I'm starting feel a little guilty that I want my mother to go live with my sister or at least visit for an extended period of time to give us both a break from one another. I have lived with my mother my whole entire life so I have been the submissive child always trying to respect my mother even through the upbringing of my own children which she helped raise while I served in the military. My mother was my best friend, my road dog, until 11 yrs ago when she seemed to fall apart all at once being diagnosed with osteoarthritis, high blood pressure and COPD and she hasn't been the same since. The only times she puts in efforts to get out of the house are for her doctor's appointment and the beginning of the month. She's starting to hide things from herself and when she can't find them she's incenuating that someone (there's only me and my daughter) has messed with her stuff (that upsets me) or if my daughter or I don't follow something that she may have suggested she will get highly upset and not talk to us for days. She's always annoyed with me about something, anything and I am at the point that I don't care. I've been thinking for awhile that she may want to go visit my sister, but she doesn't want it to be her idea and I don't want to suggest it because then she may feel that I'm trying to get rid of her due to our recent issues that we don't even talk about. My sister is the caregiving type so I feel that it's her time now to be with our mother to give her the care and attention she needs/wants these days. I hope I don't sound too ungrateful or unappreciative of my mother being there for me and my children but my daughter is seeing these drastic changes between us and she has also received some of the negativity. Should I discuss the possibility of my mother visiting with my sister so she can bring it up with our mother or should I just have a heart to heart with her (before I blow up) and hope she understands?
Yes, it does sound like you need a break from each other, but it also feels like there is something else going on.
How old is your mom?
When you say that your mom was your road dog, does that mean she was your traveling companion? I've never heard anyone call their mom a road dog.
How old are you?
How old are your children?
It sounds like you both need a break from each other, but it also sounds a little bit like your "best friend" is no longer able to be as helpful as they once were and so you would sort of like your sister to take over her care at this point.
I don't like the idea of talking with your mom about visiting with your sister so that your sister can talk with her about staying there. I think you need to calm down and have an honest discussion with your sister without blowing up. Ya'll need to be a team together and come up with a plan that does not throw either one of you under the bus nor neglect the safety and care of your mom.
"My sister is the caregiving type so I feel that it's her time now to be with our mother to give her the care and attention she needs/wants these days."
Will your sister agree with this assessment? She is a new stepmother and wife (less than 2 years) and you want to send her a person that you admit is difficult to get along with now despite a successful long term stay with you now that things are more difficult for you and your daughter? Hmm. Read some of the threads here about sibling relationships that collapsed when one of the siblings decided that another one was a "better caregiver" for a difficult elder instead of themselves when things got overwhelming. It doesn't sound like you really intend for this to be a visit - more like a new long-term placement for your mom. I would hate for you to incur a negative relationship with a sibling because you (and your mom) made a unilateral decision for a frail, possible cognitive person. Talk to your sister FIRST about this kind of a visit, not your mother. Don't put your sister into the position that you have said yourself is becoming impossible to deal with. If you and your sister develop a plan TOGETHER for your mother's long term care, possibly independent or assisted living near one of you, you will have a better chance of keeping a good relationship with a sibling that will most like outlive your mom. It may just be elder narcissism, but talk to your mother's primary care provider. My in-laws meds can cause personality swings that make 2 narcissists impossible to deal with. Good luck to you.