Currently caring for my father in law. He just started refusing to use his walker or CPAP machine. I don't know how I can make him adhere to using these if he himself refuses to use them. He fell the other day trying to put something into the refrigerator. Which he's not supposed to be doing either. I'm stuck with an obstinate old man and I have no clue on how to make him use these? My wife and I have both told him that he needs to be using these items yet he still refuses. I'm wondering if there would be any legal ramifications if something were to happen to him next time he falls? He stays awake way past our bedtime, but I've had to install motion activated cameras just to keep an eye on him when we're in bed. I've caught him walking around without his walker and that's also how I noticed he fell. Otherwise he would have been on the floor all night. My wife has a sister currently in jail. Very vindictive individual. She is the one I'm worried about suing us. Even though she has only seen her Dad once since he's been ill, then she got arrested. I just don't want anything coming back on us. We're doing our best. He just will not listen. I told my wife maybe we should explore the option of putting him in a nursing home. She's against that of course because she would lose her inheritance. I don't care about the money. I just want my life back.
PS I often sleep part of the night lying on the floor, because it helps my back pain. It's not the end of the world! Just make sure he's warm enough.
Anyway, enter dementia for her. At that point her brain lied to her and she refused to even consider moving ANYWHERE, esp not AL. She had given each of us money (under the IRS gift limit) in the past and OB was looking for another, but I said NOPE. She was hinting at it, so we could use it now rather than wait, but I still said NO. That was around when I took over her finances. Knowing she was going to need help and a place to live later, she needed all that she had for THAT, not us.
By setting up a trust, we protected her assets (money and condo) from others and herself. Apparently the EC atty's plans were for us to file for Medicaid if/when she had to go to a NH. I was appalled that this was the end game. Could I use that money? Sure. But, it isn't mine and she needs it. If she ever needs NH, I will continue to pay from her funds. When that is depleted, THEN and only then will Medicaid be an option on the table.
Now, the question I have is WHO is providing the care for you FIL? It almost sounds like you are doing all the work. Soooo, WTH? As someone else said, greed on your wife's part is getting in the way. If not a facility, then hiring in-home aides needs to be considered. Either she needs to provide the bulk of the care (esp if SHE, not WE, is inheriting the money). Hopefully you have a job or activity you can do outside the home and let her deal with all of this.
We aren't spring chickens ourselves (most of us) and we're not getting any younger! As others said, it is a matter of time before he ends up lost and/or hurt and could cost much more than any "inheritance" she might get.
SIL in jail? Not like she can do much in the way of suing someone - she has to deal with herself first! Also, what proof would she have that dad is being neglected or abused? None? Fluff her off.
One thing I would do is ensure his doctor knows he is not compliant with walker or CPAP. If need be, make an appointment, make sure you get in there and bring these topics up, including the falls. If FIL is still competent, he can choose to do this, and will likely be able to express this to the doctor if asked. Then it is documented.
As far as making him do/use these things? Nope. Competent or not, it is his choice, unfortunately. When we needed to move our mother, and she was refusing, the EC atty told us we couldn't force her to go. Staff has told me they can't force any resident to do what they don't want to do - they just have to be very adept at coaxing them into compliance. Somehow convince them it is their idea! Doesn't always work.
As far as falling, with or without compliance, it happens. At home or a facility, doesn't matter. It will still happen. Mom was walking unaided when she moved to MC. At some point she said she needed 'one of those', pointing to a rollator. I had brought dad's walker and rollater here, so I brought it to her. Took a while for her to use it consistently, but she continued getting around there on her own. She had a couple of tumbles before using it, but nothing serious. Worst case was her glasses made a small cut on her nose. We're into year 4 now, and several months ago, after a couple more tumbles, she refuses to stand or walk alone. Biggest problem was other than getting from her room to dining/sitting area, she would just sit all the time. At this point, she has no strength to stand/walk and fear keeps her from trying.
I'd have a heart to heart chat with wife. What good is the money if it destroys your life now?
After a few falls and 'calls' (911) at all hours, mom also refused to use a walker (which doc and P.T'st insisted on) for a few years because she 'didn't want to look old'! (Seriously, she's 90 at this point !! : ) A broken leg, broken shoulder, and second (the other side) hip replacement later, she is now using it. But she also stopped going out of the house. God forbid anyone think she's old ... she also never once even tried to continue basic at-kitchen-counter exercises to improve stability/balance. I regret that I now see her as selfish and inconsiderate, and hence, simply not liking her very much.
Once my little family (mom and 2 sibs) all got to 'this point', we've all had to process and ACCEPT that mom has no control over, or choice in, where her assets go. I'm sure she would've preferred to leave each of us a healthy chunk of what my dear dad created, but she's in decent general health. After 5 yrs. of full-time 'watching' and [ahem] 'supporting' mom [basically doing everything without letting her be aware of it, to save her 'dignity'], sisters & I decided to hire caretaker for 4 hours a day, 6 days. I'm just now 65, retired (not from choice), newly single/no kids, knowing my 401K won't see me beyond five more years. Most of us here are in the same situation. Nothing to do but go way deep, and accept the fear and try to work with & through the icky emotions.
Good luck to all of you, Hawkins 72!
That's the truth.
My father fell and broke his hip in 2014. As an only child, I was in charge of everything. He had 2 stocks to his name, he and my mother, that was IT. We cashed them out and put the money in my name; to the tune of $400K, believe it or not, by the grace of God Almighty. I was then able to get them into Assisted Living where they were cared for beautifully until dad passed away in 2015.
My mother is now 93 and still living in the ALF, but in the Memory Care section now. There is no way on earth I could possibly care for her, she has more issues than Newsweek. And severe stubbornness is only ONE of them. She has fallen 47x. FORTY SEVEN times that we KNOW of. Because she didn't 'need' her walker. Because she was 'capable' of whatever it was she was doing. Because because because. She's now in a wheelchair and has fallen 10x because she's STILL 'capable' of doing what she's STILL incapable of doing.
I could have brought my parents to live with me and 'kept' the inheritance, as an only child. But the cost would have been WAY way WAY too high for a mere $400K! That money, by the way, will run out by 2021 and I will have to apply for Medicaid to get my mother into a Skilled Nursing Facility, which I will do without hesitation.
It's time for a Come to Jesus meeting with your wife. Things will only go downhill from here, my friend. The falls keep coming. So do the hospitalizations. And the rehabs, and the ambulance rides, and the dementia and the incontinence. And and and. Until there is absolutely NO life left for either you or your wife. And by that time, the inheritance will be of no value at all.
As far as your wife's jailed sister 'suing' you for something, that doesn't seem to hold water in any way, shape or form. What are you doing 'wrong' here, exactly? She'd have to call APS and report you for abuse, and doing that from jail seems a bit ridiculous.
Wishing you the best of luck.
Is your father-in-law safe in your home in the current situation? Is he at risk of burns, injuries, malnutrition, or medication mishaps. If so, then something must change. Either he needs more supervision in your home - like a home health care aide or sitter in the evenings - or he needs to move somewhere he can get the supervision.
Is your father in law's health being maintained? Is he getting adequate meals, medications on time, doctor visits, hygiene needs met and toileting needs met? If his care has gotten to be too much for your abilities at home, he either need home health care aides to come in or to go to a residential facility.
If residential facilities, they used to be sued for falls all the time. Now, they are sued a lot less if they can prove they put measures in place to prevent injury: walker, mats on floor by bed, bed in lowest position, call bell or alarm for when he gets up... If you can put similar measures in place, you shouldn't expect to get sued - even if FIL chooses not to use his walker.
Perhaps you should put it in a different perspective for your wife. The money he has evidently saved for his old age needs to be used FIRST for his health and well being. Whatever is left is called the inheritance. If she wants to keep him in the home and he has money to assist with his care (clearly he does), then she needs to hire someone to attend to him when she cannot do so to prevent a horrible accident like falling and laying in a floor for hours.
Your problem is all too common when there is money involved. The children see it as a windfall even though they never earned a dime of it. Let her know you are not playing the game anymore and be a part of letting something bad happen to him in your home.
1. It’s not illegal to be stupid.
2. Anyone can sue anyone for any reason.
...and remembering that, here’s what I said in a similar situation. “Great, you know where to serve the papers!” And they went as far as serving fake papers drawn up by an idiot friend and it never went anywhere. It reminds me of tots that say, “My dad can beat up your dad!” Who cares. Document what is reasonable and try to move on with your life.
If you worry about any fallout on you or your wife, get a ledger and document the times each of you have reminded him to use his walker and CPAP machine and his response. Document the times he has fallen and the circumstances. Also, if you both choose, you can install grab bars or install/place railings or handles to help him to keep his balance. Document those installations too.
For the CPAP, by refusing to use it (which is very likely common for many people) he may be jeopardizing financial assistance from health insurance or Medicare for being "noncompliant" with doctor's orders. That happened to my mom when she refused her CPAP and her walker. Document any reminders or discussions about it.
I wish you all happiness, Hawkins, and that it all works out.
Until you are willing to investigate residential care you’re both pretty much up against it. If he’s able to handle himself in Assisted Living, his care will be a little cheaper than skilled nursing care.
He has taught you that he is not planning to be cooperative, he has some significant physical issues already, and he is likely to have increasingly complicated care issues as he ages.
There are never perfect choices in a situation like yours, and most of the choices you make will fall short of pleasing everyone. At this point though, it sounds as though everyone’s unhappy.
Do some research in your area to see what’s available. At very least, you’ll be prepared if you make that decision in the future.
My dad hated the CPAP machine. He tried a number of different masks and ways to use it, but it was just uncomfortable for him and disrupting to his sleep. He returned it several years ago and has had no ill effects from doing so. He even told the doctor that it was messing up his plan to die in his sleep. I hope you’ll just let this be. And having someone live in your home and caring for them should be done out of love and concern, not for money or inheritance. That’s a really disturbing motive, dad deserves better than that