Well folks. We have finally reached our in home care limit. A few of you kind souls have suggested in prior posts, but we just were not there yet (collectively). However, MIL’s behavior has escalated to the point where we do not feel it is best for her to be around in the home as it is so disruptive, we are both having nervous breakdowns. Hubby and I have both been so on edge with anticipating MIL’s moods, and she got incredibly aggressive towards me today, lunging at me and screaming profanities unprovoked. This has happened before multiple times, but something about this outburst was different and we could both feel it. MIL has made me the “chosen one” and I seem to be the target of her anger and aggression. We have decided to place her for her well-being and our mental health. I have been waking up shaking, with palpitations, and on edge knowing what’s in store for me / us and hubby has too. We have given it our best effort. Are we terrible people for doing this?
For myself been doing this for 15 years,. Retired by need could not retain a remote job. Too much interference from mom.
mom needed or wanted one on one companionship. Her friends and relatives have long passed. I and my sister were the two remaining relatives.
Found as time passed mom got belligerent on days. figured out some actions were due to UTIs trouble with UTI is she is not able to take most antibiotics with seniors UTIs are chronic, have the doctor check perhaps medication may help.
other "actions" were shear nastiness. those you deal with one day at a time. when you reach your limit nursing homes are a viable alternative. you did your best for a long time.
Many others would have moved her to managed care a long time ago. This last episode "felt" different because it was "different".
It is time for your family and her, to move to the next chapter in her life. Go forward to the next chapter with open arms and a fresh outlook and no regrets. You did your best in the previous chapter. Now it is time to do your best in this chapter.
She needs a higher level of care than you and your husband can provide in your home. So she has to be placed in facility care.
How does this make either of you bad people?
It doesn't.
Now that aggression has been shown, please do immediate placement, as this could be a danger to you. A relative of mine was injured in just this way by his wife. Hugs for all you are going through. You will feel a huge relief once she is gone from your home.
She has reached the point to where she needs much more care than you both can provide. It’s just the progression and not your fault.
You guys can go visit her any time you want. In the meantime you have to live your lives too. Blessings and hugs to you!
Her aggression is very concerning, and you are putting yourself at great risk every single day she remains in your home.
Both my parents are like that with profanities. I get massive anxiety visiting my parents at the nursing home.
Yesterday, my husband and I went for a visit. My mother who has Alzheimer's and vascular dementia was calling everyone son-of-a-b's and screaming.
It's exhausting. It's stressful.
Take care of yourselves.
If you think she will get violent if you tell her she is going to be living elsewhere then don’t tell her. Save yourself the trauma. Tell her you are taking her to lunch and then arrange with the facility to bring her there at lunch time. You all sit down to eat together and after lunch take her on a tour of the place. Once she is in her room you make an excuse to leave (run out to the car for something, etc). Then your husband says he is going to use the bathroom and he meets you at the car. I know it sounds harsh but sometimes this is the easiest way. The staff will take it from there. They will tell her you guys had to leave but will be back in a while. Then they will engage her in an activity to distract her. Visit in person a few days later.
You have done a lot to care for her and you are continuing to care for her by placing her in a facility with professionals who can care best for her now; given her needs and YOUR's. And you cannot care for someone if you do NOT care for YOURSELF first. Self care is nothing to feel guilty about, knowing your limits and knowing it is time for professional/facility care as you MUST take care of yourself, your mental health and that of your husband and any kids you two have brought into the world.
Working with a talented therapist can help work through all of this. It is a process of letting go and grieving. Letting go of the hope or perhaps promises made to never put a LO in a "home." Letting go of any feelings of guilt or failure, it is neither! You both did what you could and it is no longer safe or reasonable for either you, your husband, family or your LO who now needs more care than can reasonable or safely be provided by you, in your home, etc. And it is going through a grieving process too. NOT that your LO has passed on, but grieving the loss of the person you once knew -- your LO is no longer that person. Grieving the loss of being the "good daughter/daughter-in-law, son/son-in-law" in that you may have equated good with ONLY when providing direct personal care, but again you both are providing care/caring and providing the care that is now needed.
Try to not beat yourself up too much about it, cry and get it out as best you can. And work on changing your narrative that you are "good/doing a good job," "you are caring," "you are caring for them AND for you, your marriage and kids." And that your LO is where "they need to be to get reasonable and safe care now."
Best of luck with your journey. God Bless all dealing with this! Prayers for you and yours.
Place her immediately.
Question: Are we terrible people for doing this?
Answer 1: Absolutely not, you are responsible family members who have gone way beyond any family 'call of duty.'
Answer 2: You deserve a life, a quality life, a quality life with your own family. You need / deserve peace of mind, body and soul. This placement should have happened way before now.
Answer 3: You have our (most of us here . . . okay, I'll speak for myself. You have my 100% support to place her - in a care facility where they are trained and experienced to manage someone exhibiting her behavior(s). She will be well cared for.
Gena / Touch Matters
Please never feel guilty. This is a situation not even a professional could deal with. Glad you have made the decision to place her.
My mother lived in a Memory Care Assisted Living facility for the last 3 years of her life bc I wouldn't delude myself I had the ability to care for her by myself at home. Instead, she had a 24/7 team of wonderful caregivers she called "My girls" to see to her every need. 3 hot meals a day and 3 snacks, outings to the mountains for scenic drives on the mini bus, activities galore, movies, socialization, doctors and lab techs coming into the MC to see her all the time, a beautiful suite, and SAFETY 24/7. I'm not a "terrible person" but a loving daughter who realized her own capabilities and my mother's needs were not compatible, and that MY life was just as important as hers. Not to mention She rarely acted out w staff as did with me, her arch NEMESIS! #Truth
What happens when you or dh get very sick or die from a heart attack after all this stress? Mom goes into managed care. Do it NOW before YOU become a statistic for no good reason. Leaving your blood on the floor is accomplishing nothing but to agitate the woman anyway. In the meantime, ask her doctor for something like Ativan to calm her down before she physically harms you.
1. Does NASA bring in average citizens to design and shoot off their rockets?
2. Would you be fine with some guy off the street being your child's teacher?
3. Would you agree to surgery performed on your cat by your mail carrier?
4. Would you treat your child's diabetes, pneumonia, or broken leg at home with no medical intervention whatsoever because as the parents you should just somehow know how to handle these things?
1. No
2. No
3. No
4. Yes?
That's what you and your husband are trying to do -- what all of us have been doing -- and it gets to a point where it simply cannot be faked, so to speak, by someone who doesn't know how to do the job when it escalates to this level. You've reached the maximum of your abilities to handle MIL's care, and there is absolutely no shame or guilt about it. It simply is what it is.
For her health and safety and for yours, it is time to place her where she will get the care she needs for her disease from this point on.
You have failed no one.
It is not a sign of failure. It is handing off to the professionals who know how to take it from here.
Editing as that short answer felt harsh, to add, when you are in the FOG (Fear, Obligation and Guilt) it is difficult to think clearly. I'm glad you are both on the same page about it.