My father is in his mid 80s. Cognitive testing shows no issues. Previously he lived on his own, fairly independently. He was undergoing cancer treatments and got weak, but started complaining about people "checking in" on him or treating him like he was helpless. So, following an period of us "leaving him be", he fell and was down for an extended period. Thankfully, two of us decided to "check in" anyway and found him. That was seven months ago.
He had a two month hospital stay, then entered a nursing home for personal care assistance and physical therapy, with a goal of eventually going back to his home.
About three months ago, staff met with my father and myself to discuss what supports need to be in place to have him safely at home. I thought it was positive plan, but father barely participated in the conversation, except to say he felt everyone was colluding against him! Crazy to me, since the whole reason for the meeting was to get him HOME!
Three months later...father is STILL at the nursing home and is running out of money, in spite of me telling him for months this was going to happen if he stayed there. (I am his financial POA.)
Why is he still there? Because he refuses to consider either assisted living (temporarily, to see how he does and to get the house in order) OR to allow necessary adjustments at home (periodic in-home care with housekeeping, cooking, care; life alert system; rearranging furniture to be able to get around with a walker, etc.)
He says he wants to go home as it is now and doesn't want to change anything. Even prior to the fall, he would not clean house (even refusing to use a simple, remote-controlled robot vacuum) and had pest issues.
I told him I could not in good conscience take him back to his house without supports in place. I told him if he doesn't want to do that, he certainly can leave the nursing home for his house at any time, but he'll need to call one of my siblings or someone else to take him.
(I'm all for people in their right mind making their own decisions, and accepting the consequences of their choices. However, I don't want to be signing up for more responsibility or obligations by being the one to bring him home unprepared.)
I am tapped out, and the social worker at the nursing home even said, "I can see him calling you all of the time from home to take care of things." I have my own family responsibilities, and am getting tired of being expected to do for him because he chooses not to...and takes for granted that I have been taking care of his finances, overseeing his medical care, taking care of his properties (with one sibling's help), caring for his pet, and dealing with related family drama for seven months...all because he wanted us to "leave him alone."
TLDR version: Does anyone have words of wisdom when a parent refuses to make decisions for his own living situation?
Has the SNF tested him with a MoCA or SLUMS test for dementia and scored it? He sounds cognitively impaired to me, truthfully, which nobody likes to admit. But given his history and behavior now, it sure sounds like dementia to me.
Dad needs to stay in the long term care section of the SNF and apply for Medicaid to fund it. He is in no position to go home alone and thrive.
And furthermore, if he leaves AMA, Medicare may refuse to pay his bill for rehab! Elders never like hearing such a thing.
But you guys need to quit propping him up and let him flounder around on his own. It may sound mean, but he MUST be convinced he's not as strong and independent as he thinks he is.....without a ton of help from his children. You can't have that. It's too much. He needs more care than you're capable of giving him 24/7.
My father was in the same boat during rehab after a broken hip at 91. They would not release him to go back to Independent Senior Living with mom, only to stay there or go to Assisted Living. By an act of God, I got him approved for AL and then got mom moved in with him a month later. I was very fortunate that dad was cognizant AND not stubborn. My mother had those traits and refused to move out of their apartment. 🙄
Thats a story for another day.
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.
The facility did a BIMS test for cognition and he passed it.
I think there is a lot of "learned helplessness" going on for sure, plus a very contrary personality to begin with.
I did not mention, Medicare is not covering any of this at this point. He is no longer receiving PT/OT, because the therapists discharged him maybe two months ago; they said he'd progressed as far as they could get him. But, he still is at the nursing home, paying around $400/day out of pocket, and going broke. It is ridiculous on all levels to me, because assisted living would have been less than half of that, and he is in much better shape than most of the poor souls I've seen at the nursing home...it is overkill on so many levels.
This sounds incredibly frustrating; you have my full sympathy. After all this time, you need to reclaim your life.
Tell him if he refuses any type of modification to his home and aide support will guarentee him a one way ticket to a nursing home living situation. You need to stand strong and it isnt easy for sure. Be prepared for major pushback and anger. It is never will be easy with a situation of denial or even anosognosia disease. Loss of independence is sad and there is a grieving period for all involved. But, you must be the rational one since you have POA. POA is not for the weak and you need to take all emotions out of the equation.
Sorry for the situation you and your father are in but decisions need to be based on the safety of your father immediately. Needs over wants right now. Wishing you the best. This forum is a wonderful tool to help be prepared and I hope you use the search function to help you realize this situation happens very frequently. Preparation and planning are your best tools. Best of luck.