. Me, I would get away and let the chips fall where they may. You have sacrificed enough you need to get your own life.
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Lander22 9 hours ago
First of all, my mother has OCD and these people are filthy. They have two dogs, two kids and I'm not sure they own a vacuum. She wouldn't even consider moving in there but this is her way of manipulating me. I'm stupid and I never learn
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Stop triangulating with them.
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Lander22 10 hours ago
I would love to know how. I told my mother that if I hurt her feelings, she should tell me, not my daughter-in-law. I come from a long line of mental illness and this is the way I was raised. I don't know how to stop it. I'm retired so my mother thinks that I should be there every day taking her to lunch or watching TV. I wouldn't do that even if I was single. I'm so sick of the guilt
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"How do I keep these "well meaning" rotten relatives and grandkids from swooping in?" Why do you want to? It sounds like they deserve each other. If you're helping your mom solely in hopes of eventual inheritance then calling them "vultures" is projection. And there's no guarantee you're getting a dime anyway.

Do you have POA for your mom? Is it active or still just waiting to be used? You can resign it or let her know she may as well pick someone else to designate because you will be declining to take it. Don't do things for either of them unless you want to. You're not the center of the universe, they will figure their crap out without you. Go have a nice life with people who appreciate you.
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Lander22 9 hours ago
It hurts my feelings a little bit that you think I'm a vulture. My mother is verbally abusive to me and always has been. My daughter-in-law is only in it for the money and has never lifted a finger at my mom's house. We do all her yardwork which includes 2 yards plus repairs on her home and on another one that belonged to my grandparents. It's a lot and we didn't take any pay for two years. She used to laugh that she was going to spend all her money at the casino and leave me nothing. Have they not inherited money from my step grandparents, she would be completely broke. Truthfully, I don't need her money. We're not rich but my husband and I both had great careers and the only thing I wanted to inherit was my grandparents land because it meant so much to me. My daughter-in-law spends every time she has and absolutely hates me so it's kind of sad that she would end up with it. But hey, maybe she will
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"OK here's the problem. I'm supposed to inherit some of my grandparents land and that meant so much to me. I understand what you're saying but I don't think I can give this part of the estate up. It's where I grew up and my grandparents were wonderful."

The second your mom gets good and offended over nothing, or when your DIL talks her into it, you're not getting that land. She'll hang it over your head the rest of her days making sure when she says jump you say how high and then she'll leave it to your SIL anyway.
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waytomisery 9 hours ago
Yup .
There is no such thing as inheritance until someone dies , and wills can be changed without OP knowing it . Happens all the time .
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Common sense solution is to remove yourself from being POA and trustee of her trust. Why would you remain in a relationship and be responsible for a person that has emotionally abused you? Is the land that much more important than your well being? If yes then you must take the crap that comes with waiting for the inheritance. It is the price you pay.

Common Sense solution is to get into therapy to try to get skills to release the hate you have for your family as it seems to make you unhappy and stressed.
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Reply to AMZebbC
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Weighing in here...it's a complicated situation but if I faced this, knowing what I know now from these kinds of family dynamics combined with caregiving:

1- I'd resign my POA immediately and tell everyone in the family that you're too ill to handle these responsibilities currently. Ditto resign as Trustee of trust.

2- Totally back off with any decision making - remove yourself from the equation as quickly as possible to avoid arguments with family members. STOP QUIBBLING with everyone in your family - minimize contact and do not engage. The ongoing family tempests in a teapot don't help anyone - this only escalates mutual resentments and stress.

3- Let your mother move in with DIL, PERFECT! Let DIL deal with mother and all aspects of caregiving. Do NOT make dire warning comments to family about how this would never work. (This is a win-win for you. Either everyone will be happy with the new arrangement and you will be treated with more respect by offering no resistance, or mother and DIL will be very unhappy with the new arrangement and you will be treated with more respect. And you will have more easily constructed boundaries in place by then and more power because they will need you. You can help them or not - your choice if this happens.)

4- these suggestions should improve your relationship with family, lessen your stress, and protect your inheritance as much as possible.

Good luck with this and I consider your situation fortunate because you have some good options.
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Lander22 5 hours ago
My Mom will never move in with them - this is just a guilt trip to make me comply. My mental health is not good
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