My 85 year old mom started having issues for last the 2 years with keeping her house clean, mice were getting in, rugs laid out everywhere, using the remotes and phone, and also had severe hearing loss and incontinent. We didn't know what was going, she also had been having several falls and walking problems, was using walkers, partly due to stenosis. but she still drove her car and paid bills, but having a harder time understanding when talking to her, and did get a ticket in her car. One day she ran her car into side of garage and was disoriented and confused so we took her to the ER. They did scan and said she had 2 minor brain bleeds, maybe from earlier fall., and encephalopathy. After 3 days she was sent to a skilled nursing facility for rehab. She wanted to go home though and I should have taken her home, I could have moved in with her. She started going downhill and causing trouble when they tried to change her briefs. She was then kicked out and sent to hospital for falling. They did scans and said front and side brain atrophy. She was then sent another rehab place, fell there and was sent to hospital. She was confused and not talking right but could still recognize family. Had a brief problem with aspiration pneumonia. She kept wanting to get out of bed at night at nursing facilities. and fight with aides. My nephew got her home once with a nursing aide, but she fought with her.This continued and she kept falling, last time out of a wheelchair and hit her head/small brain bleed. This was all so confusing at the time and we didn't know what to do for 4 months. During the last long hospital stay we finally got a neurologist, who mentioned atrophy but couldn't say what type of dementia she had. Two hospitals recommended hospice, the last one said hospice home and 30 days estimation. I had one other family member and her friend were involved, so we finally said OK, although I was not happy with it. We felt it was unsafe for her to be home by herself with her falls and her primary care doctor said this also. She passed back in September and I have been second guessing this the whole time, thinking if I could have just got her home, she might have improved. Once she started going to rehab places, she just went downhill fast. I keep thinking I didn't do enough, we never did get a dementia diagnosis. I have been upset by all this and on leave from work, I wish now that I had not had to make any of these decisions. With hindsight, she did have some dementia from some cause, but how could she go from driving and to store earlier last year to hospice in September. I keep going over it and wishing we had tried harder to find an answer. Thanks for any insight...
The point is, once older people start taking falls, it's just a matter of time before it takes a toll on their bodies. It's a lot harder for them to recover from the falls as their body isn't as efficient at mending.
Mom wanted to die at home. We made that happen. I think that she might have died sooner if we had placed her in a facility.
There are so many scenarios and we have no idea which one is best, so we make the best informed decision we can and go with it. It's hard when a LO passes and grief can take us down the "woulda/ coulda/shoulda" road if we let it. I did have trouble, but there were some other factors that came into play at her death. It took me quite a while to get back to a peaceful place, but I think I've made it.
Don't blame yourself for decisions you made. I'm sure you made the best possible decisions at the time. You did what you could, as well as you could, and there was an inevitable ending. Give yourself time to mourn and heal and find peace in your life.
(((hugs)))
Taking mom home would've done nothing to halt the dementia process at all. You did nothing wrong and nobody killed mom except circumstances and disease.
My sincere condolences on your loss. Don't beat yourself up over allowing mom to live life on her terms, till the end, and to avoid Memory Care or an extended stay in Skilled Nursing. My poor mom hung on to 95 yrs old, suffering daily with dementia, praying to die daily. It was awful. Be glad your dear mom was spared such a thing, at least.